Cheesy Sasquatch Fries

/ Diane Henders

* Note:  The first part of this post may require a front porch, a rocker, and a cane to wave at the young whippersnappers.  The second part may require anti-psychotic meds.

Hubby and I were sitting at the table the other day, talking about cheese.  (Yes, I realize that “Let me tell you about the cheese I ate the other day” is the conversational gambit most likely to make listeners lapse into a coma.  I hope you’ll bear with me.)

I bit into a tasteless piece of rubbery orange-ness and announced, “You know, this so-called ‘old’ cheddar is what we used to call ‘mild’.  It’s really sad that there’s a whole generation out there who thinks this is actually ‘old cheddar’.”

“Huh,” Hubby replied.  “Never mind; there’s a whole generation out there who thinks that the orange plastic stuff on their fast-food burgers is cheese.”

Not to outdone by crotchety complaints, I upped the ante.  “And most kids don’t even know that their french fries are made from potatoes.”

Then (as it frequently does in our house) the conversation veered sharply off-course and scuttled down the nearest rabbit hole.

“They probably think french fries grow on trees,” Hubby grumped, then brightened as inspiration hit.  “Groves of french-fry trees… but they’re all hidden behind government-controlled park areas so nobody has ever seen one.”

“That’s it!” I exclaimed.  “The government is in league with the forestry companies.  That’s why the logging companies have such tight controls on their land.  All those security measures and radio check-ins and restricted roads… I mean, seriously, how many logs do they really haul out?  We’ve seen maybe two or three trucks carrying logs in the year since we’ve been here.  They’re actually just hiding all the french-fry trees.”

“And those two logging trucks we saw are only decoys!” Hubby rejoined, getting into the spirit.  “It’s the same two trucks with the same logs, just driving back and forth.  The real money is in the french fries they’re shipping out in unmarked reefer trucks.  And…”

He considered for a moment, then laid down his most compelling argument yet:  “You know that guy who petitioned the Supreme Court to have sasquatches declared an endangered species?  He was onto something, because guess who’s picking the french fries?”  *imaginary drumroll*  “It’s the sasquatches!  They have a treaty with the government that gives them the sole contract to harvest from the secret french-fry trees in exchange for living in seclusion and having no contact with the rest of the world!”

So there you have it:  We’ve figured out the mystery of why some french fries bear no resemblance to an actual potato; and we’ve also explained why all official sources categorically deny the existence of sasquatches.  Are we brilliant, or what?

(Don’t answer that…)

Now their secret is out!

Book 14 update: I made it to Chapter 17 this week and I’m chugging along.  Aydan gets a nice surprise for a change!

32 thoughts on “Cheesy Sasquatch Fries”

  2. Oh to be a fly on the wall listening to you two. Although I would fall to my death from laughing so hard. Frenchy fry trees you say. I think they are on aisle five next to the money trees. Just ask McDonalds. 🙂

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  5. With the way your mind runs it’s no wonder Aydan can get herself into situations of the magnitude they are. Good news on the new book…waiting anxiously.

    By the way, have you ever asked a child where french fries came from?

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    • I haven’t – I don’t know any young children at the moment, but I’m sure if a person was to poll a Grade One or Two class their answers would be enlightening… and probably hilarious!

      And you’re right – sometimes I have to brainstorm to come up with situations for Aydan, and other times I have to dial back my original ideas because they’re just a little too… out there. 😉

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      • I’m thinking it could be simultaneously symbiotic DNA re-matching due to the subconscious ingestion of genetically engineered growth hormones found in rutabagas and collard greens. Those dirty dastards!

        Or, it could be intracranial psycho-mutation caused by atmospheric nuclear testing from the ‘fifties. That was the cause of everything else for the next fifty years, so why would it not be, right?

        Or, it could be colloidal neutron wave beat-frequency oscillation from listening to Janis Joplin through the same headphone jack of your 8-track player.

        Or not. But it coulda been. After all, one good conspiracy theory deserves several more. And it’s not a theory if there really is a conspiracy. Just sayin’…

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  7. Yep, the logging trucks are merely a clever decoy. The fries are harvested by Big Feet (plural of Big Foot?) during the day. After all, who’s around to see them, right? They place the harvest in those big, unexplained, fenced-in areas with the concertina razor wire *pointing in.* All the fries are hauled to market at night by those black helicopters that everybody knows about…but nobody acknowledges.

    The razor wire supports on the fences point inward to keep the fries from escaping. Most escape attempts are foiled, either by the concertina or by the orbiting gunships whose crews are under orders to take no prisoners. One long burst with their Gatling cannons and…potato salad.

    The ones that actually clear the fence are captured and sold to McDonald’s. You can tell, because the razor wire has peeled them completely. The ‘good and obedient’ fries that did not try to escape still have a bit of peel on them here and there. Those go to regular restaurants and supermarkets.

    I mean, it’s SO obvious after you actually learn the government’s dirty little secrets, right?

    Wait…(sniff, sniff, sniff). What’s that I smell? A conspiracy? Yeah, probably. Either that, or it’s just a bit of fiction quick-fried in peanut oil.

    History will decide. 🙂

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  8. You are both nuts but I love it. Couldn’t agree more about kids not knowing about potatoes being the start of French fries. and that yellow stuff on burgers.

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  9. What?!? Fries don’t grow on trees? I’m shocked.

    In other news, a woman in California sued the state for failing to protect hikers from big foot. Seriously, she says she saw big foot in the forest and said that park rangers did nothing to protect her.

    The only conclusion: Sasquatches are now in control of the park service – what next? Congress?

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