Gassy And Shy

/ Diane Henders

You’d think ‘Gassy and Shy’ might be a comedy duo like ‘Beavis and Butthead’ or ‘Rocky and Bullwinkle’, but it’s not.  It’s… (drumroll please) …one of my delightful spammers!  Yes, today I’m offering another succulent serving of Spam Casserole.

So, poor old ‘G&S’ popped by my blog some time ago to confide “personally I can’t eat during the day for reasons unknown, I get puffed up, gassy, And shy”.

I’m touched by his/her trust in me.  I mean, imagine the courage it must have taken for that shy person to reveal such an intimate detail, not knowing whether I might heartlessly ridicule them in a public forum.

Oh, wait, I just did.

Guess I wasn’t as touched as I thought.

But I was truly touched to discover that none other than David Bowie took the time to visit my blog and check out my nudie picture… and he liked it!  At least, that’s according to the spam comment that appeared on that post:  “COME ONE NOW DAVID BOWIE HIMSELF LIKED IT.”  Personally, I always suspected David Bowie was batting for the other team, but what do I know?  Apparently my nudity is just that appealing.

And speaking of nudity and related sports, the latest crop of spammers seems to have an unwholesome interest in my sex life.  One alluded to it in euphemistic terms: “even I fulfillment you get right of entry to constantly rapidly”.  At least I think he/she was talking about sex.  It’s kinda hard to tell.

Another took the caring approach:  “My partner and i worry about your needs and that i truly mean that”.  Good to know, but my needs are well taken care of, thanks.

In fact, this blogger confirms it:  “you are marrying a great guy, you are very lucky, he is a great in bed, I should know, we have been sleeping together off and on for years”.

Alrighty, then.

I’m pretty sure I would have noticed an extra body in our bed, but I guess I’d better ask Hubby about it just to be sure.

My next visitor offered some valuable information:  “telefonsex religious service programs are the guys that experience extra reservations for aliveness”.

I didn’t realize telephone sex was part of any religious service programs, but I guess it’s a religious experience for some folks.  And it’s good to know ‘aliveness’ is one of the criteria for participants.  I’m not quite sure how telephone sex works for dead people.

Actually, that gives me a fabulous entrepreneurial idea:  telephone sex for necrophiliacs!  I’ll set up a 900 number with a recording of dead silence.  Shares are now on sale for my startup company ‘1-900-DEAD-ONE’ – buy in early before this one-of-a-kind opportunity ends!

…Oh, sorry, I got sidetracked for a minute there.

We were talking about spammers, and I should stay on-topic.  Because according to this visitor: “The good news in addition results in a great have an effect on your intellects of your companion.”

Oh, you poor suffering readers.  If I’d only known what I was doing to your intellects… but if you’ve read this far it’s already too late, because what have I offered you in terms of intellectual stimulation?

My final spammer sums it up neatly:  “The answer is zero. I beg your pardon.”

I do.  I truly do.

22 thoughts on “Gassy And Shy”

    • Wow, you must have better filters than I do! Or maybe it’s just because I have so many pages on my site that the spammers have lots to work with. If I don’t get at least fifty or sixty spam messages a day, I feel neglected. But in a good way. 😉

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  3. 1-900-Dead One! And religious phone sex, now I know I’m going to live. These kind of laughs can only help the heart! LOL
    I am also watching closely the progress on book 8. As with a couple other readers, I read while on the treadmill and have stated before that I read once and then always do the 2nd (sometimes more) read! Your books are some kind of addictive. The good kind of addiction for sure.

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  4. Hehehe! Gassy and Shy sounds like a joint where one can go and burp incognito, dressed in a hat, dark glasses and a long beige trenchcoat. It has to be beige. Good to see you’re getting the good spammers, Diane. I’m just getting the hundreds of links in Japanese ones at the moment.

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    • LOL! Oh, definitely beige! Yes, I got hundreds of Japanese-character ones, too – not nearly as entertaining, though I’d love to know what they actually say. Maybe I’ll run them through a translator and see what it makes of them – it might be funnier than the English-language spam!

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  7. After spending over an hour on my reader trying to figure out whose blogs WordPress unfollowed for me without my knowledge (arrgghh), this is exactly what I needed. So funny! Your spam is far more entertaining than mine. I seem to get mostly spam for designer shoes (hmm, maybe they’re trying to tell me something; guess I need to quit posting about my ugly man shoes).

    Really great post, Diane. Thanks for making me laugh. 🙂

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  8. “Telefonsex religious service”? Is that where someone breathes “OhGodOhGodOhGod…” into the receiver while they, um, “listen” to the person on the other end of the line?

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  9. Hi Diane, I have just finished “Spy, Spy Away”  A very good read as always. I must admit I read with relish and now have to go back and read again to savor!  Have turned one of my beading group friends into a fan of yours as well.  It’s a contest to see who reads your newest first!  We are looking forward to the next adventures of Aydan Kelly, and her fabulous men!  I’ve just posted a review on Amazon, 5 stars of course! Best to you, Peggi Laubenheim

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