Archives

Slime! You’re Eye Candy!
That was the sign that confronted me as I left the optometrist’s office yesterday: “Slime! You’re eye candy!” Read more

I Went Out And Got Pithed
No, I haven’t begun to lithp. I did actually mean ‘pithed’. Getting pissed would have been a whole lot more fun. Read more

Dear Truckers…
Dear Truckers, I just got back from driving another 2,400 km trip across the Canadian prairies, and now I’m sad. Read more

Hey, Brain, Stop Eating Beans!
I must be consuming a high-fibre intellectual diet, because I’ve been having an awful lot of brain farts lately. Read more

Wait, Wha…?!?
I’ve had one of those weeks where it seems as though the rest of the world is conspiring to make me say, “Wait, wha…?!?” Read more

Only In My World
I’m a weirdness magnet. Read more

Dear Autumn…
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)
Dear Autumn, I’m not quite sure how to tell you this. Read more

Doing The Crabapple Tango
Don’t worry, it’s safe to read this post – the Crabapple Tango is nothing like the Green Apple Two-Step. I won’t even mention diarrhea. (Okay, technically I just did, but that’s all for this post.) Most people have probably never heard of the Crabapple Tango, but anyone with a fruit tree knows what I’m talking about. Read more

…In Which I Go Soak My Head
I didn’t even know the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge was a ‘thing’ until my sister nominated me (read ‘bullied me into it’). Read more

Stop The Fashion Presses!
I wrote this very late last night and I wasn’t quite sober at the time. Consider yourselves warned… Read more

Karma’s Dicking With Me
As you may know, I’ve got a big birthday coming up next week. So since my friend Swamp Butt also turned fifty a couple of weeks ago, we decided to get the gang together and go to the mountains for a joint birthday bash. Read more

How Do You Like My New Piercing?
A couple of days ago I exercised such iron self-control you’d be amazed. Despite tremendous temptation, I acted like a normal well-mannered adult, which we all know is a wholly unnatural state for me. Read more

A Grizzly Attempt At Humour
I made a scary discovery this past weekend. Read more

Hubby’s Got A Big Deck
I mentioned last year that Hubby had gotten a deck enlargement kit and we were very happy with the results, but this week he surprised me with an even bigger deck! Read more

The Battle Of The Keep (A True Story)
We shouldn’t have left the keep unguarded. But we did. Read more

Hello From Planet Innuendo
Apparently Mercury was retrograde from June 7 to July 1, which astrologers say is supposed to cause general chaos. I don’t know much about astrology, but if there’s a planet that governs accidental double entendres, it’s definitely exerting its influence this week. Read more

Canadian, Eh?
Yesterday was Canada Day, so just for fun I’m going to ‘speak Canadian’: Read more

Farewell To A Faithful Friend
I’m about to get maudlin over a vehicle, so if you’d rather have some chuckles today, why not go and check out my very first official blog post, Bad Hotel Karma? I’ll be back to my usual silliness next week. Read more

I’m Doomed
Another cartoon today. See it

Weapons Of Ass Destruction
So, this morning I was thinking about toilet paper. (Never mind what I was doing at the time.) And it occurred to me that toilet paper is the keystone to civilized behaviour in the western hemisphere. Read more

Progress…
A couple of days ago when I was lying helpless in a small dark room with a couple of dozen needles stuck in various parts of my body, I began to reflect on the state of modern medical science. Read more

And That Was My Week
The week after I finish a book is always interesting. During the final stages, I’m so immersed in writing that everything else just… goes away. Including my brain. And it hasn’t come back yet. Read more

Chair Demons
I’d like to think it’s not just me. Doesn’t everybody harbour a few items in their home which, when considered out of context (which is to say, ‘by any sane human being’), are just a little… um… creepy? Read more

The Secret Of Happiness…
I’m pushing to finish Book 8 this week and I don’t have any wordpower (or brain power) to spare, so it’s cartoon time. See it

Snow Fun
For those who weren’t privy to my whining on Facebook this weekend, we just had a foot of snow. Read more

Baby, Duck!
This weekend I was treated to a blast from the past. We invited friends over for dinner, and one couple arrived bearing a bottle of Baby Duck. Read more

Brain Salad
(I promise this isn’t another post about zombies, despite the title.)  So… occasionally I make Tilt Soup. It never tastes the same twice, and the recipe is as follows: ‘Tilt the fridge and whatever falls out goes into the soup’. Read more

Beef Is A Vegetable
Yes, it’s true. Beef is a vegetable, and today I’m going to give you a logical explanation as to why that’s so. Read more

