A few months ago I mentioned I had run across a list of impromptu speech topics for kids. It amused me, so I hung onto it for potential inspiration. One of the topics that caught my eye was “What you would find in my closet”. Prosaic, yes? But the part that tickled my funnybone was the addendum: “Make something up”.
Well.
Let’s have a peek into my imaginary closet, shall we?
First off, don’t step into that human-sized glass cylinder with the Google Maps interface displayed on the outside. That’s my teleportation chamber, and it’ll send me anywhere on earth in the blink of an eye. (And it gets me there and back intact, too, unlike the Galaxyquest version.)
Next to that is a safe containing several million dollars in untraceable cash.
Why are you looking at me like that? Of course I’d never use my teleporter to pop into bank vaults in the dark of night! I won that money fair and square with the lottery ticket that’s framed on the wall right over the vault. Honest.
At the back is a TARDIS – not because I want to travel through time, but because it’s bigger on the inside. One can never have too much closet space.
Inside the TARDIS is a giant toolbox full of high quality tools, all clean and organized and ready for use. (And it’s got a Hubby-proof lock on it so the tools stay clean and organized and ready to use.)
There’s also a gourmet kitchen stocked with the latest tools and appliances, fresh delicious ingredients, and that all-important cooking gadget: a top-notch personal chef. And a trap/skeet and rifle range; and a fully-equipped gym.
That’s where my flight of fancy ends, but I’m harbouring quite a few oddball items in reality, too. If you can correctly guess which five items aren’t currently residing in my closet, I’ll write you into Book 12 in a cameo appearance!
- Umpteen pairs of jeans
- Bellydance scarves with jingly coins
- A bearskin rug
- A bag of cosmetics
- Books
- Suitcases
- A stuffed deer head
- A white cowboy hat decorated with pearls and silk flowers
- A stuffed rat
- A heart monitor
- Wax crayons
- A plastic flute
- A set of knives
- 4½” candy-apple red stiletto pumps
- A backpack
- Half a dozen waist pouches
- A luggage cart
- Pink cowboy boots
- Christmas cards
- A camera tripod
- Dusty business clothes
- A Frisbee
- 4½” leopard-print satin stiletto pumps
- A sequined evening gown
- A dead plant
- A soap dispenser
- Dust bunnies
- Boxing gloves
- Scented candles
- A clothes shaver
Which five of these things are not in my closet at the time of writing? Make your guess before next Tuesday July 19th at midnight MDT! And yes, I promise I’ll explain the presence of some of the strange items next week.
What’s in your imaginary closet?
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New discussion over at the Virtual Backyard Book Club: How Do You Like That Setting? Click here to have your say!
Which 5 items are not in your actual closet? ONLY 5?!! I’m voting for both stuffed animals (with hopes that when you say stuffed, you mean taxidermied and not some Fuzzy Bunny toys)- deer head and rat- eww. I’m sure if you share the closet with hubby, you’d still draw the line there and relegate these items to the basement or the garage, or trash.
I’m with your other commenter who said you’d have cowboy boots, just not in pink. I think I remember you saying you loathe pink and if you were coerced into the purchase by some bride, you’d have them re-stained in short order. Likewise, if you were forced into purchasing the boots, I’d bet the cowboy hat was also part of a bride’s maid get-up, and these things are pricey, so you might buy them, but wouldn’t you snip off the fru-fru, tacky pearls and flowers leaving just a nice white cowboy hat? And lastly no dead plants would last in your home, they’d soon be composted or a new plant would go into the pot, should one die, perish the thought.
I have 3 more items as runners-up; both stiletto pumps, and the scented candle. You don’t need to guild the lily by adding more height although they’d be fun as dress-up for a private audience. I think if the candle was scented, you’d find it as vile as the fragrances that assault you within a mall.
The other stuff may be a little out of most norms, but seem plausible considering what you’ve already revealed about yourself either in your books or in the blog.
If I should win, your imagination is better than mine and I’d happily leave the writing to you.
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Excellent guesses! Stay tuned for the answers tomorrow! 🙂
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Forcing myself to NOT look at everyone else’s until after I’ve put mine down, LOL. I can’t wait to see the answers but my guesses are:
– Umpteen pairs of jeans
– Bellydance scarves with jingly coins
– A bag of cosmetics
– Scented candles
– A clothes shaver
ps, it’s really just “Beth” not “Elizabeth”. For the record. haha.
