Disgusting Butt Mounds

/ Diane Henders

So tell me:  When you read the title of this post, what was your mental image?

Okay, maybe that isn’t a fair question.  After all, if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, I’d be shocked if you didn’t immediately leap to an off-colour interpretation just because you know me too well.

So let’s keep this scientific and unbiased.  I’ll rephrase the question:  What would you have envisioned if you’d seen that title on the page of a serious and established online newspaper?

At this point you may be shaking your head and saying, “Get a grip.  It’s just another one of your twisted misreads.”

You’d be completely justified in thinking that, but no; this time I had read the headline correctly.  In its entirety, it read: “Will Timmins council get rid of downtown’s disgusting butt mounds?”

I read it once; then again.  Triple-checked to be sure I wasn’t misreading it.

Stared at it, wondering, “What the hell can they possibly be talking about?”

And then my brain exploded with speculations and vile mental images:

Speculation 1:  Maybe the denizens of downtown Timmins have frequent and/or intentional wardrobe malfunctions that expose their disgusting butt mounds, and everybody’s sick of seeing them.  (I visualize the follow-up headline: “Timmins eyes buttcrack bylaw”.)

wardrobe malfunction

Speculation 2:  Perhaps people are reacting to one of those ill-conceived investments in Downtown Art that leaves everybody questioning the sanity of both the city council and the artist.  (New headline:  “Timmins makes cracks about butt-ugly sculpture”.)

kiss this

Speculation 3:  Or maybe the Butt Mounds are some sort of natural landscape feature that the citizens of Timmins find offensive and their city council is coming under pressure to raze the eyesore.  (New headline:  “Environmentalists implore: ‘Timmins, support your Butt Mounds!’”)

butt mounds

Sad to say, I wasn’t even close with any of my speculations.  Nope, they were talking about mounds of cigarette butts in the outdoor smoking areas:  https://www.sudbury.com/around-the-north/will-timmins-council-get-rid-of-downtowns-disgusting-butt-mounds-328274

Well, shit.  Talk about anticlimactic.  But at least it gave me a giggle or three.

What’s funny in your world this week?

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New discussion at the Virtual Backyard Book Club:  Two Guys, One Girl – What Do You Think?  Click here to have your say!

57 thoughts on “Disgusting Butt Mounds”

  1. I have so enjoyed this post. Well, I enjoy ALL your posts, but being an ex-smoker myself, I could relate to so much of it. I smoked for 55 years and of course am now paying the price for it. I quit cold-turkey a couple years after my husband did and was the smartest thing I believe I ever did. It’s been 10 years now and while I’ll admit that now and again I wonder “maybe I could just smoke one….just one….”) all I have to do is attempt one really deep breath and I remember why I quit. LOL
    Life is still hectic here. There’s been more doc visits, some newer tests and a couple consultations with heart people. It seems that hubby has more or less run out of options. The two main valves in the heart aren’t functioning properly and with an already partially collapsed right lung, his high BP, and fluid retention surrounding the heart anyway, he will only get worse and at best have maybe a year left. Even at that he had to think about the surgery. I told him that I had invested 54 years in him and my dividends aren’t ready to expire so neither could he! He called the main heart surgeon today (well, I did since he can’t hear very well anymore) and let them know that he’s ready if they are. We should hear something in the next few days as to when and where it will be done.
    I haven’t had much time to work on my Etsy stuff or the Blog. Seems like if I have a few minutes of quiet and alone time, I spend it numbing out mentally with a game of Tetris. LOL I don’t have to concentrate or think, the fingers just automatically click, up, down, left, right. Then I can have a good cry, tell myself “Get a grip dummy” and go do the dishes or laundry etc. Jeez!
    I am so looking forward to the next installment! I love all these characters like they were family. I still hold out hopes for Ayden and John, and somewhere there’s someone for Hellhound that has to make an entrance too. I’m a hopeless romantic, hahahaha
    Keep up your wonderful work, it makes everything better for everyone.

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    • Guys, this is private to Moondance, so would y’all kindly look the other way, please?

      Moondance, please do take your man to see another doctor. A REAL doctor, and not one of those useless nitwits at the VA. I know the expense is real, but those VA morons are both WORTHLESS and DANGEROUS!! Been there, done that, WILL NOT EVER DO IT AGAIN!! They are the most inept and underqualified medical personnel on the planet. Totally worthless, to the last soup-drooling moron.

