Do you know me?
If you don’t appreciate obscenity, profanity, or vulgarity, please stop reading right here. The Diane Henders you know never uses offensive language. At all. Ever. This is a simple case of mistaken identity. Don’t read my books. Don’t read anything else on this site. There’s nothing to see here anyway.
Oh, and if you’re looking for a Diane Henders who owes you money, that’s not me, either.
What, you’re still reading? Okay, then. You probably do know me.
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What’s with the weasel words?
If you know me well, you probably read the item above and thought, “WTF?!?”. Believe it or not, there are quite a few people in the world who’ve never actually heard me utter anything stronger than “crap” or “heck”.
Sometimes I restrain myself because I already know ripe language will upset them, and sometimes I hold back from sheer reflex because I don’t know them well enough to be sure (more on that here). I’m not really two-faced. Much.
I prefer to call it “considerate”.
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Don’t you have an “About” page?
Yep. Here you go.
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Don’t you have a FAQ page for “real” questions?
Yep, got one of those, too: Right here.
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Are you writing about yourself, you pathetic narcissist?
People frequently ask if my protagonist, Aydan Kelly, is really me.
Yeah, you got me. My novels are an autobiography of my secret life as a government agent, working with highly-classified computer technology… Oh, wait, what’s that? You want the truth? Um, you do realize fiction authors get paid to lie, don’t you?
…well, shit, that’s not nearly as much fun. It’s also a long story.
I swore I’d never write fiction. “Too personal,” I said. “People read novels and automatically assume the author is talking about him/herself.”
Well, apparently I lied about the fiction-writing part. One day, a story sprang into my head and wouldn’t leave. The only way to get it out was to write it down. So I did.
But when I wrote that first book, I never intended to show it to anyone, so I created a character that looked like me just to thumb my nose at the stereotype. I’ve always had a defective sense of humour, and this time it turned around and bit me in the ass.
Because after I’d written the third novel, I realized I actually wanted other people to read my books. And when I went back to change my main character to not look like me, my beta readers wouldn’t let me. They rose up against me and said, “No! Aydan is a tall woman with long red hair and brown eyes. End of discussion!”
Jeez, no wonder readers get the idea that authors write about themselves. So no, I’m not Aydan Kelly. I just look like her.
I’m probably still a pathetic narcissist, though.
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I couldn’t help but notice—and admire!—Aydan’s impressive potty mouth. Where on Earth did you learn those words?
I wish I’d had Aydan’s Uncle Roger to teach me the good stuff, but sadly, I had to learn it all on my own.
Let’s just say I had various unsavory sources. And I’m a quick study – my mind seems to naturally retain filth. I can recite three obscene limericks about testicles without a moment’s hesitation, but classic literary poetry? Yeah, not so much.
I’d say I’m embarrassed to admit that, but you’d know I was lying.
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Do you have a particular number of books in mind for the Never Say Spy series, or are you just going to see how long Aydan will keep talking to you?
I never intended to write a series, but every time I think I’m writing the last book, the next one starts banging at my mental doors. I really have no idea how many books there are going to be. I’m having a blast writing them, so I guess I’ll just keep going as long as the voices keep talking.
Everybody has voices in their heads, right?
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Aydan, in her late(ish) forties, is a bit older than many kick-ass heroines. Was it a conscious decision to go with that, or is that just how she came to you?
Definitely a conscious decision. I was having a major mid-life crisis. Everywhere I looked, the media message was that if you’re female and pushing 50, you’d better get out the Depends and hope you have children to give meaning to your pathetic existence.
And I thought, “Give me a fucking break!”
I went looking for some fiction featuring kick-ass, sexy 40+ women, and I found… nothing. Which is preposterous. Middle age is when we actually have the attitude and confidence to go out and find what we want, and kick ass to get it if necessary. So I wrote what I wanted to read.
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Are Hellhound and Kane based on people in your real life? If so, can you introduce them to me? *waggles eyebrows*
Oh, don’t I wish? I won’t say I’ve never encountered guys like them, but Hellhound and Kane aren’t based on anyone currently in my real life. It’s probably a good thing – it might complicate matters with Hubby…
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Aydan has some *cough* interesting clients in her bookkeeping business. (I’m thinking of a certain “adult toy” shop.) How much research went into your descriptions of the merchandise?
Bawdy Pillows and chocolate-scented leather are mere fig-newtons of my imagination. But if I ever find a four-foot-tall penis-shaped body pillow with an air bladder in it, I’m gonna buy it just for laughs!
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More questions? Drop ‘em in the “What Do You Think?” box at the bottom of the page…