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And now that I’m getting through comments, I also see votes for what folks want to be. I see myself as more of a romantic rival for John’s affections, of the cougar variety since I am a smidge older than he…making Aydan wildly jealous and she finally has to decide. John, or Hellhound.
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Love the twist – it would be fun to write Beth-the-cougar!
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It would be fun to read about Beth-the-cougar, too. Just sayin’… 🙂
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I have money…I can pay…can you be bribed? That’s really the question, haha.
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LOL! Sorry, but money won’t do it. Gourmet food, on the other hand… 😉
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I’m sure we can work something out. My husband’s family is still talking about the cheesecake I made for them the first time I met them 16 years ago!
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That doesn’t necessarily mean that it was totally delicious, ya know, Beth.
My family still talks about some of the things I cooked years ago, too. Just sayin’… 😉
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Ouch.
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UGH! Reallly???? 5 out of 30….what shall I choose. So, do you have a walk in closet?? I think that would change my answer a bit…. but if you have just a standard closet I have to go with these options.
A stuffed deer head
A stuffed rat
A luggage cart
A dead plant
A soap dispenser
Oh how it would be fantastic to be written into one of your books. HAHA! Then I could “meet” everyone in “person”!!! LOL I would love to see how you would write my type of person into one of your scenarios!
Good luck to all of us…. how fun and exciting!
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Good guesses! Answers coming soon… 😀
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ok ive been thinking and I would really like to be Hellhounds lady for the night (hey a girl can dream) so my guesses are
5 as a writer and book lover I’m sure you have books on a bookcase not in a closet.
7 and 9 as they would just be creepy next to clothes
25 depends how big the closet is it could have a window and you just haven’t moved it yet
30 I don’t think any one really owns one although you don’t know
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If you win, I’ll make it happen with Hellhound! Stay tuned to this channel…
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Even if I don’t you have my permission to use me with Hellhound
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Gee, I kinda like where this is goin’… 🙂
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I don’t mind if she uses me for someone with Hellhound at least I could say I’d spent the night with him, right now that’s about it for offers.
Just think Diane I wouldn’t mind if you killed me off after, a tall leggy blonde spending the night with Hellhound who Aydan kills off in a moment of jealousy, or not.
It’s cool if I don’t win, I don’t mind not being in a girl can wish (or hope)
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Oh, that’s right! We’re talking a one-book deal here, aren’t we!
Okay, so if I win, I’ll be the equivalent of the red-shirt ensign in the TV Starr Trek who was always killed off in some horrible manner.
So, Diane, do we get to pick our own demise? If so, I wanna go out in a blaze of glory. Say, by saving the day for some young ladies who are attacked outside of Blue Eddie’s by some rotten lowlifes. I’d like to take out two of the baddies and cripple the third before he gets away leaving a thick trail of blood that the authorities can easily trail for the capture.
Ooh, cool! I like that! So can I have a eulogy? Huh? Huh? Can I?”
Yeah, about now, this is looking like more trouble than it’s worth, too, right? 🙂
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Nah, it’s little things like this that make it fun! After all, the character of Jill Francis is one of my friends who wanted to be Germain’s girlfriend; I worked Ballistic Rutabagas into Book 10; I had your ‘alien porn’ challenge for Book 11; and Book 12’s challenge comes from @SueSlaght, for whom I’ve promised to include a short-beaked echidna with a four-headed penis. (Check out how that came about in her post here: http://traveltalesoflife.com/2016/06/03/australia-short-beaked-echidna-tongue/). So a Red-Shirt with a touching eulogy? No prob!
P.S. Sue – I’ve figured out how to fulfill your double-dare – I haven’t written the scene yet, but it’ll in Book 12 for sure!
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Gad, I hope I win!!
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your sounds fun but selfishly id love to win too
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I regretted posting that as soon as I pushed the button. Who wouldn’t love to win, fer cryin’ out loud? Durr. Forget I mentioned it? Okay?
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Gazing into my crystal ball and I see the numbers 3, 7, 13, 22 and 26!
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Good guesses! Tune in next week for the answers…
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Okay, I’ll play. I’m going to guess #3, #4, #13, #18 and #25. But I haven’t been in your closet for awhile. 🙂 I’m guessing the shoes and sequined gown were for photo shoots. The cowboy hat and boots were probably for Stampede week, more as a gag.
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Good guesses! All will be revealed next week… okay, not ‘all’. That would be awkward. Let’s just say ‘all of the above’ will be revealed.
