Bro Bulletin: Mo’ Advice For Movember

WARNING:  EXPLICIT CONTENT (but only if you have a dirty mind to start with)

Tomorrow is the start of Movember!  Guys, this is a great time to do two things:

  1. Grow a mo’ to show your support for men’s mental health and prostate cancer awareness; and
  2. Yeah, be a man – go see your doc and get your prostate checked.  Us wimminfolk want to keep you around for a while.

I’m happy to support the cause, partly because men in my family have dealt with both prostate cancer and mental health issues, and also because I’m a big fan of facial fungus.

So to kick off Movember, I’m offering my Mo’ Bros some mo’ advice from moi (a moustache connoisseur).  Let’s begin:

Wax Job:  Size Does Matter

The Villain: No.

Yeah, I know it’s on the official Movember site, but this one just doesn’t do it for me.  It’s too little and pointy.  Yes, I am talking about the moustache.  Sheesh.  But think about it.  Do you really want the ladies thinking “too little” when they look at you?  And that dainty wee curl at the end just creeps me out.

The Civil War: Yes!

Here’s a yummy ‘stache.  Nice and full in the middle, with a graceful twist at the end.  If those ends twirl less than 180 degrees, you’re rockin’ the wax job.  More than 180, and you’re slithering back into “Villain” territory.

Goatee:  So Many Ways To Go Wrong

The… Um… Kitty-Cat: No!

Sparse, shapeless goatee with a too-short mo’?  Here’s what I see:

Same pic, cropped & rotated

What does that look like to you?  Guys, if a woman wants to kiss that, she’s probably batting for the other team.  Shave some shape into your goatee so we’re sure what we’re looking at.

The Creative Thinker: No.

But not this much shape.  Points for creativity, but… no.  Just no.

The Thicket: No.

Bushy is fine, but we don’t want to have to munch through your last meal on our way to your lips.  Trim up the ‘stache a bit so we can see where we’re going.

The Skinny: Meh.

This can really work for a guy with a fantastic chiselled jawline, but it seems… noncommittal.  Give me a little more gusto.

The Whiskery Shivers: Yes!

Mmmm.  Nice and thick, but trimmed so a girl can still find lips in there.  And all those whiskers are gonna feel gooooood.

Walrus:  Less Is More

The Weasel: No.

Thanks to Madame Weebles for bringing Nietzsche’s ‘stache to my attention and providing the inspiration for this post.  This is a classic case of “too much of a good thing”.  If it looks as though you’ve got a small mammal strapped to your upper lip, you’ve gone too far.

The Selleck: Yes!

What can I say?  Besides, “Oh, hell yeah!”

Total Fails:  ‘Nuff Said

The Hitler: No, No, NO!

In the first place, it looks like something crawled out of his nose to take a rest on his upper lip.  In the second place, hello.  Hitler.  He’s on the left.  That’s Charlie Chaplin on the right, and while his film persona was endearing, I’ve heard he was a vicious little shit in real life.  It was probably the moustache that did it.

The WTF: Erm… No.

Okay, if you can actually manage this by the end of Movember, I’ll be suitably impressed.  But guys, do you really want to make it impossible for the ladies to get near your lips?  No, I didn’t think so.  Give this one a miss.

What’s your favourite mo’?

P.S. Thank you so much to the lovely Linda Grimes for hosting my inappropriate behaviour on her Visiting Reality blog this past weekend.  Pop on over there to see the interview, and don’t forget to pick up a copy of her fabulously funny book, IN A FIX.

P.P.S. Thanks to Le Clown for starting Bloggers for Movember. In support of the cause, I’ll donate half the November royalties from my paperback and e-book sales to the Cancer Society.  Unfortunately, that’s not as generous as it sounds (I only make a couple of bucks a book), but it’ll send a few dollars their way.  If you know somebody who might enjoy my books, they’ll be contributing to a good cause if they buy from any of my channels before November 30, 2012.  Thanks, everybody!

