The other day we were sitting at the dinner table when Hubby said, “We need a third person in this house.”
Since we’d been talking about eating brownies only seconds earlier, I responded to his non sequitur with a jaw-dangling, “Uh… what?”
“Yeah,” he went on, oblivious to the fact that my dirty mind had already zoomed off in a different direction. “Because then you’d never know for sure that I was the one who’d eaten all the brownies.”
I fell back in my chair, relieved that he was only angling for plausible deniability.
And he’s right: Our household lacks a scapegoat.
Roommates or kids would work; but we don’t want any of those. A dog would do, although it might be a little hard to believe that the dog neatly removed the plastic wrap from the brownie pan before devouring the contents. But that downside is conveniently offset by the fact that dogs can’t protest their innocence.
The only real problem with the ‘scapedog’ scenario is that it’s such a cliché that nobody believes it, even when it’s true.
When I was married to my first husband, we had a dog. Jet was part black Lab and part blue heeler, so digging and chewing were his favourite things. After my ex and I separated but before the divorce was final, one of my ex’s friends lent him a book on relationships and he passed it on to me. (Too little; much too late.)
I’ll never know whether Jet sensed my teeth-gnashing irritation ambivalence about the book or whether it just smelled appetizing, but I came home one day to discover that he’d mauled the book. Its covers were crushed and torn, its pages crumpled or missing entirely, and the whole pathetic corpse was drenched in dog drool and patterned with pawprints.
Oh nooooooo!!!
Even though it had annoyed me, it was still a book. All books are holy and never to be harmed in any way. Borrowed books are to be handled with reverence and returned in exactly the same condition as they were received.
The guilt was awful.
And even worse was the knowledge that nobody was going to believe I hadn’t trashed the book in a fit of rage and blamed the dog.
I interred the sad remains (of the book, not the dog) in a bag along with a written apology and money for a replacement copy, but twenty-four years later I still cringe every time I think of it. So… no scapedog for us.
Hubby and I are actually cat people, but cats make lousy scapegoats since it’s pretty easy to determine whether a ten-pound cat has eaten five pounds of brownies. So I guess Hubby will be our household scapegoat for the foreseeable future.
Too baa-a-a-ad, Hubby! (But I love you even when you do eat all the brownies.) 🙂
Book 14 update: Another beta reader has weighed in, and this time there are only minor edits. Progress!
Author Diane Henders 
Diane…we have two inquisitive and smart Maine Coon cats who think they are little dogs (they are the size of small dogs)….they do get into so many things and make great scapegoats since there are two of them…anything is possible when they work together. It has been great having them as the reason any and/or everything becomes amiss around the house.
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I love Maine Coon cats – they’re my favourite breed! I hope you’ll post some photos of your fur-babies on your blog sometime… (hint, hint). 😉
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😎
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Yes agreed scapegoats are handy but tend to be alot of work. I cracked up thinking about how a q0 pound cat might camaflouge five pounds of brownies. Perhaps a lovely kitty tutu. 🙂
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Now I’m laughing at the thought of a portly feline prancing around in tulle! Those tabby stripes go in the wrong direction — not slimming at all… 😉
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But isn’t it a huge compliment when your loved one LOVES your baking that much? Yes; yes it is 🙂
Annnnnnd now I crave a brownie (yes, one quarter of a pan = one brownie)
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LOL! That math sounds about right to me. And now I’m craving a brownie, too… but the pan’s empty. That’s probably a good thing. 😉
And you’re right, I’m happy that Hubby loves eating goodies, because I love baking them!
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I think I want some brownies. da-yum
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Ooooh, yeah! I’ve been on a quest to perfect my brownie recipe lately, and I think I’m almost there. Just have to make a couple more pans to be sure… 😉
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I think if HE ate that many brownies there would be crumbs around mouth or down front of shirt and possibly grumbling from stomach region. Maybe.
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Hubby just spirits the pan off to his mancave, and it magically reappears on the kitchen counter a few hours later and a lot of brownies lighter. Other than that, there’s no evidence.
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least he doesn’t make a mess. bless his heart
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My mouth was watering, reading your post. I’d love to be your scapedog if that means being able to eat some brownies. We don’t have an oven in our van and we surely miss it. That, and not having any freshly baked goods around anymore!
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Baking is what keeps me sane and happy during the winter months. There’s no happier smell than warm chocolate and vanilla and cinnamon — YUM! I’d never survive in your van lifestyle. 🙂
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I suppose you could take in a boarder. Which reminds me of many bad jokes but I digress. . .
Our rescue dog, Davy Starr, ate a half pan of Brownies his first day home. Chocolate is not good for dogs but he showed no ill effects other than frequent trips outside. It was when he ate an entire medium size pizza that it caught up with him. He was so full he didn’t move for three days.
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Oh, no, poor Davy! I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I can guess how he felt. Back in the days before I was old enough to know better, I once devoured half an extra-large pizza (about 18″ in diameter) at 1 AM. (There was quite a bit of beer involved, too.) Fortunately I have a cast-iron stomach so I suffered no ill effects, but I didn’t feel particularly motivated to eat the next day.
These days I know better; but I don’t always do better. 😉
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Maybe you could hire a random brownie eating service. They’d come by your house say twice a week at random times when you’re not there and eat random food items from the kitchen. You might be able to arrange for them to break unwanted dishes and vases too.
Just a thought.
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Good thinking! I was actually thinking about putting a little kiosk out at the end of our lane offering free baking to passersby. That would solve the problem, too — I’d get to bake and eat a bit of all the goodies, and the rest would conveniently vanish. (And if Hubby happened to spend a little more time than usual out at the end of the lane, well… plausible deniability, right?)
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He could be down there, “handing” them out. If no one passed by — well not your problem.
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I can see you’ve given this some serious thought. 😉
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🙂
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Geez, I always get in trouble when all of a sudden there are no brownies, cookies, pie, cakes, chocolates, etc. left, but I have learned to embrace my scapegoat status. My response is, “Then don’t leave it where I can find it.” Yes, I am sometimes a weak person, but if I find something that will make me instantly happy I just go for it!
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Hooray! Words to live by. I actually don’t mind a bit when he eats all the baking — I love to bake, I love to feed people, and I love to eat. And if somebody else eats all the high-calorie stuff before I can get to it, so much the better! 😉
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You obviously need to adopt a kid to be your SCAPEGOAT. Baa-a-a-ad!
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As long as the kid only showed up long enough to eat the brownies, we’d be fine! 😉
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P.S. Love your gravatar picture… and your waist pouch! 😀
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I live alone, but I’m still convinced that pixies eat my food!!!! I remember buying it but not eating it.
Paris was fabulous, long days travelling but well worth it. I met some one so I feel like I have left a smidge of my heart there but I’m sure once I’m back at work I’ll be fine.
Looking forward to reading the book once it’s done, I’m sure it’s almost there now.
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Book 14 is getting close! The next big push will be to get the cover done, and then I’ll be able to set up pre-orders. My goal for this week is getting the photography lined up.
I’m glad you had such a great time in Paris! And isn’t it pretty much required to leave a little bit of your heart there? 😉
Pixies are definitely the answer to missing food – I’ll tell Hubby!
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