Flash Fiction: Monkey’s Money
I was in the mood for something different this week, so I went to my favourite place for flash fiction prompts: Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. I chose a random letter and clicked on a random page, and here’s what I got: Read more
What My Library Says
A little while ago, I ran across a link to the website of artist Nina Katchadourian, and I was instantly captivated by her Sorted Books project. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so I decided to play, too. Read more
Lately my brain has been semi-defective. It works most of the time, but every now and then it shorts out, leaving me standing there wondering what the hell I’d intended to do moments ago. Or I go to do one thing and end up doing something else entirely. Read more
Colour Me Psychotic
Even though I’ve mostly recovered from my ill-fated career as an interior designer, I’m still fascinated with colour. You’ve got to be impressed by the way something that simple can drive people to the brink of psychosis. Read more
A Nudie Pic From My Sordid Past
All the major celebrities have nude pictures lurking somewhere in their past. They pretend to be embarrassed about them, but in fact it’s a clever marketing ploy to drum up some sensational news articles and garner more publicity. I figure I could use some publicity, so today I’m going to unveil a nudie pic from my own misguided youth. Read more
The other day I was cutting my husband’s hair when a memory made me smile. Since it seems to make him unaccountably nervous when I smile for no apparent reason while wielding sharp objects close to his jugular, I hastened to explain. Read more
‘Scuse My Bear Behind
Gardening season has been exciting this year. I had a feeling my impromptu pole dance in the spring would lead to a stellar career, and I was right. This week found me head-down-ass-up in a tunnel of pea vines, belting out Broadway tunes at the top of my lungs. Read more
I’m Not A Cunning Linguist
By now you’re probably all familiar with my tendency to misread words. But if you’re relatively new to my blog, you may not have read about the fact that I also tend to misspeak – often with embarrassing results. Read more
Alien Butt Sensors
They’re invisible, but I know they’re there. I’m not sure how or when they were installed, but there are hidden pressure sensors under every toilet seat in the house, as well as on my office chair. It’s the only possible explanation. Read more
Calgary Flood 2013
Well, it’s been an interesting week. In case you haven’t heard, Calgary and most of southern Alberta suffered a major flood. For those who got in touch to check up on us, thank you for your concern. Read more
I’ll Tell You What’s Normal…
I spend my days skating on the edge of normalcy. So far I’ve been able to avoid unwelcome attention, but that’s due more to good luck than good management. I can get away with my quirks as long as I live in a nice neighbourhood and shower frequently, but put me on a park bench after a hard workout, and somebody’s gonna call the loony-catchers. Read more
The Happy Hoer
As I mentioned a couple of years ago, I’m a hoer. Very few people are willing to discuss this lifestyle openly and fewer still can comprehend enjoying it, but as you probably know by now, I’m a freak. I love being a hoer. Read more
We’re All Free! And Naked!
Peer pressure is a terrible thing. I’ve been successfully resisting it for months, but my resolve has slowly eroded under the relentless burden of my readers’ expectations. So here it is; the post you’ve (apparently) all been waiting for: “We’re All Free! And Naked!”
Don’t look at me like that. Hell, I don’t know what I’m talking about, either. Read more
Play Nicely, Kids… Please.
I’m climbing up on my soapbox today, so if you’re looking for funnies you’ll probably want to skip back to Sometimes Words Fail Me. I’ll return to my regularly scheduled silliness on the 29th.
I just finished reading a blogger’s vitriolic review of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight. I don’t know Ms. Meyer and I’m not a Twilight fan, but… Read more
In Praise Of Piss
I’m a connoisseur of rude and vulgar language. I collect it, use it frequently, and occasionally dust off some of my truly one-of-a-kind pieces to lovingly share with the world. Read more
Six months ago one of my blogging buddies, Carrie Rubin, wrote a post about gross things she’s found in her food. But after commenting with a list of the various disgusting things I’ve discovered on my plate, it occurred to me that perhaps I’d shared too much. Which got me thinking about other instances of inappropriate sharing I’ve witnessed over the years. Read more
Rorschach Poster Child
I’ve mentioned several times that I tend to misread text. I’ve speculated that it may be some latent form of dyslexia, or maybe just a combination of carelessness and a twisted mind. After what I just saw on Facebook, though, I’m leaning toward the probability of a terminally twisted mind. Read more
A while ago Carrie Rubin posted “My Closet Has Skeletons – Literally”, in which she offered blog awards to those brave enough to post photos of their own closet-cleanout detritus.