Zombie Bullets
Prepare for the impending zombiepocalypse! Read more

Dancin’ Fool
Well, I did it. Fortunately I’ve never been terribly attached to my dignity. Yes; this weekend, after only ten lessons, I got up and attempted to belly-dance in front of a (mercifully small) audience. It didn’t begin well. Read more

Ouch!
Last week one of my blogging buddies, Carl D’Agostino, posted this cartoon. I commented, “Ow, ow, ow! Sewed through my own finger once, long ago. My sympathies are entirely with Ed.” To which Carl replied, “Hey, that would make a great post.” Read more

Feeling Green
The green stain has worn off my upper lip at last, and I’m here to tell you that a meal consisting of green beer and jalapeno-loaded nachos is extremely unkind to the digestive system. Johnny Cash had obviously consumed that meal the night before he sang about the burning ring of fire. Read more

Talking Plants
For years, scientists have debated whether plants communicate. They hook electrodes up to their leaves to measure changes in electrical conductivity and then argue about whether those fluctuations constitute “communication”. Hell, they could have just asked me. Plants talk to me all the time. It’s getting them to shut up that’s the problem. Read more

Confessions Of A Vegas Swinger
I’m going to make an embarrassing confession, and I hope you won’t lose respect for me when I reveal my dark secret. It’s something nobody would suspect of me. In fact, it’s so secret, even I didn’t know about it. Read more

Revolting!
My sense of humour has been somewhat impaired by yet another dose of frigid -29 degree weather this week, so I decided to go back to the good old standbys that make me laugh no matter what: wordplay and fart jokes. Read more

I Survived V-Day!
It’s probably not what you’d expect to hear from a married woman, but I’m happy to have made it through Valentine’s Day. Read more

Belly-Dance: That’ll Teach Me
As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I’m taking a beginner belly-dance class. It has been a tremendous learning experience, despite the fact that I have absolutely no natural aptitude for it. Read more

How To… Oooh, Shiny!
A cartoon, just for a change of pace. See it

Snake And Mayonnaise
Yes, that title does actually read ‘Snake And Mayonnaise’. That’s what I thought I saw on a poster not long ago. You guessed it – I’ve been misreading words as usual. Read more

Shakin’ It Up
I like to try something new every now and then, so this year I decided to take “shaking it up” literally. Yes, I signed up for belly-dancing classes. I do not expect this to contribute in any way to building my self-esteem or maintaining what little dignity I possess. Read more

Gassy And Shy
You’d think ‘Gassy and Shy’ might be a comedy duo like ‘Beavis and Butthead’ or ‘Rocky and Bullwinkle’, but it’s not. It’s… (drumroll please) …one of my delightful spammers! Yes, today I’m offering another succulent serving of Spam Casserole. Read more

Passport Photo Purgatory
This weekend Hubby and I went for passport photos. Yikes! Read more

Retroactive Weirdness
This probably isn’t a revelation to anybody else, but I was a bit surprised this week when I realized the extent of my own weirdness. Read more

The ABC Of Me
Many thanks to Shree over The Heartsongs Blog for nominating me for the Awesome Blog Content award a few weeks ago! Read more

Talking Turkey
No, I’m not referring to “talking turkey” in the sense of discussing business, nor in the sense of a chatty fowl. What I mean is, sometimes I’m a turkey when I’m talking. Read more

Airport Deja Vu
The sun is coming up and I’m sitting in the airport waiting to board my flight. While I sit here with my carry-on baggage tucked close to my feet so no evil person can tamper with it, I’m reflecting on the changes in air travel since I flew for the first time thirty-some years ago. Read more

Hortiporn Addict
I’ve succumbed to my own sordid vices again. I really thought I had overcome them this fall, but I was wrong. One glimpse was all it took. Read more

Love My Beaver!
Well, it’s time for another “proud to be Canadian” blog post. Read more

Flash Fiction: Monkey’s Money
I was in the mood for something different this week, so I went to my favourite place for flash fiction prompts: Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. I chose a random letter and clicked on a random page, and here’s what I got: Read more

I’ve Been Thinking Too Much Lately…
Another Sunday funny. See it

I’m Only An Idiot. Whew.
A while ago, I discovered I’m an idiot. That was a relief. Let me explain… Read more

I’m Such A Fashionista
Another Sunday funny. See it

Movember Moustache Monikers
Hey, guys, it’s Movember! Read more

Real Life Is Stranger Than Fiction
A Sunday funny. See it

Bass Ackwards
The other day I was watching the sunrise in the west when it occurred to me that I do a lot of things ass backwards. Read more

What Was IN That Salad?!?
So, the other night I was gambling in Vegas with James Spader and a couple of Klingon women in 70s-style fun-fur maxi coats. Then things got weird. Read more

