Peek Into My Closet

/ Diane Henders

A few months ago I mentioned I had run across a list of impromptu speech topics for kids.  It amused me, so I hung onto it for potential inspiration.  One of the topics that caught my eye was “What you would find in my closet”.  Prosaic, yes?  But the part that tickled my funnybone was the addendum:  “Make something up”.

Well.

Let’s have a peek into my imaginary closet, shall we?

First off, don’t step into that human-sized glass cylinder with the Google Maps interface displayed on the outside.  That’s my teleportation chamber, and it’ll send me anywhere on earth in the blink of an eye.  (And it gets me there and back intact, too, unlike the Galaxyquest version.)

Next to that is a safe containing several million dollars in untraceable cash.

Why are you looking at me like that?  Of course I’d never use my teleporter to pop into bank vaults in the dark of night!  I won that money fair and square with the lottery ticket that’s framed on the wall right over the vault.  Honest.

At the back is a TARDIS – not because I want to travel through time, but because it’s bigger on the inside.  One can never have too much closet space.

Inside the TARDIS is a giant toolbox full of high quality tools, all clean and organized and ready for use.  (And it’s got a Hubby-proof lock on it so the tools stay clean and organized and ready to use.)

There’s also a gourmet kitchen stocked with the latest tools and appliances, fresh delicious ingredients, and that all-important cooking gadget: a top-notch personal chef.  And a trap/skeet and rifle range; and a fully-equipped gym.

That’s where my flight of fancy ends, but I’m harbouring quite a few oddball items in reality, too.  If you can correctly guess which five items aren’t currently residing in my closet, I’ll write you into Book 12 in a cameo appearance!

  1. Umpteen pairs of jeans
  2. Bellydance scarves with jingly coins
  3. A bearskin rug
  4. A bag of cosmetics
  5. Books
  6. Suitcases
  7. A stuffed deer head
  8. A white cowboy hat decorated with pearls and silk flowers
  9. A stuffed rat
  10. A heart monitor
  11. Wax crayons
  12. A plastic flute
  13. A set of knives
  14. 4½” candy-apple red stiletto pumps
  15. A backpack
  16. Half a dozen waist pouches
  17. A luggage cart
  18. Pink cowboy boots
  19. Christmas cards
  20. A camera tripod
  21. Dusty business clothes
  22. A Frisbee
  23. 4½” leopard-print satin stiletto pumps
  24. A sequined evening gown
  25. A dead plant
  26. A soap dispenser
  27. Dust bunnies
  28. Boxing gloves
  29. Scented candles
  30. A clothes shaver

Which five of these things are not in my closet at the time of writing?  Make your guess before next Tuesday July 19th at midnight MDT!  And yes, I promise I’ll explain the presence of some of the strange items next week.

What’s in your imaginary closet?

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89 thoughts on “Peek Into My Closet”

  1. Which 5 items are not in your actual closet? ONLY 5?!! I’m voting for both stuffed animals (with hopes that when you say stuffed, you mean taxidermied and not some Fuzzy Bunny toys)- deer head and rat- eww. I’m sure if you share the closet with hubby, you’d still draw the line there and relegate these items to the basement or the garage, or trash.
    I’m with your other commenter who said you’d have cowboy boots, just not in pink. I think I remember you saying you loathe pink and if you were coerced into the purchase by some bride, you’d have them re-stained in short order. Likewise, if you were forced into purchasing the boots, I’d bet the cowboy hat was also part of a bride’s maid get-up, and these things are pricey, so you might buy them, but wouldn’t you snip off the fru-fru, tacky pearls and flowers leaving just a nice white cowboy hat? And lastly no dead plants would last in your home, they’d soon be composted or a new plant would go into the pot, should one die, perish the thought.

    I have 3 more items as runners-up; both stiletto pumps, and the scented candle. You don’t need to guild the lily by adding more height although they’d be fun as dress-up for a private audience. I think if the candle was scented, you’d find it as vile as the fragrances that assault you within a mall.

    The other stuff may be a little out of most norms, but seem plausible considering what you’ve already revealed about yourself either in your books or in the blog.

    If I should win, your imagination is better than mine and I’d happily leave the writing to you.

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  2. Forcing myself to NOT look at everyone else’s until after I’ve put mine down, LOL. I can’t wait to see the answers but my guesses are:
    – Umpteen pairs of jeans
    – Bellydance scarves with jingly coins
    – A bag of cosmetics
    – Scented candles
    – A clothes shaver

    ps, it’s really just “Beth” not “Elizabeth”. For the record. haha.

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  3. UGH! Reallly???? 5 out of 30….what shall I choose. So, do you have a walk in closet?? I think that would change my answer a bit…. but if you have just a standard closet I have to go with these options.

    A stuffed deer head
    A stuffed rat
    A luggage cart
    A dead plant
    A soap dispenser

    Oh how it would be fantastic to be written into one of your books. HAHA! Then I could “meet” everyone in “person”!!! LOL I would love to see how you would write my type of person into one of your scenarios!

