The Happy Hoer

/ Diane Henders

As I mentioned a couple of years ago, I’m a hoer.  Very few people are willing to discuss this lifestyle openly and fewer still can comprehend enjoying it, but as you probably know by now, I’m a freak.  I love being a hoer.

Last week found me sweating in the hot sun at the side of the road, waving at passing cars as usual.  And I’m not ashamed to admit I’ll be doing it all summer long, as often as I can.  It’s a way of life for me.

But simply waving at cars seemed a little too passive, so I added pole-dancing to my repertoire just to attract a little more attention.

It was not a pretty sight.

If you’ve been following my Facebook page, you’ll know we spread approximately 10,000 pounds of compost and peat on our big vegetable garden about a month ago.  Hoeing in that beautiful, fluffy soil is pure joy.  Thanks to some perfectly-timed rain, almost everything has germinated, and last week it was time to put up the trellises for my snap peas and scarlet runner beans.

Since snow is unlikely (though not unheard-of) for the next couple of months, we use our snow-fence stakes to support the trellises.

(For those in warmer climates, snow fences are flexible fencing made of slats or perforated plastic and supported by six- to eight-foot-tall iron stakes pounded into the ground.  During the winter the fences control drifting snow by breaking the wind slightly, which causes snow to swirl and collect on the lee side of the fence.)

If you’ve ever tried to swing a 2½ pound hand sledge over your head hard enough to drive in a tall and heavy iron stake, you’ll see the difficulty here.  So, thanks to my nice soft soil, I push the stakes in first so I can reach them more comfortably with the sledge hammer.

It takes a lot of pressure to push those stakes in.  Fortunately, I’m no lightweight.  Put 155 pounds behind an iron stake, and it’s going somewhere… though not necessarily where you want it.

So there I am, hanging off the top of the stake with my legs drawn up to make sure I’ve got all my weight on it.

A car drives by, catching me in the act, and I start to giggle.  This does not improve my balance or coordination.

No, I didn’t fall on my ass.  That would have been decorous.

Instead I flailed my legs madly to maintain my balance without letting the stake topple.  And I laughed harder.

Then I realized how I must look, and I lost it completely.

Since I’m apparently quite allergic to dignity, I decided this was too funny not to share.  So, I give you:  The Happy Hoer.  (Yes, snow-fence posts are ribbed with iron protrusions every couple of inches.  I’m not sure why, but I can only surmise it’s “for greater sensation”.)

happy hoer

40 thoughts on “The Happy Hoer”

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  7. Probably one of my favorite posts Auntie. That had me holding my sides i was laughing so hard. Then your picture summed it up perfectly.

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  9. Looks like I may be getting a shady hoer corner to hoe in this summer. Not much traffic, but I bet the view from the neighbor’s window will be optimal. I made even put out a tip jar: “Buy this hoer a cover-all!” Thanks for the inspirational illustration. I aspire to your hoerness. 🙂

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    • Ooh, congratulations! it’s a time-honoured profession. You might want to stick to the basics and skip the pole-dancing in the beginning, though. It took me quite a few years to work up to that. 😉

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  10. I am so glad that you admitted to being a “hoer”. I am a male hoer. I enjoy it immensely. My hoer business started a long time ago and I have worked myself up to once a day now. I like to do it in the morning when it is cooler down here. I usually, now that I am retired, only do it for about two hours a day. My hoering has helped me produce some of the best things that I have ever done. My corn is 6 feet high, I have already gotten a bushel of potatoes out of one 30 foot row and I have two more rows to go. I have a bushel of pinto beans and still have two rows to go. Cabbage is looking great. Including the leaves, a plant couldn’t fit in a washtub. The heads on those are about 4 pounds right now and still growing. Watermelon and cantaloupe vines are running well and should be producing in about a month. Sunflowers are over 6 feet high. I love to hoer around all morning long. The rewards are just great. Hope yours are doing well. Have a good day.

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    • I’m so glad to know a male hoer, especially one who’s so active in “retirement”! 🙂 And I’m absolutely green with envy over your garden. My peas just emerged about 10 days ago, the sunflowers haven’t even put out their first true leaves, and I can only dream of growing corn and watermelon and canteloupe. Even zucchini barely begins to produce before the fall frost – I usually get two or three 8″ – 9″ zukes per hill, and that’s it. But there’s nothing like the taste of those fresh veggies – makes it all worthwhile!

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    • LOL! It’s hard to believe I could find a way to embarrass myself out in the middle of the country on a mostly-deserted gravel road, but I guess I’m just gifted that way. I’d probably break the webcam, too.

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  15. Ido my hoeing in clay which makes it harder work than your fluffy stuff – on the plus side I suspect the extra firmness would better support any pole dancing attempts I might wish to make.

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  18. I do love your illustrations, though the iron protrusions concern me. Do you wear some sort of protective gear for that?

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