Kiwi Fruit And Toilet Paper

/ Diane Henders

I remember when kiwi fruit first appeared in our local grocery stores sometime around the early 1980s.  The fuzzy brown globes quickly became a fad despite the inevitable jokes about donkey balls.  (No, I can’t imagine who would have started a joke like that…  *crosses fingers and stares at the ceiling, whistling innocently*)

Anyway, it wasn’t long before every fruit tray at every upscale gathering boasted slices of kiwi.  It was exotic and sophisticated and the thing to serve!  But to be honest, I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with kiwi fruit.  When it’s good, it’s great… but there are so many ways it can be not-good.

If it’s the teeniest bit unripe, it’s sour with a lingering bitter edge that leaves your mouth puckered and your teeth furry.  Too ripe, and it’s tasteless mush.  Riper still, and the fermentation phase is interestingly fizzy; but I can’t say I recommend it.

If it’s been long enough since my last unpleasant experience, I occasionally buy some kiwis when they’re on sale.  Which is how I came to be sitting at the breakfast table, cutting into one.

Hubby glanced over and said, “That looks very… green.”

I took a bite.  “It’s not too bad, actually.  The last batch I had was an exercise in sour misery, but this one’s okay.”

He frowned.  “Why do you even bother?”

“Well, kiwi fruit has more Vitamin C than oranges.”  I swallowed another virtuous mouthful.  “And it’s very high in fibre.”

Hubby watched in thoughtful silence while I finished my kiwi.  Then he asked, “What kind of fibre is in that septic-safe biodegradable toilet paper you buy?”

I blinked.  “Uh…?”

“Because, you know,” he went on, “You could just eat clean toilet paper to get your fibre.  It couldn’t taste any worse than that kiwi.”

“Except for the nutritional value,” I reminded him.

“Okay; eat the toilet paper, drink water, and take a vitamin pill.”

There was probably a rebuttal to that, but I couldn’t think of it.  He’s right:  Fruit is basically just cellulose fibre, water, and vitamins.  (And flavour; but we’ve already established that kiwi flavour isn’t always an asset.)

I never thought I’d see the day when eating toilet paper seemed like a reasonable option…

*

P.S.  I just found an article that made my day!  I’ve occasionally been chastised by self-appointed Typography Police for my old-fashioned use of two spaces after a period.  They’re adamant that “the only correct usage is a single space after a period”, but that ain’t necessarily so:  https://www.fastcompany.com/90171175/science-just-settled-one-of-type-designs-oldest-debates.  So maybe I don’t have to retrain my fingers after all.  Hooray!  😀

27 thoughts on “Kiwi Fruit And Toilet Paper”

  1. I know I’m a little late to the party, but…

    With regards to single or double spaces, I was taught that when using a mono-spaced font, use two spaces, but when using a proportionally spaced font, use a single space. The explanation I was told was that with mono-spaced fonts, it was easier to read and it broke up the illusion of letters forming vertical columns when two spaces were used. I haven’t used 2 spaces since I stopped using dot matrix printers and daisy-wheel typewriters. However, it all comes down to personal preference.

    Actually, HTML is perfectly capable of displaying multiple spaces, but pressing the spacebar on your keyboard twice is not how it’s done. HTML specs stipulate that white space is to be displayed as a single space. White space is any string of text composed of any combination of one or more spaces, tabs, CRLF sequences, carriage returns or line feeds. White space is used to make the HTML code easy to read, not to make what is displayed on screen easy to read. This    sentence    has    multiple    spaces    between    words. But as it takes six keystrokes to create each additional space, it’s seldom worth the effort.

    As another Kiwi (with an uppercase “K”), I kind of bristle every time I see kiwifruit (with a lowercase “k” and no space) referred to as kiwi (even if the word “fruit” follows). A kiwi is a hen sized flightless bird after which the fruit was named. Goodness knows what a “kiwi fruit” might be, although “sheep raisins” and “cow pies” do come to mind 🙂

    I’ve been eating kiwifruit since the 1950s when we knew them as Chinese gooseberries. The name was changed when NZ started exporting them to America. That was at the height of the Cold War, and the name hit a barrier with both US customs officials and consumers. Also berries faced high tariffs at the US border, so after some heated arguments over a suitable name change, “kiwifruit” was chosen.

