Mad Cow!

/ Diane Henders

No, I’m not referring to myself in the title of this post, even though I have been known to act like a total cow on occasion and I’m more or less permanently barking mad, especially after the past couple of highly-stressful weeks.

Here’s the reason for the madness:  We’re trying to buy a new home and move to Vancouver Island.  We’re in negotiations now, which is both exciting and scary!

All in all, I’ve had little time for laughter this week (although I accidentally typed ‘buy a new homo’ in the previous paragraph, so that was good for a snicker).

But since my laugh-levels were critically low I turned to my joke file for the favourites that are guaranteed to make me laugh, and here’s what generated the title for today’s post:

Remember when Mad Cow Disease (bovine spongiform encephalopathy) hit the Canadian news around 2003?  I’ve had this video for over 13 years and I still can’t get past the 20-second mark without laughing uncontrollably:

And here’s another giggle:  When I searched for the BSE link above, I had typed as far as ‘bovine s’ when the suggestion pane appeared:

bovine sex club

Say WHAAAAT?!?  I didn’t even know bovine sex clubs were a ‘thing’, let alone a big enough ‘thing’ to come up second on Google’s suggested searches.  I was tempted to follow the link out of sheer prurient curiosity, but I decided against it.  There are some things that just can’t be un-seen, and I suspect that link leads to many of them.

Coincidentally (or perhaps not), I seem to have quite a bit of bovine-sex-related humour in my joke file.  Some of these jokes are so old they’re probably new again, but you know what they say:  “It’s dejà moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.”

The first one’s just a short pun:

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.

And Daisy exclaims, “It’s true, no bull!”

And here’s a longer joke:

Amy, a city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning on his way out, the rancher says to Amy, “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove in a nail above the cow’s stall so you can show him which cow it is.”

The rancher leaves for the fields. When the artificial insemination man arrives, Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one.”

Impressed that such an obviously citified girl would know about cattle, the man asks, “How did you know this is the cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple — by the nail over its stall,” Amy explains.

Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”

And she says, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

And, in a similar vein, here’s why cows hate winter.

But enough about screwing cows.  Instead, here’s a little video about wooing cows… with jazz.  It always makes me smile!

What’s mooooved you to laughter this week?

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54 thoughts on “Mad Cow!”

  3. Ah yes, those days before seat belts were required in all cars and infant seats had yet to be dreamed up. All 9 of us would wedge ourselves into a VW bug for the 200 mile trip to visit our Grandparents for a holiday visit. My baby brother would be on Mom’s lap and Dad drove, in the back seat my older sisters sat and two more of us either stood or sat on a small bit of seat or on a sister’s lap, and at least two of the smallest kids would sit in the well behind the back seats. I think we looked a bit like a clown act. When we stopped at a traffic light, we’d see pedestrians or cars in the next lane trying to count how many people were in the car. Lots of people mentioned what good Catholics we were. That sort of comment went zooming over my head too.

    Our next few cars were station wagons. You still needed a pretty strong stomach to sit hours on end facing backwards behind the rear wheels. It didn’t stop the counting either. Especially when we were pulling an RV trailer and carried two canoes on top of the car. I wonder how many gallons per mile we used.

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  4. When I was a little girl our family would go on long road trip vacations. We’d load up the car and drive day upon day with only fuel/potty stops and maybe a 15 minute lunch. We made up games or fought just to break up the monotony. Dad would only look for a campsite as the sun set. As we drove past endless farms if any of us kids saw a herd of cows, we’d stick our heads out the window and see who’s Mooooo would get an answer from a cow. Real entertainment, eh?

    On another occasion we were in the Swiss Alps watching a demonstration of people blowing huge long alpine horns. I was so innocent at that age. I’d never seen any creatures mate- not on a nature program nor someone’s pet. So I suddenly notice the cattle and said , “Hey you guys, those two cows were playing leapfrog and didn’t make it all the way over and they got stuck.” It got a laugh, but no explanation.