What My Library Says
A little while ago, I ran across a link to the website of artist Nina Katchadourian, and I was instantly captivated by her Sorted Books project. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so I decided to play, too. Read more

Semi-Defective
Lately my brain has been semi-defective. It works most of the time, but every now and then it shorts out, leaving me standing there wondering what the hell I’d intended to do moments ago. Or I go to do one thing and end up doing something else entirely. Read more

Home Free
I made it! Read more

They Lied. As Usual.
Another Sunday funny. See it

Colour Me Psychotic
Even though I’ve mostly recovered from my ill-fated career as an interior designer, I’m still fascinated with colour. You’ve got to be impressed by the way something that simple can drive people to the brink of psychosis. Read more

It’s All About The Journey…
…not! Another Sunday funny. See it

A Nudie Pic From My Sordid Past
All the major celebrities have nude pictures lurking somewhere in their past. They pretend to be embarrassed about them, but in fact it’s a clever marketing ploy to drum up some sensational news articles and garner more publicity. I figure I could use some publicity, so today I’m going to unveil a nudie pic from my own misguided youth. Read more

Murphy Strikes Again
Another Sunday funny. See it

Hair Today…
The other day I was cutting my husband’s hair when a memory made me smile. Since it seems to make him unaccountably nervous when I smile for no apparent reason while wielding sharp objects close to his jugular, I hastened to explain. Read more

Now I Feel MUCH Safer.
Another Sunday funny. See it

The Sound Of Dementia
I really hope it’s not dementia, but my rate of misreads has increased considerably since I found the kiss-ass typo back in April. Read more

‘Scuse My Bear Behind
Gardening season has been exciting this year. I had a feeling my impromptu pole dance in the spring would lead to a stellar career, and I was right. This week found me head-down-ass-up in a tunnel of pea vines, belting out Broadway tunes at the top of my lungs. Read more

A Balanced Diet…
A Sunday funny. See it

Fly Diapers. God, I’m Old.
Monday afternoon I was contemplating diapers for house flies, and that’s when I realized I’m getting old. It’s complicated. Let me explain: Read more

I Sing Like A Bird
A Sunday funny. See it

Compatibility Is Overrated
Over the past decade or so, it has become apparent that my husband and I are completely incompatible. Read more

Not A Cartoonist. Obviously.
…but I’ve been having fun drawing cartoons lately anyway. Read more

Is There A 12-Step Program For That?
My name is Diane, and I’m here to confess my addiction. No, not my addiction to tools. This is a different addiction altogether. Read more

Happiness Is A Warm Gun
I’m worried… Read more

I’m Amused
In the vagaries of the English language, I’m “amused”. I’m also amused by the vagaries of the English language, but that’s not actually what I mean. Read more

I’m Not A Cunning Linguist
By now you’re probably all familiar with my tendency to misread words. But if you’re relatively new to my blog, you may not have read about the fact that I also tend to misspeak – often with embarrassing results. Read more

Alien Butt Sensors
They’re invisible, but I know they’re there. I’m not sure how or when they were installed, but there are hidden pressure sensors under every toilet seat in the house, as well as on my office chair. It’s the only possible explanation. Read more

Calgary Flood 2013
Well, it’s been an interesting week. In case you haven’t heard, Calgary and most of southern Alberta suffered a major flood. For those who got in touch to check up on us, thank you for your concern. Read more

I’ll Tell You What’s Normal…
I spend my days skating on the edge of normalcy. So far I’ve been able to avoid unwelcome attention, but that’s due more to good luck than good management. I can get away with my quirks as long as I live in a nice neighbourhood and shower frequently, but put me on a park bench after a hard workout, and somebody’s gonna call the loony-catchers. Read more

The Happy Hoer
As I mentioned a couple of years ago, I’m a hoer. Very few people are willing to discuss this lifestyle openly and fewer still can comprehend enjoying it, but as you probably know by now, I’m a freak. I love being a hoer. Read more

We’re All Free! And Naked!
Peer pressure is a terrible thing. I’ve been successfully resisting it for months, but my resolve has slowly eroded under the relentless burden of my readers’ expectations. So here it is; the post you’ve (apparently) all been waiting for: “We’re All Free! And Naked!”

Don’t look at me like that. Hell, I don’t know what I’m talking about, either. Read more

This Poop Requires Cultured Decoding
Yes, it’s that time again! I’ve mined the rich vein of entertainment that is my blog spam. Read more

Play Nicely, Kids… Please.
I’m climbing up on my soapbox today, so if you’re looking for funnies you’ll probably want to skip back to Sometimes Words Fail Me. I’ll return to my regularly scheduled silliness on the 29th.