    New Zealand was the first country to successfully develop cultivars for commercial production (around 1930, I believe), but Italy is now the largest producer of kiwifruit, and China and South America are nipping on our heels. Large quantities are also grown in parts of the US.

    Tip: Buy kiwifruit in season. California kiwifruit season is September to November, NZ kiwifruit season is May to November.

    I’ve tasted NZ grown kiwifruit in both Japan and America, and your hubby’s opinion of them is almost on target. I suspect kiwifruit for local consumption is picked at riper stage than those for export, so there is much more flavour, and less likely to be sour. We also have several varieties of kiwifruit to choose from, which allows for person preference.

    For eating by itself, I prefer a gold variety as they are more “mellow” and less acidic, but when used in combination with other food, I prefer the tartness of the green varieties. We also have a green smooth-skinned variety that’s round and about the size of a grape, which is eaten skin and all. The are new red and purple varieties, each with distinctive flavors, that should be available on our supermarket shelves in a year or two.

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    • I like the gold variety, too, and I’ll look forward to seeing the new cultivars. Here in BC we can grow the smooth-skinned small variety, but I’ve never had a chance to try them. Are they similar in flavour to the fuzzy green ones?

      And I’ll never refer to ‘kiwi fruit’ again — I’m still laughing at the mental image! ‘Kiwifruit’ it shall be in my vocabulary, forever!

      Thanks for the HTML clarification, too. I knew there had to be some logic somewhere. 🙂

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  2. Kiwifruit is just so… I don’t know… I tried it and didn’t much care for it, so haven’t bothered since. Too expensive to bother with something that doesn’t fire up my palatte.

    I’m definitely in the 2-space camp. It makes for much better readability. And, darnit, I’m too old to change now, especially since doing one space makes readability suffer.

    On another note, Diane, I think you’re rubbing off on me. As I was driving yesterday, I saw a sign for Buttlick Road. It’s actually Bullock Road, but I was so certain of what I saw, I was convinced someone had altered the sign. I went back to check and it was all in my head. No change in the sign. Sigh.

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    • Bahahahaha!!! Buttlick Road! OMG, I’m rolling on the floor! That is absolutely perfect. I’d apologize for my bad influence, but to be honest I’m thrilled that I’m not the only one who sees stuff like that. 😀

      And I’m glad to hear another vote for two spaces. I do try to change with the times as a general rule, but this is one case where I think the old way is better. And the best part is, I publish my own books so I can use a double-space if I want. HA!

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  3. Double space after the period. That’s how we were taught on typewriters, back in the day. All the young ‘uns who claim a single space is correct can just get the hell off of our lawns, can’t they? 😁 (And I also find it much easier to read. Just saying.)

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  4. I now have a whole new perspective on bio-degradeable toilet paper….not one I was looking for, but sometimes you got to go with the flow. On the two spaces issue…advice from the king of the three dots (or four) instead of correct punctuation…go for it. I was taught one space after a period, but see how well I adhere to rules…:)

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  6. Wow. I hadn’t even noticed you use two spaces between sentences. It must be that your content is distracting me from the syntaxes (if that’s what it’s called). Very un-me, as it drives me crazy when my husband does this in my presence. BTW, it is very easy to change this habit, because that’s what it is, a habit. A couple of days of practicing with a single space and you’ll be on it! 🙂

    Now, speaking of kiwis. I recently learned (from my husband) that Americans peel them, slice them, and eat them that way, while we, Belgians, cut them in half and scoop out the flesh with a small spoon to eat them this way. How do you eat your kiwis?

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    • I cut them in half and scoop them out with a spoon. Peeling and slicing seems like far too much work!

      You wouldn’t have noticed double-spaces in my online content because HTML automatically strips them out — apparently web pages have decided that a single space is the only correct usage, and they enforce it rigorously. Go figure… 😉

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  7. Being a Kiwi, kiwi tend to be freely available in season. Do yours come from China or NZ?
    I tend to slice them and stick them on the Pav at Chrissie, but only the Golden Kiwi, sweet and juicy and non-acid. Those green things tend to make you want to swallow your tongue to clean the back of your throat.

