Hello, Garlic, My Old Friend

/ Diane Henders

There’s pretty good evidence to suggest that Hubby is a vampire:  He’s basically nocturnal, and garlic repels him with the force of a speeding Mack truck.

Unfortunately, I love garlic.

I try not to inflict it on him often, but every now and then I get a restaurant meal that’s redolent with my favourite allium.  This week was one of those times:  I knew as soon as I took my first mouthful that it was going to be a sinus-burner.  But at that point it was too late to stop, so I chowed down and enjoyed every bite.

Later, I was marinating in my own fumes when a little tune popped unbidden into my brain:  The first line of “The Sound of Silence” by Paul Simon.  Only instead of his lyrics my brain supplied, “Hello, garlic, my old friend”.

And just like that, a blog post is born.

I give you my latest masterpiece:  “It Pounds The Sinus”, sung to the tune of “The Sound of Silence”.  Look out, Weird Al Yankovic; I may be even weirder than you.

Here’s the instrumental version* so you can follow along with the tune:
*The meter is a bit off because the guitar player didn’t exactly match S&G’s original version, but you get the gist.

It Pounds The Sinus
(Sung to the tune of “The Sound of Silence” by Paul Simon)

Hello garlic, my old friend
I’ve gone and gobbled you again
Around my tastebuds softly creeping
From my pores nastily seeping
And the odour that was planted in my veins
Still remains
The stench confounds the sinus

In all my reek I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a streetlamp
I was accosted by a deadly vamp
Though his fangs were lit by the flash of a neon light
He couldn’t fight
The stench that pounds the sinus

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people maybe more
People gawking without speaking
People fleeing after sniffing
People hiking on, who only turned and glared
After I aired
The stench that pounds the sinus

“Fools,” said I
“You do not know, garlic eaters like me blow
Vile miasma that can leach through
Breath mints, Febreze, and full-strength bleach, too”
And my breath like violent raindrops fell
A deathblow
To the suff’ring sinus

And all the people were afraid
Of the horrid stink I’d made
And a sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said
“Bad breath is a problem that a normal girl forestalls
With strong menthols
But garlic still dumbfounds the sinus”

Any other garlic-lovers out there?

36 thoughts on “Hello, Garlic, My Old Friend”

  3. AHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA This is so me and my hubby!!!! I LOVE garlic, and eat it at every chance I get….Mongolian Grill??? I dig into the bottom of the garlic infused oil and heap those glorious pieces of garlic high! YESSSSS!!!! I reak for days after – but oh how happy I am.

    I will lead sing this for you….with pleasure!!! (Garlic breath included at no extra charge!!! 😉 )

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  4. Garlic is a staple in my house, we use it to season every meat/fish/poultry dish we cook. Roasted garlic, powdered garlic, garlic cloves, garlic butter. Garlic goes in marinara sauce too. I can’t imagine not using garlic to cook with. Love the song! I grew up listening to Simon and Garfunkel so adapting the melody to your lyrics sounds great to me. So, if people avoid me, it may be because I reek of garlic? Huh….

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  5. Laughing till I cried. The only thing better would have been you singing on the video. Yes that would be the best. Would you mind doing that? If you can write lyrics like that then surely you could give us a few verses?

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  6. O. M. G. This made me laugh til my eyeballs were sweating and I was snorting like a roofing pig. Like you, I just LOVE garlic. Crave it. But I resist it most of the time, out of respect for the rest of the world. However, resistance is futile when I’m at a certain Italian restaurant that features a delightful, garlic-laden seafood and pasta dish. The effect it has on my body later is noxious. And obnoxious to others. So much so that one night my ex was forced out of bed an into another room that he wound up painting – entirely – to get away from the garlic smell. I still wonder if that’s one reason he’s my ex…

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  9. NOOOOOOO! Not garlic, please not garlic! It literally makes my head ache, whether it’s cooking in something or on someone’s breath . . . I’ve learned I can eat a small, small amount just to counteract my husband’s intake, but most of the time we are a garlic-free zone 🙂

    But man, I love those lyrics 🙂

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    • I thought the lyrics might have a certain ring of truth to the garlic-haters, too. 🙂 It’s interesting that it gives you a headache – sometimes a really strong garlic smell (or any strong smell) can do that to me, too, but it hasn’t stopped me from eating garlic. I guess I’m just a slow learner…

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    • I’d love to have it done by Christmas, but I think that’s a little too optimistic. At least it should go faster than Book 12 – I’m NOT planning to move again this year (or any time in the foreseeable future)! 🙂

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  12. I adore garlic, when asked by anyone to test food to see if it has enough garlic I often reply no even if I haven’t tried it yet. I pity anyone who doesn’t like it coz once I start I want more.
    I used to think I was part vampire but as they hate it, I guess I’m not unless I am a vampire with a mutation which allows me to eat garlic and not perish.

    Meh if I am I am. I still love garlic and enjoy it anytime I feel the need I pity anyone who gets too close if I have enjoyed it.

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    • “…often reply no even if I haven’t tried it yet” – LOL! I can imagine it. Hubby was horrified when I broke the news about roasted garlic: pure spreadable deliciousness. I don’t do it too often though – it really stinks up the house while it’s roasting, and he has to live here, too. 🙂

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  13. A great writer, poet and lyricist all rolled into one. What more could one want? Oh, yeah, a big plate of some garlic delicious food to enjoy while reading. I also enjoy some garlic dishes — fortunately my best friend enjoys them also. You know, if you both eat it you can’t smell it. At least that’s the theory we operate on. I have heard that chewing on some fresh parsley after eating garlic it will lessen the “offensiveness” of that of that particular smell. I’ve not tried it so I can’t testify to the truth of that particular theory.

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    • I’ve heard of that parsley trick, too; and never tried it either. My personal theory is that ice cream lessens the odour. I have no idea whether that’s true at all, but I don’t really care. If it means I get to eat ice cream after a yummy meal, how could it be wrong?

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  15. I was working at Nientendo in Redmond, WA, and the cafeteria is often used as a more convenient route than the real hallways. About 30 minutes before the cafeteria starts serving lunch, the chef puts a little oil and some garlic in several saute skillets on low heat and creates an incredible aroma. Taking the shortcut through there always made me want to hurry back for some lunch with that wonderful flavor.

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