Sordid Chocolate Mousse

/ Diane Henders

As you’ve probably guessed if you’ve read my books, I’m a foodie – I love to eat, try new foods, and cook.  Although when things go awry the way they did this week, well… not so much.  But I’m addicted to recipes, and the internet is my evil enabler.

So this week I got sucked in by Blender Chocolate Mousse from a local food blogger’s site:  Dinner With Julie.  The recipe required a blender (quelle surprise), which I rarely use because it’s a pain in the ass to clean. But all the stars and planets had aligned:  I had my food processor out anyway, I happened to have whipping cream in my fridge, and the recipe sang its siren song.

(Note the critical disparity in the previous paragraph:  Blender Chocolate Mousse.  I have a food processor.  This is how fiascos begin.)

Per the instructions, I chucked the chocolate in the food processor, poured in the hot custard, and fired that sucker up.  Knowing that disaster lurks behind the simplest activities, I heeded Julie’s advice to put a towel over the food processor just in case.  But it performed faultlessly – not a single drop of chocolate marred my towel.  Smugly congratulating myself, I removed the towel and took off the food processor lid.

That’s when everything went to hell.

Blenders have watertight lids.  Food processors have lids with a large hole in them for the pusher device.  As soon as I tilted the lid to scrape the mousse off the inside, the pusher thing fell out on the counter.  It was, of course, covered with liquid chocolate mousse.  It bounced.  Several times.

Chocolate mousse splattered over several feet of counter, the backsplash, other appliances and me.  That generated some creative language, but little did I know it was only a foreshadowing of things to come.

The blending bowl in my food processor has an open tube in the centre for the driveshaft, and the blade housing sits atop it.  So you have to remove the blade housing before you pour anything out of the blending bowl.

Liquid chocolate mousse is really slippery.  The blade housing is a smooth plastic cone.  I couldn’t get hold of it.

After scrabbling uselessly at it for longer than I care to admit, I finally brained up and hooked a spatula under the blade.  When I pulled it out, chocolate mousse dribbled through the bowl opening, all over the driveshaft, and all the way to the sink; but by then everything was so sticky that it didn’t make much difference.  I poured the mousse into ramekins and turned to the cleanup.

In my defense, I’d like to reiterate that it was chocolate mousse.  And wasting chocolate is a crime.

At least, that was my excuse when Hubby rounded the corner and caught me licking the shaft of the food processor.  For the record, there are few things more embarrassing than getting caught performing fellatio on a kitchen appliance.  Especially when it’s one you don’t even love.

I mean, I could be forgiven for getting it on with my sexy European tomato press.  Even being caught in the act with my virile high-powered juicer wouldn’t have been so bad.  But a chocolate-smeared food processor?  It just seemed so… sordid.

Anyway, I got the kitchen cleaned up at last, and the mousse was delicious – silky-smooth and over-the-top chocolatey.

But I’m not sure it was worth it.

* * *

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41 thoughts on “Sordid Chocolate Mousse”

  1. Was going to save this for tomorrow but I’m just sooooooo happy I can’t wait

    Drum roll ……
    I got a job!!!!!

    I will be working from home

    Just wanted to thank you Diane and everyone else for all your good thoughts and encouragement especially when I’ve missed out on things

    You are a great group of people, who I’m enriched by knowing even if I’ve never met you in person. I’m so glad I read ‘Never Say Spy’ and commented on you blog that first time.

    Love and hugs from a very very happy bunnie

    Karen xxxxx

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    • I’d apologize for the near-caffeination of your screen, but it would be insincere – I’m glad you got a laugh. (Or a spit-take, whichever is applicable.) And it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who exhibits the proper reverence toward chocolate! 🙂

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  3. Ahh, Diane! Only in your world–maybe. I laughed out loud when I got to the “clean up” part. I will give it to you as it would be something I would do. Chocolate canNOT be wasted. I’ve been known to lick the counter top in order not to waste a single speck. I just don’t let myself be caught!