    Good luck to all of us…. how fun and exciting!

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  4. Pingback: Monsters in the Closet – Beyond the Sphere

  5. ok ive been thinking and I would really like to be Hellhounds lady for the night (hey a girl can dream) so my guesses are

    5 as a writer and book lover I’m sure you have books on a bookcase not in a closet.
    7 and 9 as they would just be creepy next to clothes
    25 depends how big the closet is it could have a window and you just haven’t moved it yet
    30 I don’t think any one really owns one although you don’t know

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  7. Okay, I’ll play. I’m going to guess #3, #4, #13, #18 and #25. But I haven’t been in your closet for awhile. 🙂 I’m guessing the shoes and sequined gown were for photo shoots. The cowboy hat and boots were probably for Stampede week, more as a gag.

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  8. I’d guess 3,10,17,25,and 26. Man’s intuition and you know how good THAT must be. It sounds a little like Fibber McGee’s closet and possibly just as interesting. I don’t throw away much either. You just never know when the right situation will arise that will scream out for one of those “collectable” Items.

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  9. All right I’m going with 9, 11, 18, 25, 28. Pink cowboy boots? I just can’t see it. I’m thinking thw sequins and stilettos could have been a photos shoot, or something I dont want to know about. 🙂
    In my closet a personal assistant who knows SEO inside and out and books tropical vacations every month. Is that too much to ask?

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  14. What fun! Here are my guesses and why:
    1. stuffed deer head because it would be so big you wouldn’t have room for most of the other things (not merely five) especially if it had antlers although now I’m wavering because what if it doesn’t have antlers?
    2. set of knives because they’d be safer in the kitchen and I tell you it was a close call between these and the boxing gloves but if you had to defend yourself I’m guessing you’d use the gloves because they’re less messy
    3. 4-1/2″ leopard-print satin stiletto pumps. I believe the candy-apple red ones would be there because you’d need them to go with the sequined evening gown, which you definitely have because you do dress up fancy now and then (I think I actually remember you saying that you do) and what better statement to make than sequins and red? but you definitely couldn’t wear the leopard print ones with sequins, duh … and I hope I didn’t just guess the opposite of reality and insult you but if I did I apologize
    4. half a dozen waist pouches because you threw them out when you decluttered because you DID declutter didn’t you? everyone is decluttering these days and/or writing a book about it
    5. dead plant because you have a very green thumb and you’d never kill a plant (or if you did, you’d never keep the evidence)

    What’s in my dream closet? Enough room to have a sewing nook! Okay, a sewing room … no, a sewing suite! Go big or go home, right?

    I love your dream closet, especially the tools in a man-proof cabinet. All I have is a tape measure and a 5-bit screwdriver and my husband manages to make them disappear on a regular basis; meanwhile he has an entire workshop of tools! Mine are “nearer” … hah

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    • Hi, Jenny. Wanna keep your guy away from your tools? Easiest thing, the perfect solution: Paint all your tools pink. No kidding. I know more than one lady who has done that with perfect results.

      Years ago, I worked as a construction supervisor for a while. Worked out of my car and a briefcase Not my favorite gig, but it paid the bills when I needed them paid, so can complain. Guys would borrow my stapler from my briefcase. I would replace it with another black stapler from the office supply store only to have that one disappear as well. Epiphany! I finally got a PINK one…and I still have it to this day. That was fifteen years ago. The guys would just hold their papers out and ask me to staple it for them. Nobody would even TOUCH my pink stapler.

      It works.

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        • My stapler that the guys treated as something deadly and fearsone was actually a hot pink. I’m talking a rally TORRID shade of fuscia. And ladies I know who have done this just used whatever shade they liked or could actually buy. Your call on that, doesn’t seem to make a difference. Just an FYI. Good luck with the process if you do try it.

          Rock on, sista.

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    • @jenny_o – I love the idea of a sewing suite! Right now I have my sewing machine and serger crammed onto a table in the corner of my office, and if I want to cut anything out I have to do it on the floor. Imagine… a full-sized cutting table… *sigh* And my husband uses the same excuse: My tools are “easier to find”. Grrr.

      @SomeRandomGuy – Pink! That’s brilliant! I love your stapler story. Problem is, Hubby couldn’t care less what colour the tools are as long as he can nab them conveniently. Guess I should’ve married a guy who wasn’t quite as secure in his manhood. 😉

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      • Yes, for guys who TRULY AND TOTALLY ARE secure in their manhood, pink tools wouldn’t slow them down at all. Not even a hiccup, much less a speed bump. In fact, you might try painting your tools pink just for a sure-fire test. But, regardless of how it turns out, don’t tell him I was the one who put you up to it. 🙂

        But we’re talking construction crews here. Macho was a ridiculous understatement for those guys. I think their wives (AND their girl friends, an interesting bunch to work with, they were) had them in detox periodically for testosterone overload.

