So I Booked A Photo Session…

/ Diane Henders

Yes, this is the beginning of a joke.  Last week I decided to set up a photo session, with predictable results:

photoshoot cartoonOkay; it wasn’t quite that bad.  I didn’t actually break my ankle; I just twisted it.  I think I remembered to suck in hard enough to hide the evidence of my Superbowl excesses, and the zits were mostly hidden by makeup.  I hope.  (Yes, I wore makeup.  Bleah.)  And my hair, bless it, behaved.

Fortunately I was working with the funny and talented Rick and Sandra Hand of Hand Crafted Images.  They made the session easy and fun, and I know the quality of the photos will be top-notch.  But with me as a model, there’s only so much their talent can overcome…

Does the camera hate you as much as it hates me?

* * *

I’m off for an arthrogram on my ankle this morning (an old kickboxing injury; not photo-session-induced), so I’ll be incommunicado until this afternoon.  “Talk” to you then!

53 thoughts on “So I Booked A Photo Session…”

  2. If it is of any comfort to everyone, you are all in great company. While in high school and most of my college years, I anticipated a life as a portrait artist. What could be better? I’d not be a lonely artist sitting in my studio all by myself, I’d have a constant stream of fascinating people eager to spend hours sitting for me while I captured more than mere likenesses. Then I met a lot more people. No-one but a few performance-artist freaks actually like the way they look. They don’t like a single photo of themselves, and way too few would want to spend piles of dough to get a real likeness of themselves- what if I actually painted them and captured how they really look? I find that what people want is a picture of their dead dog or cat, or a painting of their kid when s/he was cute, as opposed to how they seem to be turning out now. It takes a very brave artist to do a self-portrait and include the extra pounds, the drab hair, the potato nose, the dark circles,etc. Even if you do flatter yourself, who’d want to look at that face for all time? Trees, rocks, and water? They don’t complain or get all self-critical.

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    • LOL! There’s a perspective I never considered! I wonder how many of the Renaissance artists “air-brushed” their subjects? And you’re right; I’d never commission a painting of myself. Seeing myself every morning in the mirror is enough. I might like to have a portrait of somebody I loved… if I actually had any loved ones who wouldn’t smack me for even suggesting they sit for a portrait. 😉

      But never mind; after you’d met more people, you probably had a greater appreciation for painting animals and landscapes that couldn’t talk back anyway.

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      • Of course there was hell to pay if the renaissance painter failed to flatter the patron. They’d be black-listed and never get another job as a painter. Nothing changes- as soon as photos were widely available, there were paints desired for “retouching the flaws in the print”. Yup- cameras always add 10 or more pounds– or maybe the negative was bent when it was printed- digital lenses are just that bad- distortions, fisheye effects– yes that’s it! I’m not that fat! It’s the junky plastic lenses these days on the cameras!

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  3. I’m trying to get caught up after a bit of illness junk going around. Recovery is on the horizon so no problems now, hopefully. Your portrait session sounds so familiar but in a way that brings on how dumb youth can be. In my younger days I was told that I was “stunning”. Really. Perhaps they were simply booze induced remarks from local Lotharios wanting to borrow my car. I had a really nice car. LOL I just didn’t see it, I’m sorry, I know I wasn’t ugly but I’ve never seen myself as a “stunner”. Cleaned up nice, yes, but that was about it. Anyway, here comes the dumb part. I have always said I personally have retired about 8 or 9 Guardian Angels over my lifetime and this instance was one of the reasons why. I’m almost 18, in Redondo Beach, CA. just graduated and enjoying the beach, etc. and yadda-yadda. I am approached by a nicely dressed youngish type with an expensive looking camera and he gives me his card. I seem to have been picked to receive a professional portrait type photo. For free even! Wow! Lil’ ol’ me, imagine that. All I had to do was come to his motel, room whatever it was, at 6:00 p.m. that evening. (I’m laughing at myself so hard right now I can’t focus!) Worse than that, I actually went! Luckily for me, I told my best friend about it and while at least she was skeptical, she wanted to come along. I said sure, why not. Now my best friend was a tall, statuesque blonde, almost 6′, blue eyes and looked closely like an Anita Ekberg (sp?) lookalike. I was 5’10” in stocking feet and had long red hair so we made an impression just about everywhere. I think when we showed up the “photographer” thought he’d hit double jackpot. About the time he was going to “set up the lighting”, which we didn’t see any signs of, just a bottle of Scotch and an ice bucket, a knock on the door happened and the whole thing came to an abrupt stop. My BFF had told some of our male friends about the “big photo break” and they tagged along knowing full well that no way was it going to happen! LOL I think that was Guardian Angel 3 or 4 that went down then. It’s hard to think that I was ever that gullible. I had a rep for being the one in control, the reliable and responsible one. I blamed that lapse on the lack of sun screen I didn’t use. Yeah, that was it. Uh-huh, the sun screen.

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    • Oh, I’m laughing, too – mainly about the “photographer’s” consternation when all the guys showed up! Your poor guardian angels have been working overtime, haven’t they? I hope there’s some particularly nice reward for worn-out G.A.s. 🙂

      I’m sorry to hear you’ve been under the weather, but glad you’re on the mend. Keep feeling better!

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      • Yeah, I wish I had a picture of the look on his face. My BFF was an avid surfer and one of the guys was a Samoan body builder wannabe, LOL, he looked more menacing than he was so that was enough to put the “fear” into anyone. Geez, the things we do as dumb kids. I also hope my retired angels are getting a glitzy treatment. They fer shur earned it.

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  4. Sounds like you might be related to Murphy. Hope your ankle heals up real quick. My sister teaches speed reading in Calgary and posed for some professional shots. She is nine years younger than me but the photog photoshopped her to look 40 and gorgeous instead of almost 60 and not bad looking. The pictures crack her up every time she uses them in her promos but what the heck, go with the flow.

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    • LOL! Yep, I think Photoshop will be my friend. When a different photographer took the photo I use on this blog, I got the finished product back and went, “But why did you take out all my wrinkles? I’m fifty, not twenty! That’s not how I really look!” She looked at me as though I was nuts, but she did let me keep a few wrinkles.

      And thanks for the good wishes – I have high hopes for the ankle now that I’ve had the diagnostic and they can figure out what’s really wrong with it.

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    • Hmmm, or perhaps tactful omission…

      The foot test went better than I’d expected. I was afraid it would hurt as much as the cortisone injections I’ve been getting in my thumbs, but it didn’t both me a bit. Whew! No word on what (if anything) they’ve discovered yet, but I should hear sometime next week. I’m hoping it’s something that can be resolved with physio. Fingers crossed!

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  7. Photographs are fine as long as I’m not in them.

    I am reminded of a story told about the composer and pianist Sergei Rachmaninoff. He went with a friend to have his picture taken for an album cover. While posing for the picture, the friend said “Sergei, you will look so much better if you are smiling.” To which Rachmaninoff replied “But I am smiling!”

    That’s how I feel when having my photo taken.

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  8. Photo session? With bright lights? Makes my hands sweat at the prospect of seeing all of my crevasses, I mean wrinkles in my face. 🙂 I’m assuming this is for your book you famous author?
    Loved the cartoons! Do you happen to follow Jeff at Planet Bell. He draws cartoons for his posts sometimes too. I think you would really enjoy each others humour.

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  9. I carry a camera so I don’t have to get in front of one. It’s the same reason I play guitar, so I don’t have to out there and dance.
    I am halfway through “How Spy I Am” this week. Can I get the name and phone number of the cover model? I don’t have to tell my wife, do I?

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    • LOL! Sorry to disappoint, but it’s stock photography so I haven’t a clue about the model. But I guess that simplifies the dilemma of what to tell your wife. 😉 I hope you enjoy the contents as much as the cover.

      And hey; smart man! Maybe I should start carrying a camera.

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  12. Set the Wayback machine for a hunnerd or two years ago. Senior in high school, Time for dreaded senior yearbook pictures. Yep, zits.

    Did I say zits? More like moon craters and mountain ridges. Worse than that. I looked like a cross between a pineapple and Noriega.

    There is a happy ending. The photographer’s wife was an artist. She retouched my photos to the extent that the final product was more like a fine portrait done in oil paint. I was GORGEOUS!!

    Well, considering what she had to work with. My mom opened up the package and said, deadpan, “Nice picture. Who is it?”

    Thanks, mom. 🙂

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    • Ha! You made me laugh out loud! Nothing like your beloved family to take you down a peg or two. Sadly, there were no artists among the jaded photographers who snapped our school pictures. My glasses, braces, and pizza-face were all faithfully recorded for posterity, and my parents kept… Every. Single. Photo.

      On the up side, if I’m ever in danger of feeling too full of myself I can just shuffle through those school pictures.

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      • Exactly. You and me, both. Most of my OTHER school pictures had my seven cowlicks flapping in the breeze, my shirt buttoned up wrong, and some obscure vegetable matter stuck in my teeth. And the rest of them were actually bad.

        One of the many reasons I’ve never taken myself too seriously. I mean, really. Why would I? 🙂

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  14. Good grief, only you!
    I am a little surprised about the injuries, only because they all happened so closely together. However, reading one of the comments, I almost fell out of my chair, and it has arms, when I read you were wearing fake nails… What!!! I had to read that twice, then LMAO😂🍺

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    • Ha! You think you’re laughing now; you should’ve been there! I didn’t want to use the glue that came with the nails so I had double-sided tape stuck to the inside of them. The curve wasn’t exactly the same as my real nails so they’d stick for a while and then boing off into space like little plastic springs. And for the record, French-manicured fake nails look really creepy when they’re disembodied…

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  15. You take a licking and keep on ticking. And then you pose for the camera afterward. Now that’s a special talent! I think you already know how little I enjoy getting my photo taken. I really need to get a professional one someday, not just my JC Penney’s Studio head shot, but, well, I’ve got so many other things I’d rather do. Can’t wait to see your pics!

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