I’m Such A Snotty Princess

/ Diane Henders

Hubby brought home a cold last week. As I mentioned several years ago, we generally don’t share viruses because I’m probably a Neanderthal, but this one seems to have targeted the weaker homo sapiens part of my genetic makeup.

Right now I’m at the stage where my throat and lungs are on fire but I’m not coughing yet. I’m still clinging to the idiot hope that maybe the Rhinovirus Fairy will pass me by instead of scooping out my brain and replacing it with snot.

But I think she (or ‘he’, to be fair) has already begun the process, because in the last few days I’ve developed a disturbing tendency to shuffle to a halt and stand staring into space for several seconds before saying, “Come on, brain, you can do this!” aloud. It seems to work – I usually remember what I was trying to do, but it tends to draw wary looks if I do it outside the privacy of my home.

Meanwhile, I’m sucking on zinc/echinacea/Vitamin C lozenges and drinking hot lime juice with honey. (I prefer lime instead of the traditional lemon because then I can pretend I’m drinking a hot margarita instead of a medicinal beverage.)  I don’t expect this to cure or in any way improve my cold, but at least it gives me something to do while I wait.

When I sat down to write this post I racked my virus-laden brain for something funny to say about the common cold, but you know what? I got nothin’. Colds suck. Or rather, blow. Great soggy snot-balls.

So instead, here are a few things that made me laugh this week:

My blogging buddy Carl D’Agostino’s cartoon: https://carldagostino.wordpress.com/2015/05/18/compulsive-behavior-by-carl-dagostino/

My nephew’s comment about men’s locker rooms: “Yep, no matter which way you turn, you’re gonna see something you really didn’t want to see.” That reminded us both of this comic from The Oatmeal and made us laugh uproariously. (Scroll down to the bottom of The Oatmeal’s page for the one about the locker room.)

Then there’s this picture sent to me by one of my readers, Sue W., because she saw it on Facebook and knew it would make me laugh. (The misspelling of ‘potato’ is neither hers nor mine.)

That’ll make you think twice about digging in the garden…

That’ll make you think twice about digging in the garden…

I’m hoping the person who wrote the caption meant ‘love this’ in the philosophical sense, not the physical. But probably only my mind would ever latch onto that critical distinction.

This Twitter message was laughable because it was such a lame attempt at marketing from somebody who clearly knows me… wait for it… NOT AT ALL:

Totally me. Not.

Totally me. Not.

Let me count the ways this made me laugh:

  • They clearly put so much time and effort into crafting their marketing message. Ten seconds with Google Translate might have helped.
  • It’s pink. Anybody who knows me (even slightly) knows that I’ve never in my life worn or even owned anything pink.
  • It has a princess crown on it. Is there anything about me that could in any way be construed as princess-like?
  • It has a cutesy heart on it. I’m totally gonna wear this with my biking leathers and flaming-skull helmet.
  • And hell yeah, I’m going to click on a random link sent by some spammer just because the T-shirt has my first name on it. Nice try, guys. But thanks for the laughs.

What made you chuckle this week? And/or what’s your favourite cold remedy?

42 thoughts on “I’m Such A Snotty Princess”

  1. Love this story and the pics. I sympathize with you on the cold. This past week hubby and I both have been down with a horrific head and chest cold. We’ve coughed, sneezed and sweated ourselves stupid. I know I got mine first and passed it to him so it’s my fault, of course. He had a battery of tests and lab work done in Biloxi on the 12th, I had been having some problems and had a complete upper and lower GI series done on the 15th. BTW, if anyone has to have those done, try not to have them done at the same time! When I got home I was sick with the cold. I see my regular doc tomorrow to find out what the results are. Personally I like the idea of the Southern Comfort cure. I figure I’m too contrary to have anything wrong with me, besides my warped sense of humor anyway. I’m hoping that you will quickly get over your cold and be back to your motivated self. #10 is looking good and my Kindle is just aching to have it added. (lol) I do admit tho’ that our potatoes here are really boring compared to the ones you have!

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    • Oh, I’m sorry you got the plague, too, especially when you’re going through all the other stuff! Nothing like kicking you when you’re down. I hope you get over it soon.

      That potato is quite something, isn’t it? At first I thought somebody must’ve altered the photo, but I’ve been spending enough time with Photoshop lately to suspect it actually came out of the ground that way. I can’t imagine digging that up – I’d be rolling in the dirt laughing helplessly!

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  2. Sorry about your cold. I use an inhaler (carefully so I don’t get hooked again) and drink lots of house brand neo-citron but my sinuses will then drain for months afterwards. So what do I know?
    What made me laugh? A sign that read Marriage is like a deck of cards. To start all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the time it is over you wish you had a club and a spade.

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    • What? I was supposed to take out the werewolf-leprechaun? Well, dang. Back to the drawing board.

      Seriously, though, it’s almost done – just a few final fine adjustments left. I’m very slow at Photoshop, but by the time I finish the last cover I should be an expert. (Not to mention I’m doing the covers in my “spare” time.) 😉 I’m aiming to launch the new cover next week. *crosses fingers*

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  5. Lime, honey, and Southern Comfort bourbon. Drink it hot, and drink it often.

    Oh, and it’s good to drink when you have a cold, too. 🙂

    And fifty point theven thix jutht rockth!

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  8. Isn’t it amazing how such a volume of snot can come out of a person? Get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids. If you drink the right fluids they will help you rest. A six pack a day is about right for me.

    And no, I just do not see you as a pink princess.

    True story remembered because of the potato. A nurse neighbor was working in the ER back in the disco days when a patient came in in tight disco pants with a severely dislocated hip. He was unconscious because of the pain. When he came to in his room after they fixed his leg there was a hot dog on his table that the nurse found when she cut off his pants.

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    • Bahahaha!!! Oh, the poor guy! I can imagine that the only thing worse than dislocating your hip would be dislocating your hip and having the nurses laugh at your wiener.

      And I think you may be onto something with the fluids – I’ve been going about this all wrong. At the very least, I should be drinking real margaritas. Then, for ideal nutrition, I could alternate them with barley sandwiches. Yes, I think this cold is about to get a whole lot better… or I won’t care anymore. Either works. 😉

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      • True story. At a club I frequented when I was a much younger man, there was a much older guy who would show up in a shiny black Jag, dressed to the nines, and dance with all the hot young babes. Always left early with the best looking girl in the house, too. After a while, word filtered back that he had a SMOKED SAUSAGE taped to his leg. Next time he showed up, somebody called him on it and he started partying elsewhere after that. Terrible waste of, er, pork. I guess.

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        • Hahaha!!! A smoked sausage?!? Did he really think the girls weren’t going to notice that he’d promised them kielbassa and then slipped them a vienna sausage instead? Not to mention the disturbing aroma of smoked meat emanating from his nether regions…

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  9. Sorry you’re suffering a cold, but it obviously hasn’t stolen your sense of humor! When I opened up my reader, your post was on top with that big phallic potato coming right at me. Talk about a visual wake-up call! Think of the centerpiece that would make at Thanksgiving. 😉

    Love the comics. My teen sons would agree with the old guys in the locker room putting it all on display. When they go to the gym with their dad, they shower at home. Can’t say I blame them.

    Get better soon!

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    • Thanks, Carrie, and I’m sorry about the potato-fest! I guess I should’ve placed it below the T-shirt picture – I never even thought about how it would appear in the readers. But hey, at least you’re awake now!

      And that Oatmeal cartoon made me laugh, but it was nothing compared to the way I cracked up when my nephew launched into his account. I guess some things, like that potato, simply can’t be un-seen. 🙂

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