Werewolf Porn Star

/ Diane Henders

Well, it’s been an interesting week on the blog. After doing back-to-back posts featuring scrotums and syphilis, I fully expected to find some, erm… unique search terms in my blog stats.

I navigated eagerly to my stats for the week, expecting a plethora of twisted terms. But instead I found this:

What, no scrotums or syphilis?

What, no scrotums or syphilis?

I could probably have had some fun (of the literary sort) with the first one, but ‘Sex at Calgary Stampede’? So mundane. *sigh*

Still, it’s nice to see that the classic ‘we’re all free! And naked!’ made it into the top four yet again. Even though I wrote that post over two years ago, it’s still the most popular search term that brings people to my blog:

Wait, am I detecting a theme here…?

Wait, am I detecting a theme here…?

I sure wish I knew what all these people are looking for. I’m not promising I’d supply it if I found out, but damn, I’m curious! Meanwhile, for all you bloggers out there: If you want to increase your site traffic dramatically, just write a post using the magic phrase.

Giving up on my search engine stats, I turned to my spam folder for entertainment. Alas, the spammers were merely plying me with generic praise unrelated to my posts and offers for payday loans and handbags (though I’m pleased to see the handbag ads are diminishing).

Fortunately for my sense of humour, a couple of gems slipped through the filters to land on my posts.

You may recall I mentioned I’d discovered my inner werewolf a few months ago. Imagine my surprise when I found this comment: “…Becoming a breed of the lycanthropus blend of the werewolf and acquiring hircine’s gifts enables one to live a powerful life. Join the seventh sixth pack of the Hademus, know the shapeshifting techniques, spells, feel among and enjoy supernatural gifts. If you really want to become a werewolf, contact…”

It included contact information, details on the strain of werewolfism (is that a word?) to infect me, and the specific werewolf spells and curses that would be applied, along with information on the werewolf father and werewolf god, and an application form. It was quite specific and well-organized, but the last line of the application form was the zinger: “Tell us why you want to become a werewolf”. I guess there must be a high demand for werewolf conversions so they need to screen out the posers.

Apparently it was Alternative Career Recruitment Week, because I also got this on my Guest Book: “…if you are interested in becoming a porn star, either male or female in xxx videos, this is an opportunity for you to apply with our company…” It also included contact information, salary details, travel allowances, and an application form.

It’s wonderful to know my career opportunities are so many and varied. Since they offered me the option of either male or female, I think I’d like to become a male porn star. Or better still, a male werewolf porn star.

I just hope my new employers won’t insist on the ‘no body hair’ look. ‘Cause for a werewolf, that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘waxing moon’.

Aaaarrooooooo!

47 thoughts on “Werewolf Porn Star”

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  4. A red-haired werewolf porn star of either (or both) sex is not a pleasant picture. If you do apply, please post pics of the application forms so we can see your answers. Only you!
    One of the blogs I follow calls his weekly post the Friday Beaver or variants thereof in summer and in winter when beavers are asleep, the Friday Pussy. I get readers by posting nasty things about Russia; second largest page views outside USA.

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  5. How about a little research before you make your decision(s). Ask the werewolf folks (werefolks) to send you nude pics of their successes. For all you know, all that hair and howling and slobbering and biting is just elaborate compensating. Wouldn’t want to find out too late. Jus’ sayin’…

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    • I love Warren Zevon! He played a concert in Manitoba once, and, of course, sang ‘Werewolves of London’… except that there’s a small town in Manitoba called Lundar, and he sang ‘Werewolves of Lundar’! Best EVER!

      (Just had to embed your link so everybody knows it’s safe to view…)

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  8. I can’t believe they have an application form to become either a porn star or a werewolf, Diane. If I were you, though, I’d apply for the werewolf one, and if successful, use the shape-shifting abilities to become the male porn star… two stones with one bird there! (And that doesn’t read quite right thinking in context…)
    I love search term posts. My most popular term, it seems, is ‘the type of rain that gets you wet’ from an old post of mine. It used to be XXXXXXXX, from a post I wrote about censorship, which I had to remove.
    Best of luck with your application, Diane! 😉

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    • Bahahaha!!! “Two stones and a bird”! And you’re right, the shapeshifting thing sounds like a definite advantage.

      …And you wrote a post about censorship and then had to remove it. I detect your fine sense of irony here…

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  9. My best traffic producer was “Nude Icelandic Women” about a charity calendar made by some nice ladies in a remote Icelandic village.
    Werewolf Brazilian seems like an interesting idea, but I can’t decide if I want to be male of female. Which would hurt more?

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    • Yep, I can see where “Nude Icelandic Women” would make you popular! And I dunno, but I’m thinking manscaping has to be a less painful option than Brazilian. Then again, having your leg amputated without anaesthetic would probably be a less painful option than Brazilian. Just thinking about it makes me walk bowlegged.

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  10. Gee, what are the advantages of being a redhead if one waxed away all the red hair? One could be satisfied with still being hot, I suppose…

    Waxing moon? Now THAT’S funny! Male? Not gonna even dignify that with a response. 🙂

    I saw the werewolf post and thought, Yep, that’s moderately bizarre, alright. Whatever that person was smoking, I don’t want any.

    Failing silver bullets, go to the photo-phile supply store and stock up on silver nitrate. Keep one of those pump-up garden sprayers full of the stuff handy. Like one by each door. And in the car. And in your waist pouch.

    I dunno about naked and free. Naked, yes, but not free. Reasonable, yes, but not free. Hey, I’m no pushover. 🙂

    And ninety-theven per thent! Thithter, thatth tho phreeking phabulouthly thplendorical!!!

    Name of the book? Release date? Cover art? Not to be pushy or anything, but hey, if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t ask, okay? 🙂

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    • LOL! Not pushy at all! Book 10 will be ‘Spy Away Home’. Cover art is in progress, and the release date will be sometime toward the end of August (to be announced shortly). The good news is that now I can set up pre-orders and simultaneous releases across all platforms (yay!) but the bad news is it takes a largish chunk of lead time (boo!). So I’ll likely finish the draft this week, and the rest of the time will be beta reading, editing, proofing, production, and setup.

      And hey, silver nitrate! An excellent idea. Solves that problematic issue of firearms that make the law enforcement folks so cranky…

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      • As you say, what are friends for? 🙂

        And firearms peskiness stuff is relative. Remember, Texas goes ‘open carry’ as of January 1, 2016. God, I love Texas! Oh, sorry. I’ve made that point. 🙂

        And instead of apologizing for being pushy, how about if I offer my heartiest congratulations on your impending completion of the anxiously-awaited Book 10. Would that be an acceptable substitute?

        Great title, too. As always, I can hardly wait to download it. I hesitate to say I’m your biggest fan. That always has a negative connotation. And I can’t say I’m your largest fan, either. As of this morning I’ve lost 24 pounds. I would accept the title of greatest fan if that is open. 🙂

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  11. Hmm. I’m struck by “join the seventh sixth pack of the Hademus.” What, it took them seven tries to get the sixth pack right?

    Anyway, I wish you much success in your new career as a male werewolf porn star. Please direct us to the videos as they become available. 😉

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    • Yeah, I’m not quite sure how their numeric system works, but I don’t think I really want to know. And thank you for your good wishes! You’ll be able to hear the howling all the way to DC if they make me wax…

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  14. That werewolf thing is not only funny but bizarre and a bit scary too. Do these people live in the same world as me? Wow, I must be really, really boring. I did get this search term yesterday though: “introvert mistaken for weirdo.” Guess they knew where to find me…

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