I can’t resist the opportunity to accumulate blogging awards and public humiliation simultaneously, so here goes… Read more
I’m Losing It
Motorcycle season is still a few months away, but I think it might be time to get out my boots and leathers anyway. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been referred to as “dear”, “little”, and “girl”. I’m in serious danger of losing my badass self-image. Read more
I Like Young Guys
Fortunately, my husband is extremely tolerant and secure. I had just gotten back from an appointment with my young male massage therapist when I announced, “I like young guys!” Read more
And Then It Got Ugly
I used to be able to count on spammers to tell me what a marvelous writer I am. Every day I’d get dozens of compliments about my wonderful colour schemes, my mastery of writing, and my expertise in the subject area. To the spammers, I was a demigod. In fact, I was so good I even got compliments from beyond the grave: Read more
Last week, I couldn’t decide what to eat for lunch until I looked at the weather forecast. It wasn’t even as simple as needing to know what the current weather conditions were. No, I needed a forecast. Read more
Bro Bulletin – Questions of Doom: #4
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. This is the last of the Questions of Doom series.
QOD #4: Do you like this casserole? Read more
Bro Bulletin – Questions of Doom: #3
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. This is the third instalment of the Questions of Doom series.
Ah, you guys thought you were getting the hang of QODs, didn’t you? I’ve got news for you: we’ve only been dealing with easy yes-or-no QODs until now. Let’s try a tougher one: the multiple-choice QOD.
QOD #3: What do you want for dinner? Read more
Bro Bulletin – Questions of Doom: #2
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. This is the second instalment of the Questions of Doom series.
QOD #2: Did you just buy yourself a new fill-in-the-blank (FITB)? *Scowls, hands on hips* Read more
Bro Bulletin – Questions Of Doom: #1
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. Welcome to the Questions of Doom series.
QOD #1: Does this dress make me look fat? Read more
Bro Bulletin: Mo’ Advice For Movember
WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT (but only if you have a dirty mind to start with)
Thanks, Technology… I Think…
Fortunately, it was Thanksgiving here in Canada this past weekend. If I hadn’t been reminded of how thankful I am for all the good things in my life, I’d be seriously cranky. Read more
Creepy Stalker Here
As I’ve mentioned here and here, there’s convincing evidence that I’m a sociopath. But a few days ago, an unsettling thought bobbed to the scummy surface of the cesspit that is my mind: Maybe I’m also a creepy stalker. Read more
I Can Type With A Banana In My Hand
That isn’t a euphemism, though it might be fun if it was. In case you’re wondering, I can also type with a banana in my mouth, and you can just get your mind out of the gutter right now. Read more
It’s autumn, and I need a drink. Read more
The worst things in life sneak up on you from behind. Let me tell you a story:
Once upon a time, there was no spandex. Read more
When I rang the doorbell of the upscale house wearing my faded jeans and waist pouch, it occurred to me that most lawyers probably expect their business clients to be dressed up.
Well, tough. I’d had a busy day with no time to change my clothes. He’d just have to deal with it. Read more
As usual, I was dazzled by the Olympics. So this may sound strange, but I’ve been thinking about the joys of mediocrity lately. Read more
Warning: This article contains graphic descriptions from an active zone of conflict. It may be disturbing for sensitive readers.
Tensions were high as hostilities escalated this week in the West Garden. In the past two weeks of conflict, dozens of innocent carrots and potatoes have lost their lives. This week the death of two promising young head lettuce plants caused me to declare a jihad against pocket gophers. Read more
Optimism Or Idiocy?
This week, I’m diving into uncharted waters – again. It seems for every new situation that arises in my business or personal life, I acquire another three skills I never wanted to have. But does that make me say, “Oh, wait, I don’t know how to do that; maybe I should get some help”?
