It’s A Conspiracy!

/ Diane Henders

I’ve long suspected that my body has it in for me. I’ve mentioned a few of its subversive attacks in previous posts:

But there’s more.

Confronted with any occasion where photos are likely to be taken, my skin goes haywire. Like the last time I went for a photo shoot:

A few days before the big day I was washing my face before bed. Uh-oh. Sore spot on my chin. Yep, you guessed it. An incipient zit.

I ignored it, hoping it would go away. Wrong thing to do. Obviously feeling slighted and seeking attention in the way of misunderstood teenagers everywhere, it invited all its friends and threw a party.

Fortunately, zits don’t have many friends because they’re… well, zits. So the party stopped at three, but still. My skin had been fine for the past few months. Why now?

In fact, why ever? It should be illegal for zits and wrinkles to coexist on the same face. When I was teenager, all the experts agreed that acne goes away when you’re an adult. Well, they lied, and I want to know which way to the Complaints Department.

But maybe the underlying problem is that I’ve never actually grown up…

Anyway, I had hoped that would be the extent of my body’s betrayals. But no; this week my brain has gotten into the act, too.

Maybe it’s because of the antihistamine I took, or maybe it’s just my usual post-book recovery phase (Book 10 is with the beta readers now), but the end result is the same: My brain has buggered off to La-La Land without leaving a forwarding address.

Usually I don’t have any difficulty writing blog posts, but today finding words to string together feels like groping for a live goldfish in a vat of molasses.

(And now I’m wondering where the hell that thought came from. Why would there be a goldfish in a vat of molasses? Wouldn’t a goldfish die in molasses? So it would have to be some kind of sugar-fuelled mutant super-carp… Argh. Never mind.)

I knew I was in trouble when I looked in the mirror and there was a sign on my forehead that said ‘This space for rent’. Anybody who’s been planning to alter my behaviour with subliminal suggestions should seize the opportunity, ‘cause there are no other thoughts rattling around in my skull to interfere with the programming.

I’m not sure what all these mutinous body parts are hoping to accomplish. Do they want shorter hours? Better working conditions?

Maybe more beer would pacify them. I hope so, because without a brain to guide the action, that’s about all they’re gonna get.

Come back, Brain! I miss you!  Whatever your demands are, just let me know and I’ll do my best to comply.

‘Cause the sound of wind whistling through the vacant space between my ears is really starting to get on my nerves…

33 thoughts on “It’s A Conspiracy!”

  1. Pingback: Ears Like A Fruit Bat | Diane Henders

  2. Seriously – I think your brain is telling you its rest time girl, its summer enjoy! Hmmmm the multi tasking has finally caught up with you…..coming out in your skin too, possibly those wonderful french fries you love so much! Sounds like you need a spa visit, don’t wretch and gag, some down time in your garden communing with your plants then :-). Book 10 is almost ready, thank you, time to charge Kindle.

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    • Thanks, Lesley! Actually I had a wonderful day in my garden yesterday – got out there early in the morning and got my hoeing done before the sun got hot, then sat in the shade for a while just admiring my veggies. (That sounds like a foul euphemism, but you know what I mean.)

      And as soon as I hear back from my last beta reader, I’ll be able to set a release date. Hoping the revisions aren’t too major… *fingers crossed*

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  4. I realized a while back that I was pretty lucky as a teenager. (a whole lot lucky in the teenagers life dept. as testified to by now retired guardian angels) I never had a skin blemish. Not a zit, not an acne type, not even a blackhead. I never even got razor burn when shaving my legs!
    That all changed when I got married. From the “I Do” on, I had skin problems. When the babies came along I just settled in for the ride in the troubled skin dept.
    For some reason I think a message was being sent to me. Still trying to figure it out, but not sure I could handle the answer. Haha.

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  6. Now I know what that strange whistling sound is that always seems to be somewhere nearby. Adult zits never cease to amaze me. Thank goodness they don’t show up often, only at inconvenient times.

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          • Good news! Not one zit showed up! Then again, I didn’t have to get the whole root canal thing, just a crown. And my face was numb for only nine hours. Gee, what a lucky fellow I am. I think. Shoulda bought a lotto ticket. What’s the worst that could’ve happened?

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            • Woohoo! No root canal! But nine hours? Wow, they weren’t messin’ around with that anesthesia, were they? Still, it’s better than having it wear off too soon.

