Nostril-damus Speaks

/ Diane Henders

I had a great idea for today’s blog post, but by the time I got up from the breakfast table I’d forgotten it. Seriously. One minute I was thinking, “Oh, that’ll make a good blog post”, and the next minute…

*blank*

I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I know my memory is shitty, but this was ‘way over the top.

I spent the next twenty minutes racking my brain for the wisp of genius (after I forget an idea, it always seems like the most brilliant thought ever conceived). Finally I recalled it, but I couldn’t figure out what was so great about it.

So, in the absence of genius (which, to be realistic, was unlikely in the first place) I’ll fall back on my usual weirdness.  Today’s topic is nostril hair.

The thought came to me a while ago, when I was talking to a woman whose nostrils were, erm… a significant facial feature. Huge and completely round in a slightly upturned nose, they looked like twin mineshafts in white limestone.

But it wasn’t their size and placement that caught my attention. No; it was the fact that they were smooth dark abysses, completely hairless inside as far as the eye could see (and I was at an unfortunate angle that allowed me a full view).

It took all my willpower to focus on her eyes. My gaze kept getting dragged down to the Nostrils of Doom. And while my mouth made idle chitchat, my brain was boggling. How did she get rid of every single hair? Most people have at least a few hairs ‘way up there to act as a pre-filter for bugs and dust.

Nostril hair is the final privacy frontier. Nobody ever talks about it. Even TV commercials and spam emails don’t go there. They’ll offer me ‘discreet bladder protection’ and a half-dozen ways to remove ‘unwanted body hair’; each more barbaric than the last. They’ll go on about ‘feminine hygiene products’ that are inexplicably linked to white frilly dresses and white horses in fields of white daisies, or at the very least, white pants and a lot of jumping around. Or worse, they offer me ‘feminine freshness’ (with more daisies). Ew.

For the guys, it’s razors that look like race cars, with some dude caressing his smooth manly jaw and smirking at the camera. Or it’s Viagra and Cialis ads (which would be considerably more entertaining if they featured a dude smirking and caressing a manly body part, but I haven’t seen an ad like that yet).

One way or another, it seems the entire advertising world wants to get all up in our bizniss and attack our body hair. But despite the fact that no topic seems off-limits… have you ever seen an ad for a nose hair trimmer?

I haven’t.

That’s when the questions began in my brain: Is nostril hair so shameful that even TV ads won’t tackle it? Do people secretly buy nose-hair trimmers in plain brown wrappers? Is laser nostril-hair removal a ‘thing’?

And most importantly: Without the constant badgering of advertisers, how do we even know we should be depilating our nostrils?

I dunno. It seems to me that this is a major untapped market in personal grooming. I foresee a whole batch of cringe-inducing ads as soon as the industry realizes its omission.

Alert the media, but remember: Nostril-damus predicted it first, right here.

* * *

My readers have spoken!  The survey from two weeks ago showed that 48% had no preference for which day of the week Spy Away Home should be released, and 33% preferred Friday.  So we’ll probably have a Friday release day… I just don’t know which Friday yet.  🙂 When I get the last of my beta reader feedback and I know how much work is left for me to do, I’ll choose a release date and set up the pre-orders.  Fingers crossed that the feedback is good…

37 thoughts on “Nostril-damus Speaks”

  1. Pingback: It’s A Fine Line… | Diane Henders

  2. I hadn’t really thought about how old I was getting until I read about the catalogs with the “old people stuff” that el Tea was talking about! I get those, I thought everyone got them. LOL
    Never had nose hair problems tho’, only an old uncle of mine did. I didn’t really know him, only saw him once or twice when I was a pre-teen. He was ancient then and definitely had a nose and ear hair problem. He had large ears too. (Sorry uncle Charley, I didn’t know you and it scared the be-jeezus outta me). I’ve seen the little gizmo’s that say it will trim the nose/ear hair but it always creeped me out. Just the thought of putting something in an orifice and turning it on seems rather risky. Uhhh………..well, somehow that seems to leave a lot to be determined, I think.

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    • LOL! Yes. Yes, it does… 😉 I read somewhere that the ears and nose are the only parts of our bodies that continue to grow throughout our lifetime, so I guess that explains why old men often seem to have such big ears. And one of my uncles (may he rest in peace) had a gigantic nose that looked like a potato in the middle of his face.

      Y’know what’s really funny? I had completely forgotten about him until you mentioned your uncle Charley just now… but I created a character in Book 10 with a nose like a potato. Strange how the subconscious mind works…

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  3. Thanks for reminding me. I just used my electric trimmer on my nose hair. glbryant is right. With us old men, the hair that used to be on our head now grows out our nose and ears. Can’t recall if it was Dave Barry or Jeff Foxworthy who said if an old man pulls on a nose hair he can watch his hairline recede.

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  4. As I read this Diane I had a moment of, ‘I hope this wasn’t my nostrils of doom’ you were meaning. 🙂 Perhaps you could offer to advertise nose hair removal systems along with your new book? Just a thought.

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    • LOL! Nope, I promise it wasn’t you! It was just a random encounter, and I really didn’t mean to make fun of the poor lady in question. It’s just that I was at such a bad angle and that’s all I could think of the whole time I was talking to her. I’m so tall that I’m almost never at the correct angle to look directly up people’s nostrils, so it was a whole new experience for me. I guess it would just be business as usual for short people.

