If You’re Reading This, I’m Not Dead

/ Diane Henders

Some time ago, I read an article on good blogging practices.  It said you should designate a proxy blogger so someone could shut down your blog in case you died.  It even suggested you should write a post and save it so your proxy could communicate your final message to your readers.

I’m sorry to say I didn’t treat this advice with due reverence.

I like to think I’m a conscientious person.  I try to fulfill my social obligations, at least as much as someone with my limited social skills can manage.  But I just can’t see writing a “Sorry, I’m Dead” post.

What if I’m not sorry?  I mean, let’s face it, if I’m dead, I probably won’t care much about what’s happening with my blog.  As I see it, there are three possibilities for my after-death experience:

1)     Harps and heavenly bliss.  In which case I’m more likely to look down from my exalted cloud and yell, “Neener, neener, I’m all happy and surrounded by endless beer while you poor schmos are still slogging it out down there!”  I guess I could put that in a blog post, but it seems presumptuous.  What if I jinxed it and ended up in the wrong place instead?  Which leads me to option 2…

2)     Pitchforks and eternal torment. If that’s the case, I’ll be so absorbed in my own misery that my blog will be the least of my worries.  Or…

3)     Nothing.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200; I’m gone, done, finito.  Elvis has left the building, and he ain’t comin’ back.  In which case, I won’t be capable of caring about my blog.

But still.

I’m conscientious.  So now that I’ve been told this is one of my responsibilities as a blogger, I feel a niggling urge to address the “what if I die” scenario, even though I can’t imagine any earth-shattering consequences if I suddenly stop posting to my blog.

I mean, I’d like to think there are people out there hanging on my every word.  Or… actually, no.  Forget I said that.  Considering the usual content of my blog, I’d find it very disturbing if people were hanging on my every word.

So how about this:  As long as posts keep appearing here on a regular basis, you can assume I’m still alive, unless you believe in a fourth “beyond the grave” option where my spirit hangs around and writes blog posts and occasionally throws things.

Come to think of it, that could be fun.  Though it would probably inhibit my ability to enjoy beer, so maybe it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.  No wonder ghosts throw things.

Anyway, if my blog posts stop, you can assume I’m dead, bored, or incapacitated in some way, so feel free to drop insulting comments on my last blog entry.  If I’m bored, it’ll cheer me up.  If I’m incapacitated, you can be assured that my revenge, while not swift, will probably be terrible, or at least terribly entertaining.  For one of us.

And if I’m dead, I’ll probably be past caring, but it might amuse my ghost.

21 thoughts on “If You’re Reading This, I’m Not Dead”

  1. What about reincarnation? Maybe we keep coming back and have to write every post over and over again, until we get it right. Or is that just a slight variation on Pitchforks and Eternal Torment?

    Like

    Reply

    • Yikes! That would definitely fall into the “Pitchforks and Eternal Torment” category. I already rewrite and revise every post a dozen times before publishing it, and still the attainment of “right” eludes me. If I had to get it “right”, I’d never publish a single sentence. 🙂

      P.S. If I have to be reincarnated, I want to come back as a house cat.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  2. Well Diane, I have to disagree with one of the central tenants of your first premise – because we all know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntkC-o52weI

    Aside from that, I’ve always wanted to make sure I had a quiver full of posts lined up and scheduled to go live by themselves after I shuffle off this too too mortal coil. I just think posting from Beyond would be a hoot!

    It’s like setting up a time-delay mail service: why should my grandchildren stop getting birthday cards just because grandpa’s in the box?

    Like

    Reply

    • I beg to differ. If there’s no beer, it can’t be heaven. That song is just one of hell’s clever marketing ploys. That’s what I’m going to keep telling myself, anyway.

      The time-delay mail service is an interesting idea – the creep factor of birthday cards from beyond the grave appeals to me. Hey, maybe you could send Hobbesian Horoscopes from beyond the grave. Imagine your loved ones receiving cards packed with the BUMD’s special brand of advice at random intervals. Heartwarming. Absolutely heartwarming.

      Like

      Reply

  3. Now that you’ve brought this up, you’ll have to keep posting or run the risk of being buried alive. I told my kids once that if I ever seem like my life has no quality left, they should help me end it. Now, any dull moment and my son’s all, “is it time, Mom? Shall I get the pills?” Same sort of thing.

    Like

    Reply

    • Owie. Nothing like the love of family to warm your heart. I was thinking it might be interesting to skip a week just to see if anybody notices, but now I’m thinking that could backfire badly…

      Thanks for visiting and commenting. 🙂

      Like

      Reply

  4. In case of my death, I have given specific instructions to my husband to market my blog as of a “newly deceased”. Seems to be the only way to get some traffic these days 😛

    Like

    Reply

    • Ooh, good marketing spin! Now I’m feeling sorry I didn’t decide to write under a pseudonym – I could have killed off my alter ego and gone for the whole “dead author” schtick. Missed opportunities. Sigh.

      Like

      Reply

  5. That’s good to hear, Diane.
    I was thinking along the same lines the other day, maybe having an emergency blog kit at one side, just in case, with specific instructions and a carefully worded post that simply needs typing up.
    And then I got back to doing the laundry!

    Like

    Reply

  9. Hmm. I suppose a truly conscientious blogger would write and schedule many, many blog posts–maybe a year’s worth?–to cover that awkward post-death screeching halt of blog activity. Each with the appropriate “pardon me if I don’t respond to your comments” disclaimer at the end, of course.

    Like

    Reply

    • Aaagh! Stop raising the bar!

      No, wait a minute. You go first. Let me know when you’ve got yours done, and then I’ll follow suit. Or lie convincingly about it, anyway. ‘Cause, hey, good luck finding me to complain about the lack of posts after I’m dead…

      Like

      Reply

  10. What would the correct term be: polterblogger or bloggergeist? Either way, think of the fun you could have haunting WordPress – you could mess with all the bloggers even more than WordPress already does.

    Like

    Reply

What do you think?

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.