I just finished reading a blogger’s vitriolic review of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight. I don’t know Ms. Meyer and I’m not a Twilight fan, but… Read more

Sometimes Words Fail Me
 …and then I draw stick people. Read more

In Praise Of Piss
I’m a connoisseur of rude and vulgar language. I collect it, use it frequently, and occasionally dust off some of my truly one-of-a-kind pieces to lovingly share with the world. Read more

Feeling Crabby?
Six months ago one of my blogging buddies, Carrie Rubin, wrote a post about gross things she’s found in her food. But after commenting with a list of the various disgusting things I’ve discovered on my plate, it occurred to me that perhaps I’d shared too much. Which got me thinking about other instances of inappropriate sharing I’ve witnessed over the years. Read more

Crack Popcorn
As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been married to my husband for too long. He knows all my weak spots. Read more

Rorschach Poster Child
I’ve mentioned several times that I tend to misread text. I’ve speculated that it may be some latent form of dyslexia, or maybe just a combination of carelessness and a twisted mind. After what I just saw on Facebook, though, I’m leaning toward the probability of a terminally twisted mind. Read more

Suitably Embarrassed
A while ago Carrie Rubin posted “My Closet Has Skeletons – Literally”, in which she offered blog awards to those brave enough to post photos of their own closet-cleanout detritus.

I can’t resist the opportunity to accumulate blogging awards and public humiliation simultaneously, so here goes… Read more

Boot To The Head
I have an embarrassing confession to make. But first, a bit of background information: Read more

Covering My Ass
I expend a great deal of effort just trying to cover my ass. Read more

Just Like A Normal Person
This has been a seriously weird week for me. For the first time in three years, I don’t have anything to write. Read more

I Don’t Get No Respect
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’ve been feeling under-respected lately. And the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s not just a recent thing. Read more

MWF Seeking Woman With Gun
This week I’m working on the cover art for the sixth book of my series, and I’m wading through images that range from OMG to WTF and everything in between. Read more

Stand Back: Brain Farts!
My brain has apparently been eating ‘way too many beans lately. The brain farts are getting embarrassing. Read more

I’m Losing It
Motorcycle season is still a few months away, but I think it might be time to get out my boots and leathers anyway. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been referred to as “dear”, “little”, and “girl”. I’m in serious danger of losing my badass self-image. Read more

Flash (Non)Fiction: Labyrinth
It doesn’t fit my preconception of a labyrinth. Read more

I Like Young Guys
Fortunately, my husband is extremely tolerant and secure. I had just gotten back from an appointment with my young male massage therapist when I announced, “I like young guys!” Read more

We’re All Naked
Ever since I had my giggle over the dick pic I found on the internet a few weeks ago, I’ve been thinking about nudity. Yeah, welcome to my brain. Sorry about that. Read more

Not Dressed Up And No Place To Go
This week, I did the annual dusting of my dress-up clothes. Read more

I Love A Guy With A Big Deck
As you may know, I’m a toolaholic. Most men are eager to show me their tools, and in fact, they frequently invite me to play with their tools whenever I want. Read more

And Then It Got Ugly
I used to be able to count on spammers to tell me what a marvelous writer I am. Every day I’d get dozens of compliments about my wonderful colour schemes, my mastery of writing, and my expertise in the subject area. To the spammers, I was a demigod. In fact, I was so good I even got compliments from beyond the grave: Read more

Sometimes I Wonder…
According to Science Illustrated, “Letting the mind wonder fosters creativity”. Maybe, but letting my mind wonder fosters thoughts that range from daft to disturbing. Read more

Ho-Ho-Hum
Christmas is over, and I’ve completed my annual pilgrimage to the mall. Read more

End Of The World
Well, dang. I’m still here. Guess I’ll have to pay those Christmas bills after all. Read more

Blood Pressure And ShrinkyDinks
Every now and then I see things that tickle my funnybone. Here are a few of the latest winners: Read more

It’s Complicated…
Last week, I couldn’t decide what to eat for lunch until I looked at the weather forecast. It wasn’t even as simple as needing to know what the current weather conditions were. No, I needed a forecast. Read more

Bro Bulletin – Questions of Doom: #4
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. This is the last of the Questions of Doom series.

QOD #4: Do you like this casserole? Read more

Bro Bulletin – Questions of Doom: #3
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. This is the third instalment of the Questions of Doom series.

Ah, you guys thought you were getting the hang of QODs, didn’t you? I’ve got news for you: we’ve only been dealing with easy yes-or-no QODs until now. Let’s try a tougher one: the multiple-choice QOD.

QOD #3:  What do you want for dinner?  Read more

Bro Bulletin – Questions of Doom: #2
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. This is the second instalment of the Questions of Doom series.

