…Or maybe ‘joke of the butt’ would be a more appropriate title. Yes, I had a colonoscopy last week, and an upper GI scope at the same time – I suspect they shook hands in the middle. But at least the specialist was kind enough to reassure me that they did use different scopes in my butt and my mouth. Small mercies.
I won’t get into the sordid details of the day-long preparation, partly because I don’t want to gross anybody out, but mostly because Billy Connolly has already gone there in graphic and hilarious detail and I could never compete: https://vimeo.com/24340828
In any case, the prep didn’t bother me too much. Mind you, I’m not saying I’d care to do it again in this lifetime, but for me the worst part was not consuming anything but clear fluids for an entire day. I am not a happy camper when I’m hungry.
I wasn’t too worried about the procedure since I knew they would be giving me conscious sedation, and it worked – I don’t remember a thing between when they started the IV and when I became aware again in the recovery room.
And that creeped me out more than all the prep and procedure combined.
If I’d been fully anesthetized, I wouldn’t have worried; but when other patients returned from their procedures they were fully conscious and (apparently) coherent. The guy in the bed across from me was acting completely normal – reading his chart and visiting with the nurse while she gave him the recovery-room fare of orange juice and cookies.
I don’t remember a thing until I had orange juice and cookies in my hand. I don’t even remember the nurse handing them to me. Suddenly, I was just… there. Eating cookies.
I expend a lot of effort maintaining my verbal filters in public, and if I was sedated enough to eliminate those filters, there’s no telling what I might have said.
Probably something like, “Hey, Doc, if you’re gonna do that, you could at least kiss me first.”
Or I might have recited one (or several) of the classic lines overheard during colonoscopies:
- “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
- “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
- “Can you hear me NOW?”
- “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
- “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
- “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
- “Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
- “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
- “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
- “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”
Worse, apparently you have to expel all the gas that they blow inside you, and I don’t remember doing that, either. But I know far too many fart jokes and if my inhibitions were down, God only knows what I might have said.
They didn’t treat me any differently when they released me, so I’m hoping I kept my inappropriate sense of humour under control.
But I’ll never know whether I’m now the butt of their jokes…
* * *
New discussion over at the Virtual Backyard Book Club: What do you think of Tom? Click here to have your say!