      Please. An accurate diagnosis followed by the exact treatment that is proper for it will almost certainly be greatly beneficial.

      Ok, I’m done, but if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have mentioned it in the first place. Just so you know.

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      • Oh, Random Guy, I love you for that! I do agree with you all the way about most all of the VA docs. We went through several in the beginning and after one of the last ones told him that he had cancer (this was after a single, standard chest x-ray yet) I blew my top. I went to the head of the local VA clinic and read him the riot act, more or less, about a complete mis-diagnosis like that from someone obviously not qualified to be a prison doctor! Next thing I knew, that doc was gone and hubby was given a new primary care doctor. He has pretty much been right on top of all the doctors that have been involved and has worked hard getting him seen by outside private doctors under the Veteran’s Choice program. I guess we got lucky, so to speak, and the last 3 specialists he’s seen have been in the private sector. This last one, I checked him out, has a huge list of qualifications and some extremely good reviews. He has been very open and direct with us both, lined out the pro’s and the risks involved. The costs involved will be covered by the VA so even if there are some left over ones they can still be handled by his part of his Medicare. We know what to expect and we pray for the positives. I am with you about most all the reviews on VA “care”. We see them each time we go there and hear the other Vets and their lack of care. It’s shameful.
        Again, I thank you so much for your care and thoughts. I have my “healing and strength” candles that I name and light during my rituals. I have one with your name on it btw, as I knew you were having shoulder problems. I know my candles don’t mean that miracles will happen, but, sometimes when the smoke curls into the air I like to think that some positive energy makes it’s way to the individual. You know, like that butterfly effect thing! 🙂

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        • Great! Apparently things in that place just might suck a little less than they used to. I’d hope they were better. They certainly couldn’t have been much worse. And thanks for the good wishes, sista. Can always appreciate those! 😜

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    • Oh, Moondance, I wish hugs and good wishes could make it all better! What a hard time for both you and your hubby. I’m glad you have Tetris to give your mind and emotions a chance to just ‘be’. I don’t think my candles have any magical powers, but for what it’s worth, I’m sending thoughts of strength and peace of mind your way. Fingers crossed for your hubby’s surgery!

      What an achievement for you to quit smoking cold-turkey! I’ve never smoked, but I’ve heard lots of people describe how difficult it is to quit, so I’m impressed. And I got a chuckle out of your line “…all I have to do is attempt one really deep breath and I remember why I quit”! Yep, that’ll do it. I’ve heard that food tastes better after you quit, too – that would be a major motivator. 🙂

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  4. I have to few fess up to ciggies having another slang name in the UK, one we don’t use much any more for obvious reasons but they are often called fags, so in some people refer to the butt mounds and fag ends which always makes me laugh even though I shouldn’t

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  6. I immediately thought of the comment from “Steel Magnolias” about someone’s ass looking like “two pigs fighting under a blanket”. Butt smokes? (wink!) never would have gotten that on my own, and I’m also a former smoker, ha!
    Glad to hear we are all somewhat healing up. I was doing great, had a little setback with the incision and got it opened back up in one tiny place and now it’s being a bugger about healing, so I’m grounded from my hot tub again, dammit. But I’ve gotten up to doing a mile in 15 minutes with my walking, so I’m happy about that, and was able to ride the bike trainer this week using my clipless pedals without any difficulty…which is rather a funny thing to call them when you think about it, since you’re actually clipped into them with a cleat on your shoe. Another of life’s anachronisms. But as soon as I build endurance, we’re hitting the trails!

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    • A mile in 15 minutes! Wow, that’s awesome! Sorry to hear about the healing issue, and I hope it resolves soon. But it sounds as though you’re not letting anything stop you. And I have infinite respect for anyone who rides with their feet tied to their bicycles. If I tried that the results would be, at best, painful and ugly, and at worst, fatal.

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  7. The thing that occurred to me was the trousers-at-half-mast thing. I just can’t get past the rock-salt-in-the-shotgun thing with that. For a first offense. Next time, you brainless, inconsiderate, ill-mannered, bag of dung, it’s buckshot. But that’s just me. I know, I’m intolerant and bigoted and reactionary. That makes it all my fault and not the perp’s.

