A Mix Of New Feces

/ Diane Henders

When I read the headline “Liberal cabinet expected to be a mix of new feces”, it seemed like the perfect title for this post. I’ve had some oddball items burbling around in my mind for a while, so this is a perfect opportunity to mix them up and erm… eliminate them.

As you’ve undoubtedly guessed by now, I had misread another headline. The actual title was “Liberal cabinet expected to be a mix of new faces”. We just had an election here, so the article was about the shakeups in cabinet. But ‘new feces’ pretty much sums up how I feel about politicians and our party system in general. Same shit, different pile.  Or maybe it’s ‘different shit, same pile’, but you know what I mean.

However, since Miss Manners says discussions of politics and religion are to be avoided in polite company, that’s all the political crap I’ll mention here (because you know my blog is always suitable for polite company).

‘Moving’ right along…

Speaking of headlines, I saw an article a few days ago discussing the merger between Pfizer (makers of Viagra) and Allergan (makers of Botox). At first glance it seemed like a bit of a conflict, since Viagra gets things going while Botox makes them stop. But on second thought, it actually makes perfect sense: used properly, either of them will take the wrinkles out.

And speaking of the little soldier, my friend Chris sent me this link a while ago: http://www.fastcodesign.com/3050334/a-condom-package-that-youll-just-know-is-the-right-size-for-you along with the note, “Must be a blog in here somewhere”. And yes; yes there is!

I think the concept of ‘sizing by grip’ is brilliant in its simplicity, not to mention the exquisite tact of making the largest and smallest sizes the same colour so the checkout clerks might not notice at a glance if a guy’s buying the ‘teeny-weenie’ size. I hope Guan-Hao-Pan’s innovation catches on; if for no other reason than to finally put to rest the giggle-worthy discrepancies in public condom dispensers. Am I the only one who’s ever noticed that in men’s washrooms1, the condoms are all ‘Magnum’ or ‘Extra-Large’, but in women’s washrooms, they’re ‘Slim Fit’? Sorry, boys, we’re onto you. Stand closer; it’s shorter than you think.

Neatly combining the topics of unlikely mergers and amorous encounters, I recently discovered that Crimestoppers is taking advantage of the hottest literary trend by branching out into erotica. Don’t believe me? Check out the photo I snapped last week of a Crimestoppers poster in a grocery store in Portage La Prairie, Manitoba. (Note: This is pretty kinky stuff, so read with caution.)

Dear Crimestoppers: Please proofread your posters more carefully.

There’s a whole new career awaiting the person who penned that little gem. Literally, a whole new career. Because after a few more slip-ups like that, their current career will be down the toilet.

And that’s all the poop for this week.

* * *

1Yes, I’ve spent quite a bit of time in men’s washrooms, but it’s not what you think. Explanation here.

P.S. Another cover update finished! Here’s the new look for Book 5: How Spy I Am:

AK-5 cover final 2015

36 thoughts on “A Mix Of New Feces”

  1. Pingback: Disgusting Butt Mounds | Diane Henders

  2. I just had a good post and then had to re sign in to wordpress, lost my password, had to generate a new one (I wrote it down this time) and now I’m back. LOL And so goes the week I guess. Old saying is that how Monday goes, so goes the week.
    Love the posts, missed the last couple but have caught up on the laughs so I feel better. Hubby has been down again and I had a problem with a Thyroid med that caused me some troubles. All good now tho.
    Love the progress on the new book and the model is great. You should keep her for sure.
    I may have to start taking pictures of the misspelled signs around here. It’s enough to make you question yourself sometimes as it happens so darn often. Church signs are the weirdest ones tho. Not sure just what messages they try to send. Most recent, “Find Your Way in Here or Slide Quickly Down There!” The word ‘There’ was in bold red letters. I gave it a fist pump and said “Way to go with your charitable selves”. Sheesh.
    Got to tend to the 4 legged furries around here. (my two semi-feral cats)

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    • Grrr to WordPress – seems like it always wants to have an error when you’ve typed a long comment, but never when you have little to lose…

      I’m sorry to hear you and your hubby have been under the weather again, but glad everything seems to be straightened out now. And so far my model has been cooperative, but if she starts making unreasonable demands we may have to have a talk. 😉

      Not sure I’d want to belong to that church… but I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t want me anyway. Give your fur-persons an extra treat from me!

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  3. Little boy goes into the “Apteka” in Kyiv and asks for some condoms. “What size do you want and it should be your father buying them, not you!” “They are not for my father. They are for my mother and she doesn’t know what size she wants because she is going to the spa for three weeks”

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    • Back in the Cold War, I heard this one. We were selling wheat and many other things to the Soviet Union by the ship load. Word came that they were out of condoms and wanted to buy a ship load of those from us, too.

