Things Are Getting Hairy

/ Diane Henders

Thanks to @jenny_o at Procrastinating Donkey blog for my topic this week:  Hair.

I’ve had long hair almost all my life, mostly because I’m too lazy to style it and too cheap to pay for regular haircuts.  It’s a practical solution:  I can go camping for days and my hair still looks okay, my head and ears are always toasty warm, and I don’t even notice rain until about ten minutes after it starts.

But there are a few disadvantages:

Shedding:  Studies show that everybody sheds 50 to 100 hairs per day.  If those hairs are only an inch long it’s not too bad; but each of my hairs is at least 24 times that. I’m constantly cleaning hairballs out of the vacuum brush and dragging hair-bunnies out of the corners (and the shower drain).

Safety:  If I’m anywhere near rotating machinery, I’m obsessive about keeping my hair secured up and out of the way.  But even in so-called ‘safe’ environments, whiplash is always a possibility.  I’ve nearly wrenched my own head off by slamming the car door on my hair as I’m getting inside.  (Funny how that only seems to happen when there’s an audience…)

Embarrassment:  I once spent an entire interview secretly battling a chair.  Every time I leaned back, my hair got caught in the chair.  Then I’d try to nod, get jerked to a halt, and have to lean forward to pull my hair free.  I don’t know whether the interviewer thought I was making an embarrassingly awkward attempt at flirting or suffering from some bizarre physical tic; but I didn’t get that job.

The Ick Factor: I’ve had a lot of icky stuff in my hair over the years, from twigs to bugs to random food items.  Forget the old cliché of broccoli in your teeth; you don’t know humiliation until you’ve sat through an entire business dinner-meeting with a stray green bean dangling from your hair.

The Tickle Factor: Long hairs tickle.  Especially after they’ve dropped off your head and lodged in your bra, or worse, your underwear.  Imagine walking in a crowded mall, trying not to squirm while one insanely ticklish hair teases your butt crack.  If you ever catch a long-haired woman frantically groping down the back of her pants, now you’ll know why.  (That’s my best guess.  If it’s not that, we probably don’t want to know.)

And, @jenny_o, your poem inspired my own small attempt at a rhyming haiku:

Hair

I’ve got lots to spare
And yes, I am glad it’s there
But it’s ev’rywhere!

Book 14 update: We’re doing the cover photography this week, so stay tuned for a release date and cover reveal soon!

36 thoughts on “Things Are Getting Hairy”

  1. Pingback: Wardrobe Dysfunction | Author Diane Henders

  2. Had to laugh….my wife has always had long hair (ok there was those few years when we first had kids she cut it really and I mean really short….we can never talk about those times)….anyway…I have learned to make sure I shower ahead of her as I really find it difficult to navigate through all of those loose hair gobs suddenly on the floor of the shower….

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  5. At a certain age, hair merely begins to grow in the opposite direction. Thus, it disappears from the top of the head and exits from the body–for males, at least–from the ears and eyebrows.

    Trust me. I am wise in these matters.

    And we’re gonna have a cover and title thoon? That is *thooo* cool! You rock, thithter!

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  6. do a blog on words. American language is goofy. like there, their. read and read. words spelled the same. pronounced different. or sound the same , spelled different,

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    • English is a crazy language! I pity anybody who’s trying to learn it for the first time as an adult, but it can make for some amusing misunderstandings. I still laugh about the time I said something to one of my French-Canadian friends about the way I was waffling over a decision. He went, “Uh… what does this have to do with waffles…?”

      We ended up having a good laugh, and then I invited everybody over for a waffle party… actual waffles with maple syrup and berries and whipped cream. Good times! 🙂

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  7. hair or not to hair. I think it was invented just to make us a tad nuttier.. If long, we want it short. Short, we can’t wait for it to grow out. as for eyebrows, I have 2 on left side that think they are little horns. I like yours but I can see the problems. Just don’t get near a mixer or things like that. I used to sit on mine and that ain’t nice at all when your head gets jerked back. now I keep it shorter. wash and wear a sis in law called it. Jealous cause hers had to be curled and fussed with. Don’t you like that word. Fussed

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    • “Fussed” is an excellent word – it sounds exactly like its meaning! You’re right about the mixer, too – there are so many hidden hazards lurking in daily life. I was always VERY careful around our old wringer washer when I was a teenager, too – I knew of a woman who was killed when her hair got yanked into the wringers and broke her neck. I still love my long hair, but I hope it never tries to kill me!

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  8. Ugh! That poem is my life. If you don’t mind, I’m going to embroider it and hang it near my front door so people who visit know that they’ll be taking a piece of me home with them. LOL! And I am in total agreement with jenny_o about the trimmed hairs getting in the bra! How does that happen with all the precautions taken? And the expense of going to a salon is ridiculous when you have long hair. Back when we were in our 20’s, my sister and I, going to the same walk-in “salon”, had a $45 difference in the cost of a TRIM. AND I had to wait 2 hours for someone to be available as opposed to my sisters 35 minutes. Her hair was mid-length and mine was long. Dirty, rotten, rassafrasses…😂 But I’m not bitter . Nope, not at all. 😇. Still love my long hair.

    Have fun with the photo shoot. Can’t wait to see it!

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    • I love my long hair, too, but I’m still laughing about the idea of the poem on a sampler at the door! You’re right, I “mark my territory” everywhere I go, too.