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I’d guess 3,10,17,25,and 26. Man’s intuition and you know how good THAT must be. It sounds a little like Fibber McGee’s closet and possibly just as interesting. I don’t throw away much either. You just never know when the right situation will arise that will scream out for one of those “collectable” Items.
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That’s the truth! I’m actually a thrower-outer by nature, but there are a few things I hang onto in the certain knowledge that less than a day after I throw them out, I’ll need them.
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All right I’m going with 9, 11, 18, 25, 28. Pink cowboy boots? I just can’t see it. I’m thinking thw sequins and stilettos could have been a photos shoot, or something I dont want to know about. 🙂
In my closet a personal assistant who knows SEO inside and out and books tropical vacations every month. Is that too much to ask?
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LOL! I don’t think that’s too much to ask at all! That’s the beauty of imaginary closets. 🙂
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Excellent news! 🙂
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Got to go with 4 13 14 20 25. I wanna be a gigolo in the book!
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Now that would be fun to write! 😀
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4.7.19.23.24 hike!
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LOL! You’ll find out next week if you scored a touchdown! 🙂
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My best guess is 3, 18, 19, 25 and 26. Im sure you have boots but I’m not sure they are pink.
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Good guesses!
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Based on no knowledge whatsoever: scented candles, a dead plant, Christmas cards, a plastic flute, a bearskin rug
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Good guesses all! Stay tuned for the answers next week! 🙂
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Numbers 4, 14, 18, 23 & 24 are NOT in your closet. 🙂 Can’t wait for book 12!!!
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Also, in terms of other comments on their role in the new book, have at it baby! I love the way you write. Although, if I’m honest I would really want to be a kick-ass agent that becomes mad friends with Ayden and the gang lol
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What fun! Here are my guesses and why:
1. stuffed deer head because it would be so big you wouldn’t have room for most of the other things (not merely five) especially if it had antlers although now I’m wavering because what if it doesn’t have antlers?
2. set of knives because they’d be safer in the kitchen and I tell you it was a close call between these and the boxing gloves but if you had to defend yourself I’m guessing you’d use the gloves because they’re less messy
3. 4-1/2″ leopard-print satin stiletto pumps. I believe the candy-apple red ones would be there because you’d need them to go with the sequined evening gown, which you definitely have because you do dress up fancy now and then (I think I actually remember you saying that you do) and what better statement to make than sequins and red? but you definitely couldn’t wear the leopard print ones with sequins, duh … and I hope I didn’t just guess the opposite of reality and insult you but if I did I apologize
4. half a dozen waist pouches because you threw them out when you decluttered because you DID declutter didn’t you? everyone is decluttering these days and/or writing a book about it
5. dead plant because you have a very green thumb and you’d never kill a plant (or if you did, you’d never keep the evidence)
What’s in my dream closet? Enough room to have a sewing nook! Okay, a sewing room … no, a sewing suite! Go big or go home, right?
I love your dream closet, especially the tools in a man-proof cabinet. All I have is a tape measure and a 5-bit screwdriver and my husband manages to make them disappear on a regular basis; meanwhile he has an entire workshop of tools! Mine are “nearer” … hah
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Hi, Jenny. Wanna keep your guy away from your tools? Easiest thing, the perfect solution: Paint all your tools pink. No kidding. I know more than one lady who has done that with perfect results.
Years ago, I worked as a construction supervisor for a while. Worked out of my car and a briefcase Not my favorite gig, but it paid the bills when I needed them paid, so can complain. Guys would borrow my stapler from my briefcase. I would replace it with another black stapler from the office supply store only to have that one disappear as well. Epiphany! I finally got a PINK one…and I still have it to this day. That was fifteen years ago. The guys would just hold their papers out and ask me to staple it for them. Nobody would even TOUCH my pink stapler.
It works.
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Hahaha! That’s awesome 🙂
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My stapler that the guys treated as something deadly and fearsone was actually a hot pink. I’m talking a rally TORRID shade of fuscia. And ladies I know who have done this just used whatever shade they liked or could actually buy. Your call on that, doesn’t seem to make a difference. Just an FYI. Good luck with the process if you do try it.
Rock on, sista.
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@jenny_o – I love the idea of a sewing suite! Right now I have my sewing machine and serger crammed onto a table in the corner of my office, and if I want to cut anything out I have to do it on the floor. Imagine… a full-sized cutting table… *sigh* And my husband uses the same excuse: My tools are “easier to find”. Grrr.
