Lately my brain has been semi-defective. It works most of the time, but every now and then it shorts out, leaving me standing there wondering what the hell I’d intended to do moments ago. Or I go to do one thing and end up doing something else entirely.
I hope it’s because I’m in the final intense writing phase of Book 7 and all my spare brain power is used up. I really hope it’s not permanent. And I really, really hope aliens didn’t sneak into my bedroom while I was asleep and swap out my brain for a substandard model. ‘Cause everybody knows there’s a big market for good used brains around Halloween, so it would make sense to manufacture some cheaper semi-defective ones.
I mean, really, there are lots of things that are apparently manufactured to be intentionally inferior.
Take cotton swabs, for example – one of my pet peeves. Any time I buy a generic brand, one end of the swab has a nice soft cotton tip and the other end is a hard plastic stick with a few shreds of cotton adhering to it, just enough to blunt the edges so it doesn’t actually slice the inside of my ear to pieces.
(Don’t bother reprimanding me for sticking cotton swabs in my ears. I know I’m not supposed to, but I’m a rebel. Sometimes I go out doors marked ‘In Only’. Sometimes I drink milk that’s a day past its ‘Best Before’ date. So sticking cotton swabs in my ears? I laugh in the face of danger! Ha-ha!)
If Q-Tips® can make cotton swabs with nice soft cotton tips on both ends, why are all generic cotton swabs semi-defective? Do aliens open up every single package and remove the cotton from one end of each swab?
Or is there a special cut-rate supplier for semi-defective manufacturing equipment?
I imagine the following sales pitch from SemDef Corporation: “Yeah, you could buy a machine that actually works, but for half the price, you can have a machine that only works half the time. Is that a deal or what?”
Which actually explains a lot about the generic food market, too. You know what I mean. If you buy Cheerios®, you get yummy Cheerios®. If you buy generic oatie-o cereal, you get something that tastes like the cardboard box it’s packed in.
It has the same ingredient list. There’s no sawdust or wallpaper paste in there. Not even the leftover cotton from the semi-defective swabs. So that means either they’ve somehow managed to screw up a simple recipe past the point of recognition, OR…
…SemDef also sells substandard food products: “Why spend extra money for top quality oats? For half the price, you can get oats that have been left out in the rain for a few days. All you have to do is scrape off the mouldy bits and ignore the grasshopper corpses, and you’re all set. Really, you’re going to process them past the point of recognition anyway. Who’ll know?”
Okay, I just grossed myself out.
And I’ve created a rambling blog post that connects cotton swabs, aliens, breakfast cereal, and grasshoppers. Yet another sabotage by my semi-defective brain.
Damn those aliens anyway.