Hello From Planet Innuendo

Apparently Mercury was retrograde from June 7 to July 1, which astrologers say is supposed to cause general chaos.  I don’t know much about astrology, but if there’s a planet that governs accidental double entendres, it’s definitely exerting its influence this week.

Friday night I was sitting in the pub with the usual suspects, regaling the crew with tales of our recent search for a good used RV.  I had only one requirement:  a queen-size bed with some space around it.  I didn’t care about the kitchen or living area or anything else.  Just the bed.

(Those of you with dirty minds are getting ahead of me… oh, never mind; whatever you’re thinking, you’re probably right.)

Anyway, we found a trailer Hubby really liked, with a nice big living space and kitchen, only seven years old, yadda, yadda.  But the bedroom was designed for a double bed.  The current owners had put in a queen mattress, but that left only a few inches between it and the wall.  You could still squeeze in, but only if you had skinny legs.  Grrr.

Now back to the pub scene…

Fuelled by some very tasty beer, I was expounding upon the idiocy of the designer who planned the layout of a huge trailer without allowing for a queen-size bed.

“Goddammit,” I ranted.  “It’s a thirty-one-foot trailer, for shit’s sake!  It’s not like the guy who designed it didn’t have any space to work with!  I can’t believe he couldn’t give me just six more inches in the bedroom!”

My rant was completely derailed when my buddy Chris burst out laughing.  “You want six more inches in the bedroom?” he sputtered.  “That sounds like a blog post.  But I want credit!”

So here you go, Chris – this is your five minutes of fame.

After we dried our tears of laughter, the conversation wandered as it usually does and we got talking about cars and buying gas and the oddball sensor in my car that requires the gas cap to be cranked around several times after it’s tightened to prevent the ‘check engine’ light from coming on.

My friend Swamp Butt spoke up:  “Our new car doesn’t have a gas cap at all.  It’s so easy to fuel up.  You just stick it in, pull it out, and you’re done!”

More raucous laughter ensued.

But Planet Innuendo still wasn’t finished with me.  The Calgary Stampede is on now, so everything around here is western-themed.  And wouldn’t you know it; the patron saint of dirty minds blessed me with another gift this weekend:  a completely serious ad from a staid and reputable company, exhorting me to “Celebrate the cowboy in you.”

I might have let that pass if not for the fact that I’d just finished reading an article about how all the health clinics brace for the annual surge in syphilis cases during Stampede.  Save a horse; ride a cowboy!  Give the gift that keeps on giving!  Yaaa-hooo!!!

Needless to say, I laughed myself silly(er).

Did anybody else notice the effects of Planet Innuendo this week, or was it just me?

P.S.  The word ‘innuendo’ always gives me a childish snicker, too.  It sounds like the Godfather describing a sex act:  “In-U-end-o”…

* * *

Speaking of celebrations, I’m celebrating the upcoming release of Spy Now, Pay Later by giving away two signed paperback copies!  If you’d like to enter to win one, here’s the contest link:  http://blog.dianehenders.com/do-you-know-me/book-8-giveaway/.

Look for the first e-book versions of Spy Now, Pay Later at Smashwords and Amazon on July 17.  As usual, Kobo, Nook, and Apple versions will show up later than Smashwords and Amazon… but my distributor promises me they’ve improved their system and it should only be a few days instead of a few weeks.  Time will tell, but regardless, I’ll email notifications to everybody who’s signed up on my new book notification list.

21 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life

21 responses to “Hello From Planet Innuendo

  1. Kara

    I thought about you (or Ayden Kelly to be more precise) about a week or two ago. I was watching the national news program, Good Morning America, and in one of their fashion segments they said fanny packs were coming back in style!! :) Ayden would be so happy! So of course, thinking about Ayden means I checked in on your blog again, then re-read the series and I’m now again stalking your site until the next book is released. On the plus side, most author sites are boring, I LOVE visiting yours! Thanks for keeping me laughing!

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    • Fanny packs are coming back? Right on! Maybe Aydan and I won’t have to dodge the fashion police anymore.

      Thank you for visiting and commenting – I love hearing from readers, and I’m so glad you get a laugh out of my blog! I have fun writing it, but the comments are the best part. :-D

      (Book 8 is only two sleeps away…)

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  2. I’m sure that’s what the Godfather meant by an offer you can’t refuse.

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  3. moondance4me

    That’s just so true and so laughable. I’ve heard things over the years that just came out so bass-ackwards and wound up being most definitely full of sexy innuendo that even the most “prim and proper” in the group would laugh out loud. That was always the give away that they weren’t really so prim and proper after all. LOL An actress on the Letterman show last night was going to name her new baby boy “Jack”. Her Father in Law told her she couldn’t do that and of course she asked “Why?”. He told her that since his last name was Cumhoff (SP? sounds like it tho’) his name would be “Jack Cumhoff”. He told her to say that 3 times quickly and she’d know why! LOL She named his Jackson instead.

    So thrilled about the new book! I’m drooling. (when you get my age people tend to expect to see that anyway so they have no idea it’s because it’s a romance/mystery/novel. hahahahaha)

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    • “Jack Cumhoff” – hahahaha!!! Pity the child whose parents don’t have dirty minds. They’re the kids that get saddled with names like Harry Dick and Gay Barr. (Yes, those are real names of people I used to know.)

      I can hardly wait to get Book 8 out, too – I just have to make one more pass through it for final polishing, and my proofreader has flagged a couple of typos… then it’s out the door! Woohoo!

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  4. Diane, I could just picture that scene at the pub and I LOL’d at the same time Chris did. I guess I have a dirtier mind than I thought!

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  5. Planet Innuendo didn’t affect me in that way, Diane… just chaos as normal around here. Usually whenever there’s a planetary influence such as this, I have to start to practice yoga (to open mouth and insert foot) but I’ve been left well alone this time. Very strange…

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  6. Diann

    I think Planet Innuindo must still be affecting me. I went to sign up to be notified about SPY NOW, PAY LATER, and was reading some of the comments. In one of your replys, I could have sworn you wrote, “thanks for cumming by…”, but when I looked again, I couldn’t find it. ***sigh***

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    • Bahahahaha!!! It’s not outside the realm of possibility for me to make a joke like that, but I don’t think I actually did it. Must’ve been Planet Innuendo. It affects me frequently, so I’m glad I’m not the only one. ;-)

      Like

  7. All I can say is I’m glad Uranus wasn’t retrograde or we’d have been in even more trouble! Let us know if you find those extra 6 inches. Good luck with that! :)

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  8. Jill

    My gut hurts from laughing….As I know these people….did you get a snort or two out of Swamp Butt? I was hearing them as I was reading…. Just six more inches……glad I was not drinking my coffee when I read it.

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  9. It is Stampede week so that in itself must throw the stars out of order. may all your dreams in the bedroom come true. :)

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  10. Six inches. Why not eight inches? If you’re sizing things up, might as well be bold about it. ;)

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