@SomeRandomGuy – Pink! That’s brilliant! I love your stapler story. Problem is, Hubby couldn’t care less what colour the tools are as long as he can nab them conveniently. Guess I should’ve married a guy who wasn’t quite as secure in his manhood. 😉
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Yes, for guys who TRULY AND TOTALLY ARE secure in their manhood, pink tools wouldn’t slow them down at all. Not even a hiccup, much less a speed bump. In fact, you might try painting your tools pink just for a sure-fire test. But, regardless of how it turns out, don’t tell him I was the one who put you up to it. 🙂
But we’re talking construction crews here. Macho was a ridiculous understatement for those guys. I think their wives (AND their girl friends, an interesting bunch to work with, they were) had them in detox periodically for testosterone overload.
And if they didn’t, they should have. 🙂
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Oh, and if I win, I’d like to be the crusty old jack-of-all-trades who can build anything and fix anything who works in Chow’s secret lair. You know, that old machinist, welder, metal fab, cabinet maker, tool maker, carpenter guy who can do twenty hours of work in ten when the pressure’s on and it’s just gotta get done yesterday. That guy. Yeah, the one who fills in on trumpet over at Blue Eddie’s on jam night every once in a while. Yeah, THAT guy.. Yeah. That’s the guy I wanna be.
Why wouldn’t I? I’d ALREADY like to be that guy! 🙂
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If you win, the role is yours! Stay tuned… 😀
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Ooh, can we do that, make up our own character? Who would I be…I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking…..damn, I got nothing. *Snort, I can see you having fun with this Diane: winner is buying fun toys at Up and Coming, really inventive ones that makes everyone stop to see what’s going on. Yep, if that is the case then I might win, I mean, the only time I probably will see my name in print is when I’m buying naughty toys.
Hey, Some Random Guy, love the crust J-O-A-T character. Yep, can see you muttering curses at Chow under your breath when his Bristly and your crust attitudes clash.
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Yep, but they all put up with me cuz I can build ANYTHING faster than ANYBODY! And il a whole other person, a nice guy away from work. Must be something in the water… 🙂
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Sorry for the reply of nothing! Stupid laptop keyboard. Anyway, I hope this is the correct way to get my answer to you. So, based on what I know about Aidan’s, um, I mean, Diane’s lifestyle….. Heart monitor Leopard print stilettos? Seriously? Luggage cart Bearskin rug – I can see the stuffed animals, just not the rug For the final item, I’m torn but I’m picking the bellydance scarves w/bells. I can see the scarves, but NOT with the bells. LOL
Karen L. – if I’m right, can I be a bad guy?
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If you’re right, you can definitely be a bad guy! 😀 Stay tuned next week for the big reveal…
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My Inner Scientist has pushed me to one side to answer your question, Diane, which gives me someone to blame should it be incorrect.
Umpteen pairs of jeans is unlikely not to be there, knowing you, says he. The same with bellydance scarves with jingly coins. Hmmm…
Imagine hold music here whilst the master’s brain is ticking over…
OK. The results are in. Not in your imaginary closet are:
A bearskin rug
A white cowboy hat decorated with pearls and silk flowers
4½” candy-apple red stiletto pumps
4½” leopard-print satin stiletto pumps
A sequined evening gown
I actually have a closet the size you write about in the Mansion somewhere… I’ll have a look to see if I can find it, and I’ll let you know what’s in there, over on my blog, in due course…
What about that, eh? A comment that ends with a to be continued! Hehehe!
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Dood, she posted the belly dance video on YouTube. Not bad at all, I’m happy to report.
And Diane, the look works. Just so you know. 😉
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I saw the video, GL, which made me think that if Diane is dancing in it, the scarf is likely to be in the closet at some point, and therefore unlikely not to be there! 😀 That’s how my mind works…
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Oh, of course. Naturally. Er, of course. 🙂
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😀
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LOL! I’ll look for your “closet report” on your blog sometime soon! 🙂
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My scientific wild assed guesses: A bearskin rug, A stuffed deer head, A stuffed rat, A camera tripod, A Frisbee
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Very scientific, indeed! I’d be interested to see the algorithm. 😉
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The stuff that’s not there:
1. Evening gown (Not saying it’s impossible for you to own a lovely evening gown, you understand, just unlikely, okay? Hey, I own my own tuxedo. Just sayin’)
2. Red stilettos (You’re five feet, ten inches tall, fer cryin’ out loud! You do NOT have any need at all to guild the lily. Trust me. I am wise in these matters.)