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    • Bahahaha!! “Swallow your tongue to clean the back of your throat” — what a perfect description! I had to go and look up ‘Pav’, but now my mouth is watering — I love Pavlova! And golden kiwi would be delicious on it. I’ve only tried golden kiwi once because our grocery stores don’t usually get it.

      And I’ve never actually checked the labels on the green kiwis. I just assumed they all came from New Zealand, but now I’ll be more vigilant! 🙂

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  8. I’m on the fence with kiwifruit 🥝, I occasionally like them but can’t say I’m a massive fan and actually don’t remember buying them or eating one in the last few years.

    Re the space thing, I spent years being chastised by teachers for not using punctuation never mind how many spaces there was, I think once I started using punctuation they were just so happy they didn’t care.
    I can’t say I’ve ever noticed it having an impact on how I read, If I’m into the book I read as slow or as quick as I like I’d I’m not enjoying it I’ll read a couple of pages and put it down so something and come back read a bit more and do something else. I hate not finishing a book I start unless there is something to really put me off in the first chapter then it’s ditched never to be finished

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    • I’m usually a book-finisher, too, but lately I’ve managed to quit some. Usually it’s because I’ve found myself skimming through chapters, hoping it will get better; but I quit one lately because it was too gruesome and I’d already discovered (in a previous book in the series) that the author wouldn’t hesitate to kill off the good guys. I don’t mind if the good guys have to struggle and hit rock-bottom before they succeed, but I always want them to win in the end! 🙂

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      • That’s just mean to kill off the good guys!!! I think I’d have given up too.

        I did actually finish the book my friend bought me it was called, three things about Elsie. I quite enjoyed it but was glad I finished it.

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        • I’m looking forward to some prime reading time today: I’m travelling, so I’ll spend most of the day on planes and in airports. It’s a little sad that I look forward to what everybody else considers ‘wasted time’… 😉

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  9. Arrgh – just when I thought that was settled, and had re-trained my fingers to put only one space after a period! Oh well, I don’t think I can go back now … 🙂 It’ll make my husband happy when I tell him he’s okay using the old rule, though!

    I haven’t had a kiwi in years. I do like them, but they don’t like me. Have you heard that you can eat the skins? That would REALLY make your teeth furry, lol

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    • Ha! No kidding! One of my friends always eats them with the skins on. I tried eating them that way once, but I just couldn’t get past the bristles. It seems to me that you have to question anything that requires that much effort to enjoy… 😉

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  10. I have thought that certain foods do taste a bit like toilet paper. If there was a high fibre organic version well …

    as to the space thing. I’ve had people try to correct me on that. I’m a two space person. I learn that in typing class when I was 14 and our teacher insisted on two spaces. The fact that she wore mini-skirts and tight tops does not factor into my loyalty for two spaces. Not at all. I am above such things.

    These days, a lot of the writing I do for the web simply re-renders my two spaces to one without my permission and changing that is too much work. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but cellphones and now some text editors are starting to place a period with a single space when you hit two spaces at the end of a word.

    I’m sure there’s a way to turn that off, but that would require work …

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    • Yep, you’re right. I don’t even try to fight the HTML that strips out my second space; but Word will have to pry it out of my cold dead hands. I know how to overcome its autocorrect!

      And I completely believe you about your teacher’s early influence. Many others wouldn’t; but I do. 😉

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  11. You are absolutely right about kiwi fruit. Unfortunately, so is your hubby. The double spacing thing is just part of your style and artistic license. Give the Typo Police the finger and get on with your life!

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    • LOL! This one’s for you, Typo Police! And kiwi fruit is like the little girl who had a little curl: When it’s good, it’s very, very good; and when it’s bad, it’s horrid. 😉

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  12. Diane, It has taken me forever to only use a single space after a period, and even now I sometimes double space the next sentence. I was taught to insert 2 spaces after a period, but now it’s changed to only one space. I wish the powers that be make up their damn minds.
    CAIT

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    • Same here. I’ve always liked the double-space after a period because I think it improves the reading rhythm, in the same way that I start new paragraphs in my books to guide the pace of the story. If I run into some submission guideline that absolutely REQUIRES a single space after a period, it’s easy to do a find-and-replace. 🙂

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