Attack Of The Killer T… Oh, Wait; That’s Been Done.

/ Diane Henders

They’re coming. They slowly fill our house like an inexorable tide, backing us into the corners while we battle them with knives and saucepans…

green tomatoes

Okay; so they’re not exactly ‘killer’ tomatoes.

We’re about to get our first hard frost so we brought in most of the garden produce this past weekend. (The snow in August was just a warning. This time they’re serious: Predicting -4C. Brrr.)

We measure the production of our garden in gallons because we transport it all home in 5-gallon pails. Our weekend haul was 10 gallons of green tomatoes (fortunately they ripen easily indoors), 15 gallons of carrots, and 60 gallons of potatoes.  We could probably feed a small town.

But we can’t help ourselves. Every year I say to Hubby, “You know, we’re planting an awful lot of potatoes.”

And he says, “Uh-huh”, and keeps on planting.

I don’t really try to stop him. For a foodie like me, a plethora of potatoes is pretty close to heaven. When we dig them in the fall, Hubby maintains a stoic silence while I exclaim: “Oh, wow, look at this one! Now that’s a potato! Look at the size of this one! Oh, look, look, there are tons of them under here! Woohoo!” On and on I go with boundless enthusiasm until we’ve extracted the last tuber. You’d think I’d never seen a potato before.

It’s the same with the zucchini and tomatoes and beans and everything else throughout the summer. Chortling over the plenitude of produce, I drag Hubby hither and yon in the garden babbling, “Look at this one! And this one! Look how big/shiny/beautiful/(fill in superlative here) this one is!”

It’s not until I’m into the umpteenth hour of standing in the kitchen chopping and blanching and canning that the thrill begins to fade.

Yes, that is a 10-gallon pot full of carrots.

Yes, that is a 10-gallon pot full of carrots.

That’s when I begin to remind myself that there are three supermarkets within a mile of my house. I could just trot over and buy whatever I wanted throughout the winter instead of going to all this trouble. And if I wanted to ogle large quantities of vegetables I could go and stand in the produce department.

But it’s not the same. They’re not my vegetables. Supermarket potatoes are generic. Ours are Norlands and Vikings and Purple Caribes and French Fingerlings and Yukon Gems. We line them up and do taste tests and debate production levels with the seriousness of a UN conference. (Potato taste-test winners thus far are the French Fingerlings and Norlands, but more testing is required.)

And despite my aching back, I know that in a few months I’ll eagerly yield to the seduction of the hortiporn once again.

Hey, if it made sense it wouldn’t be a hobby, right?

* * *

P.S. Just because I know you’ve come to expect dirty jokes on my blog, here you go:

Q: Why do gardeners make excellent gossip columnists?

A: Because they’re always digging up dirt.

And:

Q: Why did the gardeners get kicked out of the church picnic?

A: Because they were telling dirty stories.

And finally:

Did you hear about the 1-900 line for gardeners? When you call in, a happy hoer will talk dirty for you.

I could go on, but I wouldn’t want WordPress to censor me again for all these dirty jokes…

49 thoughts on “Attack Of The Killer T… Oh, Wait; That’s Been Done.”

  3. I thought you had nice tomatoes, but those are amazing! During zucchini season we keep our car doors locked in case anyone tries to slip in a few extra in the back seat. It grows in abundance around here and no one knows what to do with a lifetime supply every year.

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    • My tomatoes thank you. 😉 And I got just enough zucchini this year – enough to fill my dehydrator twice, eat some fresh, freeze a couple of bags, and still leave my friends grateful for the one or two I sent their way. (Unclear whether they were grateful to get a couple of zukes, or merely grateful not to get saddled with any more.)

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  4. I am in awe of your green thumb. Also, green with envy at your veggie haul. And green is not a good look for me.

    P.S. I hate Brock. As of now, anyway. Then again, I used to hate Stemp, and now I kind of love him. Huh. Writers. So manipulative! *grin*

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  5. Whoohoo, that’s some serious tomatoes there! It’s an appetizer eatin’ heaven to Southerners. Fried green tomatoes are good. I wish I could fix them but I just can’t make them work. Tomato sandwiches are great. Sliced thick, bread toasted and lots of mayo. Coarse black pepper and it’s hoggy heaven. LOL Your carrots are beautiful too. Love fresh garden carrots. We don’t garden that much anymore due to bones and joints that won’t cooperate. However, we do some container growing on the deck with peppers. Jalapeno, red and green bells, cayennes, habanero’s. I use a nice glass bottle to stuff a lot of them into and cover with vinegar for my hot pepper sauce. Add a couple cloves of garlic too. Perfect for cabbage and beans.
    We just had a run of some beautiful Fall weather. Mid to low 70’s daytime, upper 60’s at night. Today, and for the next several we are supposed to be back in the 90’s. I am familiar with the “Blue Norther” that glbryant spoke of. It’s awesome to see, and once you experience one you know that it’s best to be prepared the next time! I love trees and water. Have to have them close by. When the storms brew off the coast here in the Gulf area you can definitely tell by just listening to the trees. When the storms come through, the trees perform, what I like to call, their “war dance”. It’s beautiful to see the limbs and boughs bend and swirl, tip and twist. Scary too, but still beautiful.
    I’m always checking progress too on the new one. LOL
    Gads! I am such an addict.