36 Comments

Filed under Commentary, Humour, Life

36 responses to “Bro Bulletin: Mo’ Advice For Movember

  1. Pingback: Who Wants To Stroke My Goatee? « The Write Transition

  2. Who are you and where have you been my whole life?! LOL. Don’t worry, I’m no stalker, or sicko-F/A/fan, that latches onto a blog site with personality and drains it dry! I will say however, you have one of the best sense of humors I have yet to come across! And nicely balanced, without the baggage of male-enduced-floggings . Believe me, we’ve come across these Baracuda sites. Women clearly bitter and pissed off with the male gender, dedicating web-space & time, as their venting tools. Which is fine. To each is own. But yours, though comical, is laced with genuine respect and love for those of the opposite sex, yet written with a strong female voice that’s appealing to both men & women! Good for you sweetie.
    As I began reading your post, with my writing partner and daughter, the laughter carried out of our writing room, thru the hall, and down the stairs to my mothers room. We have three generations living under the same roof. (Mother, Daughter and grand-daughter!) Therefore Diane, you had three different aged women, (early 20’s, mid forties & 70), all hovering over my laptop laughing hysterically at your post.
    I absolutely enjoyed Bro Bulletin, and can promise you that all three women, will be visiting often to get our daily fix of Diane Henders. So happy to have found you by way of mutual blogging friend, Carrie Rubin. Thanks for the happy hour.

    Like

    • Nice to “meet” you! Glad you’re not a stalker. 🙂

      You’re right, I’m a big fan of the male of the species (most of them, anyway). Thanks for visiting, and for your kind words. Hopping over to your blog now…

      Like

  3. I’ll go for the Snidely Whiplash look.

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  4. So, I should not wax my mustache this month? I’m not sure Cap’n Firepants would appreciate that…

    Like

  5. Oh dear…I sent my comment to this post as a message to you! O.O….sigh..lesson learned…don’t try to comment on posts when wordpress blog is totally not formatted…(now it is…which is why I’m bravely commenting..hehe)

    Like

  6. Geoffrey Cubbage

    And here I just shaved my mo’ (so I could cross-dress for Halloween, obviously). But I suppose that’s the point, right? Start with a blank slate and do the best you can in a month’s time…say, this doesn’t have anything to do with NaNoWriMo, does it?

    I had forgotten about the whole Movember thing until I read your blog, but maybe I will take advantage of my newfound bachelorhood to actually grow the mo’. The previous lady was not a fan…then again, the previous lady kinda batted for the other team. So! You live and learn, and maybe you grow a mo’. You dash for a ‘stache. You…trail there for some facial hair?

    I’ll keep working on that one.

    Like

    • Right on, Geoffrey – go for the mo’! (NaNoWriMo’…?)

      Sorry to hear things didn’t work out with the previous lady. Or are you at the stage where I should say congratulations? Anyway, be assured that a mo’ attracts women of taste such as myself.

      Wait, why are you running away?

      Nice to hear from you again – thanks for popping by. 🙂

      Like

  7. Mmmmm, nice orientation. I hate facial hair. It’s like …. bbbbrrrrrrrrrrruuuuucccckkkk. Some of those pictures just creep me out. However, I am going to do something for Movember. If you ask nicely I might even let you join in (and wash your mind out right there!).

    Good post, Diane 🙂

    Cheers!

    Like

  8. The worst is the skinny! If that’s all a guy can muster, it is best to stay clean shaven in my opinion. Unless it’s for Movember of course.

    Like

  9. What you do to the English language… And to moustaches in general. You forgot the cowboy handlebar. Shame and you live in Calgary too.

    Like

  10. That rotated mustache made me laugh out loud. I’d never thought of it that way, but I can see now why I’ve ever never been a big fan of it. Great post!

    Like

  11. Even though I am not a fan of mustaches, I loved this post. Your cropped and rotated image was hilarious. And gross. I’m not against facial hair, I’m just not a fan of a bare mustache. I like a beard or goatee to back it up.

    Nice of you to donate proceeds. You’re cool that way. 🙂

    Like

  12. Le Clown

    Diane,
    “Same pic, cropped & rotated”? HAHAHAHAHA. You made Le Clown laugh! You should tell all of your friends. You’ll see, people will want to touch you.
    Le Clown
    PS: I shared your post on our Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/bloggersformovember. Thank you for helping us raise awareness and funds. Truly.

    Like

    • If I made Le Clown laugh, then my work here is done… for this week. Stay tuned for the Bro Bulletin Questions of Doom – Movember series. 🙂

      Thanks for visiting and commenting! And thanks for sharing my link.

      Like

      • Le Clown

        Diane,
        See you soon, ok? Now I have to prepare my kids for Halloween, and make them do my bidding. The one who will bring me the most candies will keep his/her room, and will be fed more than once a day.
        Le Clown

        Like

  13. I sometimes dream that I have a beard…. I don’t think I want to know what that means… hopefully only that I am a little cold.

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  14. My lips are allergic to my facial hair, so I have to be careful with my mustache, Diane. As soon as it starts to grow, it has to go… otherwise my lip looks as though it’s covered in hundreds of cold sores. OK not hundreds but you get what I mean. It’s a good idea for those who can grow them, Diane. Hope they raise lots of awareness.

    Like

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