There are a quite a few disorders with evocative names like tennis elbow, tailor’s bunion, and vibration white finger. Though it sounds like it should fit it this category, I’m not including plumber’s butt in the list because the person afflicted with it is completely oblivious while the innocent bystanders suffer. And I’m not going to make a crack about that. (Yeah, okay, I couldn’t help it.)
Recently, though, I discovered another less serious but equally irritating affliction: soup nose. I’ve had it all my life, but thanks to my step-mom I’ve finally discovered its correct name.
Why is it that as soon as I eat something hot, my nose runs? After exhaustive research (with a couple of friends and a few cold beers), I’ve determined that this is a widespread, medically neglected phenomenon. And there’s no good way to deal with it politely.
In private, it’s easy. One good nose-honk and the problem’s solved, though I do have an unfortunate tendency to attract flocks of amorous Canada geese with that method.
But in polite company, what does one do? Fleeing the table to seek the necessary privacy for goose imitations isn’t always feasible. Then I have to fall back on the tissue-dabbing method, which, frankly, is annoying as hell. Not to mention conspicuous when I do it for the umpteenth time.
I was eating soup the other day when a burning question popped into my mind: Does the Queen get soup nose?
Think about it. Here’s a woman who’s lived all her life in the public eye. It’s not like she can jump up from the table at a state dinner and scuttle off to the loo for a good old nose-honk. But you never see her dabbing at her nose with a tissue.
I mean, really. Can you imagine the Queen harbouring a nasty little snot-soaked tissue stuffed up her sleeve like Grandma used to do? I’m pretty sure the Queen is above snot-soaked tissues.
So that leaves me with three possibilities:
- The Queen simply doesn’t get soup nose. It’s beneath her.
- Nobody ever serves the Queen anything hot. She eats all her meals cold or tepid. Or…
- Somebody has found a cure for soup nose!
In case one or two, I’m out of luck. Pretty much nothing’s beneath me, and cold / tepid just isn’t my style.
But… I live in hope that there’s a cure out there. Some miraculous drug or process by which I could actually stay seated for an entire hot meal. I haven’t been able to find it yet, but if you hear about anything, let me know.
And since I’m on this low-brow subject anyway, I’ll leave you with the following bit of doggerel left over from my childhood. I don’t know who the original author was, but I’ll credit them if I ever find out.
So you’re kissing with your honey
And your nose is kind of runny
And you think it’s kind of funny
But it’s snot.
Probably the author prefers to remain nameless…
Author Diane Henders 
I think it would be interesting to hear from HRH if she does get soup nose. After all she is a human like the rest of us.
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That’s very true! It would be fun to know what HRH really says and does when she’s not in the public eye! 🙂
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OMG! I have suffered this affliction for years, and never knew it had a name – or that anyone else had this problem. Thanks for making me feel less weird.
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We weirdos need to stick together. 🙂
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ROF,L! Love your doggeral.
And the Queen may not be prone to soup nose (great name for an affliction!) but I have it on good authority that she knocks back tequila shots at the local on her birthday. (At least, according to one of the characters in my book. And, really, what higher authority could there be?)
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Right on – pass the salt! Hope she doesn’t get Tequila Nose.
P.S. I can hardly wait to read your book!
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Diane, I wrote that poem when I was just a lad, but failed to copyright it. Yes, I blew it! Now that’s a crack. Not a plumbers, but a wise. The nose thing happens because you are eating too fast and forgetting to breath. If you breath in while eating, your snot will run down your throat with your soup. Ah, the delightful images that bloggers give us. All joy in riding, not running. HF
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Ah, the mystery of Soup Nose revealed. ‘Scuse me while I go gargle some snot. Or… was that too much information?
I knew the original author of that little ditty would step forward sooner or later – too bad about your copyright. You could’ve made billions off an entire generation of obnxious little kids. 🙂
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I had never heard that little ditty… but it’s my kind of poetry!
And I just can’t go out in cold weather without my nose leaking like niagara falls. So is it hot soup AND cold air?
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You’re right – I didn’t think of that. There’s probably some incomprehensible medical explanation, but the whole thing seems like a bit of a design flaw to me. 🙂
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Well I don’t get *that* soup nose. I have the kind you get from drinking soup straight from the bowl. 🙂
My guess is if the queen ever had the soup nose you describe, she had an operation to “fix” it decades ago. And she probably never even heard of my kind of soup nose. But I bet she does have a severe case of teacup pinkie. It’s a royally inherited disorder, like hemophilia, prognathism, pituitary hormone deficiency, and distal renal tubular acidosis.
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LOL! I get Ice Cream Nose sometimes, too, caused by over-enthusiastic and inaccurate consumption of ice cream cones. And I’m sure you’re right about Teacup Pinkie. 🙂
P.S. I just had to go and look up those other conditions. The poor royals.
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I’m one of the afflicted, Diane, although I never realised it until you have pointed it out to me. So, I get colds in the winter (and sometimes summer) Hay Fever in the summer (and sometimes winter) and soup nose / curry nose / beans on toast nose at any / every other time. My nose must be permanently in the ‘on’ position… one would hope a cure is available!
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Ah, Curry Nose. A distinct subset of Soup Nose that may require extensive research on my part. My mouth is watering – I haven’t had good curry in a long time!
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You must write to her royal highness and ask for her sage advice. Perhaps she does have a royal hankie up her sleeve.
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Good plan. I’m sure she’ll take the time to reply. After all, this isn’t some frivolous inquiry – we’re talking critical medical research here.
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