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  5. I had a couple of really good, really vivid dreams last night that I wanted to make into a blog post or two, Diane. So vivid, I felt really good afterwards, and was sure I’d be able to remember them when I come to write my post(s) this evening. One has gone completely, and the other one is hanging on in there by a thread… which brings me onto your second point, nasal hair. You know I have a slight allergy to some of my own facial hair, right? Well that includes nasal hair also. My nose is constantly irritated by it, hay fever or colds… it’s dire, I tell you. Anyway, I SAW an advert for a nasal hair trimmer once (Babyliss do them, I believe… other nasal hair gadget manufacturers are also available) and thought that there was no way on this Earth I would stick one of those things up my nose. One day, though (and I dread it), the day will come. Nostril Damus doth speaketh the trutheth.

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    • Sad, but true! I broke down and bought one. The embarrassment of buying and using it was cancelled out by the intense irritation of prickly nose hairs, and/or the pain and involuntary tears of plucking. Alas, the slings and arrows of advancing age… but I can’t imagine actually being allergic to my own nose hair. That makes my eyes water in sympathy!

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        • True, true…

          Reminds me of the joke about the nuns renovating a room in the convent on a hot summer day. All the work was done except painting and window coverings, and the two nuns assigned to paint the room decided that since it was so warm they’d kill two birds with one stone. By removing their habits, they’d keep them free of paint drips and also be a little cooler.

          They were just finishing the job when there was a knock at the door. “Who is it?” one nun called, ready to dive into her habit in an instant if necessary.

          “Blind man.”

          The two skivvy-clad nuns exchanged a glance and relaxed, and one went over and opened the door.

          The guy in the hallway stood with his jaw dangling for a moment, then said, “Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?”

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  7. I beg to differ about the lack of advertising for nostril hair removal devices. I’m “blessed” at least annually with junk mail catalogs that are clearly aimed at a consumer far, far older than I could ever become. On offer are “smocks” that are roomy and snap down the front, Legged panties with coverage just short of the knees, pajamas for him, mu-mus for her, clever decor for the powder room that will disguise the spare roll of toilet paper on top of the tank, a tweezer with its own light source, all manner of support garments for both genders, magnifying mirrors with a neck hook, devices that will magnify either a line or two of type, or a whole page at a time, extra long shoe horns, creams to take away age spots on your hands, back scratchers, a huge assortment of toiletries and fragrances no longer available at the local pharmacy, equally unavailable snacks and candies, and a small bullet-shaped metal cylinder about the size of a Chapstick to be used to remove unwanted hair from nostrils and ear canals by means not mentioned, nor visibly apparent. It is true that none of the many items in these catalogs are ever advertised in magazines, or on TV, or any other media outlets, but it would cheapen the thrill of the realization where the odd items your long-deceased grandparents owned might have come from.

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    • Bahahaha!! Clearly I’m not on the correct mailing lists! That’s probably a good thing – I’m not sure if I could resist the temptation to buy a giant pair of bloomers and fly them as a flag in our conservative neighbourhood.

      But I do actually own a nose-hair trimmer, since, unlike @jono, I don’t have a moustache to conceal the occasional stragglers. (I sneaked it up to the check-out counter at the store, just in case it was actually shameful and nobody told me. Sometimes it’s tough to be socially unaware.) The funny thing is, I can’t remember how I ever discovered there was such a thing… 😉

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  9. If I had a few months out of the public eye I was curious if I could grow my nose hairs out long enough to either blend in with my mustache or actually BE my mustache. I wonder if anyone would notice?

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    • Oooh, oooh, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter! I can answer that! Having been close to guys with major facial fungus for over 30 years, I can tell you the sad truth is: Nope, nobody would notice. Unless your moustache is of the pencil-thin variety that doesn’t go all the way up to your nose, but you could still claim it was a merely a creative variation on the classic Boston Blackie kind:

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  10. No comment on the nostril hair (because, really, what else is there to say?), but I will note that I’ve always been amused by the use of daisies in feminine hygiene ads, considering all the daisies I’ve ever sniffed smelled like sweaty gym socks. Roses they ain’t. 😉

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    • Bahahahaha!!! And eeeeuw!! Now I’ll never be able to watch another one of those ads without hearing in the back of my mind, “And, as an extra bonus, your crotch will smell like sweaty gym socks!”

      You’ve spoiled me forever. (Thanks for that – still laughing!)

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  11. A barber told me years ago that with old men, the hair on the head does not go away. It just goes underground and squirts out the ears and nose and eyebrows. He may be onto something.

    About the rest of the content of this blog post, I have no comment. I did have a bunch of witty stuff to add about all of it, but I blinked and promptly forgot it all. Blinking apparently has become a major distraction of late. Who knew?

    Anxiously awaiting Spy Away Home. Still. (foot tapping…) No pressure, though. 🙂

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  12. I often marvel at how eyebrow hair and nose hair growth remains stagnant for years, and then along comes the fifth decade and they take off like wild weeds. Especially for men. I’m not sure I have a medical explanation for this. But it seems to me we should not require more detailed grooming at the same time our vision starts to fail.

    Interesting take on men’s erectile dysfunction ads, by the way. That might need to be reserved for the ‘adult’ channels…

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    • LOL! You’re right; I can’t decide if it’s a blessing or a curse that I now can’t see my nose hairs and chin hairs and wrinkles without glasses. I figure it’s all good as long as I never put on glasses or notice the horrified looks of those with better vision. Yes, my own little world is a happy place to be… 🙂

      And yeah, I don’t expect to see those ED ads anytime soon. but I think they’re missing a great comedic opportunity. Even if they don’t show the manly body part in question, the self-satisfied smirk says it all.

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