So I went to the dentist this week…
Wait, don’t run away! If you get the willies just thinking about dental procedures, I promise I’m not going to describe any scary stuff. But I did manage to look foolish and give myself the giggles.
You’d think the scope for embarrassment would be relatively limited at a dentist’s office. You walk in, sit down, let them do whatever needs to be done, pay, and leave. Short of performing a spectacular pratfall on the way to the chair (and I didn’t), it’s a pretty predictable experience.
Going to the dentist isn’t a big deal for me. My teeth are good, and my dentist is excellent and super-nice to boot. But it turned out that my favourite dental hygienist had moved away so I was assigned a new one.
I don’t know whether I was adjusting to his unfamiliar technique or just having a particularly brain-dead day, but the way I carried on you’d think I’d never had my teeth cleaned before.
First there was the obligatory round of small talk with his fingers jammed in my mouth. I’m pretty sure both restaurant waitstaff and dental hygienists attend secret training courses so they can pinpoint the exact moment their mark’s client’s mouth is stuffed as full as possible. Then it becomes a sporting event to ask a question and watch, completely straight-faced, while the mark client struggles to respond intelligibly.
This guy was good. He didn’t even crack a smile while I mumbled stuff even I couldn’t decipher. Then he started the cleaning, with its usual routine of rinse-and-suction.
And I damn near drowned myself.
I drooled, sputtered, and almost sucked the side of my own face off with the suction tube. My bib was soaked, and fortunately he’d given me a tissue because I tipped my head a little too far and water ran out the corner of my mouth and into my right ear. Then I coughed up a gout of water that sprinkled my goggles and dampened the back of my collar before I could catch the waterfall with my tissue.
That made me giggle and try to say, “Geez, I didn’t think I needed another shower today”, but since I still had a small amount of water plus a couple of his fingers in my mouth, it came out as rhythmic gurgling and eruptions that made me look as though I was trying to emulate the fountains at Bellagio. (Though I’m pretty sure my version of fountain choreography will never succeed as a tourist attraction.)
But if there was a video camera hidden in the ceiling and if I’m right about the secret sporting society, my hygienist will be taking a bow at their awards dinner this year.
Well played, my friend. Well played.
* * *
P.S. Any time I think of dentists, I have a giggle at the old joke about the guy who’s at the dentist. The dentist gets out the drill and the guy reaches over, grabs the dentist by the balls, and says, “We wouldn’t want to hurt each other, would we, Doc?”
Author Diane Henders 
Reblogged this on jim hutta westerville ohi.
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I never had to worry about dentists as I never had too many serious problems, until I got older, then just went with the full denture route. Found out while my teeth looked great they were fairly weak. Ah well. My only problem came with my husband and my kids. They were all scared to death and literally broke down with horrible shakes. And they had newer techniques and better equipment too! Go figure. I had to sit in there with them while they cry babied about everything. I would make sure they saw me clearly and made seriously goofy faces at them, anything to make them laugh, then choke, then tear up! I was an evil wife and mama. LOL
OH! Love the progress on book 10.
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LOL! If you were making them laugh, that’s not evil. But I can just imagine the dentist trying to keep a straight face while you performed for the victim in the chair. That must have made his/her day!
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You had me at ‘on the way to the chair ‘. At least it wasn’t applied electronics. I went to the same dentist for over 25 years. My kids call him ‘Dr. Death” but I like him. Also he has a cute receptionist and dental hygienist though they are both 25 years older than when I started going there. So am I. The brother of the dental hygienist was Minister of Agriculture when I worked at the department. I ran into him at a fancy reception and said “Your sister just spend an hour in my mouth this morning”. Needless to say all the other staff around me were totally horrified as they hold Ministers in awe for some reason. He laughed.
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Funny how those 25-year time blocks keep sneaking up on a person. And what a great line to the Minister of Agriculture! It’s always fun to horrify onlookers with in-jokes.
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Better than if I said I just spent an hour in her mouth
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Ha! Y’know, I was going to say exactly that, and then I thought, “Nah, maybe I’ll show some restraint for a change.” So thanks for validating my twisted sense of humour.
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Haha perfectly described. I’m such a handful in a dentist chair myself.
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I’m glad I’m not the only one!
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Sounds a lot like a Friday night at the pub.
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LOL! Yep, that gives “gurgling and eruptions” a whole new context.
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When i was a little girl, our family dentist would croon in dulcet tones,”Open your heart, dear” when he needed your mouth opened wider- (gag, puke). I have no idea what he said to the guys, but he gave great toys at the end of each session.
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Oh, gag me! Still, though, I think I’d rather have icky sweetness and toys than the large and forbidding dentist we had as children. His idea of ‘bedside manner’ was, “Open up and don’t be a baby!” It scared the hell out of me but it worked because I was a tomboy and would never back down from a challenge. But I’d venture to say he probably didn’t have a lot of success with other kids.
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
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Aaaaagh!!!! I accord that pun the highest honour I can bestow: Fleeing the room screaming and holding my nose.
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LOL! I’m sure your new hygienist was vastly entertained.
Personally, I don’t mind going to the dentist as much since my hygienist told me I have the gums of a much younger woman. (Would I prefer to have the gams of a much younger woman? Yeah. But at this point I’ll take what I can get.)
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Hahaha!! Yep, I’d take that, too. My doctor told me I have the bones and blood pressure of a 20-year-old. I said, “Good, where does she live? I want to swap out the rest of my body, too.”
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There’s a certain rhythm established between dental hygienist and patient. A new one can throw everything off.
Let’s just stick with that excuse, shall we?
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Thank you. Yes, let’s stick with that one. 😉
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Rotflol!!!
I an TERRIFIED of dentists (fortunately I have found a very gentle and compassionate one who is worth the 30 minute out-of-town drive to get to her office) but this actually made me laugh out loud while at work. I can now think of your story before every cleaning and go with a smile. Thank you!!
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I’ve never been particularly afraid of dentists or dental procedures, but I deliberately went looking for a female dentist 25 years ago and I’ve been going to her ever since. She’s an excellent dentist… and she’s also smaller than I am. I like to think that if necessary I could overpower her and escape. 😉
And I’m glad I gave you something funny to think about the next time you’re headed for The Chair!
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Thanks for a shot of humor between my classes today😂. I had to laugh because that sort of thing happens to me often. I hope your day is a good one today.
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Thanks, Suzie – I’m glad you got a laugh! I hope you have a good day, too! 🙂
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