Oh, Balls!

/ Diane Henders

The other day a conversation with a female friend turned into a roundabout discussion that began with fruit, took a rapid detour to testicles, and ended with dirty limericks.  I can’t name the friend without potentially embarrassing the innocent man whose mangoes we were discussing, but the guilty party knows who she is.  I’m pretty sure I can still hear her giggling.

Anyway, I started to wonder why limericks lend themselves so admirably to off-colour content.  Maybe it’s something about the rhyme structure.  You just never see an obscene sonnet or haiku.  (Though if you know any, feel free to enlighten me.)

Most of the limericks I know are so vile I only recite them in the wee hours of the morning at a keg party, after I’ve set my glass aside and begun to drink directly from the pitcher for the sake of efficiency.  The last time that happened was many years ago, and it’s unlikely to happen again anytime soon.

But I still consider it one of my finer achievements to make a dozen inebriated guys gag simultaneously and flee the area.  Abandoning the keg, no less.  That was some limerick.  Needless to say, I won’t be including it in this post.  I can’t afford to lose readers.

I have no idea why I retain dirty limericks on the tip of my brain for instant retrieval when I can’t remember useful information like my sister’s not-so-new-anymore phone number.  And maybe I should be concerned that I can recite three limericks about testicles without a moment’s thought.

Here are the ones that sprang immediately to mind:

There was a young man from Boston
Who drove around in an Austin.
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost ‘em.

Or how about this one:

There was a young man from Devizes
Whose balls were of two different sizes.
One was so small
It was no ball at all,
But the other one won several prizes.

Or:

There was a young man from Madras
Whose balls were made out of brass.
He’d bang them together
To play stormy weather,
And lightning shot out of his ass.

Frankly, that last one never made much sense to me since I happen to know brass won’t create a spark no matter how much you bang it together, but whatever.  It makes a good rhyme.

Maybe dirty limericks are so popular because they’re easy to create (and let’s face it, a lot of people have dirty minds).  Since I happen to believe there’s always room for more bad poetry in the world, here’s my attempt:

There once was a woman from Cowtown
Whose crudity made strong men bow down.
Though they tried to harass her,
They couldn’t surpass her.
The Queen of Vulgarity’s now crown’d.

Anybody else have dirty limericks lurking top-of-mind?  Or, more shockingly, clean limericks?  Do share.

Or feel free to get creative and make up one of your own.  I dare you.

46 thoughts on “Oh, Balls!”

  1. One I found and made me laugh:

    There once was a man with no balls
    They said that his name was Jean
    And once they had fled
    Then all the people said
    There goes poor Jean with no balls

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  2. In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
    Complacently fondling his madam.
    His face shone with mirth,
    For in all of the earth
    There were only two balls, and he had ’em.

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  6. How on EARTH did I miss this post? Where have I been? Sheesh!

    My all time favorite is a story my father tells. He went to an RAF base while we were overseas, and came back with this story of how the Brits tell limericks. The story goes that the Major heard this from an Aussie bloke while serving down under:

    There was a young fellow named Skinner
    Who took a young lady to dinner.
    She wanted to wine
    and she wanted to dine
    and by quarter to nine it was in her.
    Not dinner – Skinner!

    And so the Major came back to England and told his Sergeant:

    There was a young fellow named, ah, Tupper, yes, that was it,
    Who took a young lady to supper.
    She wanted to wine
    and she wanted to dine
    But by quarter to nine it was up her.
    Not the supper, but it wasn’t Tupper either, damn it, I think it was some bounder named Skinner!

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  7. A blogger of great repute named Diane
    Started writing about globes of the man
    What fun topic
    That she did pick
    I should just contribute as I can

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  8. Insomnia has its advantages. It made me remember a PG-13 dirty limerick.

    While Titian was mixing rose madder
    His model reclined on a ladder
    Her position to Titian
    Suggested coition
    So he leapt up the ladder and had ‘er

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  10. This is a very tame limerick, but It’s the best I can do for today:

    There is an old man named Bob
    Who works very hard at his job.
    Though he sweats like a horse
    We say nothing, of course,
    Though we all think he’s kind of a slob

    I tried, too. Loved the post!

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  11. Good laugh, Diance, and I just knew you’d go where others daren’t tread (so to speak).

    Mary had a little lamb
    Its fleece was white as snow
    Everywhere that Mary went
    the lamb was sure to follow
    So she tied it to a fence.

    Mary had a little lamb
    It wouldn’t stop a-grunting
    So she tied it to a five bar fence
    And kicked it’s little …. in

    Ok, ok, I’m in a rush. Actually that’s a lie, I’m just crap at poetry.

    Cheers

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    • LOL! That’s the beautiful thing about limericks – crap is gold! And every time I hear “sheep” and “fence” in the same sentence, I think of the joke about the cowboy, the city slicker, and the sheep.

      In case you haven’t heard it, here goes:

      A city slicker moves to the country, but just a couple of days after he arrives, his car breaks down out in the middle of nowhere. A cowboy happens by in his pickup truck and offers the city slicker a ride to the nearest town.

      As they’re driving along the deserted country road, the cowboy spots a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. He slams on the brakes, jumps out of the truck, drops his pants, and has his way with the sheep.

      As he turns to meet the city slicker’s wide-eyed stare, he grins and says, “Go on, your turn. Get a taste of living in the country.”

      The city slicker says, “Well… okay.”

      So he drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence…

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  12. Those are great! I have never actually heard a dirty limerick in its entirety, so it was nice to finally get to read some! I was beginning to think they were some kind of urban myth…

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    • I’m glad I could be of service. 🙂 It’s so sad that there are many people who’ve never been introduced to the limerick as an art form. I think high school English classes would be vastly improved by the addition of some naughty limericks. It would be a riveting way to teach rhyme structure…

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  15. The trouble with limmericks is that every thing seems to rhyme with Pat or Bean. I discovered that when I had a limmerick writing colleague when I was working for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram way too long ago.

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    • I had a heck of a time finding anything to rhyme with “Cowtown”, but I can see where you’d have exactly the opposite problem. I hope today’s post didn’t bring back too many obnoxious memories.

      Hmmm, maybe you should mention your colleague’s name – I’m sure the creative folks who comment here could come up with some doozies as payback. 🙂

      Thanks for visiting and commenting!

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  16. Ok, here you go. They aren’t real good, but they keep with the theme:

    Two little treasures
    Tucked up in tighty whities
    No babies for you!

    or…

    Hands stuffed down their pants
    Men love to hold their testes
    They keep cold hands warm.

    Yeah, the haiku doesn’t carry the same punch.

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  18. Lots of loud laughter coming from T-Town Ala. I am so glad HF introduced us.PS ; you would never loose me as a loyal fan.Have a great writing day. 🙂

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  20. Oh my gawd! I LOVE dirty limericks. Hubs & I like to make them up for each other. Here’s one of my faves:

    *ahem*

    There once was a man named McDuff
    Who liked to play golf in the buff.
    With one mighty swing
    He knocked off his thing,
    And lost both of his balls in the rough.

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  21. There once was a gal from the hills
    Who had trouble paying her bills
    A gal from the valley
    Said “Visit the alley,
    I hear you can charge guys for thrills”

    Well, at least I tried. lol

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  23. Okay, you made me laugh out loud, but I feel positively inadequate that I don’t know a single limerick – clearly I didn’t drink enough during my college days.

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