QOD #2: Did you just buy yourself a new fill-in-the-blank (FITB)? *Scowls, hands on hips* Read more

Sorry I’m A Douche
Earlier this week I was pretty pumped about helping with the Movember campaign. Now I just feel sick. Read more

Bro Bulletin – Questions Of Doom: #1
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. Welcome to the Questions of Doom series.

QOD #1: Does this dress make me look fat? Read more

Bro Bulletin: Mo’ Advice For Movember
WARNING:  EXPLICIT CONTENT (but only if you have a dirty mind to start with)

Tomorrow is the start of Movember!  Guys, this is a great time to do two things: Read more

Boom. Splat.
That’s the sound of my brain exploding. Read more

Don’t Even Think Of Snatching My Ass
In a previous post, I speculated that my tendency to misread words and phrases might be merely a matter of needing reading glasses. I was wrong. Read more

Thanks, Technology… I Think…
Fortunately, it was Thanksgiving here in Canada this past weekend. If I hadn’t been reminded of how thankful I am for all the good things in my life, I’d be seriously cranky. Read more

Creepy Stalker Here
As I’ve mentioned here and here, there’s convincing evidence that I’m a sociopath.  But a few days ago, an unsettling thought bobbed to the scummy surface of the cesspit that is my mind:  Maybe I’m also a creepy stalker. Read more

Fifty Shades Of Leverage
My fifth book, How Spy I Am, is finally out (phew), so of course I immediately thought of Fifty Shades of Grey. Read more

A Redhead Walks Into A Tranny Shop…
I hope that’s not the start of a joke. Read more

I Can Type With A Banana In My Hand
That isn’t a euphemism, though it might be fun if it was. In case you’re wondering, I can also type with a banana in my mouth, and you can just get your mind out of the gutter right now. Read more

Thinking About Drinking

It’s autumn, and I need a drink. Read more

Letting It All Hang Out

The worst things in life sneak up on you from behind. Let me tell you a story:

Once upon a time, there was no spandex. Read more

Flash (Non)Fiction: It’s All About Trust

When I rang the doorbell of the upscale house wearing my faded jeans and waist pouch, it occurred to me that most lawyers probably expect their business clients to be dressed up.

Well, tough. I’d had a busy day with no time to change my clothes. He’d just have to deal with it. Read more

The Joy Of Mediocrity

As usual, I was dazzled by the Olympics. So this may sound strange, but I’ve been thinking about the joys of mediocrity lately. Read more

Heeere, Mr. Gopher…

Warning:  This article contains graphic descriptions from an active zone of conflict.  It may be disturbing for sensitive readers.

Tensions were high as hostilities escalated this week in the West Garden.  In the past two weeks of conflict, dozens of innocent carrots and potatoes have lost their lives.  This week the death of two promising young head lettuce plants caused me to declare a jihad against pocket gophers. Read more

Optimism Or Idiocy?
This week, I’m diving into uncharted waters – again. It seems for every new situation that arises in my business or personal life, I acquire another three skills I never wanted to have. But does that make me say, “Oh, wait, I don’t know how to do that; maybe I should get some help”?

Oh, hell, no. Read more

Driving Ms. Crazy
Some days, even the simplest things get ‘way more complicated than they need to be. Read more

I’m Probably A Sociopath: Exhibit B

A couple of weeks ago, I concluded I was probably a sociopath. Just in case more evidence was needed, this photo from my living room provides the confirmation: Read more

Evil Eyes

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my mouth keeps me in trouble. I’d like to pretend it’s only my mouth that’s the problem, but now my eyes are getting into the act, too. Read more

Cheapskate!

I’ve reluctantly come to accept that I’m a cheapskate. Read more

I’m Disturbed

Okay, stop laughing. I realize you already know I’m disturbed. What I meant was: I’m bothered. Alarmed. Perturbed. Ruffled. Unnerved. (Yeah, and addicted to my thesaurus, but that’s a post for another day.) Read more

I’m Probably A Sociopath: Exhibit A

If there’s an enzyme that regulates concern for how one is perceived by the general public, my levels are dangerously low. Add that to my tendency to choose a logical (to me) solution despite the hair-pulling, eye-bulging frustration of my companions, and I’m pretty sure I’m a sociopath. Read more

At Least I’m Edible

This post is not for the soft of heart nor the delicate of spirit.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I can barely remember the time before my confinement, before this eternity of solitary darkness. Read more

…You Know; The “Thing”…
Ever notice how inanimate objects tend to acquire names? For me, it all started with Fred. Read more

Coitus Interruptus
It’s driving me crazy. I’ve been trying for months, and I get interrupted partway through every time. I’m so frustrated because I just can’t finishRead more