Oh, hell, no. Read more
A couple of weeks ago, I concluded I was probably a sociopath. Just in case more evidence was needed, this photo from my living room provides the confirmation: Read more
As I mentioned in an earlier post, my mouth keeps me in trouble. I’d like to pretend it’s only my mouth that’s the problem, but now my eyes are getting into the act, too. Read more
I’ve reluctantly come to accept that I’m a cheapskate. Read more
Okay, stop laughing. I realize you already know I’m disturbed. What I meant was: I’m bothered. Alarmed. Perturbed. Ruffled. Unnerved. (Yeah, and addicted to my thesaurus, but that’s a post for another day.) Read more
If there’s an enzyme that regulates concern for how one is perceived by the general public, my levels are dangerously low. Add that to my tendency to choose a logical (to me) solution despite the hair-pulling, eye-bulging frustration of my companions, and I’m pretty sure I’m a sociopath. Read more
This post is not for the soft of heart nor the delicate of spirit. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I can barely remember the time before my confinement, before this eternity of solitary darkness. Read more
I. AM. CANADIAN!
It’s interesting to be Canadian. As a nation, we’re generally regarded as the polite, low-key, boring neighbours of the superpower south of us. We tend to define ourselves by what we’re not, instead of by what we are, and we may get quite impassioned about the whole thing. Especially if beer is involved. Read more
Beer And Jiggs On “Da Rock”
I thoroughly enjoyed spending last week in St. John’s, Newfoundland. It was my first visit to “Da Rock”, but I knew enough to be prepared for some idiosyncrasies. Here are a few things the travel brochures don’t tell you. Read more
Beautiful, Sunshiny, Versatile… And Lazy
Several of my readers have been kind enough to nominate me for the Versatile Blogger award in the past few months. Many thanks to my blogging buddies… Read more
The other day a conversation with a female friend turned into a roundabout discussion that began with fruit, took a rapid detour to testicles, and ended with dirty limericks. I can’t name the friend without potentially embarrassing the innocent man whose mangoes we were discussing, but the guilty party knows who she is. I’m pretty sure I can still hear her giggling. Read more
I’ve Been Married Too Long
That’s it. My husband knows me too well. Either I’ll have to develop an entirely new personality, or give him a good sharp rap on the head with one of our many hammers so he forgets a few of my fundamental traits. Read more
Soup Nose: ‘S Not Funny
There are a quite a few disorders with evocative names like tennis elbow, tailor’s bunion, and vibration white finger. Though it sounds like it should fit it this category, I’m not including plumber’s butt in the list because the person afflicted with it is completely oblivious while the innocent bystanders suffer. And I’m not going to make a crack about that. (Yeah, okay, I couldn’t help it.)
Recently, though, I discovered another less serious but equally irritating affliction: soup nose. Read more
On Monday, I thoroughly enjoyed an experience most people would appreciate just about as much as a root canal without anaesthetic. I drove 800 miles across the Canadian prairies in 12 hours, stopping at hours 5 and 10 to fill the car’s tank and empty mine. I’ve been making that trip pretty frequently lately, but I’m still not tired of it. Read more
The Great Motorcycle Debate
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)
Spring is finally around the corner, and a middle-aged woman’s fancy turns lightly to thoughts of… motorcycles. In honour of the season, I pose you the following question: cruiser or crotch-rocket? Read more
If You’re Reading This, I’m Not Dead
Some time ago, I read an article on good blogging practices. It said you should designate a proxy blogger so someone could shut down your blog in case you died. It even suggested you should write a post and save it so your proxy could communicate your final message to your readers.
I’m sorry to say I didn’t treat this advice with due reverence. Read more
More Yummy Spam
My friends the spammers have been kind enough to donate the content for today’s post. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I actually harbour a sneaking fondness for spam, as long as it’s fried up nice and crispy with cracker crumbs and/or neatly contained inside my spam filters.
Here’s what my blog has attracted lately: Read more
Let Me Rephrase That
My mouth keeps me in trouble. As I mentioned in an earlier post, sometimes words fail to come out in any kind of useful or intelligible manner.
Other times, words come out of my mouth with mortifying clarity. Read more
It Was A Dark And Stormy Night…
Well, not really. It was dark, but it was calm. Unlike me. I was scared shitless. I wouldn’t admit it, but I was pumping adrenaline and wondering if we were all going to live through this. Read more
I’m Not An Idiot. Really.
93% of people who drive believe they’re better-than-average drivers.
