I’m Moved… To Profanity

/ Diane Henders

So… the movers arrived last week to carry all our worldly goods into our new house.

For those with a keen memory and/or a recent move under your belts:  You already know what our lives have been like this week.  But if you’ve been blessed with a long-term fixed address and/or a mercifully short memory, I can sum it up in two words:  Utter chaos.

We had six men (plus ourselves) going flat-out for six hours.  I had a vague idea that we had ‘way too much stuff; but since I had only packed and loaded a couple of dozen boxes personally, the reality was an ugly shock.

At the beginning of the day, I had a plan:  Boxes would be placed in tidy groups in pre-designated areas so I could easily unload their contents into their intended locations…  Hey, you in the back:  Stop snickering!  And you in the front, pick yourself up off the floor and quit laughing your ass off!

Okay, fine; so I was delusional.  That’s what happens when you haven’t moved for 18 years.

The boxes just kept coming.  And coming.  And… coming.

By Hour 2 they had overflowed my tidy designated areas.

By Hour 4 my directions to the movers had devolved into, “I don’t care; put it wherever you can find a space.”

By Hour 5, I was begging them to break stuff so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

By the end of the day I was seriously considering moving back to the hotel and living there for the rest of my life, leaving the gargantuan mountain of boxes to moulder slowly in the ruins of the house.

But I didn’t.  I sucked it up and carved a bedroom out of the disaster zone that night.  And ever since then, I’ve been organizing the kitchen.

I’m a major foodie and I live to cook and bake.  I love all my kitchen gadgets and dishes, truly I do.  BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PEOPLE; WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP ME WHEN I WAS BUYING ALL THAT SHIT?!?

It’s finally more or less under control, though, and after the marathon of kitchen organization the rest of the house will be anticlimactic.  (Says she with ridiculous naïvete.)

So here are the top three lessons I’ve learned from this move:

  • No matter how organized you are with your “pack-last-unpack-first” boxes, there will always be one critical item you’ve forgotten… and it will always be at the bottom of the very last box you unpack.
  • Self-adhesive shelf paper was created by Satan himself in the fiery depths of hell, solely to torture poor fools like me. I wrestled with it for at least 20 minutes per cabinet and it still looks as though I applied it in the dark with one hand tied behind my back while completely inebriated.
  • When weathering the stresses of moving with a dearly beloved spouse, it’s important to remember that marriage is all about give and take: Give blame and take credit.

Seriously, though, Hubby and I haven’t killed each other yet, so that’s gotta be a good sign.  And now that the boxes are diminishing, it’ll be sunshine and Disney from here on in, right?

(Shhh!  Don’t burst my fragile bubble of hope.)

What’s moved you this week?

47 thoughts on “I’m Moved… To Profanity”

  1. You’ve moved! Yay! I think that’s why I constantly de-clutter. Anything that has not been used for more than 6 months goes into the garbage bag..hehe. Except for the house stuff…my dad is a hoarder! Not too bad, but still..

    All the best for the rest of the stuff..hehe.

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    • Thanks, Anita! I’m a thrower-awayer, too (except for my kitchen tools), but Hubby is a hoarder. We usually find a balance between keeping enough stuff to make him happy without driving me crazy, but I think he’s leaning toward de-cluttering, too, now that he has to unpack it all. 😉

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      • Ahahahahaha….that’s the best way to get someone to realise that you can’t keep everything!! Get them to clean and unpack 😛
        BTW..this is Shree..I did a name change and messed around with my blogs enough to confuse long time bloggy friends and…myself! lol.

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  2. Your new home is just beautiful, by the way – I finally left a comment on that post as well. Life, eh? It’s always something, as Gilda Radner so succinctly observed.

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  3. Hehehe, I totally get you. Me and hubby have moved a total of seven times in our lives and it’s one of those tasks that doesn’t get easier with practice or age. We’ve now been in our current digs for about 8 years and that’s it. I’m done if we need to move again, they can bloody well pack me in a box and move me too because I ain’t doin’ it again!

