For the past few days I’ve been riding the Blue Unicorn. No, that isn’t a kinky sex act (though it sounds like it should be); nor have I been eating funny mushrooms. I promise it’s safe to read on!
So… after an incredibly frustrating week of test-driving used cars, I decided on the Ford Escape, a common vehicle with lots of used ones available. Great.
Or so I thought.
Nope. There were lots of them available; but they’d all been driven into the ground even though their prices were still sky-high. By the end of the week I was so sick of the whole used-car fiasco that I gave up and called the dealership to buy a new one.
I told the salesman the bizarre mix of features I wanted, and there was a brief silence on the line. Then he said, “So basically, you’re looking for a unicorn.”
“Yep.”
“Let me see what I can do.”
Ten minutes later he phones me back in triumph: “I found your unicorn!”
And sure enough, he had. Better yet, it was blue! That delighted me, since I had been cynically certain it would turn out to be white like all my other vehicles.
So I dubbed it The Blue Unicorn, and it’s proudly residing in our driveway. I haven’t had it long enough to determine its personality yet, but you can usually match a vehicle’s face to its attitude.
Or maybe I’m just foolishly anthropomorphizing. (Okay, so that’s not a ‘maybe’.)
Still, don’t these car-faces speak to you?
Ford Mustang – “Get outta my way, punk!” (It even looks like it’s clenching a cigar in its teeth!)
Chevy Spark EV – “Hi, hi, hi! I’m so excited to meet you!”
Chevy Sonic – “Dude! Wanna watch me stuff an entire Big Mac in my mouth?”
Chevy Malibu – “Hey, babe, come back to my place and I’ll show you my etchings.”
Mazda 5 GS – “Whee! Happy-happy-happy day!”
Mazda CX9 – “Okay, now you’re beginning to irritate me…”
Acura NSX – *chuckles evilly*
Nissan Juke – “Dimples and buck-teeth – I’m Howdy Doody!”
Audi A4 – *groans* “Why is it so bright in here? How much did I drink last night?”
Bentley Mulsanne – “Goodness gracious, how inconvenient. I seem to have misplaced my spectacles.”
Jaguar XF – “You just got on my very… last… nerve…”
Jeep Renegade – “Aw, man! That totally sucks.”
Jeep Patriot – “Wh… What do you mean, ‘there is no Santa Claus’?”
Toyota Yaris – “Luke… I… am… your… father…”
Mitsubishi i-MiEV – “Look, I’m the cutest manga character ever!”
The Blue Unicorn’s face – Not sure yet…
I think the Blue Unicorn looks cheerful, but there’s a definite undertone of “Don’t mess with me”. Or maybe I’m just projecting.
What do these car-faces say to you?
* * *
And speaking of subliminal messages… there’s a new discussion over at the Virtual Backyard Book Club: Have you found the secret message on the Never Say Spy covers? Click here to have your say!
Author Diane Henders 
Love the disgruntled Jag and the gruntled Mazda.
LikeLike
LOL! I wonder where one acquires extra gruntles. I could use a few. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
The Blue Unicorn seems to be saying, ‘You bought … ME?’
LikeLiked by 1 person
“They love me! They actually love me!” 🙂
LikeLike
Exactly the expression!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Just Letting The Weird Out | Diane Henders
Since I am old and slow, I am usually looking at the rear ends of both cars and people. Both similarly emit gases.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! True, but at least cars have emission controls. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Human emission controls are needed, especially in elevators.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Emission control for humans are not just necessary for elevators, but for any small enclosed space- cars, public restrooms, offices, classrooms, etc.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Human emissions control? Here ya go:
Waiter to couple in restaurant: May I take your order, please?
Man: Yes, I’ll have two large bean burritos, please with extra onions.
Waiter: Very good, sir. And for you madame?
Woman: My husband will have the wedge salad with ranch dressing, and I will have the same.
Waiter: Very good, madame. I will have your salads right out. Now, what would you like to drink? Sir?
Man: A large dark draft beer, please.
Waiter: Very good, sir. And for you, madame?
Woman: My husband will have an Avian, and I think I will have the same.
Waiter: Excellent choice, madame. I will have your waters right out.
