Im-pick-able Timing

/ Diane Henders

All my life, I’ve had issues with timing.

If there was a ‘worst possible’ time to attempt something, I would nail it.  In grade school, the other kids could whisper and pass notes all throughout class; but if I tried it even once, I got busted by the teacher instantly.

Same with clothing problems.  Anybody can have a wardrobe malfunction1, but mine occur at the worst possible moments.  (Then again, I suppose there’s no good time for a wardrobe malfunction.)

When I was running for a bus and my shoe flew off, it didn’t happen on the sidewalk.  No, the perfidious shoe launched itself off my foot while I was dashing across the middle of a busy six-lane street during rush hour.  Fortunately I didn’t get creamed by traffic or ticketed for jaywalking.  Or would that be jayrunning…?

And the one and only time my underwear elastic failed, it was while… you guessed it… I was running for a bus.  Fortunately I’d worn pants that day; so instead of dropping to my ankles and tripping me into the path of an oncoming truck, the errant undies only slithered down my hips and hung up on the crotch of my pants.  It wasn’t the most comfortable sensation in the world, but at least I didn’t get murdered by my own gitch.  (That’s yet another reason why I avoid wearing dresses.  Just think:  If I’d worn a dress that day they might still be picking my pieces out of a truck grille.  Dresses are hazardous to your health.)

Anyway…

Let’s talk about red lights.  You know those controller devices that emergency vehicles use to switch the traffic lights in their favour when they’re responding to a call?  Well, apparently I have one of those things implanted in my body… only it switches the traffic lights against me.

It’s actually a hereditary condition – my dad had the same problem.  If my stepmom was driving through the town near their place, she’d sail right through with green lights all the way; but if Dad was driving every light would turn red, every time.  I can’t drive through that town without hitting all the red lights, either.  Just when I think “This time I’m going to make it!” the light changes with impeccable timing.

This problem is so much a part of me that I rarely even think of it anymore.  I usually just accept it and move on… until this week, when it jumped up and bit me again.

I was sitting in my favourite chair enjoying the view from our upstairs window.  We live on a dead-end road out in the sticks, so vehicular traffic is sparse and pedestrians are practically nonexistent.

So I was looking out at the mountains absently rubbing my nose… when I lowered my gaze in time to spot a lone man hiking along, staring up at me at the precise moment I was apparently picking my nose.

Argh!

But it could have been worse.  At least I wasn’t having a wardrobe malfunction as well…

Anybody else plagued with timing issues?

* * *

1Here’s a commercial that didn’t get aired during this year’s Superbowl, but I wish it had:

The view that bit me in the, um… nose.

 

36 thoughts on “Im-pick-able Timing”

    • I don’t even want to think about the kinds of things I might be unconsciously doing when my attention is riveted on a playing field or a drag strip. My only hope is that I never actually see the incriminating photos…

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  2. The only wardrobe malfunction I remember having is when I took a horseback riding vacation in Ireland. On the very first day (and a few times after that), we were galloping up a hill when my left boob suddenly broke free of my bra and starting bouncing around under my shirt. Fortunately, the weather in Ireland in May is still such that you have to wear a couple of layers so the “malfunction” was not noticeable to anyone else but me. Boobs and horseback riding do not go well together. 🙂

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  3. You are a wild and crazy girl, Diane! (apologies to Steve Allen on SNL) I’ve never had a wardrobe malfunction unless you count my socks creeping down in my boots, which isn’t visible to anyone but feels awful, and I only hit the red lights when I’m late – it’s a form of life lesson that apparently I haven’t yet learned, because it’s still happening.

    You have a great view, and so do the people walking by! Loved the video – what a hoot!

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    • I’m glad you got a laugh – that video tickled my funnybone!

      I get the “sock malfunction”, too – SO uncomfortable and annoying! But, as you say, at least the potential for embarrassment is small. 🙂

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  5. Only your bloomers? as my dear departed granny would say? Well I lost a half slip in the crowded entryway of church once. Didn’t realize the elastic was so shot on the damn thing, and suddenly I felt something strange around my calves. I look down and realize I’m losing my undergarments. Fortunately it was REALLY crowded that day and no one noticed that I just reached down and picked em up off the floor, but then I had to worry about whether or not my dress was see through! Ugh. Never again. Now I always pin that dratted thing in place.

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  6. Word is out now and there will be dozens of people walking by just to see what kind of entertainment you might foist upon them. I can’t wait to read about them!

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  7. Is the Rainier cherry the yellow one? If so, they are absolutely the best. We don’t get them here in NC except for a couple of weeks a year. The Honeycrisp apple is another favorite.

    Your view is definitely a great one. Doesn’t happen to be in front of your office area? If it is, how do you get any work (writing) done.

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    • That view is from my office – it sucks to be me. (NOT!) 😀 I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I get so engrossed in writing that it doesn’t even occur to me to look out the window; but I definitely enjoy the view while I’m plotting. Something about that long vista just seems to make my brain work better.

      You’re right; Rainiers are the yellow cherries, and I absolutely love them! We only used to get them a couple of weeks out of the year in Calgary, too; and here I only saw them once in the grocery store last summer. I can barely believe we’ll be able to grow them, but the nurseries promise me we can. I can hardly wait!

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  8. I seem to have bad timing too, but I wish I could say this every day (from my home): “I was looking out at the mountains.” What a wonderful view you must have. You’ll have to show us some pics. If you can time it right, that is!

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  10. Yeah, I stopped wearing dress too. I’ve noticed that there is a street light near my house that always goes out as I drive by, then when I’m past it, it turns back on. I’ve parked near that light and it never goes out for anyone else – just me. I am starting to get worried.

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  11. I’ve completely stopped saying anything when I make a traffic light instead of having to stop. Why? Because every single time I say, “Wow, look at that! I actually made that light for a change!” Thuh Missus invariably says something like, “Oh, really? I never have to stop at that light. It’s always green for me.” And she says it with that calculated degree of smugness, too. You know, the one that announces clearly that I am an imbecile without actually having to say it. Yeah, that one.

    Great view! But I was a bit startled by what I thought were the early indications of a foundation being laid out just on the other side of your drive. I immediately thought, “OH, NO! Somebody’s building another house right in the middle of her beautiful view!” That exact thing happened to some friends of ours. They bought a cabin one vacant lot away from the very top of a mountain in the New Mexico mountain town that we like to visit occasionally.

    “The lot’s been on the market for years with not even a nibble,” the real estate agent told them. “It’ll never sell.” They bought the cabin, and the view was spectacular from the second-storey balcony. Yep, until the next summer. The guy is still kicking himself for not buying the empty lot along with his cabin. The upside here, if there is one, is that the new cabin that’s blocking much of their spectacular view is a really, really nice one. I mentioned that to the guy and got a flat look in return. “Doesn’t help much,” was his most printable response.

    So tell me what I saw in the photo is for tomatoes or something… It’s for your garden, right? Right? Your garden?

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    • Oh, your poor friend – that sucks!

      But it’s okay – that flat spot is our giant veggie garden. And those aren’t survey stakes – they’re just supporting our fruit twigs. (We can’t rightly call them ‘trees’ yet, but we’re hoping someday…) So far we have a Rainier cherry, a Lapins cherry, Honeycrisp and Ambrosia apples, a Rescue crabapple, and an Italian prune plum. Soon to come are a Sweetheart cherry, a couple of hazelnut twigs, and perhaps an apricot twig. The peach twig is tucked under the eaves of our workshop, since stone fruits don’t like our damp winters.

      In a few years, our spring view will include fruit trees in bloom. Ahhhh… 🙂

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