I. AM. CANADIAN!
It’s interesting to be Canadian. As a nation, we’re generally regarded as the polite, low-key, boring neighbours of the superpower south of us. We tend to define ourselves by what we’re not, instead of by what we are, and we may get quite impassioned about the whole thing. Especially if beer is involved. Read more

Beer And Jiggs On “Da Rock”
I thoroughly enjoyed spending last week in St. John’s, Newfoundland. It was my first visit to “Da Rock”, but I knew enough to be prepared for some idiosyncrasies. Here are a few things the travel brochures don’t tell you. Read more

Beautiful, Sunshiny, Versatile… And Lazy
Several of my readers have been kind enough to nominate me for the Versatile Blogger award in the past few months. Many thanks to my blogging buddies… Read more

Oh, Balls!
The other day a conversation with a female friend turned into a roundabout discussion that began with fruit, took a rapid detour to testicles, and ended with dirty limericks. I can’t name the friend without potentially embarrassing the innocent man whose mangoes we were discussing, but the guilty party knows who she is. I’m pretty sure I can still hear her giggling. Read more

I’ve Been Married Too Long
That’s it.  My husband knows me too well.  Either I’ll have to develop an entirely new personality, or give him a good sharp rap on the head with one of our many hammers so he forgets a few of my fundamental traits. Read more

Soup Nose: ‘S Not Funny
There are a quite a few disorders with evocative names like tennis elbow, tailor’s bunion, and vibration white finger. Though it sounds like it should fit it this category, I’m not including plumber’s butt in the list because the person afflicted with it is completely oblivious while the innocent bystanders suffer. And I’m not going to make a crack about that. (Yeah, okay, I couldn’t help it.)

Recently, though, I discovered another less serious but equally irritating affliction: soup nose. Read more

Cruisin’
On Monday, I thoroughly enjoyed an experience most people would appreciate just about as much as a root canal without anaesthetic. I drove 800 miles across the Canadian prairies in 12 hours, stopping at hours 5 and 10 to fill the car’s tank and empty mine. I’ve been making that trip pretty frequently lately, but I’m still not tired of it. Read more

The Great Motorcycle Debate
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)
Spring is finally around the corner, and a middle-aged woman’s fancy turns lightly to thoughts of… motorcycles. In honour of the season, I pose you the following question: cruiser or crotch-rocket? Read more

If You’re Reading This, I’m Not Dead
Some time ago, I read an article on good blogging practices. It said you should designate a proxy blogger so someone could shut down your blog in case you died. It even suggested you should write a post and save it so your proxy could communicate your final message to your readers.

I’m sorry to say I didn’t treat this advice with due reverence. Read more

Why Do I Do It…?
I cling to the delusion that I’m a relatively intelligent human being. Read more

More Yummy Spam
My friends the spammers have been kind enough to donate the content for today’s post. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I actually harbour a sneaking fondness for spam, as long as it’s fried up nice and crispy with cracker crumbs and/or neatly contained inside my spam filters.

Here’s what my blog has attracted lately: Read more

Let Me Rephrase That
My mouth keeps me in trouble. As I mentioned in an earlier post, sometimes words fail to come out in any kind of useful or intelligible manner.

Other times, words come out of my mouth with mortifying clarity. Read more

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night…
Well, not really. It was dark, but it was calm. Unlike me. I was scared shitless. I wouldn’t admit it, but I was pumping adrenaline and wondering if we were all going to live through this. Read more

I’m Not An Idiot. Really.
93% of people who drive believe they’re better-than-average drivers.

Anybody else see the math problem here? Read more

Toolaholics Anonymous
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)

Hello, my name is Diane, and I’m a toolaholic. Read more

Food Fetishes
The dictionary tells me a fetish can be an object that elicits reverence and devotion, or an object that causes an erotic response. For me, food falls neatly into both categories. Sometimes I love food. Sometimes I looooove food. (Not literally. Don’t worry, it’s still safe to eat the cucumbers at my house.) Read more

Sometimes I Speak Swahili
Sometimes I speak Swahili. It’s the only possible explanation. Except for the fact that people who speak Swahili can’t understand me, either. So maybe sometimes I speak a heretofore-unknown but terribly clever secret language. Read more

Show Me Your Tool
I was struck by an epiphany the other day. And yes, it left a nasty mark; thanks for asking. I won’t offer to show you the mark, but the gist of the epiphany was this: If you’re considering a serious relationship with a man, ask to see his tool first. Read more

I Dream Of Dillweed
Or maybe that’s “dickweed”. Let me explain. Read more

Happy New Y… Wait, Where Are My Clothes?
It’s a sad fact that I’m long past the age when that question should be on my lips. It’s also a sad fact that I asked myself that very question this New Year’s Eve. Read more