      Somebody in the State Department with a sense of humor and a clue (you know it’s a joke now, right?) said, “Make some up special for them. I want them to be four feet long and eight inches in diameter. Mark them medium.”

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  5. You are too funny! I am pretty well traveled but I have not traveled to the men’s washroom for condom inspection. Looks like the marketers are brilliant!
    Great book cover! You go girl! I just love that I know a successful author.

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    • Thanks, Sue! I think it’s pretty cool for me to know a successful travel blogger like you, too! Hey, maybe you and Dave could do a ‘washrooms of the world’ post – I’m sure you’ve seen the best and worst. (Or maybe not; your blog is considerably more tasteful than mine.)

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      • Oh it has long been on my list Diane! I just so wish I would have been thinking of it long before I started the blog. There have been some interesting finds along the way however not all of them photographed. 🙂

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  6. Is it safe to mix new feces and old feces in the same pile? I suspect it still stinks either way.
    They are missing one size that I am aware of. That’s ginormous. Not very common, but you’ll know it when you see it. It’s enough to excite a whole store.

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  7. I think the word ‘feces’ fits in with some politicians all too well, so it’s understandable why your eyes went there. As for the condom link, as soon as I clicked on it, I regretted it. Guess what ads will show up in my Facebook sidebar now? Super duper.

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  8. We’re trudging through those bloody awful debates that the so-called presidential so-called candidates are having. You nailed it. Lots of new faces, but still the same old feces. Some things never change. 😦

    Great cover art, kiddo. That anonymous redhead model you found is totally hot. Be sure and tell her I said so, okay?

    Back in the Army days, a kid I was stationed with finally scored one Saturday night. Some of the other guys razzed him about it, and one of them went on an on about the kid catching some horrible social disease and scared the kid half to death. The guy doing the teasing offered the kid a pill that was originally for treating a kidney infection, I think. Anyway, the pill caused one’s urine to turn a bright orange. The guy told the kid to take the pill before he went to bed at night, and if he had whatever dread disease the guy was warning him about, his urine would be bright orange in the morning. The kid did so, woke up in the morning and went to the restroom. His screams woke the whole barracks.

    “I GOT IT!! OH, NO!! I GOT IT!! I GOT IT!!”

    The kid almost went crazy. It took forever to get him calmed down again. The sergeants all heard the commotion and came running in to investigate. The situation sort of went south from there. The citizens of the U.S.A. all slept better at night knowing that devoted and highly skilled soldiers such as these were protecting their security, I’m sure. Me? I still have nightmares. 🙂

    I thee the progreth bar keepth on working itth way to the right thide of the chart. Phabulariouth, thithter! I’m exthited. Probably even more than the building wath. Jutht thayin…

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    • Aw, thanks (from the anonymous model)! She’s blushing. 😉

      That was an absolutely rotten practical joke – probably took ten years off the poor kid’s life from sheer terror, and ten years off everybody else’s life from laughing hard enough to rupture themselves. Just like our Canadian Forces, though, when the practical jokes are over and the shit hits the fan, they’re the ones out there protecting my lily-white ass, and I appreciate it.

      And yeth, progreth ith being made! But I’m not thure you’d want to be ath exthited ath the building – after all, two thuthpecth at your rear entranth? Yiketh.

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  9. A recent newspaper billboard announced, ‘Schoolchildren demand condoms’. Just-turned seven granddaughter is reading far too well, and enquired, ‘What’s a condom?’ A question one doesn’t need when concentrating on driving and trying to miss hitting a succession of insane minibus taxi drivers.
    I wonder how many people actually noticed the mention of the store being excited?

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    • Oh dear. That may have been one of those ‘Ask your mother’ moments. Did you tackle the question head-on, or cleverly evade it?

      And I’d like to think that everybody was secretly snickering just as I was, but the sad truth is that likely nobody noticed.

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  10. Ha what fun! My son (13) recently misread a sign at the supermarket, it was under a particular range of products and he thought it said “All products in this range are made by white people” Oops! I can’t actually remember now what it did actually, but certainly nothing so terrible! I’ll ask him later and see if he remembers. Also, not a misreading, but a mistype, a fellow blogger who I am so facebook friends with recently celebrated a birthday, and one of her friends posted a facebook message to her saying “I hope you’re having a great day and that everyone is soiling you!” I did laugh, and had to point out their error 🙂

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