My friends the spammers have been kind enough to donate the content for today’s post. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I actually harbour a sneaking fondness for spam, as long as it’s fried up nice and crispy with cracker crumbs and/or neatly contained inside my spam filters.
Here’s what my blog has attracted lately:
In the category of Messages in Secret Code: “blank hairpick slug miner mode lole weakling justis Basia”.
As any fool can see, this is an urgent communiqué informing me that feeble, curly-haired mentally deficient slug miners are about to kidnap a Polish folk singer and hold her hostage until their demands for justice are met in the form of shorter working hours, improved slime-resistant work gloves, and lower daily slug quotas.
I was halfway to the red phone to warn the secret police when I realized the plot was far more sinister than I’d originally thought. The key word in the message is “lole”. This misspelling of “LOL” clearly indicates that the implication of the mentally deficient slug miners is merely a clever ploy by the conspirators’ masterminds. In fact, the plot is being undertaken by the intellectually elite straight-haired slug miners, who plan to frame their less acute brethren for the evil plan.
You’ll be relieved to know I reported the entire thing to the authorities, and Basia will never know how close she came to a slimy and terrifying ordeal.
***
In the category of Obscure But Vaguely Disturbing: “I’m worried that a plush facehugger is a gateway facehugger if I win, I’d better not start turning tricks for real facehuggers or craving an alien bursting out of my chest”.
My initial fear that a facehugger was some sort of previously-unidentified sexual variation turned out to be unfounded when I nervously searched “facehugger” on the internet. Now it all makes perfect, though somewhat worrisome, sense. The concern that a plush facehugger may conceal a real facehugger is certainly a valid one. But turning tricks for a facehugger? Seems to imply a certain moral deficiency, wouldn’t you think?
Here’s a runner-up in the same category: “In case the peg people don’t win the day, I need to know”.
Me, too. I really, really need to know. Who are these peg people? Why has their epic struggle against the hole people gone undocumented all this time? You need to know. I need to know. The world needs to know.
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In the category of Too Much Information: “I’ve a condition in this particular topic”.
This comment appeared on my post Why Orange Plastic Palm Trees. I really didn’t need to know this commenter has glowing orange and yellow testicles.
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And finally, in the category of Dubious Compliments: “Those are yours alright! … They look good though!”
Um… thanks. I’ve always preferred to think the real ones look better than implants, too, but… wait a minute… what are you looking at?!?
***
Anybody else had tasty spam lately?
Update: The promo’s over now, but I’m planning a few more coming up – will keep you posted.
Note: This week (March 4 – 10) is “Read An Ebook Week”, and I’m giving away ebook versions of Never Say Spy to support it. Get yours free until March 10, and please let your friends know, too. Click on the Ebook Week picture in my sidebar to get it (use coupon code RE100).
Don’t worry if you don’t have an e-reader – you can download software to read e-books on your PC from Adobe Digital Editions (epub) or Kindle for PC (mobi).
If you’re a regular commenter here, and if you’ve been kind enough to buy Never Say Spy already, drop me a note from the About Me page, and I’ll send you a freebie for one of my other books instead (tell me which one you’d like).
Author Diane Henders 
Dang creative, young lady. A nice piece of writing. I can also help with identifying the peg people. Here is one: http://pegoleg.wordpress.com/
Out here. HF
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Thanks for the link! Who knew there were real Peg people out there? 🙂
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Hi Diane, sorry, I’m a bit late replying to this one – always trying to catch up, I am!
I mostly get nonsense spam these days, although I did receive that random message about the pantyhose the other day, which I’m sure was due to a computer glitch with no human involvement whatsoever.
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That’s okay, Tom, I know how hard it is. I wish I could keep up with commenting on everybody’s posts, but I don’t always get there, either. I really appreciate your comments when you have a chance, though! 🙂
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Very little spam on my blog. On my email account, however, there is a lot of concern about the size of my penis, and my ability to make her moan. Which is just silly. I can make anybody moan.
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Good to know your penis is getting the attention it deserves. My email spam is dedicated to offering me competitive shipping rates from China (it remains unclear as to what I’m expected to ship) and inundating me with ads from casinos. I don’t know why they think I’m going to pour astronomical resources down the tubes in the infinitesimally small hope I’ll hit it big… oh, wait, never mind. I just described fiction writing, didn’t I?
And I don’t know about moaning, but you can definitely make anybody laugh. Hey, gang, check out Murr’s blog here: http://murrbrewster.blogspot.com/. Definitely snortworthy. 🙂
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Aww! Looky what you did! and WAAK WAAK WAAK about the fiction writing.
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I confess to some jealousy! I used to have great spam that looked like dirty word salad; like talking to someone with Teurette’s after a stroke. (“Frog tits!”) These days, all my spam is about where I can find the cheapest knockoff Ugg boots. I don’t even get the London cabbies anymore – although I never did understand why I got them in the first place.
So, turning tricks for real facehuggers – I miss that. I miss my dirty little friends.
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Frog tits! Buwahaha! Okay, that’s some prime blog spam – now I’m envious. What do I have to do to get offers of amphibian T&A on my blog?
Wait. Don’t answer that.
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Wow, you really know your spam! It’s like you’re the Spam Whisperer or something–I’m impressed!
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LOL! “Spam Whisperer” – love it!
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After careful consider, I decided I’m just not going to click on your link and find out what “facehugger” means. Ignorance is bliss, right?
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Yes, ignorance is definitely bliss. But in this case, the reality turned out to be more benign than my sordid imaginings (well, I guess if you consider man-eating aliens to be “benign”).
The facehugger is an alien that looks like a pod on the end of an intestine. It springs up and wraps its pod over people’s faces. I’m not sure what it does once it’s there; smothers them or eats them or assimilates them or something. Anyway, they die horribly with the appropriate screams and gross sound effects.
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Oh, I feel much better now – thanks.
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You’re welcome… wait, was that sarcasm…? 😉
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