Why Orange Plastic Palm Trees?
Okay, I just have to say it. What is it with brightly coloured plastic palm trees? Read more

Cooking With Spam
I have a sneaking sympathy for the manufacturers of SPAM, that “is-it-really-meat” product my mother usually fried with a crunchy coating of cracker crumbs. It must be tough on their self-image to be associated with worthless, annoying email. Maybe that’s why I keep an open mind to the humorous potential of the spam I get on this blog. Read more

Making Up Is Hard To Blue
Ah, the festive season. A time when most women look forward to getting dolled up with glamorous makeup and swanky little cocktail dresses. (I said swanky, not skanky. Don’t put words in my mouth.) Read more

A Dave By Any Other Name

I’ve been called a lot of different names in my lifetime, sometimes by people sincerely trying to get my name right; other times not so much. Like a dog, I focus on the intonation, not the actual words. “Sweetheart” can sound really hostile, and “Hey, Buttbrain” can warm my heart.

Not that anybody’s ever called me Buttbrain. This week. Read more

Barbie, Celebrity Affairs, And Altering Reality
Every now and then, my mind wanders. All right, fine, my mind wanders quite a bit. But sometimes it wanders farther afield than usual, into the realm of the truly ridiculous. Read more

Gettin’ Down At A Piss-Up

This weekend, we attended the Grape Escape, a showcase of food, wine, and liquor. As usual, there was a mind-boggling and delicious array of food and booze. As usual, we poured ourselves into a cab afterward and managed to maintain a semi-vertical orientation while we staggered into our house. Read more

Brainless

I just got back from two weeks in Manitoba. I have 682 unread emails, and there’s a stack of as-yet-unidentified but vaguely frightening papers and envelopes in my “In” tray. It’s Wednesday morning, time for a blog post. I’m brainless. Read more

More Beaver!

A couple of weeks ago, one of our senators caused a kerfuffle when she took verbal potshots at our national animal, the beaver. Calling it a “dentally defective rat” and a “toothy tyrant”, she suggested that we should change our national animal to the “noble” and much more photogenic polar bear. Righteous indignation and off-colour jokes abounded. Read more

Ooooo, Scary!

Since Halloween was this week, “scary” has been on my mind. It was definitely on my mind when I looked in the mirror this morning, but that’s another story. Read more

PANIC!! …Nah.

It’s funny how the bloggers I follow seem to read each other’s minds. This past week, there have been all kinds of posts about stress, panic, and overwhelm. So what the hell, I’ll get in on it, too. Read more

Delusions Of Competence

When I was a kid, I was an obnoxious little know-it-all. This probably explains why I was slightly less popular than herpes. Read more

Neanderthal Behaviour

My husband thinks I’m a Neanderthal. I’m pretty sure he’s right. Read more

A Scholarly Treatise On The Care And Feeding Of Your Pet Author

Authors can be lovable and agreeable family pets. Most are easily housebroken, though some may exhibit a disturbing tendency to piddle while absorbed in a particularly difficult bit of plotting or worldbuilding. Read more

I Feel So… Versatile

Many thanks to Nancy over at notquiteold for nominating me for The Versatile Blogger award!

As she points out in this post, when you do the math, it becomes apparent that within a very few iterations of this award, theoretically everybody in the blogosphere could receive this award. Twice. Read more

It Ain’t A Meal If Nothing Died
This post over at gapingwhole got me thinking about vegetarianism and other ethics-based eating habits. I try to live and eat with as little environmental impact as possible, but, while I have the utmost respect for those people who choose not to eat meat, I’m a dedicated carnivore. Read more

I’m A Hoer
I admit it. I’m a hoer. Now that the weather is beginning to cool off, I’ll soon pack it in for the winter, because it’s pretty much a fair-weather pastime for me. But most nice warm days in the summer, you can find me by the side of the road, waving at all the passing cars. Read more

Totally Freakin’ Inadequate
I’m still on the road this week, and maybe my bad hotel karma has finally run its course, because my hotel in Regina didn’t feature hookers, cattle, or rappelling nudists. Read more

Manitoba Chinese At The Paris
I’m posting this from Regina, Saskatchewan, partway through another 14-hour drive from Calgary to Manitoba. Being on the road again has made me think of the Paris Café in Gladstone, Manitoba. Read more

Toilet Trepidation: Number Two
Warning: If you have a weak stomach, don’t read this. Come back next week instead. I promise not to tell any gross stories then.

Last week, I mentioned a few reasons for my troubled relationship with toilets. I have more. Read more

Toilet Trepidation: Number One
Warning: This is a post about toilets and related, um, issues. If you’re easily grossed out, stop reading now.

