I Can Type With A Banana In My Hand

/ Diane Henders

That isn’t a euphemism, though it might be fun if it was.  In case you’re wondering, I can also type with a banana in my mouth, and you can just get your mind out of the gutter right now.

I know I shouldn’t type with a banana in my hand. I’m well aware of the effects of mashed banana on the usefulness and mean-time-to-failure of keyboards.

And I learned years ago about the deleterious effects of multi-tasking when someone (no, neither Hubby nor I) cremated a chicken while watching television in the basement.  Until then, I didn’t know it was possible to start with a dead chicken immersed in boiling water and end up with a half-melted pot containing a crispy black cinder.

We first detected the stench from more than a quarter-mile away.  When we arrived, a thick pall of reeking smoke obscured the main floor of the house.  It took days to air the place out.  Nobody was happy by the end of that episode, though I’m pretty sure the chicken was past caring.

I blame the internet for my current multi-tasking disorder.  Before we had internet (yes, I am that old), I had to make a concerted effort to be distracted.  I had to get out of my chair, look out the window, drift down to the kitchen to graze on whatever snacks might be handy, whatever.

Now my ass takes root in my desk chair while I write, email, text, tweet, phone, check RSS feeds and surf the web.  I’ve gotten so used to doing umpteen things at once, I caught myself bouncing up from the table several times during lunch to rush off and do something else.  I actually had to force myself to sit in the chair and eat an uninterrupted meal.  That may be a way of life for people with families, but I don’t even have kids (unless you count my puerile brain).

Some people are good at multi-tasking.  I’m not.  I can’t even listen to music while I’m writing.

That doesn’t stop me from trying.

The other day, I found myself in the kitchen slicing zucchini and loading it into the dehydrator.  Jars were sterilizing in my canner, a big pot of jam boiled on the stove, and my laptop was open on the couch so I could work in between kitchen tasks.  When the phone rang, I fired up the hands-free and carried on canning jam while occasionally zipping over to reference my laptop.

Disaster didn’t strike that time, but I could easily have poured the jam into the dehydrator, stuck zucchini slices in the laptop, and dumped the phone into boiling water.  Try explaining that to the caller at the other end of the line.

I’d like to say I plan to turn over a new leaf, but it’d be a lie.

‘Scuse me, gotta go – my chicken’s overheating.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

P.S.  Hell, who am I kidding?  One of the great joys of life is creating filthy innuendos whenever possible.  Go for it.  You know you want to.  And you know I’ll laugh.

28 thoughts on “I Can Type With A Banana In My Hand”

  1. Any guy who ever watched porn on the web could type with a banana in his hand. Reminds me of the guy who went to the Dr because his male member was turning orange. Dr said is is a reaction to something at work and the guy says no, I am unemployed; do nothing but watch porn and eat cheezies all day.

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  2. Pingback: Lessons Learned From Blogger’s Books « The Write Transition

  3. In my bachelor days me and my room mate discovered a slow cooker at a garage sale. We were ecstatic because everyone always says all you gotta do is throw a roast in it and put it on low all day while you are at work and voila! instant awesome right? Well we did that. 9 hrs later we got home to a house leaking bits of rank smoke out the upstairs windows and the whole main floor was full. We immediately tossed it out into the nearest snowdrift and after a couple hrs of arguing and investigating, we realized it was not a slow cooker. It was a deepfryer. Good times.

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  5. There needs to be some sort of prize for that blog title.

    I multi-task too, not always efficiently but I can’t help myself. I haven’t made a colossal mess yet but then again, my multi-tasking is usually all paper or computer related. If I were to try to make jam, slice cucumber, sterilize jars, and bunch of other things at the same time, I know much tragedy would ensue.

    What kind of jam did you make, anyway?

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    • Hmmm, good point. There might have been little teeny voodoo dolls hidden in all that billowing smoke. That might explain the chronic pain I’ve had in my butt ever since… oh wait, never mind. That’s just those damn alien probes. Lucky you wrote about them today, or I’d be worried about bad juju.

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  8. type with one banana in your hand? I am not impressed by your pe-fo-mance (per GSP quote)…lol.
    You GOTTA check out product called ‘Lenova multimedia remote with keyboard model# N5901’. This product allows you to fully control a PC with one hand, keyboard and trackball included. In other words, you can fully control TWO PCs with two lenova devices, one in each hand! The feeling is like wielding two lightsabers! Can you imagine the jump in your productivity with this stuff? lol

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  10. I can’t even pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time (or is it rub my head and pat my tummy?). But I can walk and chew gum at the same time. Years ago I was in line to apply for a job at a cashier at a glorified roadside fruit & veggie stand. I overheard the boss say, “All I need are people who can chew gum and walk at the same time.” (Apparently the last group of hires lacked this crucial skill.) I thought to myself, “YES! I can do that. I’ve done it before.” Oddly, I was hired without being asked to demonstrate this talent. The point of this story is to be a lead-in to my filthy innuendo contribution:

    Every night, the girls neatly lined up the peaches, and then a guy would come in and spray them . .

    (with insecticide).

    OK I guess you had to be there. 😉

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  11. I’m not a fan of multi-tasking. I’m never quite as productive as I’d be if I just stuck to one thing at a time. So I try to avoid it. That being said, however, I can multi-task like a champ in the kitchen. I can make supper, empty the dishwasher, make lunches, set the table, wash and slice fruit for the fridge, and more–all before the meal’s ready. I’ve got the simmering and other cooking pauses down to an art. But then, after all that work, I have to watch my family devour the food in five minutes. Talk about a small return.

    Glad you didn’t put zucchini slices in your laptop. Or banana mush. But there’s always tomorrow…

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