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  4. I’m not laughing! I’m appreciating your heads-up as to what I’m probably facing next week ….we have packers coming Friday and Saturday, then the moving truck comes Monday and Tuesday …. I’m already frazzled fretting about the packing process. Forget the UNpacking. I’m taking my time with that. I’m a foodie too, but I’m dedicating at least our first two weeks to “getting to know the area” (translation: I’M NOT COOKING). So for right now I’m fretting about whether or not I hang around the packers to supervise or answer questions or label boxes or …. what do I do while they’re packing?!? A month from now I’ll remember this post of yours and tell myself, “it could be so much worse!” Best of luck getting settled into your new home!

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    • Thank you, and the same to you! It’s funny; I asked myself the same thing: “What will I do while they’re packing?” Turns out the answer is “Run around frantically trying to put out all the other fires associated with moving.” Such as when the movers refuse to move the metal lathe and there’s only a day left before the shipping container is picked up and just TRY to get a heavy equipment moving specialist with one day’s notice…

      I’m sure your move will go much more smoothly – we just had ‘way too much oddball stuff. And your “getting to know the area” is brilliant! We’ve been getting to know the area a little too well for our pocketbooks lately – time to cook at home for a while. 😉

      Keep calm and carry on! Deep breaths…

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  5. The last time we moved our whole house was thirty years ago. BUT. We moved our daughter to and from and between her apartments at university and back home again, about seven times . And she had a lot of stuff, including furniture. The thing I’ve found that I just couldn’t avoid was having several huge bags at the end that all the leftover junk got shoved into. No matter how many boxes, totes, recyclable grocery bags, etc. we started out with, there were always those dang plastic bags bulging with pennies, tacks, receipts, kitchen oddments, crap found at the back of the closet shelves … you know the stuff. I’m definitely snickering here, but WITH YOU, not at you, honest!

    But you will get there. Some Random Guy’s advice is excellent – it will keep you going for the long haul. It must be nice to finally, FINALLY be in your new place!

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    • The ubiquitous bag of crap! Thank God – I thought I was the only one who ended up with obscure bags at the end of a move (other than the bags under my eyes, which are now large enough to store sandwiches).

      And yes, despite all the hassles it’s wonderful to finally be in! And now that my kitchen is tidy and ready for action it’s going to be even better. There’s something fundamentally wrong if my house doesn’t contain any homemade baking. Chocolate chip cookies, here we come! 🙂

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  6. Congratulations! When you’ve got all the storage buildings empty and every last box, bin, and bag inside the new place, regardless that they’re stacked precariously to the ceiling and you barely can find a clear path to the bathroom…YOU WIN!!!

    The meter has stopped. The expense of the hotel room has ended. No more payments to the storage place(s). Now, the only pressure to get it all done is your own. And it’s real, to be sure. “Gotta get the kitchen done so we can stop spending money on eating out all the time.” “Gotta get the boxes outta the hall so we can maybe find the potty…soon!” And on and on.

    But, herewith wisdom: Deal with it all, yes; but do so with a system and with a set of HARD limits. The system that we’ve pretty much settled on is to take one stack of boxes at a time and put each one in the room its contents dictate. Then, if the stuff in the boxes is important (needed there immediately), empty the boxes, put stuff where it goes, knock the boxes down flat, bag the packing material (newspapers or whatever) and get them out of sight. That way, the clutter goes away when the boxes do. If some of the stuff is not needed there immediately, deal with it anyway. Put it on the shelves in the closet, under the bed, or whatever. The clutter still goes away a little at a time. If that works for you, great. If not, do whatever works for you.

    But the HARD LIMIT is this: Flog for NOT ONE SECOND LONGER THAN ONE HOUR AT THE VERY MOST. I mean it! Set an alarm. When it goes off, SIT DOWN! Even if it’s on the floor, PARK IT!! For a minimum of FIVE MINUTES (minimum, remember!) and DRINK SOME WATER!

    It’s easy to get busy and forget, but don’t. Set that alarm. And before you start again each day, take something like Extra Strength Tylenol, the extended release arthritic dose kind or your favorite brand that’s similar. That’s a preemptive strike against the sore muscle aches and pains that you are guaranteed to have and that make the drudgery of moving even worse than it already is. And repeat as necessary through the day. And stay away from the beer with that stuff! If you like a beer or two before bedtime, use an aspirin derivative instead. Easier on the liver, that way. Ask a medical professional. It’s really a thing.

