Size Does Matter

/ Diane Henders

Well, it had to happen. After a couple of months in which my daily life provided no trouser-snake humour whatsoever, the unnatural clean streak has finally broken. This week provided a veritable plethora of penises. A cornucopia of cocks. A deluge of dicks; a wealth of wangs; a surfeit of schlongs…

Oh, okay, fine; so it was actually only two minor references. But that’s more than enough to get me started.

First off, though, I’d like to note that it wasn’t my fault. For a change, my juvenile sense of humour was under control. But fate had other plans…

We were sitting in the bar on Friday night when I mentioned Iceland. It’s a place I’d like to visit, since I love wild and lonely landscapes and Iceland has that in spades: volcanoes and glaciers; fire and ice.

So I innocently brought it up, and one of my friends (who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) turned to me completely straight-faced and said, “Did you know Icelandic men have the largest penises in the world?”

Well, how does one respond to such a statement? With a hint of disapproval and a dignified change of topic, of course…

*insert uncontrollable laughter here*

Oh, hell, no. You know me better than that.

Snickering and raunchy remarks abounded, along with a pointed inquiry as to how she came by this gem of information. She swore it was a result of scholarly medical research, and that a world map actually exists showing each country colour-coded by average size.

I called bullshit.

I was wrong.

Here it is: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/-3naDJj52v8/maxresdefault.jpg. (There’s nothing risqué in this link, just a colour-coded map of the world… but if you’re someplace where people might sneak up behind you and read the giant heading “25 Countries With The Largest Average Penis Size”, you might want to wait a bit. And for those of you who are looking at the legend and going, “What the…? Yikes!”, the measurements are in centimetres, not inches.)

Just in case you don’t dare look at it, I’ll satisfy your curiosity: Icelanders are actually second-largest with an average of 16 to 17 centimetres (6.3 to 6.7 inches). Columbia, Venezuela, and the Congo are the ‘big’ winners at 17+. (Also; Canadians, while not as well-endowed as the Icelanders, nevertheless average a centimetre or two larger than the States. Just sayin’. )

Anyway, the whole ‘measurement’ thing segues nicely into another exchange that made me giggle last week:

Hubby was getting ready to trim my hair. (Yes, I trust him with scissors.) I had asked him to cut about an inch and a half off the ends, and he inquired, “Is that a male inch-and-a-half or a female inch-and-a-half?”

Which, of course, was a reference to this old chestnut:

Q: Why are women so bad at judging distance?

A: Because men keep telling them that three inches is actually six.

How did things measure up in your world this week?

* * *

Book 11 draft is finished and the beta readers are hard at work – woohoo!  Tentative title is “THE SPIES THAT BIND”, and it looks as though the release date will be sometime during the week of March 21st.  I’ll post the cover and blurb next week, so stay tuned!

 

71 thoughts on “Size Does Matter”

  1. Pingback: Hmmm… | Author Diane Henders

  3. Did you ever wonder how certain things came to be? Take for example a map showing which countries men have the largest penis.( Or is it peni. OK what’s the plural of penis?) How would that appointed committee set up the testing procedure. How about the documentation and classification of the results? I would love to have been a fly on the wall as it was discussed around someone’s conference room table.

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    • Yep, I wondered about that, too. (Both the academic question and the grammatical one. I know the answer to the grammatical question: both ‘penises’ and ‘penii’ are considered acceptable.)

      But as far as the academic question goes… Not only do I wonder how the map came to be, but I also wonder about the measurement and verification procedure. If the measurements were self-reported, the map may actually be documenting which countries are the tellers of tallest tales (or tallest something, anyway). As to why the map came to be? Well, it was probably sponsored by the world leaders. Seems to me they spend a lot of their time whipping it out and comparing sizes. 😉

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  5. Finally got a minute to actually look at the map. Couple of comments. If one looks at the US portion of the map carefully, one will notice a very dark spot in the general vicinity of Washington DC. I’m not sure what that means, exactly, but I would suspect that it has less to do with penis size and more to do with the general population of really big pricks. So to speak.

    Also, I notice that Texas was just lumped in with the rest of the country. Had it been separate, I’m pretty sure the Texas average would have been much larger and the overall average for the rest of the country would have dropped a bit. Just sayin’… 🙂

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    • Ha! I like your ‘big pricks’ theory. If that’s the case, we should have a largish dark spot around Ottawa, too.

