Do I Smell A New Year?

/ Diane Henders

I originally thought I might start off 2018 with a look at last year’s highlights, and maybe throw in a few New Year’s resolutions just to round things out.  But I don’t bother with resolutions, and even if I did they’d be pretty much the same as everybody else’s:  “Stop pigging out on Christmas goodies”; “Find new hiding places for the dead bodies of errant contractors”… y’know, the usual.  And the top stories of 2017 were mostly depressing.

So instead of reviewing the questionable activities of our current world leaders, I’d rather look at what it might be like if we were governed by the benevolent despots we all know and love:  our pets.

If cats ruled the world… we’d be slaves:

  • Naps are mandatory, with a minimum total naptime of 12 hours per day. Disturbing a napping cat is an offense punishable by a life sentence on litter-box duty with no chance of parole.
  • Vegetables and condiments are banned. All meals shall consist of meat and dairy only, with an occasional live mouse just to keep things interesting.
  • All homes must have at least one window that admits direct sunlight; and a soft piece of furniture must be kept in the sunbeam for the sole use of the cat.
  • Humans must take shifts creating a lap for the cat and providing petting services. (Unless the cat decides, in its sole discretion and without prior warning, that it doesn’t want to be petted anymore.  Petting an unwilling cat is an offense punishable on the spot by flaying with claws.)
  • Fur is never to be removed from the cat’s favourite sleeping place. It should be allowed to build up year after year into a felted nest the exact size and shape of the cat.
  • Litter boxes must be cleaned within ten seconds of use.
  • Humans should be spayed or neutered. Not because there’s any health benefit to the humans; just for revenge.
  • Everything is a scratching post.

If dogs ruled the world… we’d be pets:

  • Butt or crotch sniffing is the only acceptable method of greeting. Humans spread too many diseases with handshakes.
  • To ensure optimum health, humans should be taken for long walks at least three times a day.
  • Human walkers must stop frequently to observe their surroundings. This will be strictly enforced by their canine supervisors.
  • Furniture is for the sole use of the dog. Humans are allowed on the furniture only if they provide belly rubs.
  • Stinky substances must be rolled in with abandon. If humans don’t like the smell, they can sleep in the shed.
  • Humans are not allowed to go anywhere unless accompanied by the dog.
  • All meals for dogs shall be at least 50% larger than necessary. It is perfectly acceptable to eat one’s own vomit; and if humans don’t like it they can just look the other way.
  • Everything is a chew toy.

Our household is currently despot pet-free but I’m considering adopting human versions of at least some of their laws; particularly the ones regarding naps, sunbeams, and walks.  Those are New Year’s resolutions I can get behind.

But speaking of behind… I think I’ll skip the butt sniffing.  That might be a teensy bit awkward on pub nights.

Happy New Year, everyone – wishing you all the best in 2018!

35 thoughts on “Do I Smell A New Year?”

  6. I have too many cats. There are only three of us, but nine of them. It’s a tough ratio, but it works. I took a nap on the sofa the other day and when I awoke there were three of them sleeping on me. I didn’t dare disturb them, but the pressure from the one on my bladder got to be too much. I was fortunate to be able to get them off of me with very little blood loss. It was close.

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    • Uh-oh. Letting them outnumber you is dangerous. We had five at one time, and it was always a struggle to find someplace to sit in our living room. Fortunately our cats were very laid-back, and when they were curled up it was possible to slide both hands under the sleeping cat, raise the cat, insinuate oneself beneath the cat, and lower the still-sleeping cat onto the newly-created lap.

      I also believe that cats emit invisible but extremely powerful sleep-waves. If there’s a cat sleeping on you, within seconds your eyelids will start to droop. Two cats, and you’ll be snoring in seconds. Some of my finest naps have been accomplished under a blanket of cats. 🙂

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    • Reminds me of a couple of articles I read years ago: Cat Bathing as an Aerobic Exercise and Cat Bathing as a Martial Art. I remember thinking at the time that the next–and final–article in the series should be Cat Bathing as a Means of Suicide. It certainly would’ve been with the cats we had at the time. I watched one of them send two big dogs home with their faces shredded. She fought both at the same time, and they left a lot faster than they arrived.

      About an hour later, the moron who owned the mutts (show dogs, he claimed, but he was a notorious braggart and total waste of space) showed up in my driveway. He started yelling all sorts of threats for mayhem and bodily harm. My boys (probably five and seven at the time) and I were washing my truck at the time. I sent them inside and told them to close the door. After a rather involved chat with the gent, I persuaded him to be elsewhere for the next hunnerd or two years or so.

      My parting shot was, “And are you really sure you want to file a complaint against an eight pound cat for simultaneously whoopin’ two forty pound dogs? Well, go ahead and sue me. If you actually win, your heirs can try to collect…”

      Which probably wasn’t completely fair of me, now that I think about it. That particular cat weighed almost twelve pounds. But I wasn’t about to let him know THAT, was I?

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  7. Haha so true! You had me giggling. Our kids have two cats and two dogs between them and I could definitely visualize the ‘rules’. Good luck if you move forward with adoption. Clearly not enough excitement with this contractors. Happy New Year!

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  8. So true! Hilarious 🙂

    And sobering, as I realize just how many of the cat ones I’ve been “trained” to do . . . (mouse-eating excepted)

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  9. No butt sniffing on pub nights? Get real. That’s when it happens MOST! Granted, the practice is usually called ‘small talk’ or, perhaps, it’s disguised as buying an exploratory drink. Or an accidentally-on-purpose bump into someone considered attractive-and-not-too-firmly-attached to, say, another bar patron…or to a close friend, if one’s scruples permit.

    Of course, with dogs the whole butt sniffing thing is almost completely risk free. In pubs? With people? Maybe/maybe not. Depends on one’s overall alcohol content for sure, except when one is in that magic ten-minute zone of bulletproofness, suavity, and righteous inability to screw the pooch, er, so to speak. But before that window of irresistability, and certainly AFTER it, certain forms of, er, olfactory exploration can carry an extremely high level of risk. Uh, so I’ve heard…

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  10. My cats must be part dog, that’s the only thing that would explain the periodic butt sniffing they do. Then they make “the face”, which if you’re a cat owner you’ve probably seen, and it’s hilarious. Imagine drawing your upper lip back, your lower jaw back and inhaling through your incisors. Apparently they have the ability to “smell” through some glands in the roof of their mouths, so they inhale through them. Other than that, yep, I’m their slave.

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    • My cats used to do that, too. ‘Way back when I was a kid, I memorized the name for the gland: the vomeronasal organ. But you know what’s funny? I kinda do the same thing when I’m tasting wine. Maybe I’m part feline. 😉

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