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  4. I love the fact that others have blender experiences that turn against them and not just me. Sounds a lot like my kitchen and after too many blenders had been ruined (by their own mechanics gone wrong of course) I don’t own one any more. It’s just best all around.
    I’m just getting back to what has become my version of “normal” around here. This whole month, so far, and it’s not over yet, has been a medical nightmare. Hubby took ill suddenly after the Cardio Ablation failed due to a blood clot that wasn’t supposed to be there, showed up. He started getting weak and no appetite, couldn’t pass fluid at all. Wound up taking him to the ER and they did tests etc., fitted him with a catheter, gave him some meds and said to follow up with his regular doctor in a couple days! So professional. In the next day he doubled over and since we had an appointment with his VA dr. in Biloxi, MS anyway, we took off. Long story short he wound up in ICU at the VA hospital for 9 days and then in the regular hosp. area for another 4. He had a bladder collapse, UTI, pneumonia, a “form” of ecoli (not sure yet as to where that came from they are still checking it out) and, he was about to go into Sepsis (I think that’s spelled right) his organs were beginning to shut down. The first ER could have found out some of that from the blood test they took but I think since they knew that he was a Vet, handled mostly through the VA, they weren’t sure if they were going to be paid so they just shipped him out for another set of docs to handle it.
    Anyway, close call, he’s home now and over the worst part. I hope. Still has the catheter in place and will for another couple weeks. I feel like I’ve been through the wringer and hung out on a chicken wire fence. I’ve missed some net posts and need to catch up. I may never sleep right again. The recliners they have in hospitals are not meant for actually sleeping, especially for people my age.
    Hopefully he will regain some strength and get back on his feet soon. I’m going to need some extra B-12 in order to keep up! 🙂
    I’m finding myself already checking on #12 LOL.
    Now I’m going to go read some more posts.

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  6. I think you hung the moose too long. Which is in no way related to a well hung moose, fellatio or no fellatio.
    Forty five years ago (OK, 50) when I was an undergrad, one of the grad students was doing her MSc on digestibility of calf milk replacer ingredients which is the difference between what goes in and what comes out. In this case chromium dioxide (green) was used as an indigestible marker. Calf poop is gross at the best of times and green calf poop is even grosser. She was mixing samples in the blender when the glass jar broke and covered her in green slime. She did not lick the beaters.

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    • Bahahaha!!! That’s absolutely disgusting! (But it would have been funny… at a distance.) And I’m still laughing over the ‘well hung moose’. Makes me think of the moose statue in Moose Jaw, SK- many years ago I was driving by on one of my road trips and somebody had painted his dangly bits fluorescent orange. But I think he’s suffered an even greater indignity since – last time I drove by, his dangly bits were gone entirely. Wikipedia phrases it tactfully: “…Mac has been vandalized many times (once being painted blue and another physical damage was done)…” Poor Mac. That’s what you get for being a well hung moose.

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  7. LOL! Having read your blog for this long, I have to say nothing in this post surprises me. Well, except for tomato press. I never knew there was such a thing. (Yeah, not a foodie. I pretty much avoid kitchens whenever possible.)

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    • I’m becoming predictable… sigh. 😉 The tomato press is pretty much the height of kitchen-geekdom, but it sure makes canning tomatoes a breeze! And I’m sure you have mad skillz in at least part of the kitchen – maybe drink-mixing part…?

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  9. OMG!!!! I am wiping tears out of my eyes!!! I must admit, I don’t know what my hubby would do if he found me performing fellatio on a kitchen appliance, but maybe it’s worth a try to see what he does…. I am envisioning some chocolate mousse making it’s way into the bedroom! 😉

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    • LOL! Hubby didn’t seem to mind at all – that was his cheap thrill for the day! Fortunately he’s secure enough in his manhood not to feel threatened by a food processor. (But if it had been the tomato press, well, I dunno…) 😉

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  10. Sounds like you had fun, Diane. I liked the way you nonchalantly slipped in, in true cook book style, ‘I poured the mousse into ramekins’ in the midst of all the chaos. It’s true. Out of chaos comes order! 😀

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  12. I do love chocolate and I do love moose so combining the two yummy yummy

    Glad you weren’t injured and didn’t waste any chocolate

    My week is mental two interviews down and one to go, the one to go is 30-45 mins if I pass the next step is a 2-3 hr online test its for a job working from home, I would have worn PJ’s but after the blog last week it will be jeans
    The other is for another help desk but initially for 6months

    Early start tomorrow

    So I’m gunna cool and maybe try something with chocolate you have inspired me Diane

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  13. Well thank God you didn’t try to lick the blades clean. I mean, how the hell would you have explained that in the ER. “Eh, weh, och, ichs ike iss”….(Eh, well Doc, it’s like this) and it’s embarrassing as all get out, and the staff have to leave the cubicle to laugh as you sit there with gauze on your tongue to staunch the bleeding before they can suture. It’s just a mess. Sigh. You and power implements, I swear.

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    • LOL! Despite my many embarrassing moments, I’ve never injured myself with any kind of power tool or kitchen tool (or tool of any sort – make of that what you will). I prefer to think of myself as basically smart but prone to lapses in judgement, particularly in the presence of beer or chocolate. Maybe if I valued my own dignity a little more highly… 😉

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