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    • That’s so cute and funny! And a perfectly logical explanation, too, given your knowledge of the facts at the time. 🙂

      When we travelled, Mom and Dad rode up front in the half-ton and we kids lolled on a foam mattress in the truck box (it had a box topper with windows). That was before seatbelts were mandatory, and it was an ideal solution: Mom and Dad were happily oblivious to any squabbles, there was a pass-through window between the truck and the box topper so we could communicate and pass snacks back and forth if necessary, and we kids had lots of space to read or nap or do whatever we wanted. Except for the small issue of almost-certain death if there had been an accident, it was utopian. Fortunately none of us knew accident statistics then…

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  5. That really made me laugh – I really needed that after the crazy fortnight I’ve had! Something that made me laugh this week – there was some metal naked babies screwed into the wall (they were serving as key hooks) one of the screws was in a metal bush to hold it up – the other was in the babies armpit. My mother said “at least its not further down”. I replied with, to both her and my surprise “well, then it wouldn’t be a screw, it would be a knut”. Which is not technically right at all because a knut is not even like a screw, but it made us laugh at the time!

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    • LOL! That’s a good one! Although, frankly, the metal naked babies are a little disturbing. Who even creates things like that?

      I’m glad you got a good laugh from the Mad Cow – I hope your fortnight of craziness is over and everything gets better from here!

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  6. Wow what exciting news! Stressful but exciting! Vancouver Island is gorgeous and of course the weather is far more fabulous than here. Good luck with the negotiations. I hope it goes the way you want it to Diane.

    As to that video of the mad cow although I’ve seen it before it cracks me up every time. Did i mention I don’t eat red meat? 🙂

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    • Okay, let me get you started with an X-rated sheep joke:

      A city slicker’s car stalls on the road out in the middle of redneck country. After a while a good ol’ boy in a big pickup truck stops and offers him a ride to town, which the city slicker gratefully accepts. They’re riding along and gabbing when the redneck spots a sheep with its head stuck in a fence, and slams on the brakes. He jumps out of the truck and, much to the city slicker’s shock, instead of freeing the sheep the redneck drops his pants and screws the animal.

      When he’s finished, he turns to the open-mouthed city slicker with a big grin and says, “That’s how we do it in these parts. Go on; you’re up next!”

      So the city slicker says, “Well… okay…” And he drops his pants, bends over, and sticks his head in the fence…

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      • You just had to go there didn’t you? OK, but fair warning, F-bomb alert!

        A young man is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:
        “You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No.”
        He continued “Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No.”
        “Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No.”
        “But ya fuck just one sheep..

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  8. Pingback: Betwixt and Between | Beth Younker

  10. I forgot to offer you one last week so now I offer a happy belated this week. Mine was fine. After three years of dealing with probate issues and my own procrastination, I just signed a purchase agreement to sell a property that has been nothing but grief for almost a decade. Yay!

    Are you purchasing land to build your dream home or did you look for something with great bones that will require a lot more tool purchases? Or, some move-in-ready place with the open floor plan, stainless steel appliances, granite counters, and a glass shower stall or two? Somehow I just can’t picture the last option.

    I’ve only had a couple of cow encounters, being a city girl. The first was at art school. One day, instead of drawing from yet another nude model, the professor arranged to bring a cow to the lawn of the school, and we sat on the stairs to the oldest part of the campus and did quick sketches of another female mammal. Even a teathered cow moves around quite a bit and makes it hard to do anything very detailed.

    Another time my brother and his friends decided to commission a painting to give their good friend as a wedding present. They discussed a double portrait of the happy couple, but I told them to leave that to the wedding photographer- no one wants to live with a large image of themselves -photo or painting. Then they said, “Why notpaint the church they will be married in?” No one knew if the church was even of mild architectural interest or of sentimental value to either member of the couple, and I was unwilling to drive hours each way only to find out if it was a lovely steepled building on the top of a hill or a one storie concrete block box squeezed between a day care and a convenience store. In the end, I offered to do a landscape of some of their home state’s rolling hills and farmland, and if they like the painting they can buy it, or chose some other gift for their friend.

    My brother and I found a very pretty farm with cows and various farm buildings nestled in the valley of the rolling hills. We spent four hours there just inside the farm fence line and never was questioned by anyone about trespassing. As the afternoon wore on, the cows came up the winding road to check us out- very similar to the Jazz audience. Cows seem curious and sociable.

    The friends purchased the painting. Years later the marriage fell apart and as they each went their own way, the only possession he wanted to keep of the marital property was the painting.

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    • Thank you, and a very happy belated birthday to you, too! And congratulations on selling your burdensome property – hooray!