Anybody else see the math problem here? Read more
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)
Hello, my name is Diane, and I’m a toolaholic. Read more
The dictionary tells me a fetish can be an object that elicits reverence and devotion, or an object that causes an erotic response. For me, food falls neatly into both categories. Sometimes I love food. Sometimes I looooove food. (Not literally. Don’t worry, it’s still safe to eat the cucumbers at my house.) Read more
Sometimes I Speak Swahili
Sometimes I speak Swahili. It’s the only possible explanation. Except for the fact that people who speak Swahili can’t understand me, either. So maybe sometimes I speak a heretofore-unknown but terribly clever secret language. Read more
Show Me Your Tool
I was struck by an epiphany the other day. And yes, it left a nasty mark; thanks for asking. I won’t offer to show you the mark, but the gist of the epiphany was this: If you’re considering a serious relationship with a man, ask to see his tool first. Read more
Happy New Y… Wait, Where Are My Clothes?
It’s a sad fact that I’m long past the age when that question should be on my lips. It’s also a sad fact that I asked myself that very question this New Year’s Eve. Read more
Cooking With Spam
I have a sneaking sympathy for the manufacturers of SPAM, that “is-it-really-meat” product my mother usually fried with a crunchy coating of cracker crumbs. It must be tough on their self-image to be associated with worthless, annoying email. Maybe that’s why I keep an open mind to the humorous potential of the spam I get on this blog. Read more
Making Up Is Hard To Blue
Ah, the festive season. A time when most women look forward to getting dolled up with glamorous makeup and swanky little cocktail dresses. (I said swanky, not skanky. Don’t put words in my mouth.) Read more
I’ve been called a lot of different names in my lifetime, sometimes by people sincerely trying to get my name right; other times not so much. Like a dog, I focus on the intonation, not the actual words. “Sweetheart” can sound really hostile, and “Hey, Buttbrain” can warm my heart.
Not that anybody’s ever called me Buttbrain. This week. Read more
Barbie, Celebrity Affairs, And Altering Reality
Every now and then, my mind wanders. All right, fine, my mind wanders quite a bit. But sometimes it wanders farther afield than usual, into the realm of the truly ridiculous. Read more
This weekend, we attended the Grape Escape, a showcase of food, wine, and liquor. As usual, there was a mind-boggling and delicious array of food and booze. As usual, we poured ourselves into a cab afterward and managed to maintain a semi-vertical orientation while we staggered into our house. Read more
I just got back from two weeks in Manitoba. I have 682 unread emails, and there’s a stack of as-yet-unidentified but vaguely frightening papers and envelopes in my “In” tray. It’s Wednesday morning, time for a blog post. I’m brainless. Read more
A couple of weeks ago, one of our senators caused a kerfuffle when she took verbal potshots at our national animal, the beaver. Calling it a “dentally defective rat” and a “toothy tyrant”, she suggested that we should change our national animal to the “noble” and much more photogenic polar bear. Righteous indignation and off-colour jokes abounded. Read more
Since Halloween was this week, “scary” has been on my mind. It was definitely on my mind when I looked in the mirror this morning, but that’s another story. Read more
It’s funny how the bloggers I follow seem to read each other’s minds. This past week, there have been all kinds of posts about stress, panic, and overwhelm. So what the hell, I’ll get in on it, too. Read more
When I was a kid, I was an obnoxious little know-it-all. This probably explains why I was slightly less popular than herpes. Read more
My husband thinks I’m a Neanderthal. I’m pretty sure he’s right. Read more
Authors can be lovable and agreeable family pets. Most are easily housebroken, though some may exhibit a disturbing tendency to piddle while absorbed in a particularly difficult bit of plotting or worldbuilding. Read more
Many thanks to Nancy over at notquiteold for nominating me for The Versatile Blogger award!
As she points out in this post, when you do the math, it becomes apparent that within a very few iterations of this award, theoretically everybody in the blogosphere could receive this award. Twice. Read more
It Ain’t A Meal If Nothing Died
This post over at gapingwhole got me thinking about vegetarianism and other ethics-based eating habits. I try to live and eat with as little environmental impact as possible, but, while I have the utmost respect for those people who choose not to eat meat, I’m a dedicated carnivore. Read more
I’m A Hoer
I admit it. I’m a hoer. Now that the weather is beginning to cool off, I’ll soon pack it in for the winter, because it’s pretty much a fair-weather pastime for me. But most nice warm days in the summer, you can find me by the side of the road, waving at all the passing cars. Read more
Totally Freakin’ Inadequate
I’m still on the road this week, and maybe my bad hotel karma has finally run its course, because my hotel in Regina didn’t feature hookers, cattle, or rappelling nudists. Read more
Manitoba Chinese At The Paris
I’m posting this from Regina, Saskatchewan, partway through another 14-hour drive from Calgary to Manitoba. Being on the road again has made me think of the Paris Café in Gladstone, Manitoba. Read more
Toilet Trepidation: Number Two
Warning: If you have a weak stomach, don’t read this. Come back next week instead. I promise not to tell any gross stories then.
