Zombie Bullets

/ Diane Henders

Prepare for the impending zombiepocalypse!

Everywhere I turn, I’m reminded that zombies will soon overrun the earth.  In fact, a recent Calgary Herald article reported that an expert has rated Calgary as one of the best places to survive the zombiepocalyse.  Whew, that’s a relief.

I’ve been wondering why zombies are getting so much press lately.  I initially thought it might be because everybody’s tired of vampires, so zombies are the next option in the creepy catalogue.  That makes sense, because zombies are easier to relate to in real life.

I mean, really, what are the chances of seeing a vampire?  They crumble into dust at the slightest touch of daylight and cringe from silver and go up in smoke under holy water.  They’re not really that durable.  (Don’t talk to me about sparkly vampires.  I’m strictly old-school.)

Zombies, on the other hand, are practically indestructible.  Shoot ‘em; hack ‘em up; whatever.  They just pick up the pieces and keep on coming.  According to the ammunition experts at Hornady, you need special ammo for shooting zombies (not to mention a fully-automatic weapon).  No kidding, this is a real product.  I’ve seen it in stores.

But after careful consideration, I think zombies are looming as the next big threat because they’re real and they’re already living among us.

I know that’s a scary thought, but the truth is I encounter dozens of them every day.  Sometimes they’re on foot, but as a general rule they seem to prefer mechanical conveyances.

I’m sure you’ve seen them, too:  hunched in the driver’s seat, their deadened eyes staring straight ahead without any regard for road conditions or traffic.  Occasionally their rigor-mortis grip is locked on the steering wheel, but more often their nerveless hands clutch cell phones or coffee cups, or both at the same time while they drive with their knee (or some other appendage with a life of its own; I’ve always been afraid to look too closely).

Oblivious to the rest of us, they drive through red lights and stop signs, turn left from the far right-hand lane, and weave in and out of traffic deaf to horns and blind to the universal gesture of fellowship and goodwill that frequently accompanies horn-honking.

To combat this menace, I’d like to suggest a new kind of Zombie Bullets.  Like the Hornady product above, they would incorporate the all-important green colouring.  And they’re already available in standard paintball calibres.  Pair them with one of the new fully-automatic paintball guns and a heads-up automatic targeting system installed in our cars, and we’re all set to eradicate the latest zombie menace.

I realize that shooting a zombie’s car with a paint pellet won’t stop the zombie in question, but at least it’ll provide a warning for the rest of us.  When we see a vehicle dripping with green slime, we’ll be able to take evasive action.

And hey, it’d make police officers’ jobs easier, too:  “I’m sorry, sir, your car shows sixty-three distinct zombie-bullet hits.  I’m going to have to write you a ticket for driving without the influence of a brain.”

Ah, if only…

40 thoughts on “Zombie Bullets”

  1. Pingback: Snow Fun | Diane Henders

  2. I had to smile at the “Asian zombies”. Having spent a fair bit of time being driven around China in the 1990’s, I understand the problems they have in Canada. First, many never get a driver’s licence until they are well into adulthood, compared to kids here who are driving at 15 or 16. Second, the rules of the road are totally different. Not the written rules but the unwritten rules. A Canadian would not live long driving in China without lessons in local customs.
    On the lighter side, legend has it that many years ago an elderly American tourist in a Banff campground commented that it certainly was smart of Canadians to give all the terrible drivers yellow and black licence plates.

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  3. Well, I now have proof that the Zombie driver does exist. He lives right behind me on another street (thank God!) I can’t help but still be laughing, I know it isn’t the right thing to do in a situation like this but what the heck, who said I always do the “right thing?” The family has been rebuilding the house forever. They do it themselves, generally more than once and then have to call a contractor. The last few days they’ve been doing the garage. Finally got the frame up, the back wall etc. Still needs a roof tho’. I guess they decided to just park their truck in it anyway probably for the “look at it and dream factor.” LOLOL, Obviously they parked the one that had no breaks. Went through the back wall and then the sides fell in on the truck. Yep, my luck, I have a Zombie driver right behind me and he has off spring! I can’t sit on my back deck now without laughing my arse off. They cleaned up their fence line, again, lucky me, and now I can see their whole back yard. Unfortunately, they can see mine too. Ah well.