    What’s funny here this week? Hm. Not a lot, offhand. Well, if I had to find something positive, I guess it would be that NOT ONE CASE OF FROSTBITE has been reported all week in the county where I live.

    Okay, okay, so it’s been 107 – 108 degF here. For days. But I’m still calling that a positive. Okay, so I don’t have a lot to work with here.

    In other news, it’s back to the doctor for me next Monday for a checkup and progress report on the shoulder. I’m gonna pester him to let me start playing my trumpet again and getting my lip back. It’s been six freaking weeks (seven by then), and my lip is HISTORY. Besides, I really enjoy practicing and playing, and I miss it. A FREAKING LOT. Just sayin’…

    When I quit smoking decades ago, I quit all the way.. I hate the smell and everything else that goes along with it now. And tossing butts everywhere? I’m thinking rock salt again. And lit ones? That’s worth buckshot. Say, number fours or bigger. Up close and personal. But that’s just me. Because I’m intolerant and bigoted and reactionary. But then, y’all knew that already.

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    • I’m with you on the butt crack views. Why? I can understand if you squat down and bend over you might flash a little crack. But come on, just walking around letting the split show, no reason for it. Well maybe if there was some medical reason, like the nether region needs more air flow and by having the belt sink below the crack allows air to follow the valley created causing the nether region to be oxygenated. Just a guess. Other then that, the rest should be given the rock salt/buck shot treatment you mentioned and a pair of suspenders.

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    • 108 degrees?!? That’s just a little too toasty for my tastes. At that temperature I’d turn into a grease spot on the pavement just walking between my car and my house.

      And the two of you just about made me snort tea with your reactions to butt cracks! Now I’m visualizing little placards like the government issues for handicapped parking: Maybe a bisected globe with the caption “This crack is medically necessary”.

      @SomeRandomGuy – I hope you get that shoulder cleared for takeoff! We’re all hoping for a video with your trumpet solo on it pretty soon.

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  8. Haha well I immediately went to some mounds of dirt that had the misfortune to look like butts. Although anti climatic getting rid of cigarette butts sounds great to me. One of my pet peeves to be driving or walking along and have one land in front of me as if somehow this is an all right thing to do. Don’t get me started. Arrgh.

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  9. Ha!…cigarette butts, never crossed my mind. I was thinking similar to your thinking Diane: the exposed butts and the monument. But what first came to mind were the panties with the butt pads to make ones butt bigger: Not sure why when everyone out there exercising to loose weight has butt shrinkage in mind. Who would know people actually pay to have a but like mine. I live in a confused world.

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    • Thanks! Some days my drawings work out just the way I want them to, and other days it takes me ten tries just to produce a proper stick person. I’ll never know what makes the difference, but these ones worked out well! 🙂

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  11. Your butt mound has made me laugh, Diane – I mean your interpretation of it, that is!
    I misread the newspaper headline as Will Timmins being a person, which made the headline make little sense, and the question mark at the end threw its context out completely. I had to read it again to get it right!

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  13. I love you ideas on what a butt mound would be, I have to fess even as a smoker I do hate them littering up the place, I always try to find a bin or an ashtray, or I put the end out and place it back in the box to dispose of later when I find a bin.

    or as has become the norm I tend to only smoke at home or at other friends houses who also smoke.

    it only takes a moment and some self respect to be tidy with ur ciggy ends

    not much funny has happened to me this week, oh apart from seeing the 39 steps at the weekend, I do so enjoy the play version as much as the books and films, my cold has settled on my chest and I’m still laughing like Mutely (from the wacky racers)

    I’m enjoying having a break between jobs but please roll on Monday when I start the new one

    Karen xx

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    • It sucks that you have such a rotten cold – I hope it gets better soon! And I never even considered the possibility that they were talking about cigarette butts – I’ve never seen any ‘mounds’ here in Calgary. All the buildings have receptacles out front, and people seem to be using them. (Or maybe the building owners just clean them up every day, who knows?)

      Good luck with your new job! 🙂

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      • It was disgusting out side my old job, cigarette ends all-over the place, people walking there dogs used to complain loads.

        I used to avoid going out if I could but sometimes you really need to enjoy having a break from the office

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