      And a $45 difference for a trim?!? Good Lord, I guess it’s really been a LONG time since I darkened the door of a hair salon. The last time I paid to have my hair cut, $45 was the total amount I paid in a really expensive place. Hmmm, maybe I’ll have to make Hubby another pan of brownies as payment… 😉

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  9. I once dated a girl with long hair. Kissing her always include a free lock or two of hair. After reading your description, I may have misinterpreted some of body language…

    Once I tried to grow my hair long – it just over my collar before I couldn’t take it any more had it cut short. Well, it was more like when you discover a spider your back, I screamed all the way to the barber’s, “cut it off, cut it off.”

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    • LOL! That collar-length phase is so incredibly annoying, it’s a miracle anybody ever gets past it to grow their hair long. I completely understand your crazed dash to the barber!

      And yes, long hair does tend to add fibre to one’s diet. As to the body language, well… you never know… 😉

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    • I’m glad you posted under your other account, otherwise I never would have known what was happening. For reasons that defy understanding, WordPress decided you were a spammer. Grrr!

      I’ve retrieved your lovely comments and approved them as vigorously as I know how; and I’m keeping them all here, just in case WordPress catches me deleting one and decides it should block you again.

      I’m so sorry your comments got blocked! Thank you for trying so hard. 🙂

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      • “approved them as vigorously as I know how” – lol – how hard did you click the mouse! I’ve always felt the computer would know my mood by how hard I hit the keys and then behave better, ha ha

        Sorry to litter up your comments section. I don’t know what the problem is – sometimes my comments go through fine, other times they disappear and when I try to re-comment, I get a message saying “you seem to have already sent that message” and then the comment will post fine. It is a puzzle 🙂

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  11. I love your poem and your post! I laughed about the job interview although I’m sure it wasn’t funny at the time for you.

    I hear you on the long hair issues – getting caught in chairs, doors, and electric car windows, hair tumbleweeds and hair drain plugs, tickles from displaced hairs, etc. I had long hair most of my life; it’s shoulder length now but the issues remain. The thing that REALLY drives me crazy, though, is when I get it cut, which would happen no matter how long or short it was – the little bits that fly around somehow make it past the cape, past the towel, past my clothes and right into the interior of my bra. Every cut, I end up having to take it off multiple times, and get out the magnifying glass, the lint roller and the tweezers to rectify the situation (this is AFTER going through the laundry) 😀

    If it makes you feel any better on the eyebrow issue, I hear you on that, too. Trimming has become as frequent for me as tweezing, maybe more so. It’s balanced somewhat by losing leg hair, though!

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  12. I used to have long hair, but with it being especially thick also it would take it forever to dry. I remember as a child my mother opening up the oven door and have me lean over a chair in front of it trying to dry it. If it was curled up at night damp you could be assured that most of the time it wouldn’t get dry by morning. It had just enough natural curl to not do as you wanted. If I could get it up in a pony tail it would loop down with one big curl on the end and of course when you took it down there was a “hump” in the middle of the back. Long on me was just shoulder length. After being married about 7-8 years I decided I wanted to get it cut. About that time my husband said he preferred it long. I thought about it a while (he was well aware of the problems I had with it) and finally said it was getting cut. If he wanted long hair he could grow it. That was probably in the 70’s. Every time since then that I’ve had the wild notion to grow it long, it lasted about 6 months. It now takes me about an hour (mine isn’t the blow & fluff type) from start to finish. Even with short hair I still find loose hair in the same places that you do (just not as much). Now it kind of blends in with the cat & dog hair.

    I couldn’t imagine Aydan with short hair. Good news on the books progress.

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    • “If he wanted long hair he could grow it” – that made me laugh! Mine takes quite a while to dry, too; but since I rarely have anywhere to go, I just let it hang loose and don’t worry about it. It’s a lucky thing I don’t have to style it – if I had to spend an hour on it every morning, I’d be seriously tempted to shave my head! 😉

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  13. I love this whole thing, post and poem 🙂 I had long hair for most of my life, aside from a couple of ill-advised short cuts, one of which was little more than a buzz cut – eek – so I SO relate to every single side effect you listed. Hair caught in chair and car door (and electric window) – check. Hair tumbleweeds – check. Hair down the back of pants – check. (I had to laugh at the thought of a green bean getting lodged in your hair! The worst I’ve had is a spider.) In fact those things all still happen even though my hair now sits just at shoulder length. The hair in the bra thing is mostly after I get a haircut, though – the little sharp trimmings somehow make it all the way past the cape, the towel, and my clothing, to lodge in the foam of my bra and can be a real irritant that washing doesn’t necessarily get rid of. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to take the damn thing off, get out a magnifying glass, lint roller and tweezers to make things right again! lol

    If it’s any comfort in the eyebrow department, I’ve been trimming mine for a number of years now, too . . . at first I just tweezed more severely, until one day I realized they were thinning and getting lighter at the same time they were growing more, and it was starting to look like I had NONE . . . trimming is definitely the way to go. Plus not really caring. That helps, too. 😀

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  14. When I was 27, just a few years ago, the top of my head hurt. I asked one of my friends to look. He said it was sunburn. It took a moment, but I figured out why this can happen and I was in shock. I have to wear a hat now or my basal cell carcinoma comes back to haunt me. Since I can’t grow it on top I now grow it from my eyebrows on down and it all needs to be trimmed regularly. Otherwise, I scare the tourists and local businesses get mad. I have not seen my entire bare face since about 1980 and I am afraid of what I might find if I did. I am glad you still have your hair.

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