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    • Mmm, your hot pepper sauce sounds delicious! And I’ve never had fried green tomatoes – they aren’t a ‘thing’ up here, so I wouldn’t know where to start. I should check the internet and see if I can find a recipe.

      I love your imagery of the trees doing a ‘war dance’! I’m going to hold onto that thought the next time a wind sweeps through. I really prefer to watch them from outside their range if they happen to fall, though – we were surrounded on the weekend and all we could do was hope we didn’t get unlucky.

      P.S. I’m proud to be your literary addiction enabler! 😉

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      • From what I’ve experienced with the fried green tomatoes is that they are simple to make. Different ways, mostly sliced medium, lightly dipped in flour, shake off the excess. Dip in egg wash and then seasoned flour one last time. Fried till golden. Sounds simple. Mine turned out horrible. I leave it others now and I’ll gladly accept as a treat! I’ll bet you’d be a natural at fixing them.
        I love garden carrots. Sweet, crunchy. mmmmm I had a 2 row carrot garden when I was 7. Planted them along one side of the garage in the back yard. Babied them, tended them almost religiously. Some men came by one day and delivered some lumber for my dad and un-loaded it right on top of my carrots! All the little tops were just beginning to show nicely and then, WHAM, my babies were forever buried in that back yard. I cried for a week. LOL Never tried to grow carrots again. Looking at your beautiful carrots I may try once more.

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  7. I envy you growing your own veg, I’m not green fingered at all. I manage to pretty much kill any plant given to me, or even flowers, they bloom then die. Good job I like artificial flowers.

    Hope hour back isnt too bad after picking all the veg, a nice relaxing bath would do you good

    hugs to all
    Karen

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  8. Hmm, I’m suddenly in the mood for potatoes tonight. Maybe I’ll pair them with meatloaf. My husband will be thrilled with the good-old Midwestern meal, and I can tell him I have you to thank. Now, would you mind sending me a few of those carrots…

    Pretty cool you grow your own stuff. At least you know it’s not coated in a bunch of chemicals.

    Love the jokes. 🙂

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    • Meatloaf! Yum! Carrots are in the mail… (sorry, not).

      And yes, quite apart from the sheer enjoyment of watching them grow, I like knowing it’s safe to just rinse the dirt off the veggies and chow down. I know our food supply is supposed to be ‘safe’, but when I read about all the snafus in other regulatory departments I don’t really trust their assurances that much.

      Glad you got a chuckle – you can always count on a gardener for corny jokes. 😉

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  9. P.S. You can always make green-tomato salsa. Killer stuff, that. Goes nicely with steaks and chops. Just sayin’… 🙂

    And look at the plotting time line zip on across the page! You THO rock, thithter! Thimply phabulouth!

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      • My last attempt at gardening years ago was pretty simple; a salsa garden. Tomatoes, onions, jalapenos, and a few springs of cilantro. Got a few batches of killer salsa out of the back yard, but record-breaking heat that summer pretty much limited the output…and my willingness to provide any input except to step outside just long enough to turn the sprinkler on for a while every day. And we lived a couple of hours north of here then. Now? No way. Too bloody hot. And as you say, we have three nice supermarkets less than five minutes away from home. Air conditioned supermarkets. Yeah, yeah, I know. Wuss. 🙂

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        • Nope, I totally agree. I spent quite a few weekends this summer working out in the blazing sun in my garden, and a few hours in 85 degree temperatures were enough to wilt even my gardening enthusiasm. ‘Course it doesn’t help that as a fish-belly-white redhead I have to keep every square inch of skin covered. Holy sweatbuckets! If it had gotten any hotter, I would’ve left the garden to fend for itself.

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          • Add twenty to your eighty-five and you’ll be close. We hit 111 one day and 112 the next that summer. A little town about 30 miles west hit 113 both days. 105 or higher for the two weeks prior and again for the next two weeks. Something like forty consecutive days over a hunnerd. If I hadn’t already planted the stuff and invested all that time early in (comparatively) cool weather, I would’ve hired the yard work done for a couple of months and stayed in the house. 🙂

            Sold the mower and all that sort of thing when we downsized after the kids left home. Haven’t touched one in years. Don’t intend to, either.

            “I have people who do that for me now.” Gad, I love that line! 🙂

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            • Best line ever! And I think I’d just combust and turn into ash like a vampire in that kind of sun and heat.