    And at 7:00, STOP. I mean it. Quit. Sit. Chill. Relax. Eat something, regardless of how tired or sore you are. And DO NOT pick up another thing except your toothbrush before you collapse into your bed. Or sleeping bag on the floor if the stack is still too tall to get into the bedroom.

    In the morning, get a little extra shut-eye. You’ll need it, and your bod will thank you for it. Eat a good breakfast of whatever stuff fuels your bod and drink water or juice or milk.

    And above all, take everything I’ve just declared as law with a grain of salt. Or two. But just know that I’m still absolutely correct. Experience, sista.

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    • Excellent advice, all of it! I subscribe wholeheartedly to the system of clearing the most critical rooms first and putting away everything in the room. First was the master bedroom; then the kitchen and laundry room. As of tonight those are all fully unpacked and operational.

      Unfortunately, the only other advice I’ve heeded is the anti-inflammatory (I use a topical one so my liver thanks me). Resting every hour would be wonderful. Quitting at 7 PM would be wonderful, too; as would sleeping in. Not happening, sadly. My day starts between 6:00 and 6:30 AM and I usually try to start winding it down around 9:30 PM (which usually gets me into bed between 10:30 and 11:00 PM). I sit down long enough to write a blog post once a week and check in to reply to blog comments; other than that I’m on my feet all day except when I sit down for meals.

      I’d love to take it easier, but the house needs to be livable by the time company arrives in two weeks; plus the garden needs to be planted; and the contractors organized for the remaining construction on the garage/workshop/addition; and I’m STILL hoping to actually complete Book 12 sometime in the not-too-distant future. As soon as Book 12 is done I’ll take a vacation…

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  7. Very quietly not to upset your tormented souls – may I suggest to leave the chaos and mayhem a couple of hours , go into town, visit the book store, buy Marie Kondo’s The magic art of tidying up, have a tea in some minimalistic coffee shop and read… that book is like aloe vera for lobster-red shoulders 😉.
    Congratulations to your new and splendid habitat. It has been a wonderful and entertaining adventure to follow!!!! All the best to you and hubby! 😘

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  8. Well Hon the good news is YOU ARE IN!!!!!! Of course the adventure continues and you can handle it. Draw a bubble bath, pour the bubbly and get hubby all comfy in the bedroom. Life as you know it is about to get real. Have fun wondering why you packed half the stuff you did, but toss it as you find it now. Congrats.

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    • Thanks, Susan! That’s great advice – all of it! I’ve already got a pile set aside to donate to a local garage sale for charity, and I’m planning some celebratory beverages as soon as the dust settles. Looking out at our beautiful surroundings makes all the upheaval worthwhile. (Our yard is actually a bit of a moonscape at the moment without the final topsoil, but the forest and mountains beyond are wonderful!)

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  9. I’ve lived in my home for almost 28 years now. The thought of ever moving and the thinning out necessary to ever sell it boggles the mind. How did so much more stuff accumulate since we moved in, anyhow? Moving it all elsewhere? Unimaginable!

    I kind of remember we moved in just before thanksgiving and somehow we were appointed to host the big event. No matter that we weren’t able to fit everyone around a table that is small enough that six is an oversized party. No sweat that between the dining area and living room we could only seat 10 at any given time. No big deal that my dad took it upon himself to bring a stepladder into the kitchen to adjust the hinges on all my kitchen cabinets to make the doors hang more evenly while we were doing all the last minute tasks to put Thanksgiving dinner on the table. Meanwhile half the guests were trying to help get dinner on. It was nuts!

    Glancing back to old posts, six months ago you were dealing with home stagers, maintaining the “people aren’t actually living here” look, realtors, and the smells of good baking when prospective purchasers came over. A week or two of more chaos before life is more stable and the cardboard boxes aren’t keeping you up all night guilting you out. Try not to host any big parties for at least a month and you’ll be just fine.

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    • That sounds like excellent advice! I’m vividly imagining what your Thanksgiving must have been like, especially while dodging your Dad and his stepladder. What a circus! But then again, sometimes the event that doesn’t go according to plan ends up making our fondest memories. If nothing else, your Thanksgiving was memorable. 😉

      And I can hardly wait to put away the last of the boxes! Already our “space” is taking shape. Today I’m dealing with the last of the china and stemware (which I tried to ditch before we left Calgary but nobody would take it). But now that it’s all sparkling-clean, I’m half-glad I’ve still got it. Once it’s tucked away in its cupboards, I’ll be fully glad!