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      • I was in my kitchen which overlooks my back deck and yard and then across that is their property. I heard the initial crash and when I saw what happened I started laughing so hard I couldn’t hardly focus. Then, when I did re-focus I saw the sides fall in. I never have a camera with me when I need one but that will be in my memory banks for a long, long time. By the way, they still haven’t un-buried their truck yet. Oh my, if it wasn’t so sad it would be funny. Hell, it’s funny anyway! LOLOL

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        • Oh, man, I’m giggling uncontrollably just imagining it! I think the delayed-action wall collapse makes it even funnier. Those poor people – I feel guilty for laughing, but I can’t help it!

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  5. I’m one of those Zombies you write about, Diane. Either my Inner Zombie is trying to break out, or I’m infected by the more terrifying Outer Zombies! I was driving earlier today, and without thinking, I veered into another lane. I heard somebody sounding their horn, but it wasn’t aimed at me… how could it have been? And then later, I was waiting at the red traffic lights, when somebody behind me once again sounded their horn. I was about to set off, on red, when I noticed they were waving to someone on the other side of the road. It’s an epidemic, I tell you. One by one, we’re all becoming Zombies.

    I hope the green washes off… eek…

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  6. Brilliant post Diane!! Funny enough a few years back, Inion & I attended a conference where most of the small talk about what was going to be hot in the coming years was: Zombies & Biblical stories redone! And yes, they we’re right!! Like you we are “old-school” vampire girls preferring Anne Rice’s Vampires to Stephenie Meyers glittery teenagers!
    As for your Zombie post, loved the idea of the paint ball warning sign!! And coming from Florida originally we can assure you that the epidemic is on the rise!!! Great post sharing now! 😉

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  7. Brilliant. Though slightly flawed. The problem with today’s zombie driver is that they look just like the rest of us. Lining up at the DMV, you can’t tell. The guy or gal in the grocery checkout, you can’t tell. The jeans hanging down to their knees, they might not be zombies but deserve a couple rounds anyway, am I right or am I right!

    So, what’ll happen is this…..initially the true zombies will be targeting, found by the police with dripping green goo and removed from our roads, pause for the singing angels…and continue, but it’ll happen where you’ve two motorists fully armed and Jones-ing from not tagging a zombie in a week. One guy sneezes and jigs, just a hair in his own lane and becomes the recipient of a zombie ball in the ear. Ah, a zombie paint ball. Right. Anyway, now said recipient is a little put off by this, so cocking his weapon he launches a barrage of zombie balls at the first guy that would make a fresh fish in prison feel like he’d gotten away easy.

    True to form the exchanges of balls on the highway will escalate to epic proportions. Enough ball casings will litter our roadways to choke (insert name here) , ((okay there are a number of options here, I think it unfair of me to tag any specific individual or group when so many of you will have your own choices, so go back, insert the name and then continue)), to death. If you need some suggestions feel free to ask.

    A brilliant suggestion! What would happen in the winter though, wouldn’t the balls freeze, becoming lethal, not that that’s all bad mind you, when dealing with zombies.

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  10. I’m still laughing at the possibility of green slimed Zombie cars. Around here it would be hard to tell tho’, so many junkers it seems that all have that same “patina”. I can’t get into the Zombie mode tho’, just can’t stand them. Give me a good ol’ sexy Vampire any day. They are getting more modern too, given the “day walker” concept and all. LOL Your video is priceless, it just screams for Redneck Review time. It will go over great down here in the good ol’ South.

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  11. Oh, how I wish this were feasible around here. And, yannoh, legal. We have waaaay too many zombies of the kind you describe. Alas, I guess I’ll have to settle for taking them out in my imagination. *sigh*

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  13. I think you’ve found the perfect solution. Anything to get those cellphone users more aware of how crapily–not to mention, dangerously–they’re driving. (And I think I just made up the word ‘crapily.’)

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