        And if they didn’t, they should have. 🙂

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        • Oh, and if I win, I’d like to be the crusty old jack-of-all-trades who can build anything and fix anything who works in Chow’s secret lair. You know, that old machinist, welder, metal fab, cabinet maker, tool maker, carpenter guy who can do twenty hours of work in ten when the pressure’s on and it’s just gotta get done yesterday. That guy. Yeah, the one who fills in on trumpet over at Blue Eddie’s on jam night every once in a while. Yeah, THAT guy.. Yeah. That’s the guy I wanna be.

          Why wouldn’t I? I’d ALREADY like to be that guy! 🙂

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          • Ooh, can we do that, make up our own character? Who would I be…I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking…..damn, I got nothing. *Snort, I can see you having fun with this Diane: winner is buying fun toys at Up and Coming, really inventive ones that makes everyone stop to see what’s going on. Yep, if that is the case then I might win, I mean, the only time I probably will see my name in print is when I’m buying naughty toys.

            Hey, Some Random Guy, love the crust J-O-A-T character. Yep, can see you muttering curses at Chow under your breath when his Bristly and your crust attitudes clash.

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  15. Sorry for the reply of nothing! Stupid laptop keyboard. Anyway, I hope this is the correct way to get my answer to you. So, based on what I know about Aidan’s, um, I mean, Diane’s lifestyle….. Heart monitor Leopard print stilettos? Seriously? Luggage cart Bearskin rug – I can see the stuffed animals, just not the rug For the final item, I’m torn but I’m picking the bellydance scarves w/bells. I can see the scarves, but NOT with the bells. LOL

    Karen L. – if I’m right, can I be a bad guy?

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  16. My Inner Scientist has pushed me to one side to answer your question, Diane, which gives me someone to blame should it be incorrect.
    Umpteen pairs of jeans is unlikely not to be there, knowing you, says he. The same with bellydance scarves with jingly coins. Hmmm…
    Imagine hold music here whilst the master’s brain is ticking over…
    OK. The results are in. Not in your imaginary closet are:
    A bearskin rug
    A white cowboy hat decorated with pearls and silk flowers
    4½” candy-apple red stiletto pumps
    4½” leopard-print satin stiletto pumps
    A sequined evening gown
    I actually have a closet the size you write about in the Mansion somewhere… I’ll have a look to see if I can find it, and I’ll let you know what’s in there, over on my blog, in due course…
    What about that, eh? A comment that ends with a to be continued! Hehehe!

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  18. The stuff that’s not there:

    1. Evening gown (Not saying it’s impossible for you to own a lovely evening gown, you understand, just unlikely, okay? Hey, I own my own tuxedo. Just sayin’)
    2. Red stilettos (You’re five feet, ten inches tall, fer cryin’ out loud! You do NOT have any need at all to guild the lily. Trust me. I am wise in these matters.)
    3. Leopard stilettos (Leopard? Really?)
    4. Dust bunnies (Regardless of how busy you two are, I’m pretty sure y’all keep a better house than that.)
    5. Dead plant (With your reverence for all things green and growing? Seriously? You expect me to believe that you’d put a live plant in a dark closet? And just leave it there? And if it wuz dead to begin with, you’d still put it in a closet? Sorry, sista. Not buyin’ that one.)

    What’s in my imaginary closet? Another tuxedo, of course. One like Jackie Chan wore in the movie of the same name. Further, deponent sayeth not…

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  19. Stuffed dear head and stuffed rat coz that’s just creepy

    Everything else I could soo see in your closet

    But I can’t see you in a seasoned evening gown unless it was green, that would work with your colouring

    A dead plant why not I had a few in the house

    New job is ok, loads of sitting about waiting for other people but I’m working in on bottoms and a smart top and at home

    Hugs to all karen xx

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      • It is great wearing comfy clothes, and having a fridge in the office is great, no end of cold drinks or a snack, lunch on the go
        I’ve been healthier too this week I’ve made to batches of yogurt this week, only small and its easiyo so it’s not like I have to do much

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  20. I am going to let my imaginary closet stay closed to the public for many reasons.
    As to what is not in your closet…
    pink cowboy boots
    4 1/2 leopard pumps
    a stuffed rat (if you do have this, I am going to need an explanation)
    dead plant
    wax crayons

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  22. Items not in your closet: 1. A stuffed rat 2. 4 1/2″candy-apple red stiletto pumps 3. Pink cowboy boots 4. 4 1/2″ leopard print satin stiletto pumps 5. A dead plant Lois

    >

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  23. I think the following are not in your closet:
    A bag of Cosmetics
    A heart monitor
    Set of Knives
    Christmas Cards
    Dead Plant

    As to my imaginary closet, there would be a tropical island complete with maid service and chef. My own private jet to take me anywhere I wanted to go. And Sam Elliot, because ….really?

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