              And never, never ask ‘what’s the worst that could happen’. I’m far too imaginative. The mind boggles…

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              • Oh. Point taken. I’m co-boggling now. You’re right. It isn’t pretty…

                Yes, they loaded me up with enough stuff for the full-boogy deal, and then only had to do a little bit. I was STARVING before my mouth recovered enough that I dared try to eat anything. About the middle of the afternoon I gummed and slurped my way through a bowl of soup and some soggy crackers. That probably wasn’t too pretty, either, come to think of it.

                Oh, what the heck. Go on, just wallow in the visual. Think of my Gravatar photo, add a dish towel for a bib, then think of the same smile, but only on one side of my face. The other half of my face was frowning. Permanently, it felt like. Then add a bowl of soup under my chin. Or chins. Whatever. There’s more, but this, I’m sure, will be enough. Or more than enough. 🙂

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  7. Good news, it doesn’t get better with age,but the good news is you’re not alone. Thank God. So vou just turn around in that room and don’t worry why you went there. Five minutes from now you’ll say omg and then a few more expletives and wonder if your brain is ever coming back. Love ya

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    • Thanks! 🙂 I guess as long as I eventually figure out what I went there for, I’ll be okay. And I’ll console myself with the thought that if I can’t remember it at all, it couldn’t have been that important. Right…?

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  8. You’re right about the zits and wrinkles, Diane. I think blains, dimples, jowls, saggy eyelids, bags under the eyes and bad hair should also be included in your list.
    Of course, I never experience any of the above.
    Ahem.

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  9. If your brain really has gone walkabout, whatever everyone else has been doing lately *with* a brain, you’ve pretty much trumped without one, what with getting Book 10 past draft in what seems like record time. (Move to Texas.) Can’t tell you how happy I am that Book 10 is another week closer to my Kindle app! (Move to Texas.) And just so you know, I’ve been your age for sixteen years, and I still get the occasional zit. (Move to Texas.) But I wouldn’t think of stooping so low as to bombarding anyone in such a helpless condition with subliminal messages. (Move to Texas.)

    But just so you know, some friends came over for supper last night and I grilled up some more of those inch-thick pork chops. Mama fixed a big ol’ bowl of buttery, creamy mashed potatoes with just a hint of garlic, a sunburst tomato salad, a table full of the other usual fixin’s, and a big bowl of fresh fruit salad…with Taiwanese plum powder. (Move to Texas.)

    Then again, the temperature is supposed to be 103 – 104F for the next several days. (Move to Texas, but don’t get in too big a hurry!)

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    • Aw, thanks! And yummy, my mouth is watering! We had planned to barbeque pork chops last night, too, but the sky turned black (seriously, it looked like nighttime out there) and pelted us with loonie-sized hail and torrential rain. We took that as a subtle hint that we should stay indoors and cook king crab instead. How sad is it that king crab is now cheaper than beef, pork, and chicken here?!?

      (Must… move… to… Texas… Where did that thought come from? But I won’t be in a hurry – we hit 90F the day before yesterday and thought we were going to melt.)

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      • If 90F is your melting point, you definitely should wait a little while before packing your bags. October would work. November for sure. 🙂

        But y’all could sneak down for a couple of long weekends here and there. Our air conditioning works just fine! And who knows? If the rains continue, maybe beef prices will drop enough so we can afford to do some nice fillets without having to take five years of financial statements to the meat market.

        Reminds me of the restaurant reservation scene in L.A. Story.

        “You cannot have zee duck. You can have zee sheekin.”
        “Why can’t I have the duck?”
        “With a financial statement like zat, you expect to eat zee duck?”

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        • LOL! I guess the nice thing about the high price of ‘ordinary’ meats is that now I can branch out into duck and crab and all the other yummies guilt-free. It all requires a bank guarantee at the meat market now. 😉

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  10. “It should be illegal for zits and wrinkles to coexist on the same face.”—Ha! Can we make that a law? Off to write my congress person…

    Hope you find your brain soon. But you’re still funny without one. 🙂

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    • Thanks, Carrie! 😀 And I’m sure we can get lots of grassroots support for that bill – let me know how it goes. Then again, the new law probably wouldn’t change anything… except that my face would get arrested for breaking it…

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