Evil Seagull Lady

/ Diane Henders

The other day I was down at the ocean (and I’m still thrilled that I can get there in fifteen minutes).  This is my favourite time of year to go to the beach – the days are crisp and the tourists are gone, so it’s only me and the waves and the seagulls.

And the Seagull Lady.

An elderly woman drove up and parked as I was walking down to the water’s edge, but I didn’t pay much attention – I was focused on getting to my favourite sandbar while the sun was turning the waves blue and silver.  I made a beeline for my special spot and stood there smiling, tuning out everything but the gentle hush of the waves and the cries of the seagulls.

Except… there seemed to be more seagull cries than usual.  And they weren’t the normal squawks that seagulls emit while they’re casually flying overhead deciding whether to shit on you.  These were more urgent squeals that were easy to translate:  “Feed me!  Feed me!  Feed me!”

I glanced over to see the Seagull Lady seated on a big driftwood log holding a bread bag and surrounded by gulls.  She tossed handful after handful of bread to the greedy crew, who gobbled it up and screamed for more.

I had several thoughts in quick succession:

  1. “Aw, that nice little old lady must love gulls.  That would make a great photo, with her sitting on that big log backlit by the sun and surrounded by birds.”
  2. “Jeez, I’m glad that’s not my house right next to the parking lot.  Now I know why there are always dozens of squawking gulls and a river of birdshit on their roof.  I bet the homeowners would love to smack that nice little old lady.”
  3. “I wonder if that nice little old lady knows that bread is unhealthy for gulls and she’s not really doing them any favours?”

That’s when my brain took a hard left (as it frequently does) and kickstarted my urge to create stories of mayhem and betrayal.

My next thought was this:

“What if that little old lady actually hates gulls?  What if she’s purposely feeding them bread in the full knowledge that it will make them malnourished and less able to fend for themselves?  OMG, what if that little old lady is actually a twisted psychopath who intentionally inflicts suffering on all living things?  That would make an awesome storyline!”

…And that’s what it’s like to live inside my head.

So the next time you see a woman at the beach gazing across the waves and smiling, don’t assume she’s all zen-and-happy-meditation.  She might be devising evil plots…

*

P.S. I’m travelling, so I’ll catch up with comments later in the day.  “Talk” to you then!  🙂

Book 14 update:  I hit the 50% mark this week, hooray!  This is where the plot gets complicated…

25 thoughts on “Evil Seagull Lady”

  3. Love the post made me giggle in a week that has been mad crazy.

    I ve to see occupational health before I could go back to work, I have done 2, half shifts one on Thursday and the other today. On Monday I’ll be doing 5hrs working up to a full shift next Saturday.

    This afternoon I finally got the KEYS to the new flat, we were round there tonight my mother scrubbing the kitchen to within an inch of its life. Tomorrow we start washing the walls and painting probably.

    So busy and happy this will help my general health and mental health no end. I’ll certainly be sleeping well this coming week working in the morning and decorating in the afternoon.

    Hugs and happiness to all xxx

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  4. I can see it all now. First, she lures them in with gobs of free but empty carbs. Then, she leaves a trail of ‘gull candy’ that leads them to her lair. Next, she traps them with an Acme Seagull Trap (you know, the Acme box propped up with a stick and a couple of slices of bread under it as bait–bird shows, jerk the string). Then, the evil fiend WATERBOARDS them until they confess to pooping on her beloved MG Midget! Oh, the humanity…!

    You know, I’d be incensed at the cruel old broad if I didn’t already have some, er, unpleasant history with seagulls myself. I’ve mentioned this before. The episode with a lead sinker on a fishing dock in Corpus Christi, TX, that got me dive-bombed back when I was, I think, sixteen. ‘Rats with wings,’ if you’re up on your Disney fish story lore. But it wasn’t as bad as it easily could’ve been. I was wearing my dad’s shirt at the time. His favorite shirt. The one that my mom never was able to get the seagull poop stain out of. Yeah, *that* shirt.

    Thereafter, Dad was a bit more protective of his wardrobe when I was around.

    And theriouth congratulathions on your, er, Aydan’th, progrethth!! Fifty perthent! You tho rock, thithta! Plot getth complicated at the halfway point, you thay? I prolly won’t notithe. Everyone knowth I’m completely unable to predict your plotth! And have I mentioned that you THO rock? 🙂

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    • Aw, thankth! I’m thrilled at the fifty perthent! Probably won’t make much progreth thith week; but hey, I might get thome productive time in the airport boarding lounge… 🙂

      And oh dear. Your Dad’s favourite shirt, you say? Owie. Hubby once took a direct hit to his favourite hat, which turned out to be lucky in the end; otherwise it would have gotten him square on the top of the head. Somehow, he failed to see the humour of it when I pointed that out…

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  6. In a way those birds are kind of like story lines. When everything is going well and words are just falling out of your head and onto the page it’s like watching those gulls gliding on the air currents up in the sky. Just lovely. Good times. While you’re distracted, one of those beauties comes and steals your sandwich. Being hungry you give chase, but it’s very difficult to catch something that can fly away, which it does carrying with it your sandwich. When you try to recapture the peace of the earlier moment, all you can see is sky. Not a bird in sight. Then you realize they’ve all landed and are staring at you, wanting their own sandwich. A mass of hungry, beaked creatures who looked so serene and beautiful when they were a hundred feet away. That one looks friendlier than the others so you try to coax it away from the flock with some breadcrumbs. In trying to salvage just one good thing you kill it instead. And then all his friends come and shit on you. Thank God I’m not a writer. You can have that mess! Hahaha! Safe travels!

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    • LOL! I dunno, Michelle; you sound a LOT like a writer to me! A non-writer could never have come up with such a fabulous riff on writing and seagulls – I’m still chuckling!

      And thanks for the good wishes on my travel – I made it to my destination intact despite a VERY rough landing yesterday (must have been a brand-new pilot). Hoping for smoother sailing today… 🙂

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  7. I like birds but when I go sit close to pier at Fairhope to look at water, boats and such it is- don’t open window time. Soon as they see an inch of opening they want to get in vehicle with you. If you walk out there with fishing gear they perch there waiting for you to catch a fish for them.

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  9. You sure do have a twisted mind! Have you gone through any therapy for your affliction and if so, did they just write you off as a lost cause? They don’t use electric shock very much these days, but it might be resurrected for special cases. Nothing personal, you understand, I am just curious, but it would make an interesting plot line.

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    • See, I’m not the only one with twisted imaginings! To be honest, I’d be afraid to go for therapy – once they got a glimpse inside my brain, they might lock me up for good. And I’d only consider electroshock if I was on the giving end, not the receiving end. 😉

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  10. Oh. My. My thoughts ran in precisely the same direction as yours. Since I don’t know exactly how to interpret that, I’m going with “genius” for now.

    I hate to see people feeding bread or bread crumbs to the birds. My mom does it. But it can kill birds, especially in the winter time. Which, judging from your comment, you already know. (My mom, on the other hand, won’t even listen to me.)

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  11. Hi Diane Good stuff! Every time seagulls shit on my truck, I make scrambled eggs and eat them on the front deck. I want those birds to know what I am capable of! Keep smilin Duane

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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