3. Leopard stilettos (Leopard? Really?)
4. Dust bunnies (Regardless of how busy you two are, I’m pretty sure y’all keep a better house than that.)
5. Dead plant (With your reverence for all things green and growing? Seriously? You expect me to believe that you’d put a live plant in a dark closet? And just leave it there? And if it wuz dead to begin with, you’d still put it in a closet? Sorry, sista. Not buyin’ that one.)
What’s in my imaginary closet? Another tuxedo, of course. One like Jackie Chan wore in the movie of the same name. Further, deponent sayeth not…
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I have to say though I’m 6ft1 and I own a pair for 4″ heels they are whats known as my “fuckmehookershoes” and are mainly only worn in the bedroom but I still have ’em I also have a few pairs of wedges with a big heel and a fab pair or purple suede boots with a 3″ heel
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Oooooh, kinky… 😉
Okay, looks like I might have to turn in my ‘women’s fashion consultant’ card. But not quite yet. 🙂
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I have to fess I wear mostly flats these days I like walking in flats it’s easier
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I’ll bet!
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Yup ain’t that the truth
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sigh…at 5’2″ I would need about an 8″ pump to play with the big kids.
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Now that’s what i call a visual! Good one, Laurel. 🙂
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Aha, the secret tuxedo closet! I’m visualizing something like James Bond’s weapons repository, except stocked with nothing but killer tuxes (and the correct accoutrements for them, of course).
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That’s pretty much it. Rent ‘The Tuxedo.’ It’s fluff, but it’s still got some funny scenes and the premise is unique, as far as I know. A worthwhile way to spend a quiet evening at home. A washtub full of popcorn, a pile of chili dogs, plenty of cold beer, and a stack of good movies. Y’all go right ahead. You’ve earned it.
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You had me at “washtub full of popcorn”! The chili dogs and cold beer are icing on the cake, and that point the movie is secondary. 😉
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…yep, who needs movies then? 🙂
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Stuffed dear head and stuffed rat coz that’s just creepy
Everything else I could soo see in your closet
But I can’t see you in a seasoned evening gown unless it was green, that would work with your colouring
A dead plant why not I had a few in the house
New job is ok, loads of sitting about waiting for other people but I’m working in on bottoms and a smart top and at home
Hugs to all karen xx
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I’m glad the new job is going well! Sitting around waiting for other people isn’t nearly so bad when you get to do it from home wearing comfy clothes! 🙂
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It is great wearing comfy clothes, and having a fridge in the office is great, no end of cold drinks or a snack, lunch on the go
I’ve been healthier too this week I’ve made to batches of yogurt this week, only small and its easiyo so it’s not like I have to do much
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I am going to let my imaginary closet stay closed to the public for many reasons.
As to what is not in your closet…
pink cowboy boots
4 1/2 leopard pumps
a stuffed rat (if you do have this, I am going to need an explanation)
dead plant
wax crayons
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LOL! Yep, I was proud of myself for keeping my closet report G-rated. Mind you, I didn’t necessarily mention everything that was in there… 😉
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1.Dead Plant
2.Clothes Shaver
3.Soap Dispenser
4.Boxing Gloves
5. Wax Crayons
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Good guesses! Answers next week…
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Items not in your closet: 1. A stuffed rat 2. 4 1/2″candy-apple red stiletto pumps 3. Pink cowboy boots 4. 4 1/2″ leopard print satin stiletto pumps 5. A dead plant Lois
>
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Good guesses! Stay tuned for the answers next week… 🙂
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I think the following are not in your closet:
A bag of Cosmetics
A heart monitor
Set of Knives
Christmas Cards
Dead Plant
As to my imaginary closet, there would be a tropical island complete with maid service and chef. My own private jet to take me anywhere I wanted to go. And Sam Elliot, because ….really?
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And Sam Elliot! Dang, why didn’t I think of that?!? Next time I use my teleporter, I might just bring Sam back to my TARDIS. Or… is that a little too creepy-stalker-ish…? 😉
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Only if he doesn’t want to be brought. Otherwise, consenting adults, and all that. Then again, Hubby might express some concerns. Either way. Just sayin’…
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Hmmm, there’s that. I guess Sam’s safe after all. (But it’s still fun to window-shop.) 🙂
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With that, I can heartily agree! 😉
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