See? Human emissions control. Nothing to it. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
…except that if somebody substituted salad and water for my order of burritos and beer, I’d probably emit some pretty foul profanity. If it doesn’t come out one end, it comes out the other… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Said the FEMALE of the species… 🙂 🙂
LikeLike
Told you I was a weirdo… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wasn’t actually thinking “weirdo.” It was more like “typical.” But that’s just me… 🙂
LikeLike
😀
LikeLike
Loved all of your descriptions…perfect…great laugh and congrats on the new car…always a painful process especially with your foray into the world of used cars…might be why we have two vehicles that are over 10 years old…too painful to go through the process….:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m fervently hoping the Blue Unicorn will last 18 – 20 years so I’ll only have to buy one more vehicle before I’m too old to drive. But at least I always have fun interpreting car faces!
LikeLiked by 2 people
The Blue Unicorn looks like she is trying to read something w/o her reading glasses…:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Or is the Blue Unicorn wearing reading glasses, not reading, and looking out over the top of them?
LikeLiked by 2 people
If I had one less horn and was blue, would that make me a small SUV? I’ve always wondered…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe… but it would definitely make you a horny blue SRG… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Only half as…well, okay. We’ll just go with that. 😜
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL!
LikeLiked by 1 person
@Patti – If that’s the case, the Blue Unicorn and I will get along just fine – I have that expression on my face more or less constantly! 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Couldn’t let that go. You know how I get. 😜
LikeLiked by 1 person
The blue unicorn looks very no nonsense and ready for an adventure. Oh yes you are heading our on one! A good test for any new unicorn. Glad to hear the car buying is now over. There’s a big tick off the list.
LikeLiked by 2 people
“…a big tick off the list.” Absolutely perfect! A big tick: an irritating, blood-sucking parasite, frequently found in or near the sales area of car dealers. Yep, that’s absolutely perfect. Good one, Sue. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Appreciate you picked that up…or off as the case may be with a tick. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Not really a car person, I have to fess to being a fully paid up pedestrian or passenger, but then in the UK it’s easy not to drive.
The pics and descriptions made me smile
Good luck with the listings
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Karen! I’m glad you got a smile. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
It seems that everyone likes your captions for almost all the cars and I will agree except again for the Mustang. It should be Sharkface, AKA Kevin Barnett. Not a face to welcome anywhere but to a tarp in a reefer for a Brazillian Party.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bahahaha!!! Gee, I wonder how many Mustang owners name their cars “Kevin”. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
You nailed them all, in my opinion. Well done!
Now, for the Blue Unicorn … kinda reminds me of Herbie the Volkswagon Bug from years ago – remember him? Looks a bit cross-eyed, too, like a lovable teddy bear. Definitely a friendly guy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of course, if the headlights are the eyes, they’re completely ophthalmologically straight. I was looking at the doodads on the bottom …
LikeLiked by 1 person
No, I’m not a car person, you got me 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! Those doodads do look cross-eyed! It’s hard to see in such a small picture, but the bright parts are actually fog lights and the dark parts are little grilles. And you’re right, now that I really look at it, the Blue Unicorn is two-faced. The bottom face is goofy and friendly and smiley, and the top one by itself still looks pretty cheery, too. I think that’s a good sign!
LikeLiked by 1 person
OMG! You are my kind of nut!!! Thank you for the full out belly laugh I got off of these!!!! BTW….I just sold my Malibu…and she was green, her name was (and still is!!! I know the new owner) Moira!!! She’s Irish….ya know?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of course – that makes perfect sense! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Blue Unicorn? Well yeah, looks good. I won’t bother with the standard questions like :V-8 or 6, auto or stick, windows and door locks, seats or boxes to sit on and on and on. Glad you survived the buying ritual.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! And thanks for hinting – I didn’t want to spout all the gearhead stuff in the main post and make all the non-gearheads’ eyes glaze over. It’s the EcoBoost 4-cyl 2.0 litre turbo with the Auto-Start-Stop feature (which I despise, but I didn’t have a choice). When you’ve driven as many old cars as I have, a vehicle that stalls at every light isn’t environmentally friendly; it’s an unreliable piece of shit. Fortunately I can turn that “feature” off so it runs like a normal vehicle.