      And I’m sure you’re right about the Texas theory. Maybe there’s a map showing a breakdown by state, too, but I’ll let you research that – I’m afraid of what I might find. 😉

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    • I’m trying to figure out how it works via genetics. The US of A is a populous dominated by immigrants from Western Europe and the British Isles along with slaves brought from African countries and a substantial number of people from Mexico, and a smaller number from countries further south. We have all areas of the globe represented in addition to those who preceded all the immigration. All the immigrant groups that represent the largest percentage of the overall population of the US originate from countries with longer penises. Yet apparently upon arrival to the US there is significant shrinkage. I want to know how Canada, whose people are also largely immigrants of similar origins, has managed to avoid as much shrinkage. I would guess wildly (without an iota of data to back my guess up) that the US has a greater percentage of population of Africans, Mexicans, Central and South Americans than Canada has, which aught to have had a lengthening effect on our averages. Then also knowing that within a population average there are some who have porn hero sizes so this also means that there must be those on the other end of the bell curve. Since shrinkage is associated with cold and Canada’s average temps are colder than the US average temps, I ask again, how are your men avoiding shrinkage?

      Thanks Diane, for a new look at penis envy. Here I thought penis envy was all about women envying men’s convenient and quick comfort stops when traveling or hiking.

      …and they say romance is dead.

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      • LOL! If I were a guy, I’d spin some bullshit line about how Canadian men are so enormously well-hung that their measurements are after shrinkage, and you should see them when they take a vacation in the tropics.

        However, as the female of the species, I’d have to go with ‘the map was likely created by Canadian men who looked at the U.S. numbers and then added a couple of centimetres to their own just to be, erm… dicks’.

        Or who knows? Maybe dealing with U.S. Customs and Immigration is enough to make any dick shrivel.

        Somewhere in between lies the truth… 😉

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      • I had the same thoughts regarding the ancestry of US population, el Tea.

        The average height of both males and females has increased substantially in the last hundred years and more. In 1900 or so, a man of ‘average’ height was around five feet, six inches tall. A ‘tall’ man then was about five feet, ten inches. Standard height for guard rails and banisters and such was thirty-two inches.

        Then in the ’60s, I think it was, the standard height for guard rails was raised to thirty-six inches, because the lower height was unsafe due to the increase in average height of our citizens.

        If the average height increased, why would, er, other dimensions not increase proportionally?

        Now, OSHA sez guard rails must be forty-two inches tall and for the same reason. Either that, or the senior leadership of that organization in Washington DC have evolved into those big, er, fellows discussed previously who like to flex their, er, administrative muscle.

        Could go either way, I guess…

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  6. Off topic but yey book finished, but skulking march is eons away no fair.
    Loving the title

    It’s too cold right now to think about size hehe I only know I often feel sorry for guys my huge bear-paw hands make most things look small, I’m just saying

    I couldn’t be without my books DVDs and music, the collection of all them grows, I hate to think what will happen once the bookcase is completely filled double stacked I don’t have the space for another and moving just to have more space is so not an option

    Hugs to all
    Karen

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    • That’s the most fabulously tactful response I’ve ever heard: “No, dear, you’re fine. I just have very large hands…”

      And yes, the bookcase issue. When your kitchen table is a sheet of plywood sitting on columns of books, you’ve got a problem… 😉

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      • Ebooks are great but I must admit, I do love real books. I have a mix of the two, I’d love to have your books in paper, but I don’t think I can get them in the UK.
        I do love ebooks, they give you the opportunity to have squillions of books in your bag and weigh nothing so much better for my shoulder especially when at the most I carry loads of jewellery making stuff back and forth to work.

        Hehe I have an who still looked big even in my bear-paw hands, wistful smile I miss him, still its not like I’ll never ‘have’ him again I just have to wait sigh

        Xx

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        • Being patient sucks. 😉 And actually, all the Never Say Spy books are available in paperback from Amazon UK. Here’s a link to Book 1 in paperback: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0987818821/. Unfortunately, they’re also a lot more expensive than the e-books, but I set the price as low as possible. It’s hard to keep print-on-demand paperbacks in a reasonable price range, so it’s basically the printing cost plus about $1 per copy for me. 🙂

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          • Ooooo, I’d almost say you were evil hehe, I sooooooo wanna have the books, I just know my ocd would kick in and I’d have to have them in eBook form and paperback
            Diane what are you doing to me, you know I’m gunna look on Amazon as soon as I post this and then add them all to my wish list and then once pay day arrives in a couple of hours I will be ordering the first few.
            What can I say I’m a book junkie, well its better for you than hard drugs and safer too, but on occasions just as expensive.

            Coming soon to a newly cleared bookshelf near me Diane Henders the Never Say Spy series!
            Of course it means you will have to write more books so you don’t share the shelf with anyone hehe, only the best and my favourite author’s get a shelf to themselves (not that I’m trying to encourage you to write loads more books coz that’s not something Id ever do hehe only I know I have a few times)

            Right off to Amazon xxx

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          • I’ve over 200 books on my mobile, I had more but I deleted a lot. (I had read them first)

            I’m looking forward to curling up with a paperback by a certain fantastic writer, I think I’ll enjoy reading them in an actual book format. But I’ll still be reading them via eBook I’m deffo looking forward to book 11 next month

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  7. I think it’s a damn good thing I telecommute for my day job, and know what this gang can be like, or I’d have done a spit take drinking my coffee while reading this, followed by roaring laughter. And would have had some serious ‘splaining to do.