      We’re offering on bare land, so if it goes through we’ll get to build what we want… which will be open-plan, but no stainless-steel appliances – I hate cleaning that stuff! And neither Hubby nor I care about architectural grandeur, so it’ll be a modest Cape Cod style with some nice big dormers on the second floor. But first we need to get the land, and the negotiations aren’t over yet. It’s just a teeny bit stressful… 😉

      What a great story about your painting! You do wonderful work, so I’m not surprised that your art was a prized possession. Maybe the curious cows provided some inspiration, too!

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    • Thanks, Nelson! We’re looking up-island from Victoria, in the Qualicum Beach/Coombs area. Still within easy driving distance from Nanaimo, where Hubby will likely end up working, but out of the ‘city’ bustle. We’re getting closer – will hopefully know if we have the property by tomorrow or Friday!

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      • BTW, if you haven’t looked into it, check the PST requirements for settler’s possessions as it relates to a new vehicle if you recently bought one. When we moved back to BC from YYC in 2007, if we hadn’t owned our vehicle for I think it was 6 months, we would have had to pay PST when we registered it. I don’t know if this rule still applies. Drop me an email if you have any questions about moving to the left coast.

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        • Whoa, good catch! Thank you! I would never have considered that. I had originally thought I’d defer the car purchase until I was on the Island, but then realized the selection wasn’t great out there and figured I’d avoid paying PST if I bought it here in Alberta. Perhaps not. I’ll look into it.

          And thanks for your kind offer of advice – I’ll email you shortly. 🙂

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  12. One funny – My human was sitting on the porch with his chair pushed close to the house and under the roof overhang to escape the rays from the baking Florida sun. His legs were elevated to reduce swelling due to his recent hip replacement. As he sat there shifted to idle, a large blue heron decided to stop by and say “Hi!” The Geezer looked up and talked to the bird as it settled directly above him. The Geezer asked, “What can I do for you, Blue?” The bird ruffled its feathers and deposited a large load of used fish directly on the crotch area of his shorts. My human said with out flinching, “Oh, be your toilet, glad to be of service.”

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    • On a related subject, a hunnerd or two years ago on the senior trip with my high school graduating class, some of us were walking out on the fishing pier at Galveston, Texas. People were fishing furiously and dragging in a great number of two- and three-foot-long hammerhead sharks!

      Seagulls were thick in the air, swooping, diving, and some were even hovering motionless just out of reach in the breeze. Some kids were there tossing breadcrumbs to the gulls. One of them handed me a piece of toasted bread and said, “Look, either join us or get out of our way, okay?”

      Uh, sure. Okay, kid, I’m on it.

      So I tossed pieces of toasted bread up to a hovering gull. It hardly had to move its head. When the bread was gone, I looked around on the deck. Found a small lead sinker someone fisherman had dropped.

      Hehe…

      Yep, tossed it to the gull who snagged it, dropped it, soared up a few feet overhead, and dropped a huge disgusting mess on my shoulder.

      Don’t let anybody tell you that seagulls are dumb animals. Or that their aim is bad.

      Back to the motel, showered, rinsed out MY FATHER’S SHIRT that I was wearing, and caught back up with my buddies.

      Dad was miffed. The stain never did completely go away. 🙂

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      • Bahahaha!!! Payback’s a bitch. Do you remember The Far Side cartoons? One that always made me laugh was the one titled, “How Birds See The World”, and it was an aerial view of people walking around with targets on their heads…

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        • Of course I remember! I was a huge fan of The Far Side! And I laughed out loud at that one! One of my favorites was the one about the boneless chicken farm. Flat piles of feathers with beaks and eyeballs. I wheezed when I saw that one. I miss Gary Larsen.

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          • He was brilliant! Even today, we quote Far Side cartoons back and forth to each other in appropriate situations. The boneless chicken farm was one of my favourites, too, and remember “Midvale School For The Gifted”, with the kid pushing the door marked “Pull”? Every time one of us or our friends tries to get out the ‘in’ door or vice versa, all we have to say is “Midvale School For The Gifted” and everybody cracks up.

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  14. I can’t say much has made me giggle this week.
    I am watching castle from the start, just started season 2.

    I have 2 hrs til I start work again, then just 2hrs of work before curling up to watch more castle.

    Good luck with the house. Did you end up finding a car?
    Fingers crossed for you

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    • I always enjoyed Castle, but lost touch with the show a few years ago. And thanks for the good wishes – we’re running around like crazy people this morning trying to get our offer nailed down, so we can use all the good luck that’s available! 🙂 The car purchase has been deferred until the real estate stuff is done, so there are lots of changes coming!

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