Cooking With Spam

/ Diane Henders

I have a sneaking sympathy for the manufacturers of SPAM, that “is-it-really-meat” product my mother usually fried with a crunchy coating of cracker crumbs.  It must be tough on their self-image to be associated with worthless, annoying email.  Maybe that’s why I keep an open mind to the humorous potential of the spam I get on this blog.

Most of it is the garden-variety “buy our product” crap, but every now and then, a true gem lodges in my spam filters to tickle my funny-bone.

For instance:  “Excellently constructed report, if all people offered a similar posts just like you, the net would be a more desirable destination.”  I’ve seen that particular comment umpteen times, but in this case the context made me laugh when it appeared on my post “Gettin’ Down At A Piss-Up”.  Soooo… piss-ups are a desirable destination… yeah, okay, I’ll give you that one.

Or how about this one: “…you still take care of to keep it wise.”  …Except for the fact that my post was titled “Brainless”…

And then there was the warmly complimentary, “Excellent facts many thanks for posting about it.”  I might have let that one slide under other circumstances, but my post was “Barbie, Celebrity Affairs, and Altering Reality” – a post entirely devoted to the rambling fantasies of my deranged mind.

Then there are the ones I suspect are secret communications in a clever code.  Maybe they think since I write spy fiction, I’ll be able to decipher their messages.  For example:  “I’m gonna watch out for brussels.”  Oooookay, then.  Good to know.  I’ll watch out for brussels, too.  Are we talkin’ sprouts, European cities, or what?

This cryptic comment really made me wonder:  “tiger blood?”  That was it.  No other information.  Just the question mark, which was obviously intended to be a clue.  As in, “Do we have a go for our covert op that’s so badass we code-named it ‘tiger blood’?”  Or maybe it’s an honest question:  “Is that tiger blood?  Or just ketchup?”  Or wait a minute, maybe it’s a comment on my savage beauty, my untamed… aah, never mind.  Probably not.

But, hell, maybe there is some irresistible attraction at work here.  I just got this comment:  “I got what you think, thanks for swing up. Woh I am glad to gestate this website”.  Well, if you’re swinging, I think you probably got the clap.  I haven’t heard the euphemism “swing up” before, but it seems to me a swing-up would be better than a swing-down.  I think a swing-down would make it much more difficult to gestate.  Besides, a swing-down just seems so… dejected.  Deflated.  Flaccid.  (Yeah, I used that word).

But, like gonorrhea, my visitor’s enthusiasm is infectious.  “Woh I am glad to gestate this website!”

Hey, I’m easy.  Flattery will get you everywhere.  Gestate away to your heart’s content.  Just wash your hands before you come to the table.

‘Scuse me while I go fry some of these up with cracker crumbs.

15 thoughts on “Cooking With Spam”

  1. Pingback: More Yummy Spam | Diane Henders

  2. These spam comments often make me wonder about the mental state of the developers who code up these spam bots

    PS : Brussels comment make me cough up some diet coke through my nose

    Tiger blood?

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  3. Don’t you love it??? I get some great ones now and then; I did a bit about them a while ago: http://www.biguglymandoll.com/?p=555
    I find recently I’m not getting porn so much as ads for Uggs, fake Uggs, and Loius Vutton handbags. It’s depressing. Although “Thanks for that posting! You’ve saved MUCH time!” is a loyal spammer.
    Actually, now that I’ve typed all this, I’ll be surprised if your filter doesn’t toss this message!

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    • My spam filter didn’t catch it, which is odd because it’s stopped a couple of my other regular commenters who didn’t even mention such fertile spam phrases. Go figure.

      And your spam is definitely more… er… stimulating than mine. I haven’t gotten any of the pornographic variety yet. Something to look forward to, I guess. 🙂

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  4. I am so envious of your spam. I get some good ones in my email box (is it noontime in your pants? Fire the jets on your meat turbine) but all I get on my blog is that guy who wants to Boycott American Women.

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    • “Fire the jets on your meat turbine”! I’m roaring with laughter! Maybe you should do a post on email spam.

      The other guy hasn’t found me yet, or maybe he thinks Canadian women aren’t worth boycotting. Either way, it’s fine with me. I have to wonder, though, exactly what form would this boycott take? Does that mean he wouldn’t look at, speak to, or otherwise interact with American women? If he’s commenting on your blog, I don’t think he’s quite grasped the “boycott” concept.

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  6. They are funny (well, some are!), Diane, and also a complete waste of time too! I just delete my spam comments now after writing my post about them the other week. For some reason a certain footwear line seems to think I’m interested in their boots.
    I have a new up and coming phrase which means ‘Excellent!’ ‘Far Out!’ ‘Way To Go!’ You may have seen it being used occasionally… tiger blood? And remember – watch out for brussels! 😉

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