Last week, I mentioned a few reasons for my troubled relationship with toilets. I have more. Read more
Toilet Trepidation: Number One
Warning: This is a post about toilets and related, um, issues. If you’re easily grossed out, stop reading now.
I have an uneasy relationship with toilets. I suspect I’m alone in this. Read more
I’m an ice cream addict, and my nephew recently offered to let me hide under the Dairy Queen counter so he could feed me any treats he’d made wrong. Little did he know that lurking under counters is not a new activity for me. Read more
Last week, an acquaintance told me, “You look ten years younger now than when I first met you!” I basked in the glorious glow of the compliment until I realized that:
■This meant I looked like shit three years ago; and
■She didn’t mention how old I actually look now. Read more
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)
Think I’ll get that printed on a T-shirt, along with a maple leaf. Read more
I feel irrational guilt when dealing with authority figures. I blame sponge toffee. Read more
The Stampede is on in Calgary this week, so the medical clinics are bracing for the annual surge in syphilis cases. No, I’m not making this up. Read more
The long weekend is over, and I’m sitting at my desk, scratching the mosquito bites on my butt. Read more
The other day, my husband came to the table with some startling news: research has shown that potato chips are the world’s most fattening food. Read more
A few years ago, Dave (one of my trainers) was writing a workbook. He proof-read it and passed it over to me. I proof-read it. Then I got thirty copies printed up and delivered them to him the night before the class. Read more
I recently followed a link on one of the blogs I read regularly. The blogger is normally a very funny guy. The link was to a site containing an extensive catalogue of sex acts (which was clearly stated in his post – no surprises there). I’m hoping the site was meant to be funny. Read more
Before you read any further, I’d like to note that my travelling companions are (usually) mature and admirable people. Please don’t judge them harshly. You’d be a basket case, too, if you had to spend fourteen hours in a car with me. Read more
I’ve just been reading a fascinating dialogue between Charles Gulotta at Mostly Bright Ideas (Better Left Unsaid, Part 1), and Priya at Partial View (Better Left Unsaid, Part 2). Read more
“We’re really putting our asses on the line.”
“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” Martin snapped. “It’s worth it. Pass me that pipette.” Read more
This may reflect badly on the sexual preferences of my ancestors, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got donkey DNA in me somewhere. Read more
“Aagh, darlin’, help me up. I’ve a devil’s own headache.” Read more
According to scientists, life is nothing more than zillions of electrical impulses zapping through a lump of meat. Plants show measurable electrical activity, too. This makes me wonder. Read more
This past week, I was in Toronto to see Bob Seger in concert. For me, Bob Seger has always been (and probably will always be) the complete package. The music, the lyrics, the voice – nobody else quite measures up. Read more
The other day in our staff meeting, we started talking about roadkill. Don’t ask why. Let’s just say that our staff meetings are rarely predictable. The conversation devolved, not only to roadkill, but to the eating thereof. Read more
When I’m writing in MS Word, I use highlights to mark places where my document needs work. Read more
Let me tell you about my experiences lurking in men’s washrooms. Carrying a measuring tape. Read more
“Mummy, Mummy, look at that man!” Read more
She gazes up at the giant, dripping trees and draws in a deep breath of pure joy and spicy forest scent. Read more
Roni Loren just posted “Battling the Romance Novel Stigma”. It made me uncomfortable. Read more
I’ve seen a lot of discussion on blogs lately about the idea of selling electronic books for 99 cents. This is like watching a trainload of people hurtling towards the proverbial busted trestle sagging into the proverbial canyon. Read more
Microsoft Word calculates readability statistics based on the length and complexity of the sentences and words you use in your document. Read more
He spotted her about twenty miles west of Winnipeg. She turned and stuck out her thumb as the rig got closer. And smiled. Read more
I don’t know what I did in a previous life to deserve this, but I have bad hotel karma. Here are a few of the more memorable examples: Read more
When a computer geek writes his/her very first program, it usually generates the following text: “Hello, World.” Well, I’m a geek. Go figure. Read more