Retroactive Weirdness

/ Diane Henders

This probably isn’t a revelation to anybody else, but I was a bit surprised this week when I realized the extent of my own weirdness.

I maintain a file of ideas and thought-snippets for my blog.  When something strikes me as odd or funny or disturbing, I pop it into the file.  Most of the 60 or so entries are only a sentence or two, and in the spirit of year-end cleanup I decided it was time to develop some of them into blog posts.

What’s more, I realized this post would fall on New Year’s Day.

“Well,” thought I, “What a fine opportunity to wrap up the year with a retrospective of some of the oddments I’ve discovered.”

Little did I know what a can of worms I was opening.  Here are a few of the items that amused me this year:

I discovered that it’s impossible to brush my teeth without making my nose wiggle.  And now that I’ve noticed it, it’s impossible to ignore.  I try, but I can’t look away.  Then I end up giggling and spluttering toothpaste everywhere.

I discovered that studies have been performed to determine how often people fart in a day.  That in itself tickled my funnybone, but when I found out that the testing apparatus included mylar underpants to trap and measure the emissions, I cracked up.  There’s just something hilarious about mylar underpants with a hose attached…

Also on that topic, I discovered that there is actually such a thing as fart-absorbing underwear with a built-in carbon filter.  It’s purported to control odour effectively, but there’s no word on how well it muffles the sound effects.  I guess you just have to blame the barking spiders for those.

And then there’s Poopourri, which, frankly, is right at the top of my “disturbing” list for many reasons, all of which are illustrated by this commercial.  Yes, this is actually a real product, and apparently it’s supposed to work.  I just… I got nothin’.

If you’ve managed to recover from that, here’s another goody I’ve been meaning to share with you, my poor suffering victims faithful readers:  In a small town named Torrington about an hour northeast of Calgary, there is a Gopher Hole Museum.  This museum consists entirely of dioramas containing dead, stuffed gophers dressed up and posed in various activities of human life.  Don’t believe me?  Check it out:  http://gopherholemuseum.ca/dioramas/  And yes, I went to see it, because it just had to be done.

Last but by no means least on the roster of weirdness, I discovered that it is apparently profitable to hoard food items long past the point where they are safe to consume or even possible to contemplate without gagging.  Yes, some guy sold a 20-year-old bottle of McDonald’s McJordan BBQ sauce for $10,000:  http://sports.nationalpost.com/2012/10/17/an-anonymous-buyer-spent-10000-on-20-year-old-mcjordan-barbeque-sauce/

More to the point; some wack-job bought a 20-year-old bottle of McDonald’s McJordan BBQ sauce for $10,000.  One word:  Eeuwwww.

I guess I’d better go excavate under the couch cushions and see if I can find some fossilized potato-chip crumbs.  They’ve gotta be worth something.  Or maybe a half-squished piece of two-year-old popcorn that looks like the face of some religious icon…

Come on, ‘fess up!  Somewhere in the back of your cupboard, you’re hoarding a box of Kraft dinner from 1972 that’s worth at least a grand.  Right?  …Right…?

* * *

I’m on the road this morning, so I’ll be back to reply to comments a little later in the day.  Talk to you soon!

34 thoughts on “Retroactive Weirdness”

  1. I’m the queen of hoarding food items — it’s inbred. My parents were Mormon with a secret room full of emergency food — and it rubbed off on me. Believe me, after eating a bowl of 6-year-old Honeycomb cereal, one could really use a Poopouri!

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    • Too funny! I have to admit a certain food-hoarding tendency, too – my dad grew up in the Depression years. But for me it translated into a need to never throw out even the tiniest leftover. It makes for some interesting meals… 😉

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  3. Hi Bigsheepcommunications,
    It is not just Canadian homes that are infested with barking spiders. Those pests are quite prevalent in Minnesota homes as well.
    I missed my chance to cash in on my Mom’s homemade preserve collection that was circa 1958 – 1968. Dang! It only made it to 2001.

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    • Aw, man, talk about missed opportunities! I once discovered a 12-year-old box of Kraft dinner in my (ex) mother-in-law’s cupboard, but I didn’t have enough foresight to save it. Instead, I cooked it just to see what would happen. It completely fell apart and turned into pasta porridge – gross, but my curiousity was satisfied.

      Good luck with those barking spiders! I haven’t found a way to eradicate them yet… 😉

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  5. Bahahahahaha! I love your weirdness..though it is quite interesting that most of your items involved the emission of gas and poop!
    I don’t know, Diane…I mean, when did natural human body functions start disturbing…humans. Burping, farting and pooping , plus of course peeing and at times the unfortunate puking happens…and to camouflage it…now that’s disturbing…no? I don’t know.

    And sorry 😦 I don’t have anything that’s way past the expiry dates hidden any where….well…ooo there are those candy canes of two years ago still quite there…gee..wonder what they put in it for them to still last THAT long!

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    • That’s exactly my dilemma with Poo-pourri. On one hand, I can’t understand why people are so ashamed and embarrassed about natural body functions. But on the other hand, I don’t necessarily want to smell other people’s natural body functions if I don’t have to…

      And hey, it wasn’t all poop and farts. I included dead gophers and rotten food, too.

      I’m so refined. 😉

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  6. One of my Aunts died in 1997. What did I want to take from the house! She had an unopened box of vintage Oxydol ( old, old, old Green box) laundry soap. LOL

    Too cold to go out in the garage (still have things out there when I moved in my house Aug. 2012) to see in-fact if there’s a trademark date on it. I wonder who would think it worthy enough to buy??? lol

    A Blessed New Year to you Diane.

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  9. I’ve seen that Poopourri commercial, too. At first I thought it was a hoax. What will they think of next? I don’t think I want to know.

    I, too, was on the road today–from New Hampshire to Ohio. I had some white-knuckled moments driving through iffy weather and snowy roads while my sons watched DVDs. Hardly seemed fair…

    Hope your travels were safe!

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    • Thanks! I was lucky – the iffy weather happened last night and I had bare tire tracks to follow today.

      I’m glad you made it safely to your destination, and I know what you mean about your sons’ happily oblivious travelling. But look at it this way – their unquestioning trust in your driving is a gift they’ll only get to keep until the first time they drive in dangerous conditions themselves. They may not believe in Santa Claus anymore, but they still believe in Mom. That’s gotta feel good. 🙂

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  10. Every time I read about some genius selling a Jesus-shaped cheese puff or a toasted sandwich with the face of Mary grilled into it for thousands of dollars I get all riled up and pick through a box or cereal or crackers searching for a flake or wafer which looks like a face or a figure. So far, all my cereal flakes have looked like cereal flakes, and all my crackers have looked like crackers. What are the odds of that?! On several occasions I have contemplated rigging my own “special toaster.”

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  13. I stumbled upon the Poopourri commercial that popped up ahead of the Youtube video I wanted. Although I could have opted out after the initial five seconds, I did not. I watched the whole 2:16 – mesmerizing.

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  14. An older fart study revealed that on average we produce 14 “episodes” a day. Not sure if they used mylar panties, or what???

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