I have an uneasy relationship with toilets. I suspect I’m alone in this. Read more

Confessions Of An Undercounter Lurker

I’m an ice cream addict, and my nephew recently offered to let me hide under the Dairy Queen counter so he could feed me any treats he’d made wrong. Little did he know that lurking under counters is not a new activity for me. Read more

I Look Great… Ouch!

Last week, an acquaintance told me, “You look ten years younger now than when I first met you!”  I basked in the glorious glow of the compliment until I realized that:
■This meant I looked like shit three years ago; and
■She didn’t mention how old I actually look now. Read more

I’m Canadian, I Swear

*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)

Think I’ll get that printed on a T-shirt, along with a maple leaf. Read more

SpongeToffee GuiltyPants

I feel irrational guilt when dealing with authority figures. I blame sponge toffee. Read more

Ride A Cowboy!

The Stampede is on in Calgary this week, so the medical clinics are bracing for the annual surge in syphilis cases. No, I’m not making this up. Read more

Camping’s Out

The long weekend is over, and I’m sitting at my desk, scratching the mosquito bites on my butt. Read more

Evil Pizza

The other day, my husband came to the table with some startling news: research has shown that potato chips are the world’s most fattening food. Read more

Oh, Shift!

A few years ago, Dave (one of my trainers) was writing a workbook. He proof-read it and passed it over to me. I proof-read it. Then I got thirty copies printed up and delivered them to him the night before the class. Read more

That Ain’t Funny

I recently followed a link on one of the blogs I read regularly. The blogger is normally a very funny guy. The link was to a site containing an extensive catalogue of sex acts (which was clearly stated in his post – no surprises there). I’m hoping the site was meant to be funny. Read more

Highway Child(ishness)

Before you read any further, I’d like to note that my travelling companions are (usually) mature and admirable people. Please don’t judge them harshly. You’d be a basket case, too, if you had to spend fourteen hours in a car with me. Read more

Better Left Unanalyzed

I’ve just been reading a fascinating dialogue between Charles Gulotta at Mostly Bright Ideas (Better Left Unsaid, Part 1), and Priya at Partial View (Better Left Unsaid, Part 2). Read more

Flash Fiction: “IgNobel Prize”

“We’re really putting our asses on the line.”

“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” Martin snapped. “It’s worth it. Pass me that pipette.” Read more

Doin’ It On A Dare

This may reflect badly on the sexual preferences of my ancestors, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got donkey DNA in me somewhere. Read more

Flash Fiction: “Salvation In The Bottle”

“Aagh, darlin’, help me up. I’ve a devil’s own headache.” Read more

It’s… Alive!

According to scientists, life is nothing more than zillions of electrical impulses zapping through a lump of meat. Plants show measurable electrical activity, too. This makes me wonder. Read more

Die-Hard Bob Seger Fan

This past week, I was in Toronto to see Bob Seger in concert. For me, Bob Seger has always been (and probably will always be) the complete package. The music, the lyrics, the voice – nobody else quite measures up. Read more

Possum Panini

The other day in our staff meeting, we started talking about roadkill. Don’t ask why. Let’s just say that our staff meetings are rarely predictable. The conversation devolved, not only to roadkill, but to the eating thereof. Read more

Tip: Using Highlights For Editing

When I’m writing in MS Word, I use highlights to mark places where my document needs work. Read more

Hangin’ in the Men’s WC

Let me tell you about my experiences lurking in men’s washrooms. Carrying a measuring tape. Read more

Flash Fiction: “That Man”

“Mummy, Mummy, look at that man!” Read more

Flash Fiction: “Freedom, Too”

She gazes up at the giant, dripping trees and draws in a deep breath of pure joy and spicy forest scent. Read more

Too Girly For Comfort

Roni Loren just posted “Battling the Romance Novel Stigma”. It made me uncomfortable. Read more

99 Cent Train Wreck

I’ve seen a lot of discussion on blogs lately about the idea of selling electronic books for 99 cents. This is like watching a trainload of people hurtling towards the proverbial busted trestle sagging into the proverbial canyon. Read more

Tip: Readability Statistics

Microsoft Word calculates readability statistics based on the length and complexity of the sentences and words you use in your document. Read more

Flash Fiction: “Freedom”

He spotted her about twenty miles west of Winnipeg. She turned and stuck out her thumb as the rig got closer. And smiled. Read more

Bad Hotel Karma

I don’t know what I did in a previous life to deserve this, but I have bad hotel karma.  Here are a few of the more memorable examples: Read more

Hello, World

When a computer geek writes his/her very first program, it usually generates the following text: “Hello, World.” Well, I’m a geek.  Go figure. Read more

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