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  10. Your account is a cold slap in the face reminder of reality. If I ever move again I will be having several bonfires before and after. I can’t believe I have accumulated so much crap!

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    • A suggestion, Jono. Have both bonfires, the before one and the after one, first. The road to terminal mental health episodes is paved with plans for the ‘after’ bonfire. Lose the ‘extra’ crap early in the game. Avoid the rush, so to speak. Let me be clear here: DO NOT GO TO THE TROUBLE OF MOVING THE STUFF THAT YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO GET RID OF LATER!!

      Therein lies madness.

      I know, I know, it all seems so reasonable before you become completely buried in the quagmire. “Yeah, we’ll just throw this little dab of stuff in the box and deal with it later.” And a few minutes later…”and that little dab of stuff.” And a few minutes later…and so on.

      So then you have to buy more boxes than your careful plans called for. And then you have to MOVE all those extra boxes. And then, when you are completely used up from all the work of moving, you still have to deal with all that extra crap when you’re already exhausted.

      Don’t do it, bro. Toss early. Avoid the rush. Voice of experience here. Just sayin’…

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  11. I’m still rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. When we moved 5 years ago we lived with friends for 10 days (God love em, and we’re still friends with them today!) and had everything in storage. On moving day we had about 20 friends help us move from U-Haul storage into a 26 foot U-Haul truck, and down to our new house. One couple were expert movers, thank heavens, and were in charge of packing the truck. When they were done a piece of paper wouldn’t fit in there, but we got everything in the truck in under 3 hours, and then off loaded again in 1 hour. Couldn’t find much of anything as it was all stacked in my garage, but we got the bed set up, had towels and toilet paper. That’s all you need, really, after that it’s calling for pizza delivery! But I swear, I’m gonna die right here and they can haul my dessicated carcass out and burn the place to the ground.

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  12. When we moved, I started with an organized plan too. Like yours, it soon fell apart. 😁 It took me two days to get my kitchen how I wanted it, but I loved doing it. The rest of the place, not so much. The grumpies set in. Glad you’re settling in!

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  13. Well having just sewn some elastic to my mattress topper to try and keep it on the bed, my back is definitely objecting to the task. I think I’ll be staying put.
    Although my mum told me the other day she would love me to move closer to her would have been nice if she had told me this over a decade ago before I bought this place

    Glad you are unpacking with about as much enthusiasm as we all feel when we do it. I wonder if you will end up with a box you never unpack

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    • LOL! I won’t – I’m far too obsessive. Hubby, on the other hand, will very likely still have boxes from this move all packed and ready to go for our next move in 20 or 30 years. I don’t worry about his boxes as long as I don’t have to deal with them.

      I hope your back settles down and behaves!

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  15. I’ve been doin’ a bit a cussin’ myself of late: Land’s sakes, Good Lord, Well I’ll be John Brown, Shukkins, gal dern it, sheeeat, Keyriss, shut the door, O Land a Goshin , upon my word, the devils tail, and a curse on that Hillary Clinton.

    The way to do shelf paper is use that leftover wrapping paper , put in the self, make pencil marks at edges and then cut. You now have a pattern and perfect fit !

    The way to expedite the mover’s unloading is to giv’em each a $20 bill at start. Money talks, the furniture then walks.

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    • I definitely should have used the wrapping paper technique! And there was certainly no need to motivate our movers any further. We have a LOT of really heavy stuff – automotive, metalworking, hundreds of books, a piano… you name it. They went full speed the whole time with only two five-minute breaks – didn’t even stop to eat. I was thinking of slipping them 20 bucks to go a little slower. 😉

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  16. I’ve lived in my current house for almost 20 years and I’be been thinking of two possibilities:
    1. Never move again and let our kids deal with the mess when we die.
    2. If we do move, leave everything here and buy new stuff for the new place.
    well, maybe I’d take a couple days change of clothes to start with…

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    • I like both those possibilities! The next move I intend to make will be to an old folks home; and when that happens I’ll hire an auction company to sell off everything they can from here; then hire a garbage removal service for the rest. Those thoughts are oddly soothing right now…

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