6-speed automatic transmission, 4WD, power windows/locks but no power liftgate (that was one of the things that made it a unicorn – usually the power package includes the liftgate). Powered, heated seats for both driver and passenger (another unicorn feature), 60/40 split fold-down seats in the back for a big cargo bay, air/tilt/cruise, integrated phone, backup camera with audible alarm, dual cabin comfort controls, built-in GPS navigation… lessee, have I missed anything? Oh, yeah, NO sunroof! I hate them, so that was another unicorn point – usually when you get a vehicle loaded with the other goodies, they put in a sunroof, too. And no weird “driving/parking aids”.
I’m not crazy about the layout of the engine bay – changing the spark plugs is going to be a giant pain in the ass – but other than that, it’s okay. (Although the mechanic informed me that I should only use Ford plugs because the after-market ones didn’t work as well. I suspect he was handing me a line, but time will tell.) The regular-maintenance items like filters are pretty standard, although I’m annoyed that I got saddled with that stupid Auto-Start-Stop thing because it requires a “special” (read insanely-expensive) battery that can cope with restarting the engine every ten seconds. And it wants 5W-20 oil, which is a little weird but shouldn’t be too hard to find. I’ve only had it a few days, but so far it’s been fun to drive and everything seems okay… *crosses fingers*
LikeLiked by 1 person
Are you really going to need those heated seats in BC? (I’m just agin’ them myself, because the one and only time I ever experienced them, I wasn’t told ahead of time, and when the heat started spreading under my caboose I had a horrible moment of thinking that I had just peed myself. In spite of knowing differently, even. It was very traumatic!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bahahaha!!! That’s awful – scarred for life by heated seats! I don’t know if I’ll need them for the temperature in BC, but they might still feel pretty good on a damp-and-chilly butt. And if I travel back to Manitoba for a winter visit, I’m definitely gonna want them!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ex-gearhead here, I also use to do all my own car maintenance. I’m not a moon roofer either and the Auto-Start-Stop “feature” sounds totally absurd. Glad you can turn it off. Also, you probably already know this, in the future when you change the plugs on the B.U. you will find each of the present dayplug has it’s own condenser unlike in the “olden ” days when there was only one condenser per engine. Since we both seem to like old cars you might understand this: Some years ago I did flight training to get my private pilot license and the process can get a little intense sometimes. What surprised me was that every time I would climb into an old Cessna or Piper they all smelled inside like an old Buick and I immediately felt at home and more at ease.
Bob
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s awesome! That old-car smell is just as distinctive as a new-car smell, but far more comforting. My ’53 Chevy still smells like old-car even though it’s currently stripped of all upholstery. The smell must be right in the steel itself, or maybe in the rubber window seals. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Riding the Blue Unicorn sounds like a massive dildo. Which could be kinky or merely erotic.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! True; it does sound distinctly phallic. Speaking of which, Hubby has been threatening to fasten a big pointy horn on the front of the Escape. It would be fun to do, but it might have an adverse effect on our liability insurance.
LikeLiked by 1 person
To me, the Blue Unicorn is saying, “This double vision is killing me! I’m ‘way too new and cute to need bifocals!” But that’s just me. 🙂
The Ford Mustang looks like it has catfish lips. Seems to be saying, “Duh, okee-dokee…” I’m thinking mouth-breather here.
The rest you pretty much nailed. Congratulations on getting past the car-buying ordeal. That’s huge.
Is all the moving, er, extravaganza, yeah, we’ll go with that, uh, is the move kinda settling down into something a bit more manageable?
We’ve moved enough to have learned to avoid becoming pack rats. And we’ll do it again in a few years when we retire. That helps to keep it all in perspective. After that, though, it’s GAME ON, BABY!!
Then the kids get to sort it out! That’ll lean ’em! 🙂
Oh, and don’t step in that pile of extravaganza…
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Catfish lips” – good one! And the, um… extravaganza is in a temporary hiatus – there was mass panic and chaos while we rushed to prep both our Calgary house and our little acreage for sale, but now that they’re both listed, the waiting begins. And waiting… And waiting… No, we’re not anxious, why do you ask? 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person