    GLB, we got a t-shirt for my nephew for Christmas this year, he’s majoring in Mathematics with a focus in Actuarial Science Specialization, it said “Nerd? I prefer ‘Intellectual Badass’ “. Somehow I’m thinking perhaps you might fit that description too….

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  8. Diane-
    I have a possible explanation of Canadian size being slightly larger than American… We DO have several Icelandic settlements to bring up the average. Like Markerville/Dickson Alberta and Gimli, Manitoba! Maybe Ayden could check out Markerville! I have noticed that lots of the Icelanders had big, healthy families and long marriages!
    – Maggie

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  9. Diane, have you noticed a random 75 on the map… over by the Canary Islands… and between the Philippines / Malaysia / Indonesia there’s an impressive 106 with an arrow pointing up, but nothing by the arrow pointing down. I can’t think what they are referring to… we seem a little lackluster here in the UK, but that may have altered when we became decimal. Before that we’d have probably been one of those unreported grey countries with our stiff upper lips and things back then…

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    • ‘Stiff upper lips and things’ – bahahaha!!! And hmm, those numbers and arrows on the map are interesting, but I’m not sure I dare speculate.

      I’ve never been to the UK, but if its climate is anything like Halifax, Nova Scotia, it’s a miracle all the men don’t have indoor plumbing. Even though the temperatures don’t get that low, I’ve never been so cold in my entire life as the year I lived on the east coast. That cold goes straight through the bones. (Oh, dear, that turned into an unfortunate double entendre, didn’t it?)

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  10. This may not be a completely fair comparison. It is cold in Iceland and that could skew the results. That being said, you should know that my grandfather was Icelandic. It’s one reason I always have this big smile!

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  11. Oh dear, where do I begin? I’m assuming that map reflects…er…the flaccid state? The boys in the US aren’t ruling the roost in this category. I wonder what The Donald would say about that. Probably call them all liars.

    So since we’re on this subject, you’ll be happy to know that while I was watching Lucifer last night, you came to mind. You see, a woman was reacting to his quite generous anatomy (well, he IS Satan, after all). And at that moment, you popped into my mind because I knew you’d find it funny. So I guess your job here is done? Hehe.

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  13. Funny you should mention that size matters. I mean specifically that, and that you mentioned it this week.

    Nothing has measured up for me this whole week. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Well, maybe if I converted it to millimeters…

    I teach an industrial math course, and my students are learning unit conversions by the factor-unit method. I’m teaching them how to do things like expressing the speed of sound in furlongs per fortnight.

    I can tell by the looks on their faces. Right now, they don’t think I’m measuring up either.

    The black belt for unit conversions is awarded when they can successfully convert the speed of light into Angstroms per millennium. Think about it. That’s a ghastly-huge number. But then again, size does matter. 🙂

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    • Furlongs per fortnight and Angstroms per millennium – doesn’t that qualify as cruel and unusual punishment? (I’m giggling, though – obviously I have a vicious sense of humour.)

      I’m permanently saddled with a bastardized system of measurement in my brain. I measure and understand temperature in Celsius – I know 72F is room temperature and 32F is freezing and -40F is the same as -40C, but I don’t have any concept of how cold -10F feels until I go out in it. I’m only capable of estimating distance in feet, inches, and miles; but I carry a permanent and instant metric conversion in my brain for all units under 8 feet because of all the time I spent with the construction industry. I can only estimate weight in pounds, but I’ve never been able to remember the speed of light in anything but metres per second… etc.

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  14. Well Diane how did things measure up for me this past week you ask, well it turns out size does matter. Especially when we’re talking about moving van. How much freight (household goods) you have. The more you have the more it weighs and therein lies the size matters issue. Should I take this or that and “Mom, you have way to many books!” Robi (my daughter) tells me. “They will jack up the cost of moving.” She says. “Well,” I respond, “my books are my friends and they are coming with me. It’s non-negotiable” “It’s going to cost more money,” Robi says. “Yep, I know, oh well.”
    So you see Diane, size does matter where ever you go.
    Cait Needham

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  16. Unless my geography knowledge has let me down (and that wouldn’t be surprising) I think you’ll find that Iceland is coming in at 16-17cm, not 15-16cm as stated in your text – I wouldn’t have mentioned it, only this is vital information to get right, women everywhere will no doubt be basing their travel plans around this information so you don’t want to steer them wrong.

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