My friends the spammers have been kind enough to donate the content for today’s post. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I actually harbour a sneaking fondness for spam, as long as it’s fried up nice and crispy with cracker crumbs and/or neatly contained inside my spam filters.
Here’s what my blog has attracted lately:
In the category of Messages in Secret Code: “blank hairpick slug miner mode lole weakling justis Basia”.
As any fool can see, this is an urgent communiqué informing me that feeble, curly-haired mentally deficient slug miners are about to kidnap a Polish folk singer and hold her hostage until their demands for justice are met in the form of shorter working hours, improved slime-resistant work gloves, and lower daily slug quotas.
I was halfway to the red phone to warn the secret police when I realized the plot was far more sinister than I’d originally thought. The key word in the message is “lole”. This misspelling of “LOL” clearly indicates that the implication of the mentally deficient slug miners is merely a clever ploy by the conspirators’ masterminds. In fact, the plot is being undertaken by the intellectually elite straight-haired slug miners, who plan to frame their less acute brethren for the evil plan.
You’ll be relieved to know I reported the entire thing to the authorities, and Basia will never know how close she came to a slimy and terrifying ordeal.
In the category of Obscure But Vaguely Disturbing: “I’m worried that a plush facehugger is a gateway facehugger if I win, I’d better not start turning tricks for real facehuggers or craving an alien bursting out of my chest”.
My initial fear that a facehugger was some sort of previously-unidentified sexual variation turned out to be unfounded when I nervously searched “facehugger” on the internet. Now it all makes perfect, though somewhat worrisome, sense. The concern that a plush facehugger may conceal a real facehugger is certainly a valid one. But turning tricks for a facehugger? Seems to imply a certain moral deficiency, wouldn’t you think?
Here’s a runner-up in the same category: “In case the peg people don’t win the day, I need to know”.
Me, too. I really, really need to know. Who are these peg people? Why has their epic struggle against the hole people gone undocumented all this time? You need to know. I need to know. The world needs to know.
In the category of Too Much Information: “I’ve a condition in this particular topic”.
This comment appeared on my post Why Orange Plastic Palm Trees. I really didn’t need to know this commenter has glowing orange and yellow testicles.
And finally, in the category of Dubious Compliments: “Those are yours alright! … They look good though!”
Um… thanks. I’ve always preferred to think the real ones look better than implants, too, but… wait a minute… what are you looking at?!?
Anybody else had tasty spam lately?
Update: The promo’s over now, but I’m planning a few more coming up – will keep you posted.
Note: This week (March 4 – 10) is “Read An Ebook Week”, and I’m giving away ebook versions of Never Say Spy to support it. Get yours free until March 10, and please let your friends know, too. Click on the Ebook Week picture in my sidebar to get it (use coupon code RE100).
If you’re a regular commenter here, and if you’ve been kind enough to buy Never Say Spy already, drop me a note from the About Me page, and I’ll send you a freebie for one of my other books instead (tell me which one you’d like).