              BTW, regarding your comment below about the grizzly bears: We thought they were bad out in the woods by our garden. Today we’ve got grizzly bear warnings right here in the city of Calgary. Apparently there are two separate ones rambling around, and fairly close to our area, too. Problem is, it’s illegal to carry bear spray inside city limits, and I’m pretty sure the locals would fail to see the humour if I went for a walk carrying my shotgun. Ah, the inconveniences of city living… *sigh*

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              • Grizzly bears in Calgary? GRIZZLY bears??

                Oh, no problem. Forget the bear spray and shotguns. Go for your walk and enjoy it completely. But in your purse, carry a giant economy size can of cheapo hair spray and a windproof Zippo lighter. Instant flame thrower!

                Various groups of spud-gun/potato-cannon aficionados have run documented tests on the flammability of many different brands of hair spray, and Aquanet keeps coming out on top. So a big-box store can of Aquanet and a fully-fueled Zippo with a new flint, and you’re all set.

                Neither object will raise the slightest inquiry even under police scrutiny…until you leave a scorched bear in your wake.

                On second thought, better wear your running shoes instead of your walking shoes. To get away from the cops, not the bears. 🙂

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                  • Point taken. After all, we are talking grizzly bears here. Gad, what a thing to have to put up with.

                    Dad: Honey, what’s the weather forecast for today?
                    Mom: Cloudy, with an 80% chance of grizzly bears, dear.
                    Dad: Okay, well, remind the kids to take their umbrellas and Magnums to school today.
                    Mom: Of course, sweetheart, and I put your shotgun with the slug barrel next to your briefcase by the door.
                    Dad: Thanks, baby. I’ll pick up another couple of cases of ammo on the way home. Have fun at the PTA meeting!
                    Mom: Oh, I forgot to tell you, dear. That was called off due to brown bears and mountain lions. It’s been rescheduled for next week, so I’m free for lunch today if you have time.
                    Dad: Gee, that’s swell! No, wait. The boss wanted to get together for lunch today with Smithers and me so we could talk about the new titanium anti-bear bars for the mall project. If we can get a sitter, how about dinner and a movie tonight, instead?
                    Mom: Ooh, love to! I’ll talk to Sherrie’s mom at the hairdresser’s today and see if she can watch the kids! Oh, no. That won’t work. The forecast for tonight is for snow and polar bears. How about lunch tomorrow, sweetheart?
                    Dad: Sure, that might work. Canadian Tire is having a special on Aquanet and Zippos.
                    Mom: Perfect! We’re all almost out of both! This has been a busy summer! I think everyone is ready for hibernation!

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                    • Bahahaha!! Just had to flash that fiction, didn’t you? And I wish it was fiction, but it ain’t. The grizzly bears are new this year, but we’ve had black bears, cougars, coyotes, bobcats, deer, moose, and elk roaming through here. No polar bears yet. Maybe next year.

                      Years ago I was standing at the bus stop half asleep in the morning when a moose came out of the park across the street. I thought I was dreaming until he started galloping down the street. Guess he’d missed his bus.

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  10. I think we had this conversation last year about the difficulties of vegetable gardening at a location that’s infested with grizzly bears and only twenty-five feet south of the Arctic Circle…but boy, those are some nice taters y’all got there!

    Twenty-five deg.F tonight? Holey cows, some of that would be nice down here for a change. We just got out of the hundreds during the day! Low nineties feel pretty good by comparison, and the nights cool off to a frigid 70 or so. Some locales are seeing mid-to-high sixties at night. We’ve got a long way to go before we experience FAH-REEZING temps!

    But those are some nice taters y’all got there! 🙂

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    • LOL! They are mighty nice taters, if I do say so myself. 😉

      I don’t envy your 100 degrees! And the weather is so volatile here that we’ll still probably have some nice warm days before winter sets in for good. It was actually 28C (82F) on Saturday when we were digging the taters, but then a cold front blew in. It’s mostly spruce forest around where we have our garden, and we were sitting outside when we heard a distant roaring and groaning – the sound of a great wind approaching through the forest. About a minute and a half later the wind hit us and the temperature dropped like a stone. I was glad I’d seen it in the weather forecast because even though I knew it was just a front my tornado instincts were twitching at that sound!

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      • Sounds like something we have occasionally in the late fall. We call it a “Blue Norther.” Shirtsleeve weather, generally, but one can see a deep blue band on the northern horizon under a clear sky. A cold front–a serious one–is on the way, and the air is so cold and dense that that the deep blue color of the upper atmosphere is refracted through it. That’s one explanation for the color. The other usual explanation for it comes from the old timers who say it’s the color you’ll turn if you’re caught out in it. Both probably are correct.

        The wind hits suddenly, and the temperature can drop as much as forty of fifty degrees F. in half an hour or less. Y’all hear them coming through the trees. We see them coming from a long distance away because we have no trees. 🙂

        I like your way better, I think. 🙂

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