Beware: Killer Raisins

/ Diane Henders

By now everybody knows I suffer from what I prefer to call ‘attention-deficit dyslexia’ (because it sounds better than ‘I read too fast and my twisted brain spits out weird stuff’).

That’s been happening frequently of late, probably because I’ve been stoned to the eyeballs on muscle relaxants and my brain function has slowed to the speed of a crippled snail on downers.  I thought being stoned would be more fun than this, but at least my misreading has kept me entertained.

You may have come to expect my misreads to be of the off-colour variety, but apparently my sexlexia is (mostly) under control these days. Only a couple of my latest finds fall into that category: I read ‘Last time for a Night Screw’ instead of ‘Last time for a Night Crew’ and ‘Elevate the status of old spanky’ when it actually said ‘Elevate the status of an old standby’.  (I’m not even going to speculate as to who or what ‘old spanky’ might be.  Sometimes the nobility of my restraint astounds me.)

Then this inspirational title gave me pause: ‘Ambulance doesn’t follow giving until giving becomes its own reward’. I’ve heard of ambulance-chasers, but that seemed to be carrying things a bit too far.

The title actually read ‘Abundance’, not ‘Ambulance’, but even with the correct wording I’m not sure how to interpret that headline. At least I don’t have to look over my shoulder for an ambulance the next time I donate to a cause.

Apparently I have a mental block against the word ‘plan’, because I read it wrong in two separate headlines within a day. First I read ‘you need a pun’, and then ‘7 signs you need a gun’.

Both those articles would have been much more entertaining if they’d explained why I needed puns and guns instead of plans, but I guess that’s too much to hope for in your average business magazine. (Though now in my drug-induced haze I’m imagining trade journals like Clown World and Assassins Weekly. Or better yet, guns and puns together in The Assassin Clown’s Handbook.)

Standing in line at the supermarket, I did a double-take when I glanced at one of the tabloid headlines and saw ‘Killed By Raisins’. At least I thought that’s what it said. When I looked more closely at it, I was disappointed to discover that it actually said ‘Raised By Killers’. I was totally bass ackwards on that one.

And speaking of food, I got a giggle out of one of the invitations from my Meetup group. It announced ‘A waistline is available for Steak Night’. Padding somebody else’s waistline instead of my own seemed like an excellent idea, but it was too good to be true. In fact the only thing available for Steak Night was a waitlist.

After that spate of misinterpretation, I barely blinked at the spam email that mentioned ‘colorectal feathers’. I re-read it, fully expecting to find it said something else. But no; this time it wasn’t my eyes playing tricks on me. It actually said ‘colorectal feathers’.

The mental image cracked me up. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t help picturing a guy with a gaily coloured feather duster stuck up where the sun don’t shine.

My back is much better and I’m looking forward to ditching the drugs soon, but at least I got a laugh from killer raisins and poop-chute plumage.

Any other ‘creative readers’ out there?

33 thoughts on “Beware: Killer Raisins”

  1. Pingback: This Post Doesn’t Suck | Author Diane Henders

  3. Very funny reading for sure. I seem to have adult dyslexia, came on just in the last 2-3 years. Drives me nuts. Besides that I now have to go slow and with more thought as to what I am writing. My keyboard has lost the function to use a (letter after “O” and before “Q”. ) Totally maddening. Never realized how much I de end on that one letter! Sheesh. Just got this ergonomic keyboard a few months ago too. aaaaargh!
    I am constantly reading signs etc. backwards too. Then again, here in the South sometimes what you are reading that looks wrong, and is wrong, is what is actually right there in all it’s grammatical incorrectness.
    Got to go now, without a (letter after “O” and before “Q”) I just need a window to throw it out of.
    Glad your back is getting better too.

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    • Argh, that keyboard thing would drive me absolutely nuts! I bet you never realized exactly how many words have a ‘p’ in them (and I don’t want to find out).

      Colloquialisms are fun – I found the same thing when I visited Newfoundland a couple of years ago. I’d read the sign, go, “Wait, what?”, read it again and realize that really was what they meant to say. Always good for a chuckle!

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  5. Last week the Red Deer Advocate had a headline about a fellow who attacked a friend with a machete. (Self defense, of course.) I swore the incident was on a city bus. Read it out loud to the husband. He says “Thought you said it was on a bus.” “Yup,” says I, “It was on a city bus.” “There is not,” says he, “one mention of a bus in that article.”
    Hmph – wonder where I got the idea the attack would be on a city bus?!!!

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  8. Seven signs you need a gun? There’s only one sign for that: You don’t have a gun. This here’s Texas, after all.

    Seven signs you need ANOTHER gun? There’s only one of those, too. There’s a gun you don’t already have three or four of. Duh. I’m surprised at all y’all.

    The rest of those? Further, deponent sayeth not. 🙂

    And ol’ thuper thleuth theeth that you are almotht at the fifty perthent plathe on the progeth bar. You tho rock!

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  9. Given your ‘attention-deficit dyslexia’ and ‘sexlexia,’ they could make a section for you in the DSM-5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition). It’ll read: “Chapter 7: Diane Henders, a fascinating and as-of-yet unsolved psychological mystery.” 😉

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  11. Haha, funny post, your first read versions of all of those are far more interesting.

    Yes I do it too! Maybe not QUITE as often as you 😉 but I occasionally do a double-take on something I’ve read, I’m darned if I can think of any good examples right now though! If I do, I’ll come back.

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