Slime! You’re Eye Candy!

/ Diane Henders

That was the sign that confronted me as I left the optometrist’s office yesterday: “Slime! You’re eye candy!”

I had just been told my eyesight was perfect, so since I was reading the sign backward through the glass I figured it had to be another instance of my attention-deficit dyslexia. I went around and checked it from the correct side and sure enough, it said, “Smile! You’re on camera!” But at least I got a chuckle.

It’s been that kind of week: Bass ackwards and downside up. I feel as though I’ve been running around in ever-decreasing circles until I’m in imminent danger of disappearing up my own ass.

Since October is breast cancer awareness month, I had planned for today’s post to honour several of my personal friends and all the other brave women who have fought or are fighting breast cancer.

When one of my friends was going through her chemo treatments, she wanted a break from all the scary serious stuff and we usually ended up laughing in the treatment room. Cancer has enough innate solemnity, so I wanted to write a light-hearted post.

But my scattered brain wouldn’t cooperate. I made several attempts but they all felt as cheap and forced as the drilling company that sent pink drill bits out to their sites to promote awareness despite the fact that some of the chemicals they use are believed to cause breast cancer.

I could just see the board meeting for that one:

“Hey, let’s paint our drill bits pink! We’ll get all kinds of good press for supporting breast cancer!”

“Um, our chemicals cause breast cancer. We’re supposed to be supporting awareness of breast cancer, not supporting breast cancer itself.”

“Oh… Well, close enough. Paint ‘em pink and send out a press release.”

Usually I write my blog drafts on Monday, but by yesterday afternoon I had nothing but three boob jokes and an off-colour toast. (That’s three jokes about boobs, not jokes about three boobs… though I did, in fact, give my blogging buddy Linda Grimes a hard time about discovering a middle tit last week, so maybe that qualifies.)

I’m still clinging to the hope that my gray matter will cooperate and I’ll manage to write that post by next week. Meanwhile, all I’ve got is a joke that combines three of my favourite things: engineers, smart women, and raunchy humour (not necessarily in that order). Oh, and a boob reference, to, um, round things out:

An older male engineer and his young female counterpart were going out to inspect a site after the survey crew had finished. Wanting to impress the young engineer with the breadth of his knowledge and experience, the man turned to the woman as they got out of the truck and said, “We’ll get this done faster if we split up, so take whatever you need from the toolbox in the back of the truck. If we need to communicate at a distance we’ll use the secret engineering code.”

She nodded and they went their separate ways with the man chuckling inwardly. That showed how little she knew. The secret engineering code was something he’d just made up on the spur of the moment.

Looking back to enjoy her rear view, he tripped over a survey stake and knocked it over. By the time he got dusted off she was quite a distance away, watching his discomfiture with a grin. Embarrassed, he decided take her down a peg or two. He pointed to his eye, then his knee, then mimed a hammering motion. “Eye… kneed… the hammer.”

Expecting her to be completely bamboozled, he was startled and not a little perturbed when she shrugged, gripped her left boob, and then hoisted her hand into her crotch.

Frowning, he exaggerated his movements, pointing forcefully to his eye and knee and madly hammering the air. “EYE… KNEED… THE HAMMER!”

She scowled back and repeated her insulting gestures with even more emphasis.

Enraged, the male engineer strode toward her and she did the same, meeting him in the middle and looking just as irritated as he.

“What’s wrong with you?” the man demanded. “I need to pound in that stake. I told you very plainly, I NEED THE HAMMER.”

She replied, “I answered, you moron! Don’t you understand the secret engineering code? I LEFT TIT IN THE BOX!”

…And speaking of eye candy, I know I link to this video approximately every second year but just because I’m completely devoid of originality today, click here for my favourite reminder to get those breast self-examinations done!

22 thoughts on “Slime! You’re Eye Candy!”

  2. I was having problems adding a comment, so am diligently replying to the email. Diane, I went looking for the cartoon, but couldn’t pass up the Ode, so you are getting both.

    Ode to a Mammogram WomenMAMMOGRAM

    |   | |   | |   |   |   |   |   | | WomenMAMMOGRAM”Stand up very close” she said.   As she got my boob in line,   “And tell me when it hurts,” she said.   “Ah yes! There, that’s fine.”   She … | | | | View on haruth.com | Preview by Yahoo | | | |   |

     

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  3. On my father’s side of the family, cancer is pretty much how everyone goes. I’ve seen a lot of family members die from cancer. (Buying that house on Three Mile Island is starting to seem like a mistake.) However, in honor of breast cancer awareness, I’ve contracted pink-eye. It’s painful and annoying, but I think I’ve made my point.

    BTW What makes you think you’re not eye candy?

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  5. LOL! Great day in the morning and Lord, have mercy!
    Thank heavens, this just proves that while I may be in the over 50 (…60, er, 70?) group I sho’ ‘nuf ain’t dead yet.
    Shoot, here I thought I was too tired to work on my kitchen re-do today. Hahahaha, just found a whole big bunch of energy.
    Thanks for that video, I know what I have to look forward to in my next lifetime. Whew. (oh and of course the reminder of the mammogram. That’s serious business definitely)

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  7. I know about weeks like that. I refer to it as running into my own taillights.

    Loved the joke! Back in the day, I worked with two female engineers in my first engineering gig. One was decorative, but that’s about all. The light that shone from her eyes and smile came from the sun shining through the hole in the back of her head.

    The other was a staggeringly sharp Jill of all trades and just fun to be around. Before the ladies start screaming “Sexist!” let me say that the same ratio of ‘can do/can’t do’ pretty much applies to the male engineers I have worked with. Most became engineers because they couldn’t make it flipping burgers. 🙂

    But most importantly, how are you feeling this week? After the, er, pithing contest. That thounded theriouth.

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    • Thadly, it wath theriouth. I got pithed again this week, too. I’m much better, but still forbidden to go to gym. I’m going slowly mad, and the temptation to go downstairs and whale on my heavy bag is mounting. So far I’m behaving myself, though – I’m forced to admit that I just don’t feel well enough yet.

      And no offense taken re: the can/can’t-do ratio. I think that’s the same in any trade or profession regardless of gender.

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  8. Ha, great joke and even greater video! I love when the doctor is trying to get his head in the shot while he’s talking, but the camera just zooms in on the guy’s abs. The older doc had some of the best dancing moves at the end, too. I suppose the video is a bit sexist, but after what we women had to endure with Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines video, I think we’ve earned it…

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