WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT (but only if you have a dirty mind to start with)
Tomorrow is the start of Movember! Guys, this is a great time to do two things:
- Grow a mo’ to show your support for men’s mental health and prostate cancer awareness; and
- Yeah, be a man – go see your doc and get your prostate checked. Us wimminfolk want to keep you around for a while.
I’m happy to support the cause, partly because men in my family have dealt with both prostate cancer and mental health issues, and also because I’m a big fan of facial fungus.
So to kick off Movember, I’m offering my Mo’ Bros some mo’ advice from moi (a moustache connoisseur). Let’s begin:
Wax Job: Size Does Matter
Yeah, I know it’s on the official Movember site, but this one just doesn’t do it for me. It’s too little and pointy. Yes, I am talking about the moustache. Sheesh. But think about it. Do you really want the ladies thinking “too little” when they look at you? And that dainty wee curl at the end just creeps me out.
Here’s a yummy ‘stache. Nice and full in the middle, with a graceful twist at the end. If those ends twirl less than 180 degrees, you’re rockin’ the wax job. More than 180, and you’re slithering back into “Villain” territory.
Goatee: So Many Ways To Go Wrong
Sparse, shapeless goatee with a too-short mo’? Here’s what I see:
What does that look like to you? Guys, if a woman wants to kiss that, she’s probably batting for the other team. Shave some shape into your goatee so we’re sure what we’re looking at.
But not this much shape. Points for creativity, but… no. Just no.
Bushy is fine, but we don’t want to have to munch through your last meal on our way to your lips. Trim up the ‘stache a bit so we can see where we’re going.
This can really work for a guy with a fantastic chiselled jawline, but it seems… noncommittal. Give me a little more gusto.
Mmmm. Nice and thick, but trimmed so a girl can still find lips in there. And all those whiskers are gonna feel gooooood.
Walrus: Less Is More
Thanks to Madame Weebles for bringing Nietzsche’s ‘stache to my attention and providing the inspiration for this post. This is a classic case of “too much of a good thing”. If it looks as though you’ve got a small mammal strapped to your upper lip, you’ve gone too far.
What can I say? Besides, “Oh, hell yeah!”
Total Fails: ‘Nuff Said
In the first place, it looks like something crawled out of his nose to take a rest on his upper lip. In the second place, hello. Hitler. He’s on the left. That’s Charlie Chaplin on the right, and while his film persona was endearing, I’ve heard he was a vicious little shit in real life. It was probably the moustache that did it.
Okay, if you can actually manage this by the end of Movember, I’ll be suitably impressed. But guys, do you really want to make it impossible for the ladies to get near your lips? No, I didn’t think so. Give this one a miss.
What’s your favourite mo’?
P.S. Thank you so much to the lovely Linda Grimes for hosting my inappropriate behaviour on her Visiting Reality blog this past weekend. Pop on over there to see the interview, and don’t forget to pick up a copy of her fabulously funny book, IN A FIX.
P.P.S. Thanks to Le Clown for starting Bloggers for Movember. In support of the cause, I’ll donate half the November royalties from my paperback and e-book sales to the Cancer Society. Unfortunately, that’s not as generous as it sounds (I only make a couple of bucks a book), but it’ll send a few dollars their way. If you know somebody who might enjoy my books, they’ll be contributing to a good cause if they buy from any of my channels before November 30, 2012. Thanks, everybody!