Alcoholity 101

/ Diane Henders

Though I generally avoid religious and political discussions, today I’d like to introduce you to a widely-practiced but poorly-documented religion: Alcoholity. As a practicing member, I think it’s important to spread the Holy Word so that Alcoholity can be given the rights and recognition it deserves.

Archaeological records show that Alcoholity was practiced as early as 10,000 B.C., long before any other organized religion. After thousands of years of development, Alcoholity today is divided into two main branches: BeerHallicism and ProBoozetantism.

BeerHallicism is the more stringent of the two branches. Devout BeerHallics attend services at their local place of worship on all High Holy Days, which include Friday evenings, Saturdays, Sundays, days the in-laws visit, and any day on which a major sporting event takes place. Additional days of worship may also be observed at the adherent’s discretion. The most orthodox BeerHallics also designate a day after High Holy Days as a Day of Contemplation, which requires fasting, resting in a dim room, and abstention from loud noises.

Orthodox BeerHallicism is not for everyone. In addition to the extensive time commitment, it frequently comes with a heavy burden of guilt and also requires a rigorous Confession upon returning home at the close of each High Holy Day.

ProBoozetantism encompasses a number of denominations and is a less demanding branch of Alcoholity. ProBoozetants observe the High Holy Days to varying degrees, and unlike BeerHallics they are not required to attend services in a designated building. Services may take place in restaurants, private homes, at sporting events, or even in public places (though open-air services tend to be subjected to religious persecution by the authorities).

The three main denominations of ProBoozetantism are Presbeerterians, Wineglicans, and Liquorists. Their liturgies are very similar, differing mainly in the content of their Holy Communion, though Wineglicans also perform a complex ceremony with the Communion glass resulting in a euphoric state similar to Rapture.

On the subject of Holy Communion, it should be noted that while scholars consider fruit juice and yeast to be the true Body and Lifeblood of Alcohol, all current branches of Alcoholity accept the consumption of any form of booze and food for Holy Communion.

In addition to the three main denominations, many smaller offshoots of ProBoozetantism exist, such as Coolerism, Shooterism, Cocktailism, ‘Shineism, and even Screechism, a tiny sect existing only in Newfoundland, Canada which includes a baptism/confirmation ceremony called a ‘Screech-in’ that requires speaking in tongues and bestowing a kiss upon the holy Cod.

Unlike most other established religions, Alcoholity is inclusive. As the religion continues to evolve, denominational lines are becoming increasingly blurred and ecumenical services are common.  Even the most orthodox BeerHallics warmly welcome everyone to their places of worship to participate in Holy Communion. ProBoozetants and nonbelievers alike are allowed to bow over the BeerHallics’ holy altar, the Pool Table, and everyone worships with equal fervour before the Big Screen.

And the best thing about Alcoholity is that it can be practiced concurrently with almost all of the other mainstream religions.

With such rich historical tradition and widespread adherence, it’s long past time for Alcoholity to be recognized as a mainstream religion. Please lobby your local authorities to write it into law.

And remember: Your employer must accommodate your need to observe the High Holy Days, and may even be required to do so with full pay or face legal action for discrimination on the basis of religion. Schedule a meeting with your Human Resources liaison today and demand your religious rights!

Oh, and let me know how that goes for you…

42 thoughts on “Alcoholity 101”

  1. I talked to HR and they suggested that I join a new sect call Rehabitariaism and the company would pay all me expenses! It sounded pretty good. They said I’d get lots of nutritious food, quiet sleeping quarters, and my own personal “guide”. I asked them what I needed to do to join and they told me all I needed was a willingness to partake! Sign me up! When I asked what time Happy Hour began, they suggested that I consider my future with the company which I took as a good sign. Promo must be on the way. They also called security and sent me home for the day. Did I miss something?

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  3. I think I took my worshiping too seriously, Diane, back in the day, and I can’t begin to tell you the feelings of pain and sorrow I felt the following morning after opening myself up and embracing things fully. And the next day. And the next. HR turned a blind eye to things back then as well, although many of them were ‘part of the team’ as it were…

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    • Yes, it’s one of those things that’s only fun until it stops being fun, isn’t it? And it’s tough to be the one to say, “This isn’t fun anymore.”

      I’m glad you’re Feeling Good these days! 🙂

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  6. Love it! After one horrendous experience with Boilermakers at the age of 18, really stupid as I was still living at home and had to be up early for work at the telephone company at that, and I didn’t DARE throw up or parents would know, I pretty much gave up drinking for a long, long time. The telephone work was back in the day of the switchboards and headsets. The headsets would pick up sounds from anywhere in someone’s home. A throbbing hangover to go with those things had me praying for an easy death. Any booze later on in life was limited to one only. The memory of that one time still brings on the old gag reflex, yeah, it was that bad. Your descriptions of Alcoholity were perfect. AND, I learned about Screech! How neat is that! LOL

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    • Oh, that sounds absolutely horrible! I’ve either been lucky enough (or never drank enough, though that seems… er… unlikely) to never have had a hangover, and I’m hoping that at this stage of my life I’m smart enough not to tempt one. Time will tell…

      I’m glad you got a kick out of Screech! Newfoundland is like an entirely different country – I thoroughly enjoyed my visit there and hope to go back some day. But I didn’t get Screeched-In while I was there. Probably a good thing. 😉

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      • Once was definitely enough. I was always the good old reliable friend that saw to it no one got smashed and drove, or that any of the younger girls wound up in the back seat of some local Lothario’s car. LOL I could always tell them the bad things they did the next day! That was always fun. Cruel, but I still laughed my backside off!

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  8. Tried the HR thing. Looking for a new gig. Let’s just say the interview didn’t go well.

    Anybody hiring a Low Deacon? Not looking for entry level here. Offer advanced case (sorry) of beergutitis for proof. 🙂

    And eighty perthent on the nothe. You tho rock, Sithter!

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      • HAH! I’m reinstated! All I had to do was mention religious discrimination and a law suit by my attorney, Beelzebub McFeces (a dirty lawyer if ever there was one), and all is forgiven. All I have to do is to cease and desist with my efforts at proselyting during office hours (hic). And clath (hic).

        And ninety perthent? Thweet! Thay, thatth like a hunnerd and eighty perthent in dog proof, ithn’t it?

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