Snake And Mayonnaise

Yes, that title does actually read ‘Snake And Mayonnaise’.  That’s what I thought I saw on a poster not long ago.

You guessed it – I’ve been misreading words as usual.

It turned out the poster was actually advertising the movie ‘Snake and Mongoo$e’, but snake & mayo sounded more appetizing.  (I was hungry at the time.)  I’ve had rattlesnake fondue and it was tasty, so I was willing to give snake & mayo a try.  I thought maybe it would be like a lobster roll.  Yum.

Or not.

Speaking of eating, I did a double-take a few weeks ago when Hubby and I were shopping for new cutlery.  I didn’t realize Lagostina made flatware called ‘Enema’.  It sounded… uncomfortable.  Fortunately, the flowing script on the box actually spelled out ‘Enigma’, but we bought a different brand just in case.

And my mind must have been in that… er… area, because a few days later, I saw a Facebook status that read ‘I just pooped in Safeway’.  (Safeway is a supermarket chain here in Canada.)  I was recoiling in disgust when I realized it really said ‘popped into Safeway’.  Whew.

Also on Facebook, I came to a screeching halt when I read the status of one of my guy friends:  ‘I can’t believe I’m following a live blog about an erection’.

I couldn’t believe it either.  In the first place, who live-blogs about their erection?  Wait, no!  Don’t answer that!  I don’t even want to know…

Anyway, it turned out the word in question was ‘election’, so that was a relief.

In advertising news, I discovered the headline ‘Volkswagen takes big swing with Golf Rodent’.  I realize car manufacturers must be struggling to find names for their new models, but ‘Rodent’ was one I never thought I’d see.

And I still haven’t.  The headline was ‘Volkswagen takes big swing with Golf R debut’.  But you know?  I’d totally buy a Volkswagen Rodent.  Perfect for scurrying through traffic and squeezing into tight spaces…

Speaking of advertising, I got all excited when I discovered an ad for  ‘Vicious Women Magazine International’.  Now that sounds like my kinda mag!

But… no, not so much.  Turned out it was ‘Virtuous Women Magazine’, a religious publication written “…to encourage young ladies to embrace their calling of becoming virtuous women and daughters polished after the similitude of a palace”.  It scared the shit out of me, but I’m sure lots of young ladies (or more likely their parents) find value in it.  Different strokes…

Then I thought I’d found an ideal reader for Vicious Women Magazine, if there was such a publication.  The young woman in question was wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed, “Kiss me, I’m a monster”.  I was chuckling and wondering where I could buy one when I took a second look and realized the T-shirt said ‘modster’, not ‘monster’.

I didn’t know what a modster was, so I googled it.  And even then, I wasn’t sure.  There’s a Modster site that offers fashion advice; but the Urban Dictionary says a modster is “An asshole hipster. Usually someone who ruins the vibe at a good bar.”

I have no discernible fashion sense and I like to think I’m congenial company at the bar, so I guess I won’t buy that T-shirt after all.

But I’m still willing to try snake & mayo.  And if they ever release a car named the Rodent, I’ll be first in line!

* * *

Belly-dancing update:  We learned some new moves this week.  Or rather, the instructor introduced some new moves, which is not exactly the same thing.  One of them was the ¾ shimmy:  shaking our hips in ¾ time while walking.  Ever heard of St. Vitus’s Dance?  Yeah, that’s how I looked.  I nearly dislocated my butt.

I tried a memory technique to remember the names of the new moves, and it worked really well.  “Umi” refers to a circling movement of the hips that includes a suggestive pelvic tilt.  That move became “do-me” in my mind, and I’ll never forget it now.  But I don’t think I’ll share that particular mnemonic with the rest of the class…

33 Comments

Filed under Humour, Writing

33 responses to “Snake And Mayonnaise

  1. LMAO… so glad it’s not just me! The two I keep seeing repeatedly (Yes, it seems I’m slower to correct my reading errors these days) are:

    “Car Wash & Dental” – I thought, wow, what a weird combination. It says “Detail” – ah, that makes more sense.

    and

    “Adult – Video” – In a little storefront right next to the church in town. To this I thought, wow, these Pacific Northwesterners are pretty progressive! Then I realized it said “Audio – Video” … so I pulled back out of the lot. ;-) lol

  2. Dyslexia could lead to interesting results when reading instructions for belly dancing moves.

  3. Lynn B.

    Another great story. Gad, that’s hilarious. Done some of that number-switching myself, too. And the mis-reads always make me laugh. Especially one that WASN’T a mis-read. On vacation a few years ago and cruising through a small town in rural Colorado. Sign said:

    Well, never mind what the sign said. It was advertising the return of a seasonal sandwich at a nationally-famous fast food chain. My wife wouldn’t let me take a picture of it. But clearly the boss had stepped out for a month or two. :)

  4. I love snake and mayonnaise, especially on rye.

  5. Always funny these cases, Diane. My Mum is an avid Catherine Cookson reader, and there was a TV dramatisation on the other week of ‘The Man Who Cried Diana’ which I enthusiastically announced to her. She thought that she’d read all of her books, but had never heard of that one. When I moved closer to the EPG on the TV, it said ‘The Man Who Cried’ Drama. It’s always that one word that alters the whole sentence, isn’t it?! (And note: it’s ALWAYS the word… NEVER the eyes…)

  6. moondance4me

    Glad to know that others have the same problem. I’ve suffered with latent dyslexia myself and it’s just come on in the last several years. Hmmm, part of the “aging process?” I suppose. (gads I hate that term..aging process.. ick!). Same thing with numbers too. It takes me forever to write or add things since I have to go over it more than once. sheesh!
    Love your belly dancing update. LOL! Back in the day, (hahahahaha. another term I actually like) the walk and shimmy moves was one of my favorites. Causes quite a stir when you’re at the beach!
    I’m closing this now and posting, hope it goes through. Our “ice storm” here in Mobile,, AL has brought havoc to the Internet.

    • Yikes! I just looked up the news item for that. Weather has been insane all over the world this winter, but at least we’re equipped to deal with it up here.

      I can just imagine you shimmying at the beach – hold that thought, and stay safe and warm!

  7. Haha, yes, best to leave your pneumonics to yourself. :)

    I’ve done the pooped and popped thing myself. In fact, when I was writing, I once typed “she pooped her keys into her purse” rather than “popped” them. Oops. Bet an editor would like that.

  8. Diane, do you need new glasses and perhaps an evaluation for dyslexia?

    • I suspect the problem lies a few inches behind the reading glasses. ;-) And I wouldn’t be surprised if I am a little dyslexic. I also tend to transpose numbers – I’ll get all the digits right, but in the wrong order. Fortunately it doesn’t affect my reading or math skills – if it’s important, I just slow down a bit from my usual light-speed to make sure I’ve got it right. And I get some great belly laughs from my misreads!

  9